purplemania Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 ''I love you, I just don't know to what extent yet.'' ''I really like you, but I don't feel that I love you honestly.'' and...break up. Am I trying too hard to read between the lines here, or could/do these statements mean or imply anything else, even though he's the one who pushed the relationship, and said he wanted it to be serious, and chased after me in the first place?
Ordinaryday Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 "You're a nice person, a 'good friend', but I don't feel 'that way' about you, so I am going to try and let you down gently to make you feel better and to ease my conscience - oh, and don't be surprised if you never see me again" learn to read between the lines, it is a standard line from the Dumpers 101 handbook, along with "let's just be friends", "it's not you.... it's me" and the infamous "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now". 5
Author purplemania Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 "You're a nice person, a 'good friend', but I don't feel 'that way' about you, so I am going to try and let you down gently to make you feel better and to ease my conscience - oh, and don't be surprised if you never see me again" learn to read between the lines, it is a standard line from the Dumpers 101 handbook, along with "let's just be friends", "it's not you.... it's me" and the infamous "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now". Please educate me! He used all of those but the last one.
Ordinaryday Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Please educate me! He used all of those but the last one. Despite how we feel about them, most dumpers are actually human beings with thoughts and feelings and emotions, such as guilt, pity, etc. When they start going out with someone they might originally feel something towards them but for whatever reason, they decide later on that they don't want to pursue the relationship any further - maybe they met someone 'better', maybe they were just stringing you along, maybe you did something on one of the dates that is an instant dealbreaker for them, it could be ANYTHING. But for whatever reason they want to dump you but they don't want to feel too guilty or nasty or bad about it, so they try to let you down 'gently' with a whole bunch of clichés that they THINK will make you feel better (I love you.... but I'm not IN LOVE with you) because by doing this it will ease THEIR OWN CONSCIENCE. And then you never hear from them again. A girl dumped me in march last year and she told me on the day that she "really enjoyed" spending time with me and that she would like to continue to see me but "as just friends" and she told me that she would be in touch with me "real soon" to arrange the two of us going out again "as friends". I knew on the day she did not mean it, I knew she was just giving me a line to make herself feel better, but I said 'okay' anyway.... and no, I never heard another word from her again. 6
marqueemoon4 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Usually it's code for "I've met someone else". 8
Suave Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I honestly hate this line more than any of the other ones, particularly because I've heard it one too many times. 4
Author purplemania Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Despite how we feel about them, most dumpers are actually human beings with thoughts and feelings and emotions, such as guilt, pity, etc. When they start going out with someone they might originally feel something towards them but for whatever reason, they decide later on that they don't want to pursue the relationship any further - maybe they met someone 'better', maybe they were just stringing you along, maybe you did something on one of the dates that is an instant dealbreaker for them, it could be ANYTHING. But for whatever reason they want to dump you but they don't want to feel too guilty or nasty or bad about it, so they try to let you down 'gently' with a whole bunch of clichés that they THINK will make you feel better (I love you.... but I'm not IN LOVE with you) because by doing this it will ease THEIR OWN CONSCIENCE. And then you never hear from them again. A girl dumped me in march last year and she told me on the day that she "really enjoyed" spending time with me and that she would like to continue to see me but "as just friends" and she told me that she would be in touch with me "real soon" to arrange the two of us going out again "as friends". I knew on the day she did not mean it, I knew she was just giving me a line to make herself feel better, but I said 'okay' anyway.... and no, I never heard another word from her again. It's beyond frustrating when they offer friendship, but then you realize that you really don't mean anything to them now that you're not dating/relationship-material because they're not keeping in touch with you. It kind of feels like you're a used toy that's been left to the side. My ex was being so wishy-washy while breaking up. He said stuff like ''Who knows, I might regret it two months from now and realize it was stupid, but I don't want to lead you on and make you more attached while I've been doubting our relationship.'' What a guy. Really knows how to string someone along. Now I'm always wondering whether or not he really will regret it down the line. 2
Author purplemania Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I honestly hate this line more than any of the other ones, particularly because I've heard it one too many times. It's almost as though you would rather just hear: ''You're not attractive/smart/fun enough for me.'' It sucks being left with nothing.
Suave Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Staying friends after a breakup where one partner still clearly loves the other is like keeping a pet dog after it dies. 5
Author purplemania Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) Usually it's code for "I've met someone else". Could this be related to Grass is Greener Syndrome? Edited June 4, 2013 by purplemania
EmptyWalls Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Usually it's code for "I've met someone else". I agree with this! I too am a victim of the "I love you but im not in love with you" then they go on to do a lot of crap that doesn't make any sense at all. This and all the other lines is like everyone says "to ease their conscience". My ex told me when I asked her "What are you looking for?" Her: "I don't know". Month later, in a online relationship with someone whom she was talking to while we were together in which she hasn't met. But already talking of marriage and she's "in love" LOL. Lies Lies Lies! They are truly different people now. Oh well doesn't make us miss them any less. 2
Author purplemania Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I agree with this! I too am a victim of the "I love you but im not in love with you" then they go on to do a lot of crap that doesn't make any sense at all. This and all the other lines is like everyone says "to ease their conscience". My ex told me when I asked her "What are you looking for?" Her: "I don't know". Month later, in a online relationship with someone whom she was talking to while we were together in which she hasn't met. But already talking of marriage and she's "in love" LOL. Lies Lies Lies! They are truly different people now. Oh well doesn't make us miss them any less. Did she ever contact you after that?
Author purplemania Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Or it's just not fair to you. ''It's not fair to you that I'm unsure'' ugh. so sick from thinking about it. It was absolutely horrible. He convinced me that he was really serious about me and was in it for the long-run.
eleve82 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 The last ex that said that to me came back to me after six months and told me "I thought I could find a girl like you easily, now I know I was wrong" when someone says they might regret it and does it anyway, they usually feel it a lot worse if it does happen. The most recent one who says he "might regret it" is still not letting go. So frankly, no matter what someone tells you at the point of breaking up with you is irrelevant. Oftentimes, it takes time and distance for clarity to set in. As a famous poet once said.. "Truth is the daughter of time" 1
Giha Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Yeah, my ex told me "I really like you, but I don't feel the same way anymore". That came two days after telling me how much she loved me, mind you. Classic. "You did nothing wrong, really, I just don't feel the same way anymore and I can't string you along". The worst was "it was a very nice relationship overall". REALLY? Maybe she should get back with her cheating ex to recognize when someone give her everything he's got. Ugh no point getting all worked up though. She handled it poorly but I guess it was the best she knew how...I just wish she'd tell me the truth. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Guys... It is not about not being good enough. You either feel "it" with someone, or you don't. For example: a dude can have an image of what his dream girl is like. He can meet this girl, who is everything he wants on paper (ideal personality, looks and a good education and career). He will NOT just be able to fall IN love with just ANY women, no matter HOW much she fits his dream ideal of what he wants in a women. Seriously. Your exes could meet less attractive people, or people with seemingly less to offer than you. Your exes will fall IN love with other people, simply because they just "feel it" about them. You need to really listen to a guy when he says that he is not in love with you. They mean it. Stop saying you're not good enough; the right guy will adore and cherish you for who you are and the way you look will satisfy him enough to want to stay with you and enjoy you in a committed relationship. Not all men will be able to fall IN love with you. And the excuses that are being mentioned on here are exactly what men who are not IN love say. In rare cases people seriously don't want a relationship; personally, I am really shaken and upset about my recent break up, and I do not feel comfortable or safe to get into a new relationship. I mean, if I met the man of my dreams and we fell madly in love through just being friends, I would think about it; yet it would have to tell them about my mental state and make sure they would be responsible and agree to take things slow with me. See? Even us folks who DO NOT want a relationship anytime soon, would consider it if we happened to bump into a person where we both mutually fell hard. 2
Leigh 87 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 The last ex that said that to me came back to me after six months and told me "I thought I could find a girl like you easily, now I know I was wrong" when someone says they might regret it and does it anyway, they usually feel it a lot worse if it does happen. The most recent one who says he "might regret it" is still not letting go. So frankly, no matter what someone tells you at the point of breaking up with you is irrelevant. Oftentimes, it takes time and distance for clarity to set in. As a famous poet once said.. "Truth is the daughter of time" I would be offended if my a guy thought he could EASILY meet a girl like me and feel the same kind of love again, easily. If they came back thinking that I could be "easily" replaced, it would scream to me that they ONLY came back because they could not do any better. I hate to be negative, the dude obviously liked you a lot I am not denying that (he did come back, after all!) Just wow. I mean, I want to be a really unique individual that stands OUT from other girls he meets, lol! I would hate to be some girl that our exes thought they could easily find....I would not have felt that I was ever that special to him to begin with, if he came back to me with those statements! My ex won't come back but he sure made it clear every day we were together that he has never met anyone like me (I am weird, quirky and silly), and it would be hard to just meet someone who stands out as much. I would rather my ex never comes back and for me to have seriously stood out for him, than for him to come back thinking that I was not all that remarkable to him and he could easily find others out there like me! I would tell him to sod off, even though I do want him back at this stage! I would never settle for a guy who thought that about me lol.
LostOne1 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Guys... It is not about not being good enough. You either feel "it" with someone, or you don't. For example: a dude can have an image of what his dream girl is like. He can meet this girl, who is everything he wants on paper (ideal personality, looks and a good education and career). He will NOT just be able to fall IN love with just ANY women, no matter HOW much she fits his dream ideal of what he wants in a women. Seriously. Your exes could meet less attractive people, or people with seemingly less to offer than you. Your exes will fall IN love with other people, simply because they just "feel it" about them. You need to really listen to a guy when he says that he is not in love with you. They mean it. Stop saying you're not good enough; the right guy will adore and cherish you for who you are and the way you look will satisfy him enough to want to stay with you and enjoy you in a committed relationship. Not all men will be able to fall IN love with you. And the excuses that are being mentioned on here are exactly what men who are not IN love say. In rare cases people seriously don't want a relationship; personally, I am really shaken and upset about my recent break up, and I do not feel comfortable or safe to get into a new relationship. I mean, if I met the man of my dreams and we fell madly in love through just being friends, I would think about it; yet it would have to tell them about my mental state and make sure they would be responsible and agree to take things slow with me. See? Even us folks who DO NOT want a relationship anytime soon, would consider it if we happened to bump into a person where we both mutually fell hard. I agree with you all the way, My ex downgraded and left me for a guy, who really was not even close to me in any aspect. He just immigrated to our country, he has no education and a ****ty job. And for awhile I thought what is wrong with me? I then realized it wasn't anything to DO with me. It was ALL about HOW SHE FELT!. And the fact was her being away from me for 2 months just killed the attraction and she needed something physical. He was physically there living next door, so she spent time with him and LIKED him. I guess the truth is we can't force who we like and sometimes it just happens. I don't hate her for what she did even though she did cheat on me. But the fact is she kinda saved me too. Now I can find someone else out there, who will LIKE me too and develop feelings for me too. So far I have met a few people and I have liked some of them. It's all about knowing people CAN fall out of love. It's sad, but it's NOTHING to do with us. We are some amazing people, not perfect, but we are WORTH something. So respect yourself and grow better as a person. I've made many POSITIVE changes with myself and I'm loving it
LostOne1 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I would be offended if my a guy thought he could EASILY meet a girl like me and feel the same kind of love again, easily. If they came back thinking that I could be "easily" replaced, it would scream to me that they ONLY came back because they could not do any better. I hate to be negative, the dude obviously liked you a lot I am not denying that (he did come back, after all!) Just wow. I mean, I want to be a really unique individual that stands OUT from other girls he meets, lol! I would hate to be some girl that our exes thought they could easily find....I would not have felt that I was ever that special to him to begin with, if he came back to me with those statements! My ex won't come back but he sure made it clear every day we were together that he has never met anyone like me (I am weird, quirky and silly), and it would be hard to just meet someone who stands out as much. I would rather my ex never comes back and for me to have seriously stood out for him, than for him to come back thinking that I was not all that remarkable to him and he could easily find others out there like me! I would tell him to sod off, even though I do want him back at this stage! I would never settle for a guy who thought that about me lol. And another guy will also make you feel that way. But hopefully this guy won't be the type to throw you away. Trust me some guy out there will see your REAL value and appreciate you and what both of you will have. You just need a mature and nice guy
Leigh 87 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 And another guy will also make you feel that way. But hopefully this guy won't be the type to throw you away. Trust me some guy out there will see your REAL value and appreciate you and what both of you will have. You just need a mature and nice guy Thanks:) It is hard when you give all your love to a person, and they don't want is anymore. I don't feel like it was... because one thing about me wasn't 'good enough'. It's just the whole package did not get strong enough feelings from him, to want to stay in a relationship with me. A prettier .. OR less attractive women couldebecome the love of his life. Looks and ' things' about you are not enough to make a guy fall in love with me. I know I could be less attractive and.... have less in common with my next love, than his ex. I will just have ' something' about me that results in him falling in love; where as his prettier and better educated ex may not have triggered him to fall in love. Love is a funny thing. I am very sad my relationship failed. Oh well. Better luck next time!
Ordinaryday Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Guys... It is not about not being good enough. You either feel "it" with someone, or you don't. For example: a dude can have an image of what his dream girl is like. He can meet this girl, who is everything he wants on paper (ideal personality, looks and a good education and career). He will NOT just be able to fall IN love with just ANY women, no matter HOW much she fits his dream ideal of what he wants in a women. Seriously. Your exes could meet less attractive people, or people with seemingly less to offer than you. Your exes will fall IN love with other people, simply because they just "feel it" about them. You need to really listen to a guy when he says that he is not in love with you. They mean it. Stop saying you're not good enough; the right guy will adore and cherish you for who you are and the way you look will satisfy him enough to want to stay with you and enjoy you in a committed relationship. Not all men will be able to fall IN love with you. And the excuses that are being mentioned on here are exactly what men who are not IN love say. In rare cases people seriously don't want a relationship; personally, I am really shaken and upset about my recent break up, and I do not feel comfortable or safe to get into a new relationship. I mean, if I met the man of my dreams and we fell madly in love through just being friends, I would think about it; yet it would have to tell them about my mental state and make sure they would be responsible and agree to take things slow with me. See? Even us folks who DO NOT want a relationship anytime soon, would consider it if we happened to bump into a person where we both mutually fell hard. Maybe you're quite young but you get to a certain point where you realise thst if you keep holding out for the 'perfect' partner then you're going to be lonely forever. Eventualy you reach the point where you settle for 'good enough'. It's sad, but true
CelticGibson Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I got the famous "I love you but..." line from my ex-wife. Go figure. I wonder does Amazon have a secret special section for dumpers because it sure looks like it! Hahahaha! 1
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