KungFuJoe Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 As someone who has been on the other side of a too soon "I love you" it can be scary but I don't think you have to worry about it being a deal breaker. My first gf told me she loved me after three dates. I was pretty shocked...and I told her that I thought we were moving too fast. But it's not like I dumped her or wanted to see her less. And eventually I fell in love with her and we were together for 4 years. 1
Carenth Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Sorry I find it very hard to believe that you are in "love" with someone after a second date. Infatuation maybe, love I don't think so. I know I would be freaked out if someone I was dating told me they loved me after a second date. I would frankly think they are desperate or something else like that because saying those words so early on for most people is seriously jarring and putting a huge amount of pressure to reciprocate those feelings when in reality they don't exist yet.
Author Phantom888 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Sorry I find it very hard to believe that you are in "love" with someone after a second date. Infatuation maybe, love I don't think so. I know I would be freaked out if someone I was dating told me they loved me after a second date. I would frankly think they are desperate or something else like that because saying those words so early on for most people is seriously jarring and putting a huge amount of pressure to reciprocate those feelings when in reality they don't exist yet. So what you are saying is that these words would freak you out after 2nd date, but having sex would not? I thoroughly disagree that sex is less "jarring" or significant than words of affection. 1
Carenth Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) So what you are saying is that these words would freak you out after 2nd date, but having sex would not? I thoroughly disagree that sex is less "jarring" or significant than words of affection. Both would actually. Then again I guess that makes me a bit odd I don't jump in the sack with people I barely know, not something I'm interested in, doesn't do anything for me. I get to know the person I'm dating before I do anything like that. I guess I just like to take things slow rather than rushing head long. Each to their own though. To clarify I feel generally trying to rush things is trying to force something to happen (emotions, feelings) rather than letting it happen naturally. I find the later much more enjoyable but that is just me. I'm also of the belief that you can't really love someone until you have seen them at their worst and still accept them for who they are. At the moment you are high on euphoria of a new relationship, someone new. You haven't even begun to scratch the surface of who this person really is. Pretty much everyone puts their best front up in the start of relationships and it doesn't last forever before the real person below is shown. Not saying the person beneath can't be a lovely and caring person but you are in love with an idealised version of this person. Edited June 4, 2013 by Carenth
ChessPieceFace Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Learn to be yourself. I can't believe the negativity! If a guy said ILY under the circumstances you did, I would assume he was infatuated, and overtaken by the moment, nothing more. If I felt infatuated as well, it would all be wonderful. We just have different definitions of love. Either way, I wouldn't be creeped out and leaving skid marks as I skittered for the door. It was simply sweet, cute, but largely meaningless. Now, if the next day, you started backpedaling and claiming you didn't mean what you said? Then I would be gone. You can't even sustain a feeling beyond the moment. That's scary! I don't want that level of instability in my life. Nothing healthy comes of it. Seriously. "I love you" after 2 dates is bad, but it's already done, and still not as bad as saying "oh wait, no I don't" the next day.
starrynightz45 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 If she's into you, she might be surprised by it but I don't think she'd be scared off. It's actually refreshing to see a guy express his feelings instead of leaving the woman wondering forever. 2
Pinky777 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I said ILY to my ex after about 2 months, and I could have sworn he felt the same way. The way he looked at me, touched me, the things he whispered when we were making love, it was so intense and passionate and I just got carried away by the moment. He just smiled and bid me a good night. However, once those words were out there, he took a step back and closed himself off a little, emotionally, and things weren't quite the same. We dated another 5 months after that and things were great for the most part, so no, it didn't destroy our relationship, but I know it did put a lot of pressure on him and he was more cautious. He never returned those words, and I still wonder if he would have if things had progressed more naturally. I felt like he was getting there, but me vocalizing it actually put the breaks on things. In your case, though, it clearly hasn't freaked her out and it's great that you explained yourself a bit without actually backpedalling, it took a lot of the pressure off her. I've been on the other end of it as well and it sucks to think that if the day comes where you want to break up with the person, it might destroy them. That's not necessarily the case, but no one wants to break another person's heart.
Author Phantom888 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Well I'm seeing her tonight. This is technically our 3rd date, but she wants to "stay in". I feel that she is very much into me... I also think I shocked her, but she understood me. During the weeks before we met, we talked on the phone a lot, and she knew from the beginning that I'm quirky and honest...maybe too honest. What's done is done...and she still wants me. I guess I should feel happy. 2
RogerWallace111 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I hate to add to the naysayer troop, but, I've gotta agree that saying "you're just honest" is kind of goofy. As others pointed out, you can't have actual love for a person you know so little. You can feel sure that they're someone you can grow to love, or feel super excited by them on rare, primal level... But beyond that ? I think "I'm already starting to fall in love with you" would have been the accurate statement. You can very sincerely believe you feel a certain way only to realize later that it was more just an emotional reaction to the situation. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I hate to add to the naysayer troop, but, I've gotta agree that saying "you're just honest" is kind of goofy. As others pointed out, you can't have actual love for a person you know so little. You can feel sure that they're someone you can grow to love, or feel super excited by them on rare, primal level... But beyond that ? I think "I'm already starting to fall in love with you" would have been the accurate statement. You can very sincerely believe you feel a certain way only to realize later that it was more just an emotional reaction to the situation. I really appreciate this approach. Very well stated, bro. I only love what I know about her, and it's really not enough time to know everything about her. As much as I have experience in life, marriage and relationships, I never really considered the spectrum between love and indifference. I'm always used to being in love while in a relationship, until things go bad and it becomes complete resentment. I think at 38 I'm beginning to see the areas between polar opposites. I just never noticed these dynamics before, and I always thought it was a good thing when the girls tell me they love me really early on.
RogerWallace111 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) Yeah... And looking back "goofy" wasn't the word I was looking for. Because saying what you feel isn't ever wrong. It can be the wrong move, but it's not wrong. Besides once in the fourth grade, and once at about 16, I've only told one girl- my one longterm lady- that I loved her. I did it after a month, and it too was an "it just slipped out" type of thing. We were pretty head-over-heels-ish and had spent probably 2/3 evenings with eachother since first getting together, but in hindsight it probably wasn't really true at that point. I no doubt loved the way she was making me feel & loved what I knew of her personality thus far. Plus the way she looked & f*cking her of course Anyway, I whispered it to her completely without forethought while watching a movie. She didn't say anything and I hoped she hadn't even heard. Then a week later I eased forward by saying "I think I'm falling in love with you", from which she jumped to "I love you". Turned out she had thought she heard it during the movie but hadn't been sure. Romantic love can be really abstract and hard to pin down, as far boundaries of what really constitutes it. Obviously there's no one answer. Some people will contend that you don't truly love a person unless it's relatively unconditional. Like, if some life changes & the passage of a few years can result in someone no longer being in love with their significant other, were they ever really ? Or was it just infatuation ? Plus sometimes people seem to love being loved so much that they mistake that for actually loving the person and everything they are. Like the type of guy who says he loves his girlfriend- cause she's sweet to him, loves him dearly & always has his back- but frequently gets irritated by her and looks down on her intellect... Is that love ? Anyway I'm expanding past what's relevant. I know what you mean about that line between love and indifference, though. I think it has a lot with how the person reflects their feelings back on you. As far as making that jump from indifference to excited as f*ck. Like a girl who is perfect for you in all ways, that you would admire & respect endlessly, could shirk you off and you could default back to indifference. But a week later you could end up falling "in love" with the sweet but boring/insecure chick who really makes me feel wanted. Somewhere between the two is the real love. Tired, sorry for rambling. Edited June 4, 2013 by RogerWallace111 1
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