Kirkliston Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I know that someone posted on the same subject a few months ago, but I wanted to start a new thread, partly because I'm not so much seeking advice as wanting to get things off my chest. From 2005 to 2010, I was in a serious, long-term relationship with a woman I expected to be with for the duration. (In fact, I lost my virginity to her at the advanced age of - don't laugh - 33, which was mainly because of my religious upbringing). Unfortunately, as time went on I started to think about children, but she just wasn't interested, in fact, she was adamant she never, ever wanted children, a factor which eventually led to the end of our relationship. Soon after ending it with me, she started a relationship with a man in the village we'd moved to 18 months earlier, known to both of us, and 19 years her senior. Eventually, he moved in with her. Into the house I'd lived with her in. Sharing the same bed I'd shared with her. All played out in front of the entire village. We'd managed to maintain some sort of superficial friendship since splitting, and I even went round their (my old) house for dinner one night. Looking back on it, and in light of what I now know, I'm amazed I kept it up so long, as now, it would seem, my humiliation is complete; I was at a village wedding party the other night when I saw she'd come in. Then I noticed the bump. Pregnant. Four ******* months pregnant. I know everyone's entitled to change their mind, but she was adamant she did not want kids, ever, and now she's having one with the Anti-me (he seems to be everything I'm not, which makes me wonder if she's just not fussy, considering how long she was with me for). I'm so shocked I don't even know what to feel. I'm just numb. Everyone I've spoken to has tried to rationalise it because they think it'll help, saying things like "she wasn't right for you", "people change" and "don't worry, you'll meet someone". All true, of course, but I can't just rationalise my feelings away. I don't want her back, but seeing the woman I was with for the longest of all my relationships (so far) pregnant with another man's child, a man completely opposite from me in every way, is profoundly distressing, especially since she didn't want kids before. She must have realised I wouldn't take it well, as when I went to block her and her sister on Facebook the other day (as a sort of self-preservation exercise), her sister had already unfriended me and Her Ladyship had blocked me. I certainly don't intend to have anything to do with her again, but given that we both live in the same village and have a lot of mutual friends, that might be difficult. Having said that, I hadn't seen her for two months till the other night. ******* know why now! P.S. sorry for the long post, especially as it's my first.
Exitleft Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 This sounds so painful. I am sorry this happened to you. You sound like a really nice guy and I know everyone has said it to you already but I do think someone better suited will come along for you. I've noticed reading these forums that one person always moves on almost immediately. That really hurts. It is possible her pregnancy wasn't planned. Even so, I know that's little comfort. I am sorry.
Author Kirkliston Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Thanks Exitleft, I appreciate it. I think my problem is that I'm just too nice, too accommodating, and end up being walked all over. Women seem to be attracted to my niceness, but then get bored. It would certainly explain why I've been the one who was dumped most of the time. Well, as Radiohead said in Nottingham in 2004, "not no more". It's time I stood up for myself. I deserve better. A friend (the one who confirmed she was pregnant, because he works in the local pub and therefore hears everything) asked "aren't you at least happy for her?" No. No, I'm not. 1
Exitleft Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 You do sound really nice Kirk I would advise you not to lose that caring streak and ability to be vulnerable because it is what will bring the right woman around I think. It's a great quality, not a flaw. I think you just have to be a bit more selective with some practice with who you share that part of yourself with. Easier said than done of course but don't downplay something that sets you apart from the others. And there is nothing wrong for being not being happy about her news. I probably wouldn't be either. Anger is a step in the process of moving on so let yourself feel it for as long as you need to. 1
AlexDP Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Thanks Exitleft, I appreciate it. I think my problem is that I'm just too nice, too accommodating, and end up being walked all over. Women seem to be attracted to my niceness, but then get bored. It would certainly explain why I've been the one who was dumped most of the time. Well, as Radiohead said in Nottingham in 2004, "not no more". It's time I stood up for myself. I deserve better. A friend (the one who confirmed she was pregnant, because he works in the local pub and therefore hears everything) asked "aren't you at least happy for her?" No. No, I'm not. You're not happy for her? How come? I thought you'd go to her babyshower. After all, dinner with her and her man seemed like a good idea to you.
robaday Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Problem is here mate, your taking this personally when it isnt about you at all. I know its hard not to, its really tough, but you have no control over other peoples actions at all, you can only really have control over yourself. And in that respect, your are not in this situation....you are out of the picture, and as such, while its hard not to, you shouldnt take this personally - it isnt humiliation at all unless you choose to consider it as such And regarding being too nice, accomodating etc......this is linked to the same thing - people over-compensate - and sometimes its form of control - not saying not to be nice, just bear it in mind with expectations from other people.
Author Kirkliston Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 You're not happy for her? How come? I thought you'd go to her babyshower. After all, dinner with her and her man seemed like a good idea to you. That meal was a long time ago, at least a year, I'd say. On reflection, my and this woman's past relationship has always been the elephant in the room whenever I've met her/them. Probably why our friendship was a bit superficial.
Author Kirkliston Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Problem is here mate, your taking this personally when it isnt about you at all. I know its hard not to, its really tough, but you have no control over other peoples actions at all, you can only really have control over yourself. And in that respect, your are not in this situation....you are out of the picture, and as such, while its hard not to, you shouldnt take this personally - it isnt humiliation at all unless you choose to consider it as such And regarding being too nice, accomodating etc......this is linked to the same thing - people over-compensate - and sometimes its form of control - not saying not to be nice, just bear it in mind with expectations from other people. I probably am taking it personally, although I'd prefer to think of it as feeling it personally. I certainly don't look at it as if they've done it to slight me; I don't enter into it! I can be too open with people, mainly because I was brought up to think of honesty as the best policy.
robaday Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 This could be a blessing in disguise - its closure - its over now for good and no doubts can remain over the future of you two. Hard I know, but with finality comes the first steps to a new life for you - seriously if my ex hadnt cut all ties with me, and then began harrassing me 5 months later........I would actually still care about her - knowing it was fully over was what got me through, and in a way, as hard as it is to hear, it will help you too, you can leave this in the past now and find your own way and happiness;) 1
eleve82 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My heart goes out to you, it cannot be easy. To be perfectly frank, it would be near impossible not to take it personally, but time can heal all wounds. I'd venture to say that you've tried to be gracious about the whole affair by having dinner with them. My only experience with anything similar (and its by no means anywhere as serious, simply a first crush) was when someone I fancied fell for a girl I knew. Although I was deeply upset, I also found myself liking this girl a lot for who she was and eventually, I saw how good a fit they were with other and was okay with it. 10 over years later, they are now married and i still enjoy hanging out with them. It helped that I like them both a lot, individually. I don't know if it is possible (without knowing how her current partner is like) and am not suggesting that you need to do the same thing but it is definitely possible to get over Such situations. Just give it time and have an open heart.
lavenderlove Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I feel with you. Because I am pessimistic, and I think my ex is going to get married soon. I think it is part of human behaviour that she changed her mind. A similar thing has happened to me. My exboyfriend used to be with a girl who really wanted him to become a supportive male with enough money. He decided to enrol into artschool at the age of 35, and work cleaning toilets. When they were over, and he started a relationship with me, I had no such expectations I was too young and rich at the time to think about such boring subjects as earning a living. And he just switched and became a well established person on his own accord. I didn't ask for it, but he knew that it would become a problem. Now his next lady will probably get all the good staff. So maybe you did influence her decision greatly, but you are not the one to reap the benefits. And it could be an accident too.
Author Kirkliston Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 This could be a blessing in disguise - its closure - its over now for good and no doubts can remain over the future of you two. It may well be. Hitherto I've felt no particular need to put her out of my life as her relationship with this man didn't really bother me, and in any case I've had two girlfriends since. But now I don't want to see her at all; this news has put me back to square one. It feels sad calling time on an eight-year association, but I don't think I can be friends with her anymore. I just don't want to see her walking round with a child when she didn't want one with me. (I suspect that unless she moves away, completely avoiding her might prove impossible, but I intend to at least try to avoid her, even if that means missing out (such as not going to parties where she might be).
Sugarkane Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 This must be really difficult for you, I would'nt have even maintained a superficial relationship. I'm betting it's completely unplanned because why else would a woman go through this, if she didn't want too? From my own recent experience, I found it much more difficult than I thought to make a decision. She could've of also maybe found out too late herself. You only get weeks to decide to terminate. You must be a strong person because I would be falling apart. I would've been so tempted to ask her what made her changed her mind.
Author Kirkliston Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 I suppose I thought there was no harm in maintaining some kind of relationship, especially as we live in the same village and have a lot of mutual friends, but as far as I'm concerned that's it now, no more. Some people have asked me why I'm "punishing" her when she's "done nothing wrong". This isn't about punishment, it's about self-preservation. I know she's done nothing wrong, but this isn't about rights and wrongs and woulds and shoulds - for whatever reason, I just find her pregnancy upsetting, and don't want to see it, or her. The less I know, the better. I don't even want to know its sex, or its name, although I expect I'll find out anyway. It's not easy for me to end an eight-year association, especially when it included a four-and-a-half year relationship, but it's better than the alternative. Thankfully, she'd never have a termination - she could never live with herself. Now I know how Snape must've felt...
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