How do you get over trust issues?

[BrokenHeartedInNY]

I can’t believe I’ve found myself back on this board (certainly, no offence!)… about three years ago when my five year relationship ended I asked God to either let me be single the rest of my life or let me find the man I’m suppose to spend forever with. I couldn’t handle any more heartbreak…

 

About a year after my heartbreaking relationship ended I met a wonderful man that made me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Since day one we just clicked… It was just absolutely right. For the first time in my entire life I got butterflies in my stomach and my legs would get weak… it was a feeling I had never felt before!... I thanked God for finally getting it right!

 

Over two years he grew to not only be the love of my life but my very best friend… he has taught me everything I know about love and loyalty and out of the 27 years I’ve walked this earth he’s been the first one to ever carry my trust.

 

Our relationship is like every other relationship… it’s not perfect but through any disagreement or argument I always knew there wouldn’t ever be anyone else I would rather argue with… and certainly nothing that hasn’t ever been fixed or made us stronger.

 

In December, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him… Us, and our families could not have been happier. It was hands down the best day of my life. I have struggled with commitment issues my entire life and it was the easiest “yes” I’ve ever uttered.

 

In April we put all of our deposits down for our wedding and since, everything has seemed to go downhill… at the end of April we got into a huge argument because he went behind my back and told my mom some personal things. While it was a struggle… we both agreed we needed to build ourselves back up and move on… Things were actually going good.. I was giving it my 110%... two weeks later I find THREE raunchy, perverted messages to girls on Facebook… to the jingle of “Why haven’t you responded to my texts sexy ass?”, “You can’t swing for the other team, you just need a nice single guy like myself” and “Why don’t I come over and show you a good time tonight?” His response: “It was a huge mistake, I was completely out of line, I’ll never do it again… blah blah blah”. This caught me so off guard and for the first time in two years I felt completely alone.

 

His mother, whom I am very close with bothered me even more by saying “Sweetheart, in collections that’s how they talk to each other… he would never cheat”. So that makes it okay? In turn, not only has my relationship with my fiancé gone down the tubes, I’ve also lost respect for my future mother in law.

 

I am completely heartbroken. It’s hard for me to even look at him. I constantly wonder who he is talking to, who he is texting, where he is and what he is doing. I feel like trust is what made us so strong and so stable and it’s been completely broken. I question everything he’s ever told me… I question his values, his priorities, I even questions how I can start my life with someone I don’t trust. I can barely look at another guy, let a lone say those things.

 

For the past two weeks we’ve been in complete limbo. We can’t stop arguing and all I get from him are long texts professing his love and how he is going to change. I’ve held on hoping he will give me a reason to stay in this relationship and to put ACTION into play instead of just pretty WORDS. The worst and most heartbreaking part of all of this is that he hasn’t done one thing to PROVE what he says. Not once has he made an effort to see me (If I don’t make the effort we don’t see each other), He didn’t deactivate his facebook after everything this has caused, he has not tried to do anything nice and I’m completely and utterly heartbroken because I know the feeling of being at the end of a relationship and knowing it’s ending but two people just keep hanging on because of the fear of cutting ties… and this feels all too familiar. I am in a place where getting married and starting a family is my top priority.

 

I don’t want things to be over. I just honestly don’t know how to move on from this… I feel like nothing will ever be the same again… I feel like if I felt he was putting in SOME KIND of effort it would make things easier… but he hasn’t. He complains that I’m not “LETTING HIM show me”…and “all you do is argue with me, you won’t move on”… Am I wrong for feeling this way? How does someone move on? Is it easier to walk away than hurt myself even more trying to fix this? I don’t even know HOW you fix trust…

 

Thanks for listening to my rant ☹

[bluegreen]

It was not exactly a cheating but very easily could have led to it or would have and there is phone e mails other accounts on dating sites maybe.

Yes he should have fallen on his knees begged and crawled to fix this if he is not then there is your answer he did not even deactivated his Facebook although that does not have to mean thing either.

 

One thing is he is capable of stepping on you another you will never be able to trust him same way it will eat you alive even if it was him being a hole just that nothing more you will always wonder.

 

 

Its character flaw it will not change just like drinking gambling or drug using he will literally have to work on this on daily basis not to get tempted for rest of his life.

 

 

Are you ready to live yours wondering is today gonna be it ?

[Exitleft]

This is tough, I relate to you on the trust issues.

 

I personally have found in my own relationship that once the trust was broken it pretty much broke us. I also got the, let me show you and all the nice words but then not long after had a similar experience which really cut and changed things.

 

We never recovered from it.

 

I would say to you, he has shown you what he is capable of and I know we so often ask for advice on our love lives and don't really want it or take it. (I do it)

 

But my honest advice is that if you plan on marrying a man who has been caught red handed disrespecting you behind your back just think about what if you hadn't found out.

 

I am sorry, I know that seems harsh and you feel like this is your only chance. I am the same age as you, also had a bad 5 year thing then met the love of my life only to be hurt more than anyone has ever hurt me and have my trust and love taken for granted.

 

You're in a bad position when you love that person more than anything because walking away doesn't seem like a real option. But I would think very deeply about this before marrying this man if I were you.

 

His mother will make excuses for him and you will be miserable and devastated if you saw this coming all along.

 

I hope you come to a decision that suits you best. We are in a similar boat. I hope everything works out for the best.

[Pisces13]

Not trying to justify his actions, but maybe he is having doubts about the wedding? He could perceive this as his way "out", acting out in that way.

 

Personally I would try and talk to him about it further, there could be a lot more going on in his head than you realize.

[KatZee]

There is absolutely no justification for what he was writing on Facebook. And he's going around telling other women he's single. That is NOT OK. And of COURSE his mother defended him. Did you expect anything otherwise? That is her baby boy. Her son. She will defend his honor up and down even if what he did was disgusting. He's her blood.

 

Don't look to her for comfort or good advice. She knows you're a great woman and a great catch and she probably wants her son with someone like you, but YOU need to look out for yourself and ask yourself if this guy is right for YOU.

 

At the very least, the wedding should be stopped at this point, try to get any deposits back, and put everything on hiatus. You absolutely should not be continuing to plan a wedding when things are so unstable.

 

He's talking big game but there are no actions from his end. You guys have been together 2 years and if you can't get through this, or if he's out philandering on the internet after some fighting, do you HONESTLY think you two are marriage material?

 

You're getting a first hand account as to what's going to happen when things get rocky. Pay attention. Marriage is intended for a lifetime. Don't stick with him because you think you're old and you won't find someone else to settle down with and marry. My ex and I broke up when I was 27 as well. I'm here, going on 29 and I'm just getting back out there into the dating scene. I'm now looking towards guys who are in their 30s. A bit more mature and stable in regards to life.

 

You need to ask yourself hard questions. Are you able to forgive this transgression? Are you able to eventually get over it and build the trust again? Or are you always going to be doubting things in the back of your mind?

 

My ex cheated on me. I wound up giving him a second chance. It was honestly the worst decision I ever made. Like your guy, he talked big game but did absolutely NOTHING to show me anything. He continued acting exactly the same, would get angry when I was having a sad day, wouldn't talk about anything. Just basically wanted to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. That didn't work for me, so I never really was able to forgive him for cheating.

 

I never was able to let it go, I was always trying to sneak glances at his phone to see who he was talking to, I would check what he was browsing online. One day I actually noticed he cleared his entire recent history. The relationship was garbage from the day he told me he cheated, to the day we ended.

 

If you're the kind of person to always be doubting, then don't stay with him. It's really not worth it at all.

[ThorntonMelon]

Walk. Make the gutsiest, strongest decision of your life, and make sure the man you marry would literally run in front of traffic to protect you and would be ill at the thought of hurting you.

[Exitleft]

Walk. Make the gutsiest, strongest decision of your life, and make sure the man you marry would literally run in front of traffic to protect you and would be ill at the thought of hurting you.

 

This is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever seen in my life.

[nugget_718]

Are you ready to live yours wondering is today gonna be it ?

 

I agree to everyone's response. You can have 1 million advice though, but at the end of the day it's still your decision. Ask yourself the question I quoted above.