missa72542 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My boyfriend asked me if he could go out with his friends this weekend. Okay no problem, I don't mind. But he asked if he could either sleep over, or if I could come pick him up. Basically meaning he would be planning on drinking. Well I don't like it when he's out at a party and drinking without me. So I asked him if I could tag along. He told me no... First... I should mention his friends don't like me because I used to be very controlling and wouldn't let him go out with them often at all. (I've changed, now I don't care as much as long as he tells me the truth about where he is, and doesn't stay out all night long) So he tells me that there will be A LOT of people there (I'm also bad around crowds). He said I wouldn't have fun, therefore he wouldn't have fun. But I'm not sure if I believe him when he says that's the reason he doesn't want me to go. He says "My friends hate you, plus you wont have fun... you'll be in a bad mood. It'll put me in a bad mood" etc. etc. But I kind of feel like he might be going somewhere, or doing something that I wont be okay with him doing. I told him things like "I promise I wont act like i'm in a bad mood, I'll try to have fun. I want to show your friends that I'm changing and can be fun. I want to be the girlfriend that you can bring around with your friends" And he just keeps saying "Not this event, not this one, not this one" I can't help but feel like SOMETHING is going to be going on at that party that he doesn't want me knowing about. He sort of has a history of going to parties and hooking up. Not a lot of history... and he was always single when it happened so there's no real reason to believe that he'd cheat on me. However he HAS lied to me before, and it's hard to tell when he's lying and when he's telling the truth. Am I just going crazy with distrust here? Am I in the wrong? or am I slightly justified in being a tad bit concerned about this party?
kassy Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Wow, you say you used to be controlling.... But it sounds like you still are really controlling. If you can't trust your boyfriend to go out and drink with his friends and not hook up with someone then it's a good time to break up. It is best to date someone who you have the same values as. Trying to change someone's behavior by being controlling is a recipe for disaster. It also isn't promising all his friends hate you. Break up and find someone you are compatible with
stillafool Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Obviously he isn't going to be doing anything or he wouldn't have asked you to pick him up. He wants to drink and have fun with his friends without having to worry about somewhat babysitting you. Let him have his fun with his friends. I don't see anything wrong with what he is doing. At 22 he should be out having fun. If you don't stop you are going to lose him.
Author missa72542 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 @kassy I don't want to end things with him, I love him. I love him more than I ever have anyone else. I want to make things work with him. I really came here to find help on my trust issues. Plus, it's not fair to judge that I'm controlling when you don't know what all else goes on in this relationship. I just covered one topic. In fact... he may be more controlling than I am. I wont delve into that stuff because I didn't come here to address those issues, I just came here for advice on my trust issues.
Author missa72542 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Obviously he isn't going to be doing anything or he wouldn't have asked you to pick him up. He wants to drink and have fun with his friends without having to worry about somewhat babysitting you. Let him have his fun with his friends. I don't see anything wrong with what he is doing. At 22 he should be out having fun. If you don't stop you are going to lose him. I guess it just feels like I should be concerned... because I asked really nicely if I could go. I told him that I just wanted out of the house (Which I do, I never go anywhere, I need to have some fun myself). I also let him know that I know he wants to have fun, but that I want to show him that I can be fun with his friends too. I wasn't asking to go all the time. Which he goes out with his friends every week, I don't ask to go to those events. I just felt like going to this one, and when he told me no it really threw me off.
Ed the 3rd Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 You are still very controlling. Its a wonder how he puts up with that. Well actually its not hard to figure out.
kassy Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Why don't you go have fun with your friends that night then? Sounds like a pretty awful relationship to me, neither have fun his friends hate you and you are both very controlling... Well enjoy it if that's how you like to live
Author missa72542 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 All my friends are over 1,000 miles away. I moved up here recently and haven't met people yet.
KatZee Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 He says "My friends hate you, plus you wont have fun... you'll be in a bad mood. It'll put me in a bad mood" etc. etc. I got to this and just went "YIKES." I'm sorry but your relationship has zero foundation for any sort of lasting factor. These are not good signs that you have obvious control issues, to the point of his friends hating you, you're anti-social, you can't handle yourself in public situations, and it's to the point where your boyfriend doesn't even want you around. You've also caught him in lies. I'm sorry but all of this is just bad, bad, bad. Very bad. 3
KatZee Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I guess it just feels like I should be concerned... because I asked really nicely if I could go. I told him that I just wanted out of the house (Which I do, I never go anywhere, I need to have some fun myself). I also let him know that I know he wants to have fun, but that I want to show him that I can be fun with his friends too. I wasn't asking to go all the time. Which he goes out with his friends every week, I don't ask to go to those events. I just felt like going to this one, and when he told me no it really threw me off. You need to create your own social circle. For his friends to hate you, it sounds like you've done some pretty outrageous things in the past. Since his friends don't really know you, their opinion of you is pretty tainted at this point, and he may have nothing to hide at all. He just doesn't want you there. Which is a serious issue in itself. He doesn't have fun with you. You stress him out, and you put off his friends. A guy wants a girlfriend who can get along with his crew. You can't. Therefore, you're the outsider. Don't rely on him to have fun. It sounds like all you do is sit in the house. Why? Getting out there will actually be really great practice for you, since it sounds like you have no clue how to navigate socially. Your boyfriend is not your crutch. Maybe if he sees you creating a life for yourself, and being a cool person socially he'll be more inclined to invite you out. But if all you're going to do is show up with him and have a stink face on all night, being annoyed, quiet, and in the corner complaining, then obviously he won't want you around. 3
Sunshine87 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) Guys that age can be pretty immature. His friends might resent the fact that he has a girlfriend and prefer to have him to themselves. I won't use his friends opinion as a basis for assessing this scenario. Like you said, there is so much more to this. The most important thing is you realise that you have trust issues and want to address them. So kudos:) Be honest: Has he done anything to warrant some mistrust? Apart from lying. Lol. Nobody is perfect and people slip somtimes. But has he done anything to warrant mistrst or distrust? Are your fears based on unfounded suspicions or things that have occurred in the past which you have no revealed? Be honest. I feel for you because most relationships between people your age don't last....I mean they eventually end. 22years is the age where boys tend to explore. It's perfectly normal and healthy for him to have some guy time and you need to get used to this. Infact, you need to get used to him interacting with other women, you can't shield him away forever. Whether or not it is solid relationship solid will be determined only after these "tests". I know how young love feels- so in love etc. But you need to cultivate the habit of giving him space. Don't be paranoid. Don't be bitchy. If you stifle his healthy social life, you will push him away. Guys like their freedom and you need to understand this. Nxt step is for you to build a life outside of your boyfriend. Do yo have close friends? Hobbies? An interest? Family? Church activities? You need to concsiously make an effort to busy yourself and get some "me time". It sounds like your life revolves around your boyfriend. This is not sustainable and very healthy- potentially devastating because if you break up you will have a lot of pieces to pick up. The forces of nature are beyond you. But you can do your very best to make this work by implementing the aforementioned and taking the advice of some of the posters. Start engaging in activites that do not involve him. Don't spend all your spare time with him- you will bore and stifle him if you do. Don't be paranoid. Don't imagine the worst. Don't doubt him or nag him without good cause. Always ge a second opinion before reacting. When you are upset, take time off to cool down before reacting. Go onlie and read resources about becoming a rounded girlfriend. Ultimately, come to terms with the fact that boys need some "guy" time. They will interract with other females too. There is nothing you can do about that. So just focus on being an accommodating and reasonable girlfriend:) Ps: Has he done anything to warrant mistrust or distrust? Edited June 4, 2013 by Sunshine87
assiral Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My boyfriend asked me if he could go out with his friends this weekend. Okay no problem, I don't mind. But he asked if he could either sleep over, or if I could come pick him up. Basically meaning he would be planning on drinking. Well I don't like it when he's out at a party and drinking without me. So I asked him if I could tag along. He told me no... First... I should mention his friends don't like me because I used to be very controlling and wouldn't let him go out with them often at all. (I've changed, now I don't care as much as long as he tells me the truth about where he is, and doesn't stay out all night long) So he tells me that there will be A LOT of people there (I'm also bad around crowds). He said I wouldn't have fun, therefore he wouldn't have fun. But I'm not sure if I believe him when he says that's the reason he doesn't want me to go. He says "My friends hate you, plus you wont have fun... you'll be in a bad mood. It'll put me in a bad mood" etc. etc. But I kind of feel like he might be going somewhere, or doing something that I wont be okay with him doing. I told him things like "I promise I wont act like i'm in a bad mood, I'll try to have fun. I want to show your friends that I'm changing and can be fun. I want to be the girlfriend that you can bring around with your friends" And he just keeps saying "Not this event, not this one, not this one" I can't help but feel like SOMETHING is going to be going on at that party that he doesn't want me knowing about. He sort of has a history of going to parties and hooking up. Not a lot of history... and he was always single when it happened so there's no real reason to believe that he'd cheat on me. However he HAS lied to me before, and it's hard to tell when he's lying and when he's telling the truth. Am I just going crazy with distrust here? Am I in the wrong? or am I slightly justified in being a tad bit concerned about this party? A month ago, me and me (now ex) boyfriend had this exact same situation happening to us. The discussion became a fight that became us breaking up. I regret nothing.
shexy Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Probably the reason he's lied to you in the past is because you are controlling, and you would get mad at him and have a fit if he did something or went somewhere that you didn't approve of. I think he's being VERY responsible by asking you to drive him, at least he's not planning on getting wasted and driving. He's trying to do the right thing here! If his friends don't like you right now, why don't you give your BF some leash, and let him have fun with his friends without getting mad? It's not just about you trusting your bf - him and his friends need to learn they can trust you not to act like a brat every time you're at a party or event together.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Am I just going crazy with distrust here? Am I in the wrong? or am I slightly justified in being a tad bit concerned about this party? I couldn't say that you are in the wrong now, but your past moves have rendered you not invited to find out.
Lani Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 I couldn't say that you are in the wrong now, but your past moves have rendered you not invited to find out. This! He's coming home to you at the end of the night, so I don't see what reason you have not to trust him? At the moment, it sounds like you're just being whiney and annoying him about it, which most certainly won't win you an invite! If you're really worried about what might go on, tell him you'll pick him up. When you do, park and get out of your car, and go in and get him. You'll see where he's been and get an inkling into what may have been going on there. You can also use that time to say a friendly hello to everyone, maybe try and get back in their good books.
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