Debbie2508 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 It's 5 months today post BU and 10 days til what should've been our wedding day. I'm feeling at my lowest point ever and have only myself to blame. I've done everything wrong,broken NC at least 4 times,gone over the rs non stop,thought about him obsessively,put him on the highest pedestal possible,snowballed,hardly eaten,avoided company and generally wallowed in self pity. they fact is,I'm still doing all those things and don't know how to stop,I'm just falling deeper and deeper into a very dark place. My counsellor doesn't seem unduly worried,she says that what unfeeling/doing is natural.,as I've lost someone I loved deeply and its going to take as long as it takes to get over it. She never gives advice ( is that usual?). just says that only I know what's best for meThe problem is that I don't know!, I know I'm supposed to love myself,but how? I hate myself . I'm meant to think positive thoughts but how,when I don't believe them? I'm sorry this post comes across as so whingey and negative,and I really don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say,but I jut feel so low that I wanted to write it all down.
maggie747 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Hi, how long have you been seeing the counsler? Have you tried to do anything nice for yourself ?
BustedUpInside Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 It's 5 months today post BU and 10 days til what should've been our wedding day. I'm feeling at my lowest point ever and have only myself to blame. I've done everything wrong,broken NC at least 4 times,gone over the rs non stop,thought about him obsessively,put him on the highest pedestal possible,snowballed,hardly eaten,avoided company and generally wallowed in self pity. they fact is,I'm still doing all those things and don't know how to stop,I'm just falling deeper and deeper into a very dark place. My counsellor doesn't seem unduly worried,she says that what unfeeling/doing is natural.,as I've lost someone I loved deeply and its going to take as long as it takes to get over it. She never gives advice ( is that usual?). just says that only I know what's best for meThe problem is that I don't know!, I know I'm supposed to love myself,but how? I hate myself . I'm meant to think positive thoughts but how,when I don't believe them? I'm sorry this post comes across as so whingey and negative,and I really don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say,but I jut feel so low that I wanted to write it all down. Don't worry about coming off as negative or whiny. You are going through a very tough time and deserve to vent about it as much as you want. You say you don't know what's best for you, but you do don't you? I think you're just confused about how to get there because everything seems so dark right now. It only feels like it has been forever, but if you look at it from an outside perspective, 5 months in the whole of your life is really just a very short time. Be kinder to yourself! So you have made a few mistakes post-break up. So what? Everyone does! You can keep going and get better. You are a strong person! Repeat this 100 times every day. You are strong, you are capable, this will not break you, you deserve to be happy, you can't control everything, but the things that are under your power you will do great at. Your therapist is right to not be worried. You will heal at your own pace. There are a few things that helped me, and if they help you, feel free to use them for as long as you want: 1. Every day tell yourself that you are going to feel better. Not all the way, just a little. Feel better today than you felt yesterday and tomorrow feel better than you did today. Setbacks are common but they don't take you back to zero. If you were climbing a huge mountain and stumbled back a few steps, you wouldn't walk back down to the bottom and start over, right? You would start from where you stumbled. 2. Every day tell yourself that just because a relationship ended it does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Break ups happen ALL the time. Every relationship in your life will end until it doesn't. You don't know which one is going to be the "one". You have to treat every relationship as if it is never going to end. You are not at fault for believing in something. This one didn't work out, but the next one might. If you spend all your time dwelling on the past, you won't ever be ready to be fully present right now. 3. Every day tell yourself that you determine your self worth. If you say that you are a bad person, then you are. However, if you say that you are a good person, then you are. Perception is reality. Tell yourself who you are, and then become that person. 4. Every day, be kind to yourself. You are not in competition with anyone else for healing from your relationship. You don't have to judge your progress by any standards but your own. If you do something and it makes you feel bad, then stop. If it makes you feel good, then keep doing it. The only caveat is that you should be thinking long term. Don't just do things because they feel good in the moment. Think big, act small. What things can I do today that will pave the way for tomorrow. If you do that every day, then there is no way that you won't make progress. Finally, you have to try and be more calm. When you stress yourself out and make things hectic, it is impossible to think rationally about things in your life. Just try to relax before you make any decisions. Count the pros and cons and try to do more for yourself from the pro list. You can do this! You can be strong! You can recover! Good luck and keep posting on here. It helps 1
Author Debbie2508 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Hi, how long have you been seeing the counsler? Have you tried to do anything nice for yourself ? Hi Maggie,I've seen the counsellor about 8 times. I really feel like she understands me,which is great,but she never gives me any advice or suggestions. Don't feel like doing anything nice for myself,just feel sad that we don't do nice things together anymore.I know that's the wrong attitude but I don't feel I "deserve"nice things,just for me,if that makes sense?
Author Debbie2508 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Don't worry about coming off as negative or whiny. You are going through a very tough time and deserve to vent about it as much as you want. You say you don't know what's best for you, but you do don't you? I think you're just confused about how to get there because everything seems so dark right now. It only feels like it has been forever, but if you look at it from an outside perspective, 5 months in the whole of your life is really just a very short time. Be kinder to yourself! So you have made a few mistakes post-break up. So what? Everyone does! You can keep going and get better. You are a strong person! Repeat this 100 times every day. You are strong, you are capable, this will not break you, you deserve to be happy, you can't control everything, but the things that are under your power you will do great at. Your therapist is right to not be worried. You will heal at your own pace. There are a few things that helped me, and if they help you, feel free to use them for as long as you want: 1. Every day tell yourself that you are going to feel better. Not all the way, just a little. Feel better today than you felt yesterday and tomorrow feel better than you did today. Setbacks are common but they don't take you back to zero. If you were climbing a huge mountain and stumbled back a few steps, you wouldn't walk back down to the bottom and start over, right? You would start from where you stumbled. 2. Every day tell yourself that just because a relationship ended it does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Break ups happen ALL the time. Every relationship in your life will end until it doesn't. You don't know which one is going to be the "one". You have to treat every relationship as if it is never going to end. You are not at fault for believing in something. This one didn't work out, but the next one might. If you spend all your time dwelling on the past, you won't ever be ready to be fully present right now. 3. Every day tell yourself that you determine your self worth. If you say that you are a bad person, then you are. However, if you say that you are a good person, then you are. Perception is reality. Tell yourself who you are, and then become that person. 4. Every day, be kind to yourself. You are not in competition with anyone else for healing from your relationship. You don't have to judge your progress by any standards but your own. If you do something and it makes you feel bad, then stop. If it makes you feel good, then keep doing it. The only caveat is that you should be thinking long term. Don't just do things because they feel good in the moment. Think big, act small. What things can I do today that will pave the way for tomorrow. If you do that every day, then there is no way that you won't make progress. Finally, you have to try and be more calm. When you stress yourself out and make things hectic, it is impossible to think rationally about things in your life. Just try to relax before you make any decisions. Count the pros and cons and try to do more for yourself from the pro list. You can do this! You can be strong! You can recover! Good luck and keep posting on here. It helps Hi busted,thanks for all the helpful advice. You're right,I guess 5 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things,I'm just worried that I'll still be the same at 15 months! My main problem is being unable/unwilling to let go. It took me to the age of 49 to find someone to be totally in over with,and for him to leave me 2 years later has left me devastated,to say the least. L Will try to put your suggestions into practice. I know I'll struggle with 2 and 3. Although my logical head tells me that it wasn't all my fault,the self-hating head says I wasn't good enough and that's why he left. As for self worth,I always struggle with that. The counsellor pointed out how many times I'd referred to myself as "stupid"this week. I just don't see how to suddenly be able to change the way I feel about myself,especially as this bu has "reinforced" the way I feel about myself. I definitely do need to try to be calmer and try to think rationally. I'm hoping that after the date that would have been our wedding has passed,that I may finally begin to come to terms with things and start to move forward. Hope so,anyway! 1
aisuru Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Hi Maggie,I've seen the counsellor about 8 times. I really feel like she understands me,which is great,but she never gives me any advice or suggestions. Don't feel like doing anything nice for myself,just feel sad that we don't do nice things together anymore.I know that's the wrong attitude but I don't feel I "deserve"nice things,just for me,if that makes sense? You may need to find a new therapist. Mine always has some type of "homework" for me at the end of a session, even if it's just advice. Don't be too hard on yourself though. You're mourning not just the relationship, but the future you had mapped out in your head. That's what's harder to get over. Cry your tears, write in a journal, eat well, take your vitamins, get out and exercise. Eventually, going through the motions will wake you up again and the pain will lessen over time. I promise you. 3
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 All the previous posters are totally right, and you have to understand why one of the reasons things are getting darker/worse is probably because you are counting days down to "what should have been". Its only natural. I was in a similar situation as yours, i completely understand. But let that day come and go, cry your brains out! Then stand back and see it for what it is: just wasn't meant to be. I think thngs will begin to become a tiny bit easier for you after that. 1
Author Debbie2508 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Thanks for your replies,all your suggestions make sense,but I've got so low that the thought of trying things fills me with dread. I know I sound pathetic,especially at my age!!! I'm having big problems with food,just existing on crisps,chocolate etc.I never cook a meal because eating nice meals together was such a big part of our rs.. its like I feel like rubbish,so I eat rubbish. I don't think I deserve good food and the thought of opening the fridge and seeing all the nice stuff we used to have together makes me feel sick. So I don't buy anything nice.. I know its ridiculous, but I can't stop feeling this way. I've told myself so many times that I'm stupid,useless etc that I can't think any other way and its taking over. I've just woken up,an hour before my alarm,as usual,and dread the thought of another day.I usually feel better by evening,but the mornings are dreadful. I usually arrive at work in tears and stay that way for much of the morning. Don't know how to get through this.
BustedUpInside Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Thanks for your replies,all your suggestions make sense,but I've got so low that the thought of trying things fills me with dread. I know I sound pathetic,especially at my age!!! I'm having big problems with food,just existing on crisps,chocolate etc.I never cook a meal because eating nice meals together was such a big part of our rs.. its like I feel like rubbish,so I eat rubbish. I don't think I deserve good food and the thought of opening the fridge and seeing all the nice stuff we used to have together makes me feel sick. So I don't buy anything nice.. I know its ridiculous, but I can't stop feeling this way. I've told myself so many times that I'm stupid,useless etc that I can't think any other way and its taking over. I've just woken up,an hour before my alarm,as usual,and dread the thought of another day.I usually feel better by evening,but the mornings are dreadful. I usually arrive at work in tears and stay that way for much of the morning. Don't know how to get through this. Don't feel bad. These kind of emotions affect everyone regardless of age, station, gender, etc. You are having problems now, but you don't sound like the kind of person who will give up. You are reaching out here, right? Cut yourself some slack. You will be fine. You deserve to be happy
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