k100danny Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I have basically had not so much an argument as i was anoyed and felt a bit hurt by something that happened today with me and my girlfriend, a bit of back story, we have been seeing each other for a few months, she had a previously relationship that was very controlling and abusive end around a year before we got together which has made her quite scared of conflict in any way I think, anyway... so we were laid in bed this morning and I mentioned a mutual friend who sometimes works for me, who was apparently there when this happened. She then went on to tell me last weekend, not the one just passed her sister had been out with him and a few friends and someone had mentioned how attractive her sister (my girlfriend is) her sister had said yeah shes beautiful ect and one of the guys asked to see her picture and she gave him her phone to see her profile on facebook ( also please note i know her sister, she is kind of a friend, also works for me sometimes so i would expect her to say something maybe she has a boyfriend or something) anyway she didn't mention it as far as im aware still no harm no foul ect. but he then proceeds to send my girlfriend a messag from her sisters account as if it is her sister who sent it (she knew it wasn't her sister straight away she told me) the message said I am out with friends, (this guy) is here I think you two would make a great couple you should add him on facebook. so anyway she then says to me that right after she gets a friend request from this guy. I say hang on your sister is basically showing people your pictures on facebook youve got a boyfriend and that i found it quite disrespectful in a way, as she even knows me too and we get along. anyway I don't make too much of a big deal about it, as far as im aware nobody has done anything wrong apart from me maybe being slightly annoyed at her sister either rightly or wrongly. so it turns out she actually accepted this guys friend request who she doesnt know, after reading the other message. I find this out a bit later totally by chance when the said guy who she had mentioned his name commented on a friends status update and i clicked on his name seeing she was one of the mutual friends (Sorry i know facebook seems a little childish to argue over) so this is when im a bit annoyed and see it as quite hurtfull to me. I am not usually the jealous type and we have never once had a real full on argument or being jealous of each other, we both have our sets of friends and never question each other at all. So i say oh so you accepted the friend request off this guy and she basically says yeah but i deleted him after he sent the message, i just accepted because i knew he was a friend of my sisters (this happened a week ago and i literally saw 2 minutes before they were friends) and then i notice as my page refreshes she has gone, deleted him. I said look I don't want you to think you have to lie to me, i trust you but i would like you to be honest ect, I am very careful not to make her feel defensive as Our parents are friends and i had heard a lot about her ex boyfriend and he sounded like an awful person who made her feel like ****. so anyway we had quite a long conversation and she basically said i did kind of lie but i expected you to go mad, im so used to having to hide everything i do for fear of what my ex would do, he would shout at me when guys looked at me ect (I don't mind guys look shes hot i feel very good about people being envious haha) so i say look I don't see what im asking as me accusing you as such i just want you to be honest, i don't want you to feel you have to hde things but at the same time if i feel hurt by something I can't just bite my tongue, i feel a bit disrespected by it. she tells me how she was wary about getting into a relationship and she had the horrible feelings she used to have when her ex used to quiz her, fear of what h would say or do or how hed react. I obviously don't want her to feel this way so im just asking if i have a right to be annoyed? and bring it up? how can i show her more than i already have that you can have disgreements in a relationship without it turning into massive conflict like she is used to? I trust her but at the same time i am hurt by what she has done and feel disrespected, I don't imagine she would cheat I just think it can give off the wrong picture and if the roles were reversed I would like to think i wouldnt do it. I know things like this can seem petty and i hate reading hings where facebook is involved usually. any input would be greatly appreciated.
jphcbpa Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think it is healthy that you brought it up and put it in the open. You were not shaming her, just getting it off your chest. No reason to have a resentment and carry it around.
pteromom Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I'm confused about what she lied about... it sounds legit to me.... She added him because he was a friend of her sister's, but then she read the other message from him and deleted him, right? I am missing something here. Anyway, her reasons about being scared due to her past relationship could be legit as well. I obviously don't want her to feel this way so im just asking if i have a right to be annoyed? and bring it up? how can i show her more than i already have that you can have disgreements in a relationship without it turning into massive conflict like she is used to? You feel how you feel. It isn't necessary to have a "right" to feel that way. It's just the way it is. As far as showing her that disagreements can happen in a healthy way, you should - - always focus on YOUR feelings if you are hurt, mad, etc. rather than accusing her or putting her on the defensive - always want to hear her side, and assume she is being honest when she gives it - accept it when she feels differently about an issue than you do - view disagreements as an opportunity to solve a problem rather than to air grievances, blame each other, or hurt each other. In this case, the problem is that you were feeling jealous and disrespected, and that you felt she wasn't honest with you. So you discuss it with her and make some boundaries together that will prevent it from happening again, then you LET IT GO and move forward. - don't ever ever ever bring up past hurts in arguments. This is a surefire way to ensure your partner will not be honest with you, because they never know when it will come back to haunt them!
Author k100danny Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 No not exactly, basically we tell each other most things, not because we feel we have to or at least i dont we just tend to share most things and she had just mentioned it this morning but she said i just thought i'd mention it incase you hear it from a mutual friend who was there at the time and works for me from time to time as i had mentioned I would be needin him to work later in the week. This was my first flag as this happened a couple of weeks ago but it hadn't been mentioned before. as for her reading the message then deleting him that isn't actually what happened, she had gotten a couple of messages from her sisters account saying im with this guy (obviously him who wrote it) he's really good looking youd make a great couple why not add him, and then she laughed and said he actually sent me a friend request after. fair enough and this is when i said I think its a bit disrespectful of your sister showing your picture off around and letting guys you dont know browse your facebook profile on her phone especially as knowing she has a boyfriend. she explained that she didnt think her sister meant it in anyway or was being disresectful to me, this is when i said some guys will try anything adding random people on facebook, but it turned out she had actually accepted this friend request, when i said did you accept she had said yes but then i read the message and deleted him (she cant have done because when i noticed a few minutes later who it was i clicked on his profile) it shows pictures of friends at the top and she was one of then, then when i clicked she had gone so i assume she had only just done it but lied and said she did it right after. two problems here, she accepted after hed already basically hit on her even though she has never met this person in her life, secondly that she then lied about it it was like she was trying to cover it up. I obviously understand people try to avoid conflict and because of a previously controlling boyfriend she might have thought i would shout at her and act bad towards her like other people did but i honestly just said I feel like its disrespectful to me and I personally wouldnt do that. I do feel hurt by it (I know its only a facebook friend request) but if she is seriously that scared because of her previous relationship then why even bring it up? I have given her no reason to think id act that way, never acted jealous, i understand she gets a LOT of attention and im fine with that to a degree but i think it kind of gives the guy the wrong impression accepting a friend request afterward. I might be blowing this out of proportion, it has resulted in a day long semi fall out, It's not something id end a relationship over but i do feel hurt by it and wouldnt expct someone to do that. I have never doubted her fidelity but i think cheatin isnt jut kissing and more you should show respect for the relationship. minutes before we were literally talking about how bad some people are in relationships and how her sister and a few of her friends have several people on the go and text and chat to other guys all at the same time and how bad it was. This is the first time we have ever had anything be a problem in around 3.5 months and knowing each other for around 7 months. It does feel like its become a very big deal, mainly down to the lying about it and stories changing. Like i say i don't THINK she has done anything majorly wrong or she probably wouldnt have brought it up but it has made me think twice now.
todreaminblue Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 if you made it clear to her that you felt disrespected,and been open and honest.......i woudl let this go now.....dont keep it in your head..... conflict avoidance is natural when you have an abusive relationship in the past.....make it clear that she can tell you everything...and be calm and reasonable when it is something you dont want to hear......my ex used to get me this way though....he would be calm and supportive i would feel i could tell him what happened...and then he would get mean......i dont mean just angry ...i mean scary angry.and i woudl fall into telling him things.....beleiving ok its safe......and it wasnt......conflict avoidance is learned behavior and hard to shift.......so i mainly handled guys unwanted attentions myself...i hate fights.......because i have had occasion to get knocked out stuck in the middle of one.......so yes i understand conflict avoidance.......be calm and mean what you say when you say ...."tell me anything I really want to know" ........realize when you say that....sometimes...you hear what you really dont like....best wishes..deb
clia Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think you have totally blown it out of proportion. I can't even believe you have had all these long discussions about it and that it has turned into a fight. It's Facebook, for God's sakes! You've only been seeing her a few months -- what right do you have to even question who she wants to be friends with on Facebook? Being Facebook friends doesn't mean a whole lot to many people. Do you think becoming Facebook friends with this guy means she wants to do him? There are people out there who have thousands of friends on Facebook, many of whom they've never even met. This guy isn't a total stranger -- he is friends with her sister. She might have laughed at what he said and accepted his friend request without a single thought about it. And then when you got all in an uproar, she realized it might upset you, she deleted it. She obviously didn't give two craps about being friends with him on Facebook. She had nothing to do with what her sister said to him or showed him, with his sending her a friend request, with the message he sent, or anything else. Who cares if he thinks she's pretty? Isn't she with you? Why are you still dwelling on it? Why has it turned into a half day fight? This is the first time we have ever had anything be a problem in around 3.5 months and knowing each other for around 7 months. This shouldn't be a problem. Seriously. She has done NOTHING wrong. I can tell you this -- if my boyfriend of three months started questioning who I was friends with on Facebook he would get the boot pretty quickly. It's insecure, jealous behavior. Not attractive. If you don't trust her, then break up with her. Period.
pteromom Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I have given her no reason to think id act that way, never acted jealous, i understand she gets a LOT of attention and im fine with that to a degree but i think it kind of gives the guy the wrong impression accepting a friend request afterward. And?? Who cares what this yahoo thinks? Even if he thinks she wants him, SHE knows that isn't true. And so should you, if you trust her. I might be blowing this out of proportion, it has resulted in a day long semi fall out, It's not something id end a relationship over but i do feel hurt by it and wouldnt expct someone to do that. I have never doubted her fidelity but i think cheatin isnt jut kissing and more you should show respect for the relationship. minutes before we were literally talking about how bad some people are in relationships and how her sister and a few of her friends have several people on the go and text and chat to other guys all at the same time and how bad it was. Yes, I think you are blowing it out of proportion. You need to let go of your expectations, and instead COMMUNICATE. As long as she understands and respects your point of view, then the issue is dealt with and you need to let it go. Although I do agree with clia that her adding him as a FB friend is not a big deal and certainly not worth jeopardizing your relationship over.
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