Helsinkisyndrome Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Going crazy now after I broke up with my ex of 2 years about 2 months ago...there is a part of me that wants her back and believes her when she says she has changed. Conversely, there is another part of me that is telling me to play the field and move on...If you were in your early twenties should you move on or give it another chance? My family and friends don't think it's a great idea, but its not up to them. What is the criteria to look for to assess whether you should take them back.
SadPanda22 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I was with my first boyfriend (and consequently, my first ex), for almost my entire twenties (from 19 to 26). We broke up several times during the years that we were together. He would always come back to me, wanting another chance, saying that he would change, blah blah blah. Guess what? He never changed. I highly doubt that your ex has changed either, especially in only two months. What significant changes could she have possibly made is such a short period of time? Remember that you broke up with her for a reason. Is that reason no longer an issue for you? If you take her back it isn't going to be any different than it was before. I say move on and just enjoy being young and single.
CherryT Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I had a similar break up to you when I was your age. My first serious relationship of 3 years fell apart and after breaking up and getting back together a handful of times with empty promises of "i've changed", I realized that people CAN'T change what's hardwired in them. It's hard because you had a routine for 2 years and it's easy to see short sighted versus what's best for you in the long run. If she hasn't really changed, you will be dealing with this again in the near future. 1
Author Helsinkisyndrome Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I broke up with her because we were just so volatile at times and becauae she just couldn't let things go...I guess me second guessing right now is me missing her and doubting my decision, what do you say? There was no infidelity but..I just wasnt happy and now I miss her like crazy and while we are NC now,she did get in contact recently telling me how much she had changed and realized what she did wrong. I'm young right now and I'm just conflicted on whether or not giving a second chance would be even worth it. I just am afraid of wasting my time.
SadPanda22 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 It is completely normal to miss her. She was an important part of your life for two years. Just because you miss her, however, does not mean that you should be with her. I missed both of my exes like crazy after we broke up, and I still miss them occasionally. I don't want to be with either of them though. You said that she has a hard time letting things go. I really doubt that is going to change. Do you believe that in two months she has changed and that things will be different this time around? Also, seconding guessing your decision doesn't make it wrong. That's normal too.
Author Helsinkisyndrome Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 It is completely normal to miss her. She was an important part of your life for two years. Just because you miss her, however, does not mean that you should be with her. I missed both of my exes like crazy after we broke up, and I still miss them occasionally. I don't want to be with either of them though. You said that she has a hard time letting things go. I really doubt that is going to change. Do you believe that in two months she has changed and that things will be different this time around? Also, seconding guessing your decision doesn't make it wrong. That's normal too. I guess that maybe missing her is making me selectively forget all of our bad times and focus on the good times..maybe, I'm grasping for straws thinking that she has changed because I miss her. What did you do to stay resilient and not take them back?
aloneinaz Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I don't think you'd even be considering a reconciliation with your ex if you had met someone else that you really liked since breaking up with her. In almost all cases, when ex's get back together it due to one or both of them being lonely due to not having anyone else. That's when they reach back out to an ex. I know I've done it many times after dumping a girl. I'd go on a bad streak of bad dates or no dates and get lonely, horny and reach back out to an ex to fill the void. To your question, only you know the right decision. People's core behaviors don't change. It would be one thing if she was drinking to much and you dumped her. She then completes AA and is sober and wants another shot. In that scenario I would give a second chance.
Author Helsinkisyndrome Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I don't think you'd even be considering a reconciliation with your ex if you had met someone else that you really liked since breaking up with her. In almost all cases, when ex's get back together it due to one or both of them being lonely due to not having anyone else. That's when they reach back out to an ex. I know I've done it many times after dumping a girl. I'd go on a bad streak of bad dates or no dates and get lonely, horny and reach back out to an ex to fill the void. To your question, only you know the right decision. People's core behaviors don't change. It would be one thing if she was drinking to much and you dumped her. She then completes AA and is sober and wants another shot. In that scenario I would give a second chance. In these past 2 months, I've decided to focus on myself. I'm not trying to jump into anything for a good while, but I have been talking and flirting with other girls. I just can't get my ex out of my head. I'm holding out from hooking up with these girls until I get my head straight and I'm ready..just feel as though I would be dirty to do something so soon even if it was for physical gratification. As for my ex..I guess her problems run deep..being hyper sensitive, forbidding me from being friends with certain people, not letting things go until I apologized...I mean there are other problems but these are some of the major issues..
SadPanda22 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I guess that maybe missing her is making me selectively forget all of our bad times and focus on the good times..maybe, I'm grasping for straws thinking that she has changed because I miss her. What did you do to stay resilient and not take them back? During my entire relationship with my first boyfriend I was never resilient. I caved every single time he came back saying that he had changed. He broke up with me over a year ago, and that is when I FINALLY learned my lesson and came to my senses (it took me 8 years, good lord). I went NC immediately, and have had zero contact with him since. He has contacted me many times, and I just ignore him. It was extremely difficult at first, but it gets easier, I promise!! If you decide that you do not want to reconcile with your ex, I suggest NC. It will make it easier on the both of you. Neither of you will be able to heal and move on if you are still in contact with one another. Plus you remaining in contact with her will only give her false hope and mess with her feelings (even though that isn't your intention) and that isn't fair to her at all.
aloneinaz Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 In these past 2 months, I've decided to focus on myself. I'm not trying to jump into anything for a good while, but I have been talking and flirting with other girls. I just can't get my ex out of my head. I'm holding out from hooking up with these girls until I get my head straight and I'm ready..just feel as though I would be dirty to do something so soon even if it was for physical gratification. As for my ex..I guess her problems run deep..being hyper sensitive, forbidding me from being friends with certain people, not letting things go until I apologized...I mean there are other problems but these are some of the major issues.. These behaviors of hers you mention in this last paragraph would be hard for anyone to change. They were deal breakers the first time, why would they not be the second time? If you haven't dated anyone else since her, you're probably lonely and horny. Of course you'd think of get back w/this girl. I get that you're healing after your break up but the sooner you meet/find someone else, the sooner she'll be in your rear view mirror.
Author Helsinkisyndrome Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 These behaviors of hers you mention in this last paragraph would be hard for anyone to change. They were deal breakers the first time, why would they not be the second time? If you haven't dated anyone else since her, you're probably lonely and horny. Of course you'd think of get back w/this girl. I get that you're healing after your break up but the sooner you meet/find someone else, the sooner she'll be in your rear view mirror. You're right..I guess missing her is clouding my judgement...I guess I'm going to try to get out more, meet some friends and meet girls...I'm young and single now lol
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