Boyfriend has a child with the EX, I can't cope with situation well - help

[hockey1]

I met my boyfriends about a year ago. He's seperated with a 18mth old child to his Ex. The child lives with his ex. We both have hectic lives, socially and at work and very rarely get to spend much quality time together. Weekdays, I'm out, he's out, he's working or he's with the kid - wee see wachother probably 2 evenigns a week and then we're watching TV. Weekends, we both play hockey on Sats and Sundays he's with the child all day and quite often he's over on Sat night.

 

He still sees the ex when he sees the child. Is it normal for it to drive you up the wall wondering what they're talkign about?

Also, is it normal to be jealous of the child and to really resent that fact he has one. I'm in my early 20's he's in his early 30's and I'm jsut not ready for all that child thing yet, i don't know how to handle it and when the child is round, I feel like I'm in the way and my boyfirend just seems to ignore me and take less interest in me, or talks to me like I should be really into the child and know what to do with them, and all I seem to so is tidy up after them both.

 

I'm really upset about it all. If I block it out and don't think about the child and and Ex I'm fine but as soon as he mentions them I just get raelly upset and don't know if i can cope with the rest of my life the way things are, not really seeing him much, knowing he's got a child with somebody else and kowing that he will have to see the Ex always.......ADVICE Please

[crowdreamer]

But when you signed up for a relationship with him you signed up for everything that is important in his life...and most good parents consider their child to be an important part of their life, especially at that age. It's like saying, I really love my bf and all but I can't stand the fact that he is a Mexican...he cannot change the fact that he has a child. And at that age, I don't think it would be appropriate for him to have the child away from the mother, I'm no expert so I don't know for sure, but usually unless the father has been the main one taking care of the child courts will not let the child stay with him by himself for long periods of time without the mother. Children need their mother at that age.

 

So I guess the only thing you could do is to make more time for each other during times when he's not visiting his kid. Give up hockey for a while, or schedule it at a different time, or whatever. If you guys aren't willing to make sacrifices in other parts of your life (like watching TV?!?) then how much do you really care about each other anyway? If it's him who won't make sacrifices in his schedule (besides giving up parenting time), then you have to wonder how much he's really willing to be *in* the relationship.

 

But to ask him to give up time with his child at that age, is just selfish. Hey, you asked.

[supermom]

I agree with what crowdreamer said, and that you have to realize that it is unfair for you to hold resentment against the child. They can feel that you know. Also, I don't think your bf will stay with someone who doesn't accept his child.

 

You need to reevaluate weather or not you can actually do this relationship. If not, get out before the relationship goes any longer.

 

Good Luck

[alicia24]

OMG I feel like I just told that story. My situation was almost identical. First of all the kid should always come first. You have to accept that. The ex thing used to drive me up the wall because when he would drop the kid off the ex would be mean and say hurtful things and it would ruin our plans because he would just want to be alone. I just kept telling myself not to let that c*nt b*tch get the best of us. And she didnt. At least you get to see the kid. I only met her once and the mom flipped. Youre young you dont need this crap right now. TRUST ME i know first hand

[whichwayisup]

Yup, you have some serious thinking to do. I can understand at 20 you are not ready to be a parent but if you want this man in your life, it's a package deal. You have to accept that the ex will be part of his life forever in one way or another because of their child. Speaking of which, I agree with supermom, their child must pick up on some negative feelings, I can feel it by the way you say 'the child or the kid'. 18 month old children cannot be ignored, nor should they be. If you feel you can't handle this then maybe you and your guy need to really talk because it isn't fair to be with someone who really wants nothing to do with their child. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, just irks me. My husband and I don't have children yet, but if I ever was in your situation and I had a child, I would want my partner to WANT to meet my son/daughter and want to be part of their lives, otherwise I'd be outta there!

[YellowLioness]

Yeah, I agree.

 

I know what it's like to not be ready to be a mom. However, whehter you like it or not, as the child grows older and you stay with this guy, you will be a role model.

 

Maybe you should date someone who doesn't have kids, that way, you won't get jealous. That kid is more important then you are, and that's the way it should be. Parents should never put a boyfriend or girlfriend over the well being of the child.

 

You're barely a woman yourself, I'd suggest moving on to someone more on your level of life: someone young with few responsibilities that will take his attention away from you.

[Guest]

Bullcrap. The kid is NOT more important than you are. Just important in a different way. He has MAJOR responsibility to his kid, to be a good Dad. That's fine. He's not insisting that you participate in the rearing of his kid, consider yourself lucky. Set up certain times during the week (that don't interfere with kid schedule)for you and him, alone, and focus on those times.

 

You are dating a man with kids with someone else. Fine. But it doesn't mean YOU have to sacrifice yourself for the child...that's his job. So when you start to feel petty, and nasty, back away and go do something on your own. Remember, he's better off with you-you're not better off with him.

[Naive]

If you knew he had a child you have to accept him that way or leave him. No matter what that child is always going to come before you. Plus, when you love someone you love everything that comes along with them (the whole package).