Author iceisles Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 Originally posted by Panther All I would have to say from personal experience is one word.....RUN. I just went throught he same thing. I wish I would have taken the advice given earlier and RAN the moment she broke it off with me. NC is th eonly way. It accomplishes a few different things. 1. Either she will miss you and realise what she lost and get back together with you if you want or 2. it will help you get over it, cause a relationship (especially and unhealthy one) can be alike a drug, and the only way to get over it is to go COLD TURKEY. and 3. it will help you keep your self respect. Good luck.... Thanks, Panther. I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to take her back, as there is just too much evidence suggesting that she cheated on me. One question I have is - do you think I should inform her that I have no intention of ever taking her back, or should I just let things between us slowly fade? The former would make me feel better, but perhaps the sudden dissipation of my feelings for her would do the job equally as well and make her wonder about the possibility of me knowing what she was up to (even though I don't know for sure.) Falling off the face of the Earth after pleading for her back would probably speak volumes by saying nothing at all. As I see it, the problem with telling her the reasons for this decision is that she will continue to deny that she was cheating and be argumentative. It could make for a very unpleasant final conversation and would likely jeopardize any potential friendship, which honestly doesn't matter to me after all that has happened. Thanks for your thoughts.
Panther Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 NC Immediatly. Do not give eghr the satisfaction. She has shown you no respect whatsover. I would just dissapear and move on with my life. I know that is hard to do, but why go through a long drawn conversation that will end up having the same results anyway. Pick yourself up, move on, and forget about her as best you can. Trust me I know it is hard. My story is a little bit in the "My Ex Hates Me, cause I moved on" string, id you want to read more. I wish I would have just walked away, and never spoke ot her again. I would have my dignity intact, and I would have saved myslef a lot of heart ache. Do yourself a favor brother.. worry about your feelings, not hers. It is apparant that she is not worrying about you the way you deserve, so why waste the emotions on someone who dioes not deserve you. Somewhere out there is a woman (not a girl..emotionally) who wants a man, not a boy. Find her, but if you keep pining over this little girl, the right one could walk up to you tomorow, and you would not even notive her, because you are pining over the "wrong" one.
Author iceisles Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 Very true. I plan to vigorously stick with NC, but she will continue to contact me. As previously mentioned, I suppose the best thing I can do is screen my calls and respond to her e-mails briefly and impersonally. I have already begun looking for someone new, because I recognize that she doesn't care about me. This "needing space" thing is nothing more than a stall tactic until she figures out how to let me down gently. By the time she comes up with something, I'll have already been long gone.
Panther Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 I would not even respond to emails or texts.... that is still "contact". It is a way for her to make sure you are still there.
Author iceisles Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 Originally posted by Panther I would not even respond to emails or texts.... that is still "contact". It is a way for her to make sure you are still there. What about delayed contact? If she writes me tonight, I'll reply sometime Tuesday. I've heard that with NC, you don't want to be rude if they initiate friendly contact. This way I won't be the bad guy for completely blowing her off, but won't appear interested in any kind of relationship.
Panther Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 I still think NC is NC.. none at all. but if you must.. wait a few days like you said and be veryy nonchalant
Author iceisles Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 I know she is treating me like sh**, but I'm still a respectful person and don't know if I could blow her off. She should get the message with some very short e-mails full of small-talk.
Mary3 Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 Being a woman myself : when a woman refuses you in the bedroom , its because she does NOT want to have sex with you...does not feel emotionally connected to you and probrobly wants it to END so she can ( possibly ) be with someone else. ( Now this does not include women who have valid obvious reasons for not wanting sex, periods, surgery, illness ) Just THOSE who just dont seem interested in you sexually....WATCH OUT ! Now with you , see all the precious moments of your life you are wasting thinking about this girl over and over...LIFE IS PASSING YOU BY ! We have all been there.. what you are experiencing and it is our purpose to give you a little * push * to stop wasting your life on someone who is not interested in you....or less so....Sorry to be mean but we all need closure....
Author iceisles Posted October 10, 2004 Author Posted October 10, 2004 Originally posted by Mary3 Being a woman myself : when a woman refuses you in the bedroom , its because she does NOT want to have sex with you...does not feel emotionally connected to you and probrobly wants it to END so she can ( possibly ) be with someone else. ( Now this does not include women who have valid obvious reasons for not wanting sex, periods, surgery, illness ) Just THOSE who just dont seem interested in you sexually....WATCH OUT ! Now with you , see all the precious moments of your life you are wasting thinking about this girl over and over...LIFE IS PASSING YOU BY ! We have all been there.. what you are experiencing and it is our purpose to give you a little * push * to stop wasting your life on someone who is not interested in you....or less so....Sorry to be mean but we all need closure.... Believe it or not, I'm over her and nothing she says from this point forward will devastate me. I am mainly just interested to see how things will weigh on her conscience as NC time passes. That will be a good barometer if I have any interest in being friends someday.
Author iceisles Posted October 10, 2004 Author Posted October 10, 2004 She just e-mailed me and asked if I thought she was pretty. She wrote a few lines stating that she doesn't find herself attractive, which is in line with her self-confidence problems. Can someone be so depressed that they will look for reassurance from someone they know doesn't want to give it? She always doubted her looks even while we were dating, and I (or anyone else) have never been able to convince her just how attractive she is. I guess it's hard to believe others when you're unwilling or unable to believe something yourself.
Scott S Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 Originally posted by iceisles [sNIP]Do you all think it is wrong of me to want to make her wonder what I'm doing? I just want to regain some control of the situation (balance of power, etc.) without being deceitful or manipulative. As I posted before, avoid getting into a Mind-Games mentality. That includes "balance of power" or "balance of terror," or whatever you wish to call it. The simple fact is that the relationship has changed, & you need to change with it. You are not the center of her life anymore, it is therefore unreasonable for her to remain the center of yours. Originally posted by iceisles I keep hearing "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and really believe there could be truth in that. In many cases that is true. In her case, however, it may be "Out of sight, out of mind." With a view to that, you really need to shift your focus to other things, & cultivate other relationships. It appears she has.
SoleMate Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 Her sexual rejection of you on that weekend does tend to support the cheating theory, particularly since you said it was out of the ordinary for her. Her thoughts and sexual feelings were clearly focussed on this OM, and not on you. Why would someone do this, you ask? (i.e. string along the person they are planning to reject in favor of a new SO). I agree that it seems illogical, yet it is a very common pattern. It is basically due to not wanting to give up whatever the good parts were of what she had with you: perhaps just the attention from you, security of knowing she "has someone", a fallback boyfriend in case the new one does not work out. Maybe she just enjoyed those resort weekends with you (especially if you paid the bill). Someone to call on the phone and feed her ego or help save her from loneliness. Please note that none of these reasons would be enough for you to actually be wise in getting back with her.
Author iceisles Posted October 10, 2004 Author Posted October 10, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Her sexual rejection of you on that weekend does tend to support the cheating theory, particularly since you said it was out of the ordinary for her. Her thoughts and sexual feelings were clearly focussed on this OM, and not on you. Why would someone do this, you ask? (i.e. string along the person they are planning to reject in favor of a new SO). I agree that it seems illogical, yet it is a very common pattern. It is basically due to not wanting to give up whatever the good parts were of what she had with you: perhaps just the attention from you, security of knowing she "has someone", a fallback boyfriend in case the new one does not work out. Maybe she just enjoyed those resort weekends with you (especially if you paid the bill). Someone to call on the phone and feed her ego or help save her from loneliness. Please note that none of these reasons would be enough for you to actually be wise in getting back with her. Thanks for the post. I have no intention of getting back with her but see where you're coming from. I think it's a situation where she does want me in her life and feels that an admission of betrayal would dissolve any potential friendship (when in reality I would view the honesty, however delayed, as a mature and respectful step in the right direction). I have repeatedly told her that I will always be here for her no matter what obstacles we may face in my life, and this probably means a lot to her since she doesn't have many close friends that she can count on. This would be a reasonable explanation for her continued contact despite me no longer calling or e-mailing her. The fact that she remains significantly depressed tells me, at the very least, that any new guy she may have right now isn't getting it done for her. This is a tough NC situation to be in, because even though I have no intention of taking her back, I still feel an obligation to help her during this emotional time of need. That means I have to carefully balance giving her support while not leading on that we have any type of romantic future together. I know some of you may think that I don't have any responsibility for her depression, but she is still a good person despite cheating and ruining our relationship. We all make mistakes, and her pronounced depression in the months prior to our breakup may have been a significant contributing factor to our demise. It's because nobody is perfect that I still desire a friendship, even one where the emotional landscape has drastically changed.
Author iceisles Posted October 11, 2004 Author Posted October 11, 2004 Am I doing the right thing by responding informally a few days after she contacts me? The reason I ask is because part of me just wants to widen my response time to a week or longer to make her really wonder what I'm up to. I'm vigorously following NC, but she still continues to periodically contact me. What is the best way for me to handle this? Somehow I think that she won't start to miss me and genuinely think about things until I start to ignore some of her e-mails/phone calls.
SoleMate Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 As I understand it, NC philosophy would suggest that you make her do all the pursuing. So I think it's fine to wait several days (as in 3 to 7) until you acknowledge her emails or calls. If asked why it took so long, you just let he know that you've been "busy". I sense some ambiguity from you, iceisles. You don't want her back, but you want to have a certain emotional effect on her (i.e. cause her to feel guilty and tell the truth and apologize to you). Just be aware that you may never get what you want, and as long as you spend emotional effort pursuing it, you will be closing yourself off to other romantic possibilities. You are still emotionally engaged with her. I think your friendship goal is laudable, but almost impossible except for superhumans at this time (maybe a few years out, with some water under the bridge, true friendship will be possible). It will be almost as hard to be friends with her because of what she did, as it was to be her lover. Also, because I'm female and know how we females act, I would be really worried that she would use/misuse any friendship between the two of you as a "handle" to keep you on her string.
Author iceisles Posted October 11, 2004 Author Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate As I understand it, NC philosophy would suggest that you make her do all the pursuing. So I think it's fine to wait several days (as in 3 to 7) until you acknowledge her emails or calls. If asked why it took so long, you just let he know that you've been "busy". I sense some ambiguity from you, iceisles. You don't want her back, but you want to have a certain emotional effect on her (i.e. cause her to feel guilty and tell the truth and apologize to you). Just be aware that you may never get what you want, and as long as you spend emotional effort pursuing it, you will be closing yourself off to other romantic possibilities. You are still emotionally engaged with her. I think your friendship goal is laudable, but almost impossible except for superhumans at this time (maybe a few years out, with some water under the bridge, true friendship will be possible). It will be almost as hard to be friends with her because of what she did, as it was to be her lover. Also, because I'm female and know how we females act, I would be really worried that she would use/misuse any friendship between the two of you as a "handle" to keep you on her string. As always, thanks for your thoughts. You're right - I do want her to tell me the truth, because I feel I am owed that. However, I realize that this is not a perfect world and that I may never get the entire story. And while I am still somewhat emotionally engaged with her, I am actively seeking/talking to other girls and moving on. I do miss her, but it's more as a companion or friend than as a girlfriend. Even though I don't want to be together again, I care about her dearly because she is a good person. I want to do everything I can to be there for her without being "on a string." Having never been through something like this before, that solid friendship I am seeking may take much longer than I anticipate, and I suppose I should plan my steps carefully until I reach that point.
Author iceisles Posted October 11, 2004 Author Posted October 11, 2004 SoleMate (and anyone else) - when I got home, there was a message on my machine from my ex stating that she really needed to talk. Thinking this could possibly be a meaningful conversation, I decided to call her back. As it turns out, she just wanted some advice on a family matter. I politely helped as much as I could before she had to go. She was VERY friendly on the phone, calling me "honey" several times. She really appreciated my help and said that she might give me a call later. I told her that I'll have company until about 8:30, but anytime after that was good. She questioned me about this company (which I'm not actually having) but I just passively answered "a friend from work." She also asked why I haven't been online and I responded that I have been busy. I could tell that she was curious about what "busy" meant but didn't want to ask anything else. Where do you think I should go from here? I mean, she clearly wants me as a friend, which is all I want from her anyway. I'm going to continue with the limited contact, only responding when she initiates it. However, do you think I should recant on waiting 3-7 days? If she does call tonight, should I pick up even if I am home? I think I have done a good job thusfar at showing her that I can live my life without her, and she doesn't feel intimidated to call me because I'm not bringing up "us" or anything from the past. I really don't know what to make of this - she says she wanted to talk to me because she doesn't have anyone else to talk to. Is it possible that there really isn't another guy in the picture? Surely she would be talking to him about her problems instead of the one she recently dumped. I know my ex would be one of the last people I talked to if our roles were reversed. If a friendship is all I desire, am I doing the right thing by being here for her? Yes, I do want the truth, but might I have equal success by remaining cordial to her as opposed to doing the limited contact thing? Her calling me "honey" may not seem like much to you, but she wouldn't be calling me that if she didn't mean it. I just don't know how to interpret that. Would you recommend continuing the limited contact thing, and if so, should I make any adjustments to how I deal with her contacting me all the time? Does your experience and gut feeling lead you to believe that I am just here as advisory counsel to her problems, or is she really reaching out to me because there really is nobody else (even though the preponderence of evidence almost suggests it)? Being in the middle of this, I can't tell what her motives are for talking to me so much or how I should take it. And just so you know, her talking to me has not changed my plans of finding someone new. If I seem ambigous, it's only because she seems to be sending a lot of mixed signals. As always, your insight (and anyone else gracious enough to read this) is greatly appreciated.
Author iceisles Posted October 11, 2004 Author Posted October 11, 2004 My best friend thinks that she is just using me as a "fallback guy" because he has seen this kind of thing many times before. He suggested not responding to ANY contact for a month to send a serious message that I won't accept that. What do you all feel about that theory?
Panther Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 I agree with your friend absolutley. Mine did the same thing to me. I did NC, eventually met soemoen else, and my ex even got very angry. It was the old 'I don't want you, but I don't want anybody else to have you" game. Don't confuse there jealousy for actual wanting to get back to gether. It will keep you from moving on. It is almost impossible to get the truth from somebody cause no one ever wants to feel like they are the bad guy or girl in a break up. It is much easier to make an Ex you dumped a psycho or needy than to actually realise that the end was the fault of the dumper. My best friend gave me this advice once, and it stung....... he said "Never, ever date anyone with more problems than yourself. Because eventually, their problems become YOURS" He also said this to me. "Remember that one person you dumped and hurt so badly......????Remember how you felt about them after you dumped them? That is excactly how your Ex who just dumped you feels about you?" OUCH... that hurt.. but it made sense...... Good luck
Author iceisles Posted October 12, 2004 Author Posted October 12, 2004 Originally posted by Panther I agree with your friend absolutley. Mine did the same thing to me. I did NC, eventually met soemoen else, and my ex even got very angry. It was the old 'I don't want you, but I don't want anybody else to have you" game. Don't confuse there jealousy for actual wanting to get back to gether. It will keep you from moving on. It is almost impossible to get the truth from somebody cause no one ever wants to feel like they are the bad guy or girl in a break up. It is much easier to make an Ex you dumped a psycho or needy than to actually realise that the end was the fault of the dumper. My best friend gave me this advice once, and it stung....... he said "Never, ever date anyone with more problems than yourself. Because eventually, their problems become YOURS" He also said this to me. "Remember that one person you dumped and hurt so badly......????Remember how you felt about them after you dumped them? That is excactly how your Ex who just dumped you feels about you?" OUCH... that hurt.. but it made sense...... Good luck Thanks so much, Panther. You know, I kind of feel like I'm being used. She only calls me when she has a problem or needs to vent, and then I don't hear from her for a few days. Who am I, Dear Abby? Maybe the reason I feel like I'm being walked on is because I am. What do you think about strict 100% NC (even if she initiates) for awhile? I don't want to be a damn doormat or a convenient insurance policy.
SoleMate Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Your friend is likely correct. "Fallback" == "Being on a string". The guy who will always take her calls, who will always give, and never ask for anything for himself. Don't be that guy.
Author iceisles Posted October 12, 2004 Author Posted October 12, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Your friend is likely correct. "Fallback" == "Being on a string". The guy who will always take her calls, who will always give, and never ask for anything for himself. Don't be that guy. I'm not going to be. I'm onto her scherade and it's time to respond with silence. For me it will be fairly easy, since I have no desire to be back together with her anyway. If I lose her through NC, all I'm losing is a friendship - and a one-sided one at that.
Author iceisles Posted October 12, 2004 Author Posted October 12, 2004 Originally posted by Panther No Contact ...period. ever...period...... "Ever" as is in never again? Do you suggest I just keep it up until she stops contacting me altogether? At this point, I don't need NC to help distance me from her romantically, but I do want to make her aware that I will not be used as a friend.
Author iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Author Posted October 13, 2004 I am thinking of slamming the door on her for a full month. After that, I will either send her a short e-mail or perhaps just decide her friendship isn't worth it. Part of me actually feels really good about shutting down her game.
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