bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My guy and I have been friends since junior high, and have been dating exclusively for about 5 months. We are in our early/mid 20s. He is attentive, kind, tender, asks me out on dates at least a few times a week, makes time for me whenever I need him, and is generally a great boyfriend. Over the past few months, I've developed very strong feelings for him, and I want to tell him that I am in love with him. There have been several moments over the past couple months where we have been looking into each other's eyes deeply and one of us will take a breath as if to say something, and then defuse the situation by making a joke or saying "hi". Things have definitely gotten more serious lately. We spent a few weeks living in the same house, followed by me taking two long road trips with his immediate family. He met my extended family on Saturday, and I am going on another trip with his family in 3 weeks to meet his extended family. I worry about whether he loves me, even though it certainly seems like he does, because he hasn't said anything. I have also heard horror stories about how women saying "I love you" first ruins relationships. Should I tell him I love him? Any thoughts? tl;dr My boyfriend of 5 months acts like he loves me, but hasn't said so. Should I say first?
youngnlove89 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Should I say it first? Should he say it first? It shouldn't matter. I hate games. I think you should say what you feel, when you feel it. Life is too short. If he makes you comfortable and he treats you well, then say it. It seems like you have a good relationship, go for it! 2
pteromom Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I'd wait a little longer. You are meeting his extended family in 3 weeks, so this is going to be very bonding for HIM if he is feeling the same way you are, and will give him opportunities to say it first. 1
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Thanks for the advice, you two! Does anyone else have input? I'm really nervous, and will probably be seeing him tonight.
Drseussgrrl Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I would let him say it first. Things sound really great. I'm sure it's right on the tip of his tongue. Plus it will feel so much better when he does. Congrats on finding love. 2
umirano Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 When you're sure and there is nothing else holding you back, why not just tell him? I don't agree with the man has to say it first (if that's your position).
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I would let him say it first. Things sound really great. I'm sure it's right on the tip of his tongue. Plus it will feel so much better when he does. Congrats on finding love. Thank you things really are beautiful. I'm having a lot of fun, and I think he is too.
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 When you're sure and there is nothing else holding you back, why not just tell him? I don't agree with the man has to say it first (if that's your position). That wasn't my position in the past, but the only guy I ever said it to first lied when he said it back and broke my heart more than once. I no longer bear ill will toward that man, but the scar he left over saying "I love you" has kind of stuck with me. It seems like every time I go to tell him I love him something small happens to convince me otherwise, like he'll walk side by side with me without holding my hand, or he'll mention an ex girlfriend in passing, or something even more silly like mentioning his future house without saying "our future house", which, without an "I love you" in the picture is completely ludicrous anyway.
clia Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I concur -- wait for him to say it first. But don't wait forever.
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I concur -- wait for him to say it first. But don't wait forever. How long is too long?
crude Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I don't think you should say it if you're this reticent, but talking around it might be better. Like discussing where are we now, do I love you, do you love me, what is love, that kind of thing to try to better gauge where his mind is at. Don't be specific, just probe a little through generalizations and he might give you a clue or actually say it to you.
clia Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 How long is too long? There's no formula, but you've already been together five months, which is a fair amount of time. I think the average to say "I love you" is around 90 days. If he hasn't said it within the next few months, you may have cause for concern.
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 There's no formula, but you've already been together five months, which is a fair amount of time. I think the average to say "I love you" is around 90 days. If he hasn't said it within the next few months, you may have cause for concern. Do you think he's a bit gun-shy? He's said it first to both women he's said it to, and they've both treated him poorly and left him multiple times. I know my reticence partially comes from the fact that I was lied to by the only person I've ever said it to first (he also cheated, left me, and abused me). It feels like he loves me, he certainly acts like a man in love, but it's difficult to say, since he hasn't made any verbal declarations. He has said he's grateful for me, that I'm special to him, that he finds me incredible, compliments me on my looks a fair amount, has said he likes me a lot, with the emphasis on a lot, has said he needs me, and that he really cares about me. He even whispered "love you" into my ear while I was sleeping (the sound of the whisper woke me up, I was too tired to respond). I just can't think of a reason why he hasn't said it when we are both awake.
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I don't think you should say it if you're this reticent, but talking around it might be better. Like discussing where are we now, do I love you, do you love me, what is love, that kind of thing to try to better gauge where his mind is at. Don't be specific, just probe a little through generalizations and he might give you a clue or actually say it to you. How do I start this conversation without steering directly into love?
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Do you think he's a bit gun-shy? He's said it first to both women he's said it to, and they've both treated him poorly and left him multiple times. I know my reticence partially comes from the fact that I was lied to by the only person I've ever said it to first (he also cheated, left me, and abused me). It feels like he loves me, he certainly acts like a man in love, but it's difficult to say, since he hasn't made any verbal declarations. He has said he's grateful for me, that I'm special to him, that he finds me incredible, compliments me on my looks a fair amount, has said he likes me a lot, with the emphasis on a lot, has said he needs me, and that he really cares about me. He even whispered "love you" into my ear while I was sleeping (the sound of the whisper woke me up, I was too tired to respond). I just can't think of a reason why he hasn't said it when we are both awake. He's even let an "I love you too" slip out while half asleep, in response to me saying "I like cuddling with you." I just don't know why he hasn't consciously said anything to me when I'm conscious.
clia Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 He could be gun shy. It's hard to say. It sounds like things are going very well between you two, so it's entirely possible that you have nothing to worry about and that he is planning to say it soon. Maybe on the 4th of July or something. I am just highly sensitive about this topic because many moons ago I dated a guy for nine months who did all the right things and acted very boyfriendy, but never said "I love you." I didn't think much of it -- after all, he was acting like my boyfriend and taking me out a few times a week and calling me, so what did a few words matter? But then...well, turns out he was massively commitment phobic. (Although neither of us were dating anyone else, he didn't even consider us to be exclusive. Talk about a jaw drop!) I had wasted nine months of time on him. So...when I start seeing gals on here who have gotten four, five, six, eight, ten months into a relationship and aren't hearing "I love you" I start to worry for them. In my experience, the men who are truly in love want to tell you.
candie13 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 You cannot plan it, ImHO. Just let it flow naturally, you will feel when the moment comes, when the conversation goes in that direction. if you do it artificially, he'll feel it and may think you've been scheming things. It should be natural - and in your case, it won't be that difficult. I think saying ILY is burning your lips, you're anxious, girl... just hold it off for when the right moment comes along. best of luck
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 He could be gun shy. It's hard to say. It sounds like things are going very well between you two, so it's entirely possible that you have nothing to worry about and that he is planning to say it soon. Maybe on the 4th of July or something. I am just highly sensitive about this topic because many moons ago I dated a guy for nine months who did all the right things and acted very boyfriendy, but never said "I love you." I didn't think much of it -- after all, he was acting like my boyfriend and taking me out a few times a week and calling me, so what did a few words matter? But then...well, turns out he was massively commitment phobic. (Although neither of us were dating anyone else, he didn't even consider us to be exclusive. Talk about a jaw drop!) I had wasted nine months of time on him. So...when I start seeing gals on here who have gotten four, five, six, eight, ten months into a relationship and aren't hearing "I love you" I start to worry for them. In my experience, the men who are truly in love want to tell you. That makes sense. And it worries me too because usually men are pairing my first name with their last by 5 months in. Sooner than that, even. However, he's definitely established that we are in an exclusive relationship, and that he is not opposed to it becoming a long-term one. So I'm not too worried. It is hard to tell if he's gun shy, but I can see how it'd be scary. We have had crushes on each other since 8th grade, and have been very integral parts of each other's lives, and it's a high-pressure situation because he and i both know that this really could work long-term. We are those friends who had a marriage pact ("if we get to this age and we are still single we'll marry each other"), and stuff like that. We both can realistically see our relationship working out in the VERY long term, and so at least for me (and probably for him), this "I love you" is different.
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 You cannot plan it, ImHO. Just let it flow naturally, you will feel when the moment comes, when the conversation goes in that direction. if you do it artificially, he'll feel it and may think you've been scheming things. It should be natural - and in your case, it won't be that difficult. I think saying ILY is burning your lips, you're anxious, girl... just hold it off for when the right moment comes along. best of luck It is burning my lips!!!!! Oh my gosh there have been so many moments in the past month where I had to actually physically restrain myself from telling him. For instance, he was headed to a very important dinner, and I fixed his collar, then buttoned his sleeves, and then pinned his grandfather's pin on the lapel of his suit and we looked at each other...and not only did I think that I wanted to dress him like this every day for the rest of my life, but I think I even got to "I...." before I chickened out. 1
Keenly Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Some of these ladies want to wait for the gender that is least comfortable expressing their emotions to say it first, and good luck with that. Just tell him how you feel... I can tell you right now that when I've been told I love you first , it makes it a MUCH more safe place for me to open up and completely be vulnerable, because I know she already loves me . I would never say it first, because I tend to feel it way early. Too early.
Author bobmarley Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Some of these ladies want to wait for the gender that is least comfortable expressing their emotions to say it first, and good luck with that. Just tell him how you feel... I can tell you right now that when I've been told I love you first , it makes it a MUCH more safe place for me to open up and completely be vulnerable, because I know she already loves me . I would never say it first, because I tend to feel it way early. Too early. When he did tell me as I slept, it was a bit early, but I felt it too...idk, I'm worried that he is holding off for some other reason than being gun-shy, but I can't really find one. I want to hold out, but in order to do so, I have been telling myself that if he did truly love me he would have said something, and that his silence means that he doesn't feel that way about me. And so now I have put myself in a position where I am expecting a rejection of my feelings, but it is entirely possible, even likely, that he would reciprocate them and express that right away.
candie13 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 It is burning my lips!!!!! Oh my gosh there have been so many moments in the past month where I had to actually physically restrain myself from telling him. For instance, he was headed to a very important dinner, and I fixed his collar, then buttoned his sleeves, and then pinned his grandfather's pin on the lapel of his suit and we looked at each other...and not only did I think that I wanted to dress him like this every day for the rest of my life, but I think I even got to "I...." before I chickened out. pfff... girl, we don't know how things are in your relationship, you do. If you're spontaneous, if you're emotional, if you're physically close... I personally don't believe in "talking about it", I'd feel as if I would be forcing it out of someone - also it is a very reasonable idea. But it's very rational, like weighing his emotional involvement in this relationship. Nobody likes to feel his actions analyzed to death or pressured in any way, especially if there is no need for that. I've only said that to two people in my life and I was the first one to say it, both times. I don't mind, I know I'm more emotional, so if I feel it and I feel the moment is right, it simply pops out. Last time, I was with my ex and we were having fun with the bath towel and he was making me die with laughter, I was having such a good time, it was just... the perfect moment. I still remember that, it filled my soul with happiness. just remember, saying it is about you and how you feel, not about him. so in itself, it's a bit selfish, because it sort of puts a weight, a pressure on your partner. That's how and when you say it says a lot about a person. Do you do it for you, to let it out of your head and "dump" it on your partner or do you offer it as a gift, try to make it special for both of you... but then, it's not your moment anymore, it's not spontaneous. make sure you choose the way that you feel best fits you and your way of being! cheers 1
Phantom888 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Should I say it first? Should he say it first? It shouldn't matter. I hate games. I think you should say what you feel, when you feel it. Life is too short. If he makes you comfortable and he treats you well, then say it. It seems like you have a good relationship, go for it! Exactly my thoughts. I can't believe dating is so different now than 20 years ago when I was a college kid. What is up with all this mind gaming??! It's stressful enough when you find the person who is a good match for you. I never even thought about this issue until 2 nights ago. I wasn't even aware there were any rules about saying ILU. Before my marriage, when I girl said I LOVE YOU, I would be real happy, whether or not I was in love with her. If I said it back, I would get some sex. If I didn't say it back, then that meant I didn't love her, and it would end. After my divorce, I never got freaked out when some said I LOVE YOU to me.... though I became more sensitive so I would always say it back so I could get some sex. Nevertheless, I can't imagine it EVER being a bad thing to say I LOVE YOU to anyone. It's the most lovingly positive set of words you can say, and who ever decided it was implying pressure of anything of that sort? I think it's so messed up that we have to keep our feelings bottled up, because the recipients of those words might freak out. How can you freak out at something so nice? Do you freak out when your partner kisses you? How about when you have sex? I mean, those physical acts are waaaaaaaaay more intimate than saying ILU. Why don't we ever consider that? Just tired of all the imaginary pressure society has put on us for expressing ourselves. It's just lame. Maybe I'm from another planet, but in my world, we can express our feelings without fear. That's why I hate dating so much, even though I am crazy about the woman I am dating. *vent*
soccerrprp Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 bobmarley, It has always been my belief, that when one expresses LOVE to another, that that is an invitation or an extension of a gift. That you are giving something that is priceless, sublime. That you are a giver and it is up to the person who is receiving the gift to decide what to do with that amazing, emotional offer. I believe that it takes a enormous amount of conscious courage to say I LOVE YOU first. Many times we are not rewarded, but it many ways you obtain a certain power, benevolent, that cannot be relinquished w/o your permission. Those three awesome words hold an incredible amount of power. You set the stage for something beautiful. You become the advent of something that many poets and romantics have tried to explain, describe. I believe in saying the three words when you feel it is right. No game, no rules, no particular time table. But I also believe that such words are necessarily part objective and predominantly emotional. Properly nurtured and it will prove to be an amazing experience, but neglected, or uncommitted, it will be hollow. Look, you say that he ACTS like he loves you, so your saying it should only accentuate your relationship. It will make him even more invested, more loyal, more intimately connected...You know him better than we do. Is he romantic? Romantics are into LOVE, baby. Go for it. Tell him. Oftentimes it works out. Once you have him, take care of the relationship by continuing to cultivate, weed, prune and adding your fullness into it. Yikes, so sorry for the sappiness. I am typically the first one to say I love you. But, only when I am aware that something good will come of it, when she is really into me. I said those words only three times in my life. Once to my mother. Once to my late-wife and well, once to someone else... For me, it's an amazing feeling to say I LOVE YOU. Such an awesome responsibility that I accept w/ all its peril. 1
GilianaK Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 In your gut you know whether or not this man loves you. Given that you are worried about saying it and worried that he doesn't love you may be coming from truth. In 5 months time a man generally knows if he loves a woman and will tell her. Since he hasn't said it he may not be there. OTOH, I suspect that you don't want to waste your time with a man that doesn't love you. You could set a deadline in your head about how long you are willing to give him to say he loves you. I would not say it to him.
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