IS IT Better late Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I will tell you how, I was going through a world of hurt, I had been dumped for the first time in my life in my mid 30's. My life felt out of control. The girl who gave me so much affection and attention suddenly told me she didn't want relationship with me. So as I was randomly searching for advice to cope online I came upon LS. 3 1/2 months later I'm still hurting, she's managed to hijack my thoughts for nearly 5-months. Our relationship was only 5-moths. So how do i get off of LS? I was pretty happy go lucky dude until this all went down. When I met her it felt like everything was coming together for me. So here I am, unable to move on from her, still in pain, up & down, good days and bad days. Wondering what is she doing, thinking? How does she think of me. I've put my whole self worth into her hands. I need to turn this around... quickly and get my life back. If you've done it, tell me how. I ready to learn.
BustedUpInside Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I will try to give you advice for what worked for me, but in the end change is really going to be up to you. 1. If you are cyber stalking her at all, you have to stop. There has to be no way for you to keep checking up on her life. 2. Repeat to yourself frequently, "If I am thinking about her, and she is thinking about her, then who is left to think about ME? Who is putting effort into making sure that I am happy and leading a good life? Who is making ME a top priority?" Do this every time you start to wonder about her life. 3. Repeat to yourself frequently, "What she thinks of me doesn't matter. Relationships break up for a variety of reasons. I probably made mistakes, and she probably made mistakes, but just because she was the one to end it doesn't make her the "winner" and me the "loser". I only lose if I stop trying to make myself a better version of myself. She doesn't control what I think about myself. I control what I think about myself. If I think I am good enough, then it is true. Perception is reality!" 4. If you continue to obsess about a relationship that is over and done with, then you will never be open to the possibility of a new relationship that could be even better than the one you are spending so much time worrying about now. 5. The relationship was 5 months long, you have spent 5 months getting over it. Exactly how much longer do you think you should spend getting over your ex? Days, weeks, months, years, forever? Instead of waiting to feel better you should actively start saying that today you do feel better. Better than yesterday, and tomorrow you will feel better than today. Some days might have small setbacks but they will not detract from the progress. Every day you will feel a little better until you are completely back to normal. These may not all work for you, but I promise that if you stick with it and really try to get over the break up, I don't see any future where you won't feel at least a little better than you do right now. Good luck and I hope you start taking back control over your own life very soon! 5
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 ^^^ Dig this!!! And OP, I feel a lot like you do, except my RS was 3 years and included an engagement. Or at least a sham that appeared like one for a while
BC1980 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Honestly, remove all traces of her from your life by whatever means necessary. Block her number, get a new hobby. Never, and I mean never indulge your thoughts of her. You will eventually forget her for the most part. I know you don't want to forget. I had a really hard time with that myself because there were so many good times. I was really afraid to forget because I wanted to hold out hope. I thought, once I begin to forget him, it really is over. But what's the alternative? This sick limbo and emotional roller coaster? Both options suck quite frankly, but the quicker she ceases to exist for you, the less time wasted. It was so awful for me. I was with a man for 3 years who really played up wanting to marry me, bought me a ring, was supposed to get married this summer. He totally blindsided me one night after work. You know what also helped me? Realizing that I don't even want someone who would treat me like that. I was obsessing over what I thought we had and did have at one time. He ended up stringing me along for 3 years. I was taking care of his child, washing his clothes, making him dinner. All because I loved him, and he was blowing smoke up my $ss the entire time. 1
McGriff Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 At some point IIBL, like me, we are just gonna have to suck it up and say enough is enough. Our situations are eerily similar, and I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being sick and tired of this. I mean ultimately, they are just ordinary women. Our minds make them out to be what they once were, but that's not them anymore. I'm writing this out because I need to hear it as bad as you do. We need to set ourselves free. I am a slave to her meaningless outreaches. To objective outside observers, we are pathetic. I know what has to be done, and I'm not quite there yet, but I'm getting there. THE PAST IS THE PAST. Enjoy it for what it was, some people never find that. you had five months of pure bliss. So did I. The future is what you make it. I need to follow my own advice. 1
Author IS IT Better late Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Thanks guys for your responses. Busted up your advice is excellent. The only cyber connection I have with her is on Linkedin, so really not too much to see there. Points 2 through 5 are great advice but hard to implement. The problem I'm having as McGriff is too is our situation isn't so black & white. It wasn't a bad breakup that some big fight occured and we hate each other. I think she felt that I wanted more than what she wanted to give me. So she got nervous and decided to back away. But she never shut the door on me. She began texting me 2-days after telling me she didn't want a relationship. So I've tried no contact and the breadcrumbs always come in, the longest period without any breadcrumbs was 2 1/2 weeks. She's given me enough (verbally) to keep up some amount of hope. During our most recent text exchange I've tried to force her hand to either make a move towards me or to leave me alone. The jury is still out. She is still saying positive things but her actions don't match! So my plan is to go back to NC. And work on me. And listen to the folks on here. I know most ppl will say just go strict NC and don't respond to her texts but that seems childish to me. And yes I'm sure I'm feeding her ego, but I guess she feeds mine too knowing that she hasn't let me go either.
BustedUpInside Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I know how you feel about responding to texts. It does feel a little immature to ignore someone, but I think you need to change your thinking on the situation. It is actually more dramatic and immature to prolong a relationship that is over, hurting each other over and over, dragging out every detail and emotion. In these cases, I believe and I am no expert , that it is the much more adult thing to do to take a step back and give each other the space and time to evaluate what you really want out of life. Let your ex see if the grass is really greener, and let yourself see if it isn't better to be on your own for awhile and see if you can find a new relationship that fits your needs better. 3
StraylightRun24 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 If you think just going completely dark on her is childish may I offer a suggestion? You could let her know that if she really has no desire to try and make things work with you again you'd really appreciate it if she stopped contacting you. Let her know that you have a hard time letting things go and her "breadcrumbs" are keeping you in limbo. At this point it's really not fair to you.... It sucks regardless but at least if she stopped texting you every couple of weeks you won't continue being stuck in limbo. Good luck friend! 1
Author IS IT Better late Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Hey Stray, That's exaclty where I'm at. If she doesn't take any action soon I'm going to tell her that I'm not interested in being her "pen pal" anymore. I wouldn't let her know I've had a hard time letting her go, she doesn't deserve that kind of credit but I will say something like this "Listen I'm not interested in this platonic pen pal relationship anymore so if this is all you want it's best we leave it here" take care ace hole lol! just kidding about this part haha. What do you think of that? 1
StraylightRun24 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think if you feel that's the right course of action then you should follow through with it. Like I said above regardless with breadcrumbs or without breadcrumbs it sucks but at least without them you have a fighting chance of moving on a lot quicker. Freakin' broken hearts. UGH! 1
McGriff Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 IIBL, I've told her I wasn't interested in the platonic friendship thing, and I STILL get messages! Although I haven't heard from her since Sunday. She did go a week and a half before sending me a text. It sucks because the breadcrumbs are a blessing and a curse. They let you know you're still on her mind, but you're not getting anywhere. I think there's three ways to get out of this situation for me: (1) go hardcore NC until she figures out I'm not gonna answer ever. (2) I or she meets someone else of substance, or (3) she wants to reconcile (I'm not considering this, because she most likely would have done it by now). I think my situation will continue indefinitely until one of those 3 things happens, and probably you too, since our situations are so similar.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I know how you feel about responding to texts. It does feel a little immature to ignore someone, but I think you need to change your thinking on the situation. It is actually more dramatic and immature to prolong a relationship that is over, hurting each other over and over, dragging out every detail and emotion. In these cases, I believe and I am no expert , that it is the much more adult thing to do to take a step back and give each other the space and time to evaluate what you really want out of life. Let your ex see if the grass is really greener, and let yourself see if it isn't better to be on your own for awhile and see if you can find a new relationship that fits your needs better. Damn BUI, it's like you've done this before . Perfectly stated!! It is not childish/immature, it is absolutely the best solution. It is the only option that will allow you to heal. Constant breadcrumbs just keep pulling the wound open. Nothing else. They don't lead to anything positive for the dumpee... 1
BustedUpInside Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Damn BUI, it's like you've done this before . Perfectly stated!! It is not childish/immature, it is absolutely the best solution. It is the only option that will allow you to heal. Constant breadcrumbs just keep pulling the wound open. Nothing else. They don't lead to anything positive for the dumpee... All of my advice comes from me making huge mistakes and then feeling miserable for days. Plus, when I tell people to do things on here then I feel compelled to do them myself so I don't feel like a total fraud All-in-all, I know that since I went full No Contact, I have felt better about the break up then I ever did when we were still trying to be "friends". Maybe some people are able to move on while staying in contact, but I don't know how. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Maybe some people are able to move on while staying in contact, but I don't know how. Me neither. Not me!!! 1
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