Big Sky Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 After about a month of NC (February breakup), my ex contacted me a couple times to meet up. I finally caved and went out with her on Saturday night to a couple bars. It went so well -- we caught up, the attraction and love were clearly there, she exhibited all the right body language signs, held my arm, etc. When we first started dating, I went to study abroad and she mailed me a ring that I could keep with me at all times. I had it on my keychain for the entire time we dated, and returned it to her when we broke up. She was wearing it on her finger -- I pointed it out and she said "I never take it off anymore -- it reminds me of you." We ended up kissing on her apartment building rooftop, she snuggled up close to me and made the move. Then (and I don't know if it was the grave mistake of the evening), I asked her what she wanted from me. We started to talk about the reasons for the breakup. Essentially we had dated for over 2 years when I started a while lucrative, also really stressful and demanding job, one that required long hours and it was an extremely difficult adjustment. She was so supportive in the beginning, cheering me up when my melodramatic self was down and bitter with hatred for my job. I would get home at 1 AM every night, and the 10 minutes we would spend together before going to bed would be filled with my complaining and / or me not being fully present. No wonder she broke up with me -- how does anyone take that kind of treatment? I told her that I was in a better spot now -- I had adjusted to the job and my hours weren't as bad anymore, as I had grown to be far more efficient. Then she said something that was interesting and very true and mature -- that I needed to find happiness for myself, and that I had been depending on her to provide that for me. She couldn't take the burden and pressure of trying to make me happy when I clearly wasn't and couldn't be without finding my peace from within. She said that she stood by her decision to break up with me and that we couldn't get back together right now. It wasn't unexpected, but certainly is disappointing. I'm beating myself up really badly now -- I feel like I screwed up big time while in the relationship, losing someone who cared so deeply about me and still wants the best for me. I also am regretting asking what she was looking for from me; I probably should have just taken it slow. The feelings and the love are still there, and I cannot shake this feeling that we are meant to be together -- I've heard that when you know, you just know. How can I begin to find this peace within myself, and be happy again for myself? She's right that happiness comes from within and I can't depend on anyone else for that. And, unrelated, if I do that, do you think she will come back?
Author Big Sky Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Bump please. Any advice would be super helpful
BustedUpInside Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I don't want you to feel bad that no one commented on this thread before now. It is just a little confusing to know where to help you. It seems like you want advice about how to get your ex back, but she has made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship and, instead, wants you to go off and work on yourself. I also think that if you "work on yourself" in an attempt to get her back, then you really aren't doing it for yourself, which defeats the purpose. Also, you didn't "screw" anything up. Your relationship ended but it is probably not your fault. Relationships end all the time and it isn't because you didn't do enough or didn't care enough. You really need to get some space on this and gain some perspective. You said you were doing so well, so I would suggest going back to No Contact. You need to evaluate whether you actually want her or did meeting her too soon in the healing process just bring up old hurts and feelings. Hopefully, you can feel better about yourself soon, because you deserve to continue to feel happy, whether that is with her or without her. 1
aisuru Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Finding happiness, first of all, has to be about making yourself whole, not with the intent to win her back. She's been honest and direct that a relationship with you is no longer a possibility. As far as finding happiness? Well, I'm still working on that myself. I think it involves really being honest with yourself about where you are now as a person and where you wish to be. Figuring yourself out. We're all works in progress. Also, as an fyi, these boards sometimes move slowly so it may be that you receive responses over the next several days, not hours. 1
totallylost5040 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Hey Big Sky, I'm only responding this in hope you'd respond to mine :-P But imo, I think you did everything right, until you asked that question, take it slow. The reason she left you is because of the confidence, asking her only shows that you might still be insecure about yourself. Women want a MAN, that's confident and everything like that (i had that same problem with one of the girls I was dating, as seen in my post) but fear not.... she OBVIOUSLY still likes you or she wouldn't call you. Go your separate ways and keep working on yourself, maybe you ended NC too early? Too close to tell, but don't lose hope, unless she tells you HELL NO, don't contact me. But DO work on yourself, appear confident and appear happy and that you are doing YOU for YOU, not for her. It'll show. She knows you well obviously, so if you are lying she'll see right through you. Maintain No Contact or VERY limited contact. The girl I was dating just hit me up today and asked if i was ok, and I said i hope she's ok, then said see ya. If you make contact, don't let her know what you are up to. I know its hard but you gotta keep it together. If you want more, let me know.
Recommended Posts