Husband wants a divorce and I don't want it.

[saurian]

I'll try to make this story short! My husband is military, we've been married 5 years, no kids and I had gone through my first 12 month deployment while being with him, a little over a year ago. During that time I had also lost my father to cancer. While trying to make a life for myself while he was gone, constantly worried if he would come home alive and dealing with my dads death, I was going through some emotional challenges when my husband returned. He was great and integrated well back into our lives. But I didn't. I had almost felt like I had grown apart and didn't know what I wanted anymore. I was cold and almost emotionless. We tried counseling and I just couldn't get past my feelings of distance from him. So I left him in November of last year. He was devastated and crushed I had left, but I felt like it was the only way I could find myself or it would have broke us forever. After 3 months of being gone, everything hit me. I was like what the heck am I doing I should be with my husband. I immediately starting fighting for him and told him I wanted to come home. He was resilient and was very unsure about everything for about 3 months. He finally gave in and let me move in for 2 weeks, because everyone kept saying "**** or get off the pot." He suddenly told me he needed more time, that I forced my way back and he couldn't forgive me for leaving. I moved back out on his wishes. He then shut me out completely and finally yesterday had the balls to say he was "moved on" the entire time I was trying to fight for him he just couldn't admit it to me. He now wants a divorce. Why would my heart lead me back to him when he was moving on the entire time? We stayed in touch and talked normally, told each other I love you, and I fell back in love with him. He said he just kept in touch because he still cares and loves me. I am so LOST and confused he no longer wants our marriage. He swore he didn't meet anyone or screw around. He basically doesn't want to be married anymore. HELP!

[Keenly]

He left to go due his duty, and as his wife you were supposed to be there for him when he hot back. Instead you rejected him and left him and then you wonder why he feels the wah he feels ?

[GorillaTheater]

Your coldness and leaving caused him to thoroughly detach emotionally as a survival mechanism; self-preservation so to speak.

 

He may "re-attach", just as you seem to have done, but as far as I've been able to tell, this is not usually the case.

 

He probably doesn't trust you not to break his heart again, and is very reluctant to give you another shot at doing so.

 

Your best bet is to stay as warm and friendly with him as you can, without overdoing it (=> "why weren't you like this when I was still engaged in this marriage??") It's a fine line, and you can't push, at all. He has to process this on his own timetable.

[worldgonewrong]

Why would my heart lead me back to him when he was moving on the entire time?

 

Conversely, why would his heart stay with you when you appeared to be moving on during the previous entire time?

[saurian]

I understand all your responses. First of all he pushed me away too and he has had his share of hurt towards me. He gets drunk and belittles me as a person. Imagine going through 12 months of worry for your spouse to come home alive and then he comes home, gets drunk and accuses you of infidelity just because the typical military spouse cheats during deployment. I was nothing but supportive and honorable to him. There are so many factors that aren't being said but I'm not the sole proprietor in all the pain and hurt.

[GorillaTheater]

I understand all your responses. First of all he pushed me away too and he has had his share of hurt towards me. He gets drunk and belittles me as a person. Imagine going through 12 months of worry for your spouse to come home alive and then he comes home, gets drunk and accuses you of infidelity just because the typical military spouse cheats during deployment. I was nothing but supportive and honorable to him. There are so many factors that aren't being said but I'm not the sole proprietor in all the pain and hurt.

 

These things are often a two-way street, at least to a point.

 

But as honestly as you can: which came first, his accusations or your coldness? How does he see it?

[saurian]

His accusations from what I recall. That's what pushed me over the edge. He see's it as only one screw up(out of many before) because he had just returned from deployment. I have come to realization that I did leave him when he was at his best, but I was at my worst. I did what I had to do to get better and I guess he's doing what he has to do.