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Love, but not ''in love''. What does it mean?

purplemania

By purplemania
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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The "ILYBINILWY" speech is classic and textbook for a cheater. Dude, there's another guy in the picture. She was cheating on you.

 

If she actually said, "It's unfair for you that I'm unsure". Well, that's another classic way of saying, "I'm confused" which is also typical of a cheater. That means she's confused about her feelings about you AND this other dude. But, she can't be THAT confused because your the one getting the boot and not the other guy.

 

If you do find out that she was cheating, prepare yourself for "He isn't the reason why we're breaking up."

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CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

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Actually you are dead on Chi TownD. My ex-wife went off and banged a guy she met online a week before the ILYBINILWY speech. She ALSO said, once found out, that "He isn't the reason why we're breaking up"..

 

Cookie cutters! Ha!

 

:D

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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The last ex that said that to me came back to me after six months and told me "I thought I could find a girl like you easily, now I know I was wrong" when someone says they might regret it and does it anyway, they usually feel it a lot worse if it does happen. The most recent one who says he "might regret it" is still not letting go.

 

So frankly, no matter what someone tells you at the point of breaking up with you is irrelevant. Oftentimes, it takes time and distance for clarity to set in. As a famous poet once said.. "Truth is the daughter of time"

 

Love the quotation!

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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Yeah, my ex told me "I really like you, but I don't feel the same way anymore". That came two days after telling me how much she loved me, mind you. Classic.

"You did nothing wrong, really, I just don't feel the same way anymore and I can't string you along".

 

The worst was "it was a very nice relationship overall". REALLY? Maybe she should get back with her cheating ex to recognize when someone give her everything he's got.

 

Ugh no point getting all worked up though. She handled it poorly but I guess it was the best she knew how...I just wish she'd tell me the truth.

 

Indecisive exes are masters of taking things for granted it seems :/ It was the same thing with my current ex. He got cheated on by his first love, who was entitled and selfish to top things off, but when I finally start to treat him like a decent human being, he bails.

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na49 Established Member

na49

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"I'm not good enough for you anyway" (translation: you're not good enough for me anyway)

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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The "ILYBINILWY" speech is classic and textbook for a cheater. Dude, there's another guy in the picture. She was cheating on you.

 

If she actually said, "It's unfair for you that I'm unsure". Well, that's another classic way of saying, "I'm confused" which is also typical of a cheater. That means she's confused about her feelings about you AND this other dude. But, she can't be THAT confused because your the one getting the boot and not the other guy.

 

If you do find out that she was cheating, prepare yourself for "He isn't the reason why we're breaking up."

 

Lol I'm a girl but I get your point. It pisses me off too because he said he had those doubts for like two weeks, and then he just gave up and thought ''we were better off as friends''? Wow, thank you for the commitment, hun.

EmptyWalls Member

EmptyWalls

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Did she ever contact you after that?

Yep and still does. I have my thoughts on why, to see if I have moved on and what im doing. Some of it was attachments such as belongings, legal attachments we had, etc. Some of it was when she had problems she ran to me. It's what she had done for 7 years. I think deep down she truly regrets what she's done (it wasn't all her idea). But it's not enough to make her come back yet. She's still in the honeymoon stage of this new relationship.

 

When that ends.... I don't know I kind of feel sorry for her. I know that no one will go out of their way and love her as much as I did. I just don't get how one day you can say "you're the best guy I've ever met, I love you so much cant wait to spend the rest of our lives together. You are good to me unlike other guys I've been with" to not really giving a care about you at all. Its really painful looking at a ring you had bought and canceling the plans you arranged on valentines day to ask her to spend eternity together.

 

Theres still hope in my heart and I know that causes me more pain than I need. But again that's just me. I'm moving on still but we never know what the future holds. Like someone told me "keep putting good out there and good will come back to you". Live and enjoy we don't know how long we are here for....

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Lol I'm a girl but I get your point. It pisses me off too because he said he had those doubts for like two weeks, and then he just gave up and thought ''we were better off as friends''? Wow, thank you for the commitment, hun.

 

 

OH DAMN!!...uh....OPPS! I'm sooo sorry. :o

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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OH DAMN!!...uh....OPPS! I'm sooo sorry. :o

 

It's quite alright lol :p If your hypothesis is correct, do you suppose he's trying to keep me on the side in case things don't work out with this other chick by stringing me along?

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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Yep and still does. I have my thoughts on why, to see if I have moved on and what im doing. Some of it was attachments such as belongings, legal attachments we had, etc. Some of it was when she had problems she ran to me. It's what she had done for 7 years. I think deep down she truly regrets what she's done (it wasn't all her idea). But it's not enough to make her come back yet. She's still in the honeymoon stage of this new relationship.

 

When that ends.... I don't know I kind of feel sorry for her. I know that no one will go out of their way and love her as much as I did. I just don't get how one day you can say "you're the best guy I've ever met, I love you so much cant wait to spend the rest of our lives together. You are good to me unlike other guys I've been with" to not really giving a care about you at all. Its really painful looking at a ring you had bought and canceling the plans you arranged on valentines day to ask her to spend eternity together.

 

Theres still hope in my heart and I know that causes me more pain than I need. But again that's just me. I'm moving on still but we never know what the future holds. Like someone told me "keep putting good out there and good will come back to you". Live and enjoy we don't know how long we are here for....

 

I'm sorry to hear you were so close to being engaged... Yeah, I understand why you would still have hope after all this time, even though I wish you well and to move on. :/

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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It's quite alright lol :p If your hypothesis is correct, do you suppose he's trying to keep me on the side in case things don't work out with this other chick by stringing me along?

 

Hard to say. I mean, he saying all the textbook phrases that cheaters say. But, you really don't have concrete proof. However, when they say those phrases, I would say about 9/10 are cheating.

 

Will he string you along? Time will tell on that one. And your dedication to NC will tell as well. If he's going to string you along, he's going to first notice that you're gone because you've blocked him on Facebook and not following him on twitter and all that social media crap. So, sooner or later he's going to reach out to you to see what you're up to. Send you a simple text like, "Hey, how are you?" or "I heard a song and it reminded me of you." or "I miss you" or just a simple "Hi!" Basically, he's pulling on the leash to see if the dog is still there. Ignore it all!!!! Those are breadcrumbs and not worth your time.

 

Remember, he made the decision to have you out of his life. So, you give him exactly what he's asking for. He wanted you gone, so he has no business contacting you in the first place.

 

Time to heal and move on.

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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Hard to say. I mean, he saying all the textbook phrases that cheaters say. But, you really don't have concrete proof. However, when they say those phrases, I would say about 9/10 are cheating.

 

Will he string you along? Time will tell on that one. And your dedication to NC will tell as well. If he's going to string you along, he's going to first notice that you're gone because you've blocked him on Facebook and not following him on twitter and all that social media crap. So, sooner or later he's going to reach out to you to see what you're up to. Send you a simple text like, "Hey, how are you?" or "I heard a song and it reminded me of you." or "I miss you" or just a simple "Hi!" Basically, he's pulling on the leash to see if the dog is still there. Ignore it all!!!! Those are breadcrumbs and not worth your time.

 

Remember, he made the decision to have you out of his life. So, you give him exactly what he's asking for. He wanted you gone, so he has no business contacting you in the first place.

 

Time to heal and move on.

 

Thanks, that actually made me feel better. :) Yeah, I do realize that he doesn't deserve me anymore; it's just that it still hurts to be pushed aside like I don't matter to him anymore. I'm on day 12 of NC, doing better I think.

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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''I love you, I just don't know to what extent yet.''

 

''I really like you, but I don't feel that I love you honestly.''

 

and...break up.

 

Am I trying too hard to read between the lines here, or could/do these statements mean or imply anything else, even though he's the one who pushed the relationship, and said he wanted it to be serious, and chased after me in the first place?

 

"i love you, i just don't know to what extent yet" means "i kinda dig what we had, but now i want to go see and bang other people and you should do the same".

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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"i love you, i just don't know to what extent yet" means "i kinda dig what we had, but now i want to go see and bang other people and you should do the same".

 

Ugh, sounds plausible. It's like as soon as men feel like they've marked their territory and the chase is over, it gets boring for them. :(

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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Ugh, sounds plausible. It's like as soon as men feel like they've marked their territory and the chase is over, it gets boring for them. :(

 

not just plausible, just very realistic.

 

sometimes people just aren't going to stay together forever, and if he didn't feel the "click" then you're better off finding someone with whom you both share the "click".

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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And hey - people can totally adore you and LOVE what they have with you, without feeling the "click"

 

Don't feel bad. Seriously. There are very few people who your ex would love to spend the rest of his life with! He will still really love girls alone the way to finding the one he "feels it" with.

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flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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And hey - people can totally adore you and LOVE what they have with you, without feeling the "click"

 

Don't feel bad. Seriously. There are very few people who your ex would love to spend the rest of his life with! He will still really love girls alone the way to finding the one he "feels it" with.

 

yup. i've sadly, in the couple times i've dumped people, done so bc of the "click". doesn't make me love them less, just means i couldn't see myself with them. it doesn't mean you're a horrible person.

Jon Lock Member

Jon Lock

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"I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

 

To me, it's crap. Rubbish. Someone might as well say "I don't love you anymore"; there's more truth in that.

 

Being "in love" with someone is a process one goes through at the start of a relationship. You 'fall' "in love" with them. Everything is rosey and nothing can go wrong etc. Eventually this honeymoon period ends. Now, by implication, one can fall "out of love", as in the honeymoon period ends and reality settles in for the person. This transition has two consequences, one or the other:

 

a) The person has fallen out of love, and then says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

 

b) The person has fallen out of love, BUT the connection is there so that the couple remain together and work towards a more realistic and mature conception of 'Love'. This, for me, is when real love starts.

 

Lets go back to a): The person has fallen out of love, and then says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

 

Can you see the contradiction?

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"?

 

"...I'm not in love with you". Fair enough. But how can you "love" me? To clarify my point I believe that one can only truly love another person when they've gone past the stage I've outlined above - the stage of being 'in love'. This stage doesn't last. Hormones and chemicals in your brain subside, the euphoria dies, the bliss ends. So telling someone that you love then but aren't in love with them doesn't really make sense.

 

Of course semantics is very much at play here because a person may care very much about a person, and see this as 'love'. So them saying "I love you"; in their mind they're speaking the truth. The person not being "in love", as they say, is really just a simple way of saying that the connection just isn't there. I haven't really alluded to the whole 'connection' part but I do certainly believe that there is an element of either feeling it or not feeling it, despite what I have said about love in this post.

Edited by Jon Lock
CelticGibson Established Member

CelticGibson

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When they say they love you, it's much the same as they love their family or friends or pet. It's not romantic love by any means. It just means they care about you..

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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"I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

 

To me, it's crap. Rubbish. Someone might as well say "I don't love you anymore"; there's more truth in that.

 

Being "in love" with someone is a process one goes through at the start of a relationship. You 'fall' "in love" with them. Everything is rosey and nothing can go wrong etc. Eventually this honeymoon period ends. Now, by implication, one can fall "out of love", as in the honeymoon period ends and reality settles in for the person. This transition has two consequences, one or the other:

 

a) The person has fallen out of love, and then says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

 

b) The person has fallen out of love, BUT the connection is there so that the couple remain together and work towards a more realistic and mature conception of 'Love'. This, for me, is when real love starts.

 

Lets go back to a): The person has fallen out of love, and then says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

 

Can you see the contradiction?

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"?

 

"...I'm not in love with you". Fair enough. But how can you "love" me? To clarify my point I believe that one can only truly love another person when they've gone past the stage I've outlined above - the stage of being 'in love'. This stage doesn't last. Hormones and chemicals in your brain subside, the euphoria dies, the bliss ends. So telling someone that you love then but aren't in love with them doesn't really make sense.

 

Of course semantics is very much at play here because a person may care very much about a person, and see this as 'love'. So them saying "I love you"; in their mind they're speaking the truth. The person not being "in love", as they say, is really just a simple way of saying that the connection just isn't there. I haven't really alluded to the whole 'connection' part but I do certainly believe that there is an element of either feeling it or not feeling it, despite what I have said about love in this post.

 

i'm a little confused. if telling someone you love them but aren't in love with them doesn't make sense...do i have to be in love with my mother to just love her?

 

:confused:

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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yup. i've sadly, in the couple times i've dumped people, done so bc of the "click". doesn't make me love them less, just means i couldn't see myself with them. it doesn't mean you're a horrible person.

 

 

 

It sucks when the women is actually everything you want, too! It's like damn, I was really into her and she was HOT.

 

Better you break up with them in the early states rather than drag the relationship out, in the hope that the "super hot and awesome girl" ends uip being the love of your life!

 

....... My model friend who has a well respected college degree and is fun to be around has dudes that try to marry her and settle down with her, because they WANT her to be "it" for them cos she is so beautiful.

 

The thing is, they just go and cheat on her repeatedly, one of them even asked if they could partner swap with her best friend, cos her best friend was " tall and skinny like a real model":sick:

 

Ironically, my ex is wanting me back, and I am not that hot and I am difficult and flawed and NOT what he would want for himself, but the problem with us is, we DO feel the "click". Even though we do NOT want to:mad:

 

He tried to feel the click with much hotter and more normal girls than me LOL but no he had to feel it for me. And one other girl in his life, who lives half way across the world.

 

It is a shame you cannot control this "click" business!

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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It sucks when the women is actually everything you want, too! It's like damn, I was really into her and she was HOT.

 

Better you break up with them in the early states rather than drag the relationship out, in the hope that the "super hot and awesome girl" ends uip being the love of your life!

 

....... My model friend who has a well respected college degree and is fun to be around has dudes that try to marry her and settle down with her, because they WANT her to be "it" for them cos she is so beautiful.

 

The thing is, they just go and cheat on her repeatedly, one of them even asked if they could partner swap with her best friend, cos her best friend was " tall and skinny like a real model":sick:

 

Ironically, my ex is wanting me back, and I am not that hot and I am difficult and flawed and NOT what he would want for himself, but the problem with us is, we DO feel the "click". Even though we do NOT want to:mad:

 

He tried to feel the click with much hotter and more normal girls than me LOL but no he had to feel it for me. And one other girl in his life, who lives half way across the world.

 

It is a shame you cannot control this "click" business!

 

That's so interesting!! I didn't know guys could walk away from girls whom they really felt was "all that".

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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purplemania - it happens ALL the time. Guys walk away from totally beautiful women, because they are just not IN love with them..

 

The thing is, to fall IN love, all that is needed is an attraction that is enough to want to have sex with them. You do not need a model to fall IN Love with.

And you can have a super model and not fall IN love with her.

 

Sure, some people are not pretty enough. I get it. But they WOULD be pretty enough to a man that is IN love with her.

 

When people blame a lack of attraction for a failed relationship, they were not IN love, were they?

 

I believe that being IN love is all consuming to the point where looks do not hold you back, unless of course, one or both partners let themselves go and gain weight. In which case, being IN love would be enough to encourage each other to lose weight and be open and honest about it. You do not just

leave partners if you're IN love with them; you would want to wait time for them to lose weight.

 

I could be wrong, but I definitely know that, even from watching unrealistic movies you can clearly see my point: the hot, successful social butterfly of a women who is everything the dude wants, is not enough; the main character falls for the nerdy girl with no breasts who does not SEEM like his usual type.

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purplemania Member

purplemania

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purplemania - it happens ALL the time. Guys walk away from totally beautiful women, because they are just not IN love with them..

 

The thing is, to fall IN love, all that is needed is an attraction that is enough to want to have sex with them. You do not need a model to fall IN Love with.

And you can have a super model and not fall IN love with her.

 

Sure, some people are not pretty enough. I get it. But they WOULD be pretty enough to a man that is IN love with her.

 

When people blame a lack of attraction for a failed relationship, they were not IN love, were they?

 

I believe that being IN love is all consuming to the point where looks do not hold you back, unless of course, one or both partners let themselves go and gain weight. In which case, being IN love would be enough to encourage each other to lose weight and be open and honest about it. You do not just

leave partners if you're IN love with them; you would want to wait time for them to lose weight.

 

I could be wrong, but I definitely know that, even from watching unrealistic movies you can clearly see my point: the hot, successful social butterfly of a women who is everything the dude wants, is not enough; the main character falls for the nerdy girl with no breasts who does not SEEM like his usual type.

 

Can a guy start out IN love as you say since he was very much sexually enthusiastic about me in the beginning, and then fall out of love rather quickly?

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Can a guy start out IN love as you say since he was very much sexually enthusiastic about me in the beginning, and then fall out of love rather quickly?

 

 

 

You do not fall out of love quickly.

 

Although I have heard that people fall "out of love" all the time in long relationships. LONG relationships, where there is ample time TO fall "out of love".

 

I am not an expert or a psychic lol and actually am navigating my own ex badly.

 

I would say that your ex was never IN love with you in the deepest sense of the word, nor did he have it in him to fall IN love with you. It sounds like he was infatuated with you or had a strong lust for you.

 

I can't see how a man could walk away so quick and fall out of love in a matter of a month or less.

 

Do not beat yourself up about it though, there are seriously MILLIONS of beautiful women who cannot just get ALL men to fall IN love with them!

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