Having a Down Day

[Clemenza]

My MW and I started very LC 2 weeks ago. We also work in the same office. Last week, I was fine with hearing her voice and seeing her walk by my door every now and then. I was in a decent mental place, and was real pragmatic about our situation. Today, I heard her voice and I got chills. After hearing her converse with other co-workers throughout the day, I couldn't take it anymore and left. Good thing my job is fairly flexible and I can work from home.

 

I just really miss her a lot today. I think I was jealous that everyone else gets to talk to her and laugh with her, except for me. And she and I are closer than anybody in that office. It's like I'm trying to mourn the loss of someone who is still there. We both know we have this incredible connection, but have to pretend like we barely know each other. It hurts.

 

I have been making strides over the past week or so, but this was definitely a down day. I hope someone can tell me that this is normal and gets better, and that the down days become less frequent.

[AussieLady]

Clemenza,

 

I can't tell you if it is normal, gets better or if the down days get less frequent; but I can tell you that I admire the way you are handling your situation; and I wish my OM was as considerate of my decision as you are of your MW.

 

I think you need to allow yourself to have the good and bad days, and hopefully the good will outweigh the bad soon.

 

Can you take some time off work to go and do something you would never normally do?

 

Sorry not really any constructive advice - to be honest I think I take more away from your posts than I could even give to you.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Goodbye]

It is certainly normal to have down days. I'm having one myself. I do know it will get better. It must be very difficult to work with her. You are wise to give yourself some mental space at home.

[Clemenza]

Aussie, thank you for the response. I have enjoyed getting your perspective as MW with an OM.

 

In my mind, I have no choice but to be considerate of her decision. I love her and care about her so much. I've never felt this way about anybody. But part of that love is respecting her space and respecting the process. That's why I've been very conscious of not being in her face at work. The one time we did have prolonged contact, on Friday, it was initiated by her. I had a bad moment that day, too, and went to sit outside instead of acting weird in front of our office mates. She just happened to be out there, see me, and sit down to talk to me. Today, instead of letting her see me anxious, I just left the office. I don't want to throw it in her face that I'm anxious. That's a "look at me!" tactic, and I have more respect for her than that.

 

Sometimes I wish that she and I had some big fight that prompted LC/NC. It wasn't that way, though. It's really been nothing but calmness and care throughout this whole ordeal. Cooler heads have always prevailed. I think she needs to look at her marriage without me in the picture, and I need to be ok with whatever outcome there is.

 

It's obviously difficult, but I'm really trying to respect her, respect the process, and respect myself. I think, after 15 months of being in an A and really getting to know each other, we owe it to each other to conduct ourselves with class and respect.

 

Phew.

[Clemenza]

Thank you, too, Goodbye. I've enjoyed your posts and support. Like I said in the above post, I'd rather just leave the office if I'm anxious and am about to have a panic attack than be an attention seeker and rub it in her face. I don't want her to feel like she needs to shoulder the responsibility of my anxiety because, really, it's not her who is doing that to me. It's my ego and thoughts.

[tryingto]

Yes, some days are harder than others. To be honest I can't imagine how much harder it would be working with the exAP. You have to allow yourself some "bad" days and accept the frequency of those days will lessen over time.

I am about six months out of the ending of my relationship with exMM and it does get better as your heart heals. My only advice is to remain strong and dedicated to your decision, even when it's hard. Keep your focus on moving forward.

 

I am sorry today was a rough day. Good luck with your continued healing.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I know how you feel, kinda. I work with my (almost x)MM and we almost had a Dday over a year ago, but there were rumors and all this- so we went from two people who always talked and laughed together at work, to having to be like strangers and barely even said hello.

And the worst part is sometimes I just want to be able to walk up to him and talk. To just be normal. Like before. I hate that other people can just talk and laugh with him and it's okay, but not me.

We've talked more the last few months though, even last week he was like "i loved talking to you.. all out in the open"

 

and in hindsight-- that's so ridiculous!! that's our highlight of the day? we got to talk in the open and have it be okay?

 

So, I know it's tough- but it's for the best. Out of sight- out of mind really helps when I am at work. I change up my patterns as much as possible. Distract yourself. Listen to music- whatever it takes.

[bellasue]

The really bad days seemed to have lessened in my opinion. However, I am in complete NC and have only seen him driving in his car twice in nearly 7 weeks. It would be WAY harder if I saw him all the time.

 

Your personal resolve seems strong though. And your attitude seems positive.

[zevahc]

Clemenza...very very normal...I still have these days often. I was in NC..but now in LC... but some days i'm great..other days i'm very depressed...the A is over though...no longer really much of even an EA and definitely hasn't been a PA in a few months now...but still have good and bad days.

[Clemenza]

Thanks, everyone. I think I feel some anger creeping in now. Not necessarily toward her. Just general anger.

 

There was a specific trigger to get me down on Friday. I happened to walk past her office, and I saw that she put a couple of pictures of her H back on her desk. I felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach. Keep in mind that she and I last had sex 3 weeks ago. AFTER she and her H had started marriage counseling, which she said she's trying because of her daughter. I don't know why she felt the urge to put pictures of him back on her desk. How I took in in my head was "I love my husband and you were a mistake, so f**k off." Maybe she thinks she has to go through those motions if she's going to make an honest effort with MC and reconciliation. I don't know. It's none of my business, but it still sucked. Even before I saw the pictures, I was taking steps to move forward like it was totally over between us. So I'm somewhat surprised that I took it so hard, though maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

 

I just feel so used, and like I lost my best friend and ally. For a long time, we had this thing that only we knew about and it was very special to us. Now I feel tossed out like a piece of trash, and think that maybe the most special connection I've ever had just amounted rough patch in someone's M. Not only do I get tossed out like nothing, I get a front-row seat for the reconciliation. Ugh.

Edited June 4, 2013 by Clemenza

[zevahc]

Thanks, everyone. I think I feel some anger creeping in now. Not necessarily toward her. Just general anger.

 

There was a specific trigger to get me down on Friday. I happened to walk past her office, and I saw that she put a couple of pictures of her H back on her desk. I felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach. Keep in mind that she and I last had sex 3 weeks ago. AFTER she and her H had started marriage counseling, which she said she's trying because of her daughter. I don't know why she felt the urge to put pictures of him back on her desk. How I took in in my head was "I love my husband and you were a mistake, so f**k off." Maybe she thinks she has to go through those motions if she's going to make an honest effort with MC and reconciliation. I don't know. It's none of my business, but it still sucked. Even before I saw the pictures, I was taking steps to move forward like it was totally over between us. So I'm somewhat surprised that I took it so hard, though maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

 

I just feel so used, and like I lost my best friend and ally. For a long time, we had this thing that only we knew about and it was very special to us. Now I feel tossed out like a piece of trash, and think that maybe the most special connection I've ever had just amounted rough patch in someone's M. Not only do I get tossed out like nothing, I get a front-row seat for the reconciliation. Ugh.

 

Clemenza....if you aren't already...go get some IC. As you know, our stories and emotions resonate right now. If you truly want her to give her M a shot and find out what happens you have to let her do whatever it is she thinks she needs to do...intimacy with her H, pictures on the desk...reconnecting with him. I'm going through the same things..and it sucks! But...I ultimately want what's right by her and me...so...if she can reconcile and improve her marriage...I have to support that...I've recently talked to my counselor about a weaning process...and even how to cope if I'm stuck in LC for awhile...since NC seems to fail. She gave me some great explanations...not tools..but the perspective seemed to really help. Without a doubt I'll be walking further and further from where we once were...our intimacy level has to change..or go to nothing. Our friendship will weaken. But...in the end, whether she realizes it or not...i did this because it's right and I L her...not because I want it this way.

 

I've been seeing an increase in pics posted to a popular social networking site....etc...I think she's trying to see if she can go back to her M...and how that is going to feel after living a fantasy for 2 years....she's likely just as confused. It is easier in my mind being in those shoes..because I'm left her lonely..missing her. But..I still want her to be happy. I also want her to do things on her own terms...and not because of me...if she chooses to move on. She wants to be able to respect herself...to me that means letting her do things on her own terms without people name-calling or judging from an inappropriate relationship.

 

Anyhow...stay the course...and dont' take it too personally. From everything you've told me...i have no doubt this xMW had L for you...you just can't worry...regardless of what she feels or thinks, it's about being unselfish and trying to show her L through your action...in spite of how hard it hurts right now.

 

Take care brother...

[Praying4Peace]

I'm sorry you had a down day yesterday. I hope today was better.

 

I can't imagine having to see my exAP. It really does add to the healing time.

 

I've only seen mine once since Dday and a few times passing in a car (but he didn't see me).

 

You said something about wishing that NC/LC was prompted by a fight, I might start a new thread on that, something I've been thinking about.

[Clemenza]

Clemenza....if you aren't already...go get some IC. As you know, our stories and emotions resonate right now. If you truly want her to give her M a shot and find out what happens you have to let her do whatever it is she thinks she needs to do...intimacy with her H, pictures on the desk...reconnecting with him. I'm going through the same things..and it sucks! But...I ultimately want what's right by her and me...so...if she can reconcile and improve her marriage...I have to support that...I've recently talked to my counselor about a weaning process...and even how to cope if I'm stuck in LC for awhile...since NC seems to fail. She gave me some great explanations...not tools..but the perspective seemed to really help. Without a doubt I'll be walking further and further from where we once were...our intimacy level has to change..or go to nothing. Our friendship will weaken. But...in the end, whether she realizes it or not...i did this because it's right and I L her...not because I want it this way.

 

I've been seeing an increase in pics posted to a popular social networking site....etc...I think she's trying to see if she can go back to her M...and how that is going to feel after living a fantasy for 2 years....she's likely just as confused. It is easier in my mind being in those shoes..because I'm left her lonely..missing her. But..I still want her to be happy. I also want her to do things on her own terms...and not because of me...if she chooses to move on. She wants to be able to respect herself...to me that means letting her do things on her own terms without people name-calling or judging from an inappropriate relationship.

 

Anyhow...stay the course...and dont' take it too personally. From everything you've told me...i have no doubt this xMW had L for you...you just can't worry...regardless of what she feels or thinks, it's about being unselfish and trying to show her L through your action...in spite of how hard it hurts right now.

 

Take care brother...

 

Thanks for the words. The logical adult side of me understands everything you're saying. I truly do think it's for the best that she chooses her own path and approaches this her way. I would gain no satisfaction if I knew she just made a hasty decision to be with me without going through whatever process she needs to go through with her H. That would give me more anxiety, honestly. I know that. Sometimes my illogical ego takes control, though, and it overwhelms me.

 

Thanks again. I find your posts to be very encouraging. I started IC 2 weeks ago, and will go to my 3rd appointment on Thursday. I know most, if not all, of the issues I'm having right now have little to do with this situation in particular. The situation is just the catalyst that brought my issues to the surface.

[Clemenza]

An update on today:

 

She wasn't in the office all morning. I don't know if that was good, bad, or neutral because I was still kind of on edge. When I got back from lunch, she was there. I happened to walk past her once when I was on my way to get some water, and she was on her way to someone's office. We smiled and said hi. Toward the end of the day, around 3:00, she text messaged me and said "How are you?" I told her that I'm not used to treating her like just another person in the office, but I'm really trying my best. I asked her how she's doing and she said "I'm.....here. I don't know." Then she said she got assigned a job for tomorrow which requires her to be around me for 3 straight hours. She asked if it's ok if she rides with me and our co-worker to the event. I told her to do what she feels is comfortable, and she said she'll ride with us. That's 3 times over the past 5 days that she's initiated contact. I actually felt better after we had that correspondence, which could ultimately be unhealthy. Pierre would say that an addict always feels good after getting a fix. Haha.

 

I know I'm likely to get a lot of feedback on LS saying that I'm not establishing clear boundaries and that she's having her cake, etc., etc. I guess I'm just not ready to pretend she's a stranger. It might be different if we didn't work together, but NC would just feel so crappy and forced. I guess that's a byproduct of not having had a fight. We still feel obligated to be nice to each other and talk a little.

 

So there's the update in all its honesty and possible dysfunction. But that's where I am. *shrug*

[zevahc]

An update on today:

 

She wasn't in the office all morning. I don't know if that was good, bad, or neutral because I was still kind of on edge. When I got back from lunch, she was there. I happened to walk past her once when I was on my way to get some water, and she was on her way to someone's office. We smiled and said hi. Toward the end of the day, around 3:00, she text messaged me and said "How are you?" I told her that I'm not used to treating her like just another person in the office, but I'm really trying my best. I asked her how she's doing and she said "I'm.....here. I don't know." Then she said she got assigned a job for tomorrow which requires her to be around me for 3 straight hours. She asked if it's ok if she rides with me and our co-worker to the event. I told her to do what she feels is comfortable, and she said she'll ride with us. That's 3 times over the past 5 days that she's initiated contact. I actually felt better after we had that correspondence, which could ultimately be unhealthy. Pierre would say that an addict always feels good after getting a fix. Haha.

 

I know I'm likely to get a lot of feedback on LS saying that I'm not establishing clear boundaries and that she's having her cake, etc., etc. I guess I'm just not ready to pretend she's a stranger. It might be different if we didn't work together, but NC would just feel so crappy and forced. I guess that's a byproduct of not having had a fight. We still feel obligated to be nice to each other and talk a little.

 

So there's the update in all its honesty and possible dysfunction. But that's where I am. *shrug*

 

Clemenza. My 3rd session of IC was today actually....i brought up this very topiic because I'm unable get full NC because I work with my xMW. The boundaries may be subtle, but any are better than none. I talked to my IC about how I can work within the current situation to try and make progress...the thing I'm ensuring I do on my part (and she is as well) is eliminate ALL type of intimacy from conversation...trying to avoid triggers or words that start those converstaions that cause us to reminisce or relapse. We talked about love languages and how to avoid those (and they are diff for her and I).

 

In short, I can't and am not ready to walk away completely...the can't is what probably causes me to be in the "not ready" category...but...i feel like I can and am making strides. Our texting, conversation, etc...has probably been cut to less than a few a week as compared to what was probably amounting to hundreds....I don't love her any less...i miss her just as much....but I do feel like my health is going to improve...I'm sick of feeling depressed and missing her. While it shouldn't be my overwhelming goal, one of my motivators is that if I don't walk away...she'll remain a cake eater and never "get off the pot". If she doesn't choose me ultimately I'm ok with that...i don't have a choice, right? But if I do nothing...i continue in the cycle of depression and don't even give her motivation to work on her current M or choose what she wants. Yes...part of my choosing is selfish motivation...but either way it gets me moving forward.

 

Then again..i'm having a good few days....so...when I'm having another rough one...hope you can encourage me as well...that's part of what this is about..or at least what this forum has done for me..it's gotten me through some "moments".

[zevahc]

Clemenza, sorry to be so brutal, but you are going to be singing the same song just as long as you tell yourself that light contact is working for you. Clearly it's not.

 

Don't you think it's time to put on your boots and wade through the pain and cut her out and off?

 

LadyGrey...I know you're right..but it really can be next to impossible (at least that's what I've found) when you work with someone. I'm not saying nobody pulls that off...but I haven't been able to get complete NC for more than 7-10 days at a time before it falls apart, sometimes due to having to carrying on because it would be obvious to coworkers that something is wrong if we don't...

 

That being said...Clemenza, if you can do it, she's right...if you can't...make any forward strides is better than none...that's where I'm at...but I will say that even my IC told me that the further away I can get...the longer I can go with NC and removing myself the faster I will heal. I was the one who told her I can't get to complete NC because of the situation....and asked her to help equip me and what boundaries can help me grow and move forward if LC is the best I can do for awhile...so...all i'm saying is...shoot to grow each day...set some strict boundaries and I truly believe...as each passing day...with less and less contact...things will slowly change..and maybe even drift apart...it's not what you, or I or others think about with the person we cherish as a best friend and the love or our life, but..then again...we went down this path...and it's a consequence.

[Clemenza]

I really appreciate the feedback, LadyGrey. Ideally, you're right. Our office is really small, though, and we have to work together on things every now and then. NC is near impossible. I think the only way we can go NC is to get managers involved, and we don't want that. Her office mate has already noticed a drop in interaction between the two of us, and I'm sure the rest of the office is picking up on something. I'm not joining them on trips to get coffee or lunch anymore. To go from the amount of contact we usually have had, to this, has been quite the feat in and of itself. I guess, right now, it's more about space with LC than NC.

 

I'm not harboring delusions that we're going to live happily ever after, just because we're on LC instead of NC. I have no idea how MC is going for her, nor is it any of my business. My goal is to focus on myself and focus on being ok with whatever happens (more than likely never being with her). That's why I think it was a good decision for me to start IC. I need to take care of myself, and that's what I'm doing. I've been gaining more and more perspective about everything, but coping isn't perfect. I miss her and have bad days. But I'm also able to put myself into better places easier right now than even 2 weeks ago. I'm noticing progress within myself, even though it may not seem like it because I started a thread to vent a little.

[Clemenza]

xMW, a co-worker, and I were on our way to our event about 45 minutes ago. She got a call saying that her daughter collapsed and had to go to the ER. The left side of her body isn't working. We turned back around, obviously, to take her to her her car.

 

I'm so anxious and feel so bad for her. On the ride back, I just hugged her and said things will be ok and to have positive thoughts. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.

[Goodbye]

I'm having a tough time today. Constant thoughts of "this time last year..." Hate it.

[zevahc]

xMW, a co-worker, and I were on our way to our event about 45 minutes ago. She got a call saying that her daughter collapsed and had to go to the ER. The left side of her body isn't working. We turned back around, obviously, to take her to her her car.

 

I'm so anxious and feel so bad for her. On the ride back, I just hugged her and said things will be ok and to have positive thoughts. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.

 

Prayers for you all. Obviously the important thing at hand is her daughter's health...none of this other "mess".

[zevahc]

I'm having a tough time today. Constant thoughts of "this time last year..." Hate it.

 

Power through....tomorrow is another day...i hate the cycles....but its part of the consequence.

[Praying4Peace]

I'm having a tough time today. Constant thoughts of "this time last year..." Hate it.

 

Clemenza- I hope her daughter is okay. It's so scary when kids have health problems at a young age. I'm sure she will let you know as soon as she can.

 

Goodbye- maybe try and go out for a run or brisk walk. Put on some upbeat music and get the blood circulating and it'll improve your mood. I know it only helps a little this early on, but at least the time of year won't stand still and next year will be totally different.

[Clemenza]

Her daughter is at the hospital in stable condition. I was happy to know that she appears to be ok, but I'm still worried about potential long-term effects. Sounds like it was a seizure or something along those lines. I can't even imagine how scared she and her H must have been, and maybe still are. It breaks my heart. I sent her a text saying "I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you guys. I hope you, (H name), and (daughter's name) are managing as well as possible." She replied back "Thank you :)"

 

I have so many conflicting emotions about how I intruded on a family and I'm a piece of crap. But, really, I'm just glad that her daughter is stable and I hope for minimal to no long-term effects.

Edited June 6, 2013 by Clemenza

[Praying4Peace]

Her daughter is at the hospital in stable condition. I was happy to know that she appears to be ok, but I'm still worried about potential long-term effects. Sounds like it was a seizure or something along those lines. I can't even imagine how scared she and her H must have been, and maybe still are. It breaks my heart. I sent her a text saying "I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you guys. I hope you, (H name), and (daughter's name) are managing as well as possible." She replied back "Thank you :)"

 

I have so many conflicting emotions about how I intruded on a family and I'm a piece of crap. But, really, I'm just glad that her daughter is stable and I hope for minimal to no long-term effects.

 

Im so glad she's stable! Thanks for sharing I was wondering.

[Clemenza]

I haven't heard any updates about her daughter since Thursday, but I also haven't received any terrible news about her. I text messaged xMW on Friday and Saturday to say I'm thinking of them. There was no response, so I just figured she wants to be left alone to take care of whatever she needs to. I'm out of town all week, so I guess I'll just wait until I get back to see how everything is going with her daughter. I feel like an ass for even making this a little about me, but I feel like I could eventually start walking a line between caring and annoying. I genuinely care about her daughter's well being, and want to know things are ok, but I don't want to be a pest.

 

I think just keeping a distance might be best. She should know just how much I care at this point without me always expressing it and checking in.

 

What do you all think? I guess that could be a general question about loved ones with health concerns, or who have kids with health concerns. How often should you check in without overwhelming them?

Edited June 10, 2013 by Clemenza