Seeking direction on course of action regarding wife's virtual affairs?

[broken1477]

Help.

 

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have two children.

 

Roughly 9 months ago, I accessed my wife's email to confirm a virtual magazine subscription for her. I was devastated to find that she had been having has been having emotional, graphic, romantic, cybersex relationships with 3-4 different men. I confronted her about it, and she said that she would end them, that she loved me and it was just harmless fun. I disagreed, but I decided to give her another chance.

 

Yesterday, I came home and found a previously unknown email account belonging to my wife open on our computer. I perused the inbox and sent items and discovered that she has been having more of these virtual relationships, this time with 19 new and different men. This time, I saw pictures exchanged that contained full nudity, lingerie, etc. I was only able to stomach reviewing the last 2 months. I immediately confronted her about it, and she has given me several excuses and explanations that she is not comfortable with aging or her physical appearance, she did this to feel pretty, to feel wanted, to feel sexy, etc.

 

I must admit, that over the last 2 years, I have not been as physically attentive as I was during the first decade of our union. I have been working 50-60 hour work weeks as the sole supporter our family and I have some body image self-esteem issues of my own. She immediately assured me that it was not my fault, and that she was to blame.

 

I don't know how to process the feelings I am experiencing. I feel utterly betrayed. I feel angry, ashamed and inadequate. I feel cornered, like I need to take action. I want to believe that she will cease the relationships, like she says, but this is not the first time it has happened. I have written a draft to the men she has been communicating with. this is what it says:

 

Hello, gentlemen, my name is xxMyNamexx,

 

It has come to my attention that my wife, xxHerNamexx, has been exchanging correspondence of a romantic, graphic and/or sexual nature with all of you. While I have absolutely no issues with my wife maintaining platonic relationships with men, certanly you can understand I have a problem with this.

 

I must admit, that my first instinct was to seek each of you out and retaliate, and indeed, were we not separated geographically and were you not afforded the anonymity of the internet, possibly I would have done just that. As I pondered further, however, I came to the realization that perhaps you all were not aware she was married. Giving each of you the benefit of the doubt, I can only hope that this was the case. Any man who seeks to tear apart a family for the sake of his libido is disgusting.

 

I am writing this email to you for two simple purposes: 1.) To inform you that xxHerNamexx is married, to me, and has been for 12 years, and 2.) To ascertain the intentions of each of you regarding a continued virtual relationship with my wife, as this will not be acceptable and I will be forced to take action.

 

If each of you cannot respect the incredible damage that our marriage has suffered or do not care about the impact this has had on me, then I ask you to consider our childeren. I will take all possible measures to ensure my children do not grow up in a broken home. I only ask that each of you do the right thing and cease and desist all contact with my wife.

 

I would appreciate a prompt response from each of you so that I may take the necessary steps to ensure the security and longevity of my children and family.

 

Regards,

 

xxMyNamexx

 

 

Am I a fool for wanting to save our marriage? Is it beyond repair? Should I send this email? She will certainly claim I violated her privacy. Any and all opinions and advice would be considered and appreciated. Has anyone else gone through this?

 

-Broken

[SweetandHappy]

I don't think you are a fool for wanting to save your marriage, but your wife has a real problem. If she thinks this is harmless fun (as she did the first time), she is gravely mistaken. This is infidelity. If she is serious about saving your marriage, then she needs to do a lot of work. I would insist immediately that she get into counseling because she has a problem. Also, marriage counseling would be in order.

 

She would also lose any privacy she had been previously afforded via the internet. You need to have access to all emails and passwords for anything that she touches on the computer. She needs to be totally transparent. Good luck with everything.

[SweetandHappy]

Help.

 

Should I send this email?

-Broken

 

I don't know that sending the email would do any good, but if you feel strongly about it then send it. The real answer will be in your wife's actions.

[dchief20]

I wouldn't send that letter. They wouldn't care and it would only make you look pathetic. Even if you caused them enough drama to run them off, your wife would find more. She is the person you need to deal with.

 

Turn off the internet service at home and on her phone, in order to get her to withdraw from this addiction. Get into MC or go see your pastor. You really need outside help, the two of you haven't shown your able to handle this alone.

[dchief20]

Why are you so worried about her privacy? She is not worried about what she is doing to the marriage and the family. She is not worried about her vows. She is not worried about exposing all of you to perverted internet strangers. YOU ARE TRYING TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY!!! More spouses should take such action.

[Nyla]

Work on the issue with your wife. She is the one that is being unfaithful, not her chatmates. All they are doing is buying a service. You could also be opening yourself to ridicule from these online chatmates.

 

Sex work is not for married people. It is best left for those who do not have emotional obligations to anyone. Why didn't you discuss this with your wife before you married her?

[Korea2000]

I've been thinking about this thread for a while and wanted to wait before posting on it. I've been viewing this as a non member and registered so I can post.

 

First of all, your wife had not physically cheated on you and you should draw solace from that. Use that to build your relationship back up. So far what she has done has been purely visual and just psychological.

 

Second, I want to endorse the sensible advice above that your wife is addicted to the Internet and virtual sex thing and the best thing you can do is agree between you on an Internet BAN.

 

If you both agree an Internet ban then it will be easier for her to break the habit.

 

I feel for you and to some extent for her because she is addicted. I suppose you should both then go spice up your love life some, so that she is getting what she needs from you. That's your part of the bargain.

[Thegameoflife]

I don't think your wife has some kind of an addiction. An addiction is something you can't control. This completely alleviates her from accountability, and that is not just. People form these relationships for several reasons. I think the main thing to understand is that they provide a sense of excitement when people interact in an emotional or sexual context. In the majority of cases, it's not an addiction that they have to fill, but rather a void they are filling. When you work as much as you do, you cut into personal time with your wife. I'm not blaming you for working as it's necessary for life, but rather I'm saying that the situation isn't good for a marriage. My wife an I set aside an hour of 1 on 1 time every night before bed. With life, it's important to put aside time for all the important things. Due to your work situation, you have to work harder in your relationship.

 

Now this doesn't excuse your wife from her actions. You should ask her what steps she thinks she should make, to regain your trust and improve things in your relationship. I don't completely agree with the whole taking the internet away, and watching her like a hawk. The thing you want to achieve is changing her desire to use the internet for this purpose. Removing the internet from the equation doesn't fix the situation, but rather just takes it away.

 

The concept is similar to kids with knives. People are worried their kids will cut themselves, so they don't let kids use knives. Wouldn't it make more sense to teach them how to use a knife than to take it away.

 

Do you really want to sit next to her every single time she's on the net for the rest of your life. Instead, I think you should fix the real issue of her boredom, and work to improve your relationship together. Get her to volunteer and during the day, get a hobby, or whatever she needs to do to stay occupied, and not talking to guys on the net.

[Korea2000]

Hi to the OP. Any update on this? Interested to know how you handled this in the end and if things are improving?