Keenly Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 You could set a deadline in your head about how long you are willing to give him to say he loves you. I would not say it to him. This is the most ludicrous piece of advice I have ever seen. Talk about insecure. "I'm breaking up with you because you didn't say I love you fast enough for me" "OK bye crazy woman" 4
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 pfff... girl, we don't know how things are in your relationship, you do. If you're spontaneous, if you're emotional, if you're physically close... I personally don't believe in "talking about it", I'd feel as if I would be forcing it out of someone - also it is a very reasonable idea. But it's very rational, like weighing his emotional involvement in this relationship. Nobody likes to feel his actions analyzed to death or pressured in any way, especially if there is no need for that. I've only said that to two people in my life and I was the first one to say it, both times. I don't mind, I know I'm more emotional, so if I feel it and I feel the moment is right, it simply pops out. Last time, I was with my ex and we were having fun with the bath towel and he was making me die with laughter, I was having such a good time, it was just... the perfect moment. I still remember that, it filled my soul with happiness. just remember, saying it is about you and how you feel, not about him. so in itself, it's a bit selfish, because it sort of puts a weight, a pressure on your partner. That's how and when you say it says a lot about a person. Do you do it for you, to let it out of your head and "dump" it on your partner or do you offer it as a gift, try to make it special for both of you... but then, it's not your moment anymore, it's not spontaneous. make sure you choose the way that you feel best fits you and your way of being! cheers Yeah I don't think I want to "talk about it". I want it to happen organically. We have all these moments, I just need to take one. Or he needs to. I'm not picky, I'm just the more emotional one, and he has a hard time getting in touch with what's really going on in that head of his. He just has a slower processing speed for emotions than I do, which is why I've been waiting for him. I was going to ask him at 6 months if he loves me if he hadn't said it yet. I feel like all these moments are reaching a fever pitch, though. I feel like one of us will say it in the next few weeks.
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 This is the most ludicrous piece of advice I have ever seen. Talk about insecure. "I'm breaking up with you because you didn't say I love you fast enough for me" "OK bye crazy woman" Yeah, I don't want to be that girl. Mainly because he acts like he loves me. I have had men swear up and down that they love me more than life itself, but he's been the first person to show me. I think that's worth more, and ultimately they are just words, but they are words I would take so much joy from hearing.
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 In your gut you know whether or not this man loves you. Given that you are worried about saying it and worried that he doesn't love you may be coming from truth. In 5 months time a man generally knows if he loves a woman and will tell her. Since he hasn't said it he may not be there. OTOH, I suspect that you don't want to waste your time with a man that doesn't love you. You could set a deadline in your head about how long you are willing to give him to say he loves you. I would not say it to him. I mean, one of two things are true. 1) he loves me, and is waiting because he is afraid, or like me, has made a vow never to say it first again or 2) he hasn't realized he loves me yet, but has strong feelings for me. He processes his emotions quite slowly, and has a hard time figuring out what he wants, and this comes at no shock to me, he's always been like that. It's not that he's unavailable, because he's always been open and honest with me, it's just that he takes a little longer than most people to figure out what he wants to say, and even longer than that to figure out if he wants to actually say it, or if he really means it. So I guess I am wondering if I am going to get a sigh of relief and an "I love you too", or if I'm jumping in before he's really done soul-searching and thought about it. I know he loves me, I'd bet more than I'm willing to admit on that fact.
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 bobmarley, It has always been my belief, that when one expresses LOVE to another, that that is an invitation or an extension of a gift. That you are giving something that is priceless, sublime. That you are a giver and it is up to the person who is receiving the gift to decide what to do with that amazing, emotional offer. I believe that it takes a enormous amount of conscious courage to say I LOVE YOU first. Many times we are not rewarded, but it many ways you obtain a certain power, benevolent, that cannot be relinquished w/o your permission. Those three awesome words hold an incredible amount of power. You set the stage for something beautiful. You become the advent of something that many poets and romantics have tried to explain, describe. I believe in saying the three words when you feel it is right. No game, no rules, no particular time table. But I also believe that such words are necessarily part objective and predominantly emotional. Properly nurtured and it will prove to be an amazing experience, but neglected, or uncommitted, it will be hollow. Look, you say that he ACTS like he loves you, so your saying it should only accentuate your relationship. It will make him even more invested, more loyal, more intimately connected...You know him better than we do. Is he romantic? Romantics are into LOVE, baby. Go for it. Tell him. Oftentimes it works out. Once you have him, take care of the relationship by continuing to cultivate, weed, prune and adding your fullness into it. Yikes, so sorry for the sappiness. I am typically the first one to say I love you. But, only when I am aware that something good will come of it, when she is really into me. I said those words only three times in my life. Once to my mother. Once to my late-wife and well, once to someone else... For me, it's an amazing feeling to say I LOVE YOU. Such an awesome responsibility that I accept w/ all its peril. He's SUCH a romantic, and I am partially waiting in the hope that he's waiting for the perfect moment, just like me. I'm scared. But he acts like he loves me, and I'm happy with him, I just don't want to ruin his moment or catch him off-guard.
thatone Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 (edited) Here's advice on the flip side of the coin for men... Lets face it, men do not care, they don't need to hear those words all the time, this is a purely female obsession. As such, why play along? If she justifies some sort of accusation toward you for not saying it first, she is not only motivated more by her own insecurity than she is by the prospect of losing her relationship, but she is a blame projector to boot. These are common red flags you should avoid. Therefore, as a man, NEVER say it first. Edited June 5, 2013 by thatone
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Here's advice on the flip side of the coin for men... Lets face it, men do not care, they don't need to hear those words all the time, this is a purely female obsession. As such, why play along? If the woman you're with thinks it but is afraid to say it, that's a red flag. It reeks of insecurity and if she justifies some sort of accusation toward you for not saying it first, she is not only motivated more by her own insecurity than she is by the prospect of losing her relationship, but she is a blame projector to boot. Therefore, as a man, NEVER say it first. But if men don't need to hear those words, then why would they not offer it up as a gift to their lady, knowing that she DOES want/need to hear it? Why would he wait for her to say something he doesn't need to hear just so that she can prove that she's not all these awful things (insecure, accusatory, blame-projector, etc.)? Doesn't that seem like projecting a bit of blame on his end?
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 If you can't tell your boyfriend you love him then he isn't your boyfriend. Well, I hardly think that's the measure of whether a relationship is valid so early on...and I don't think it's anything HE'S doing that's holding me back. I am scared, but not because he's scaring me.
thatone Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 (edited) But if men don't need to hear those words, then why would they not offer it up as a gift to their lady, knowing that she DOES want/need to hear it? Why would he wait for her to say something he doesn't need to hear just so that she can prove that she's not all these awful things (insecure, accusatory, blame-projector, etc.)? Doesn't that seem like projecting a bit of blame on his end? They do just that, because they are aiming to please. But consider the above from a rational standpoint. There is no upside to saying it first as a man. Every "step" in a relationship gives you insight into the other person that you judge them with, but wantonly volunteering information has no upside. Same principle as talking to a cop when you have the right to remain silent, no good will come of it. FWIW an experienced, smart man won't say it before he knows what the response will be, which essentially removes this intrigue that you are struggling with. If you are scared of his response you don't know him well enough, have not paid attention well enough, and/or are letting insecurity hinder your actions irrationally. I have never said it first, btw, and my experience has borne out the above scenarios. My longest relationships were with women who took it upon themselves to say it first, my most hurtful breakups were the women that I could have honestly said it to but did not due to that steadfast rule not to, and in each of those cases the relationship was on shaky ground anyway I just didn't know it yet. This is due to obvious reasons, men don't need verbal affirmation very often, women do. Therefore it makes no sense to do something just because someone 'might' want you to. If they want it let em do it. If I do it just to please that person I am volunteering for all of the blame that will come my way in the future for other things she is insecure about and looking to project on to me, which women are notorious for to be honest. If I don't volunteer anything first there is no precedent for me being expected to do anything else first in the future. Edited June 5, 2013 by thatone
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 They do just that, because they are aiming to please. But consider the above from a rational standpoint. There is no upside to saying it first as a man. Every "step" in a relationship gives you insight into the other person that you judge them with, but wantonly volunteering information has no upside. Same principle as talking to a cop when you have the right to remain silent, no good will come of it. FWIW an experienced, smart man won't say it before he knows what the response will be, which essentially removes this intrigue that you are struggling with. If you are scared of his response you don't know him well enough, have not paid attention well enough, and/or are letting insecurity hinder your actions irrationally. I have never said it first, btw, and my experience has borne out the above scenarios. My longest relationships were with women who took it upon themselves to say it first, my most hurtful breakups were the women that I could have honestly said it to but did not due to that steadfast rule not to, and in each of those cases the relationship was on shaky ground anyway I just didn't know it yet. This is due to obvious reasons, men don't need verbal affirmation very often, women do. Therefore it makes no sense to do something just because someone 'might' want you to. If they want it let em do it. I am fairly certain that it's my insecurities keeping me from telling him. My longest relationship was with someone to whom I said "I love you" first, but he damn near destroyed my feelings. I hadn't felt anything for anyone in two years before I started dating this guy. I am worried that I don't know how to say how I feel anymore. And I don't need verbal affirmation all the time, but once in a while would be very nice. He has been the one to initiate most conversations in our relationship, the one who pushed for us to be exclusive, but I've always been the one who took the lead in talking about emotions, and I am worried that he is just blindly following my lead, which is why I've been holding out. Plus he's always said it first to women, so I am worried that he would have said it to me if he felt it. On the other hand, those women bulldozed his feelings, so he could be like me, waiting for me to say it first because those other women broke him. However, I don't want to catch him off guard or scare him with a sudden protestation if he hasn't gotten there yet. I know his feelings for me are strong, I don't want to put us on shaky ground by saying ily too soon.
thatone Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Then my advice would be to spend some time alone trying to think of how it will go if you do it, based on what you know about him. In any given decision there are basically three possible outcomes. What you want to happen, what you think will happen, and what will likely happen which is somewhere in the middle. By considering all of his actions toward you you should be able to figure out what will likely happen, and act accordingly. FWIW you will always be the one to bring up emotional issues. Men are not as emotional as women, and as such don't bring such things up because they don't think about them very often. That will never change regardless of what you do.
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Then my advice would be to spend some time alone trying to think of how it will go if you do it, based on what you know about him. In any given decision there are basically three possible outcomes. What you want to happen, what you think will happen, and what will likely happen which is somewhere in the middle. By considering all of his actions toward you you should be able to figure out what will likely happen, and act accordingly. FWIW you will always be the one to bring up emotional issues. Men are not as emotional as women, and as such don't bring such things up because they don't think about them very often. That will never change regardless of what you do. I mean, that's fine, I have been the one to bring up emotions pretty much the entire time we've known one another, not just over the course of our relationships. I have just heard that saying ily is a man's last chance to really "pursue" a woman prior to a marriage proposal, and that as a woman I should step back and let him have one last chase so that he feels validated, or else he may start to resent me.
Author bobmarley Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Would it be appropriate of me to just tell him as we are leaving each other's company? Like "okay goodnight, see you tomorrow, I love you"?
Author bobmarley Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 You should love him before you enter into a relationship. If you can't express your romantic feelings toward your lover then the romantic relationship you think you have is more of a daydream than a reality. I really don't think that that's true at all. We have something very real, and very positive. And me being frightened of taking the next step into a more serious relationship does not diminish the validity or the positivity of what we have.
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