Should I tell?

[LabellaTriste]

I recently had an affair with a MM that lasted about 6 weeks while his wife was not here. I'd basically met the man when he was brand new in town, and we pretty much immediately became lovers. I'd never met the wife before, but she knew about me (but not the affair) as the MM would refer to me as "his best friend" when he talked to her on the phone or online. The affair ended about a week before she moved to town to be with her husband.

 

I took the initiative to meet the wife - because, as the husband's "best friend" I thought she might suspect something if he didn't at least introduce her to his 'best friend". Also, to be honest, I was curious. And I quite liked her, and under different circumstances, we might have even been friends.

 

Anyway, any relationship between me and the husband is pretty much dead and gone, and has been since his wife got came here, which is fine with me, as I always knew it was a dead end. He hasn't made any attempt to contact me, but he does respond if I do contact him.

 

I don't contact him much- the last time I did so was because there was a social conflict in the area where he worked, and I wanted to know if he was okay. That was several weeks ago. In fact, I've talked more to the wife than I have to him, though I haven't done so in a while.

 

Yes it did hurt to let the relationship go (and it was a full on physical and emotional relationship, where I was told I was the only person he could completely be himself around, blah blah blah, etc etc), but I'm pretty much over it.

 

I do, however, think he should have told his wife, though I never pressed him to do so. I live in the same neighbourhood as his family (wife and small daughter). I'd rather have the truth be out and be disliked/hated/ignored than pretend everything is a-okay if I accidentally see them at the local park. That happened last weekend, and the MM and I made eye contact, and actively avoided each other, and I felt way more nervous than I wanted to - this at a park 50 yards from my house. All of my friends know already, so I'm not concerned about my reputation.

 

Should I take the initiative (like I did to meet her) and tell his wife? Or just let it go completely and just grin and bear it?

Edited June 3, 2013 by LabellaTriste

[ASG]

I would let it go.

It is not your place to tell her. It's his. And if he doesn't want to tell her, then it shouldn't be you who brings it up.

Move on.

[Bryanp]

Does your husband know of your affair? If so maybe he should inform the wife.

[LabellaTriste]

I've pretty much moved on - I don't really miss him that much anymore. I just hate the secretive awkwardness around his wife. I'd even felt slightly protective for her when I met her because she's kind of shy and quiet, and hated the MM for making me feel like a horrible human.

[Athens]

Tell him to tell her and then have her confirm this with you OR stay out of it. I don't understand the sudden concern of OW once the affair is over to tell the wife themselves. Seems vindictive to me.

[LabellaTriste]

Does your husband know of your affair? If so maybe he should inform the wife.

 

Well, if I was married and not single, I'd probably have told my husband because I'm bad with (my own) secrets.

[weedsandposies]

No don't tell. He's basically leavig you alone, you're the one initiating all the contact. Stop. Write it off and just move on.

[LabellaTriste]

Tell him to tell her and then have her confirm this with you OR stay out of it. I don't understand the sudden concern of OW once the affair is over to tell the wife themselves. Seems vindictive to me.

 

I read through several threads on this site for an opinion on this, many of which has the "the spouse has the right to know" POV.

 

I'm not vindictive towards either - I have no feelings for the MM any more, and the wife, I like. A lot of people know about the affair- including his friends. I'm looking for a POV, that is all.

[HonestNeurotic]

I'd let it go. Like a book wherein one chapter a character gets killed off, never to return. I wouldn't lie if ever I was asked, but I would not go out of my way to make someone else miserable. I just cannot see that it would serve any purpose.

 

IMHO ~ as always (cuz I KNOW that this is not a popularly held opinion or belief with most people)

[weedsandposies]

I read through several threads on this site for an opinion on this, many of which has the "the spouse has the right to know" POV.

 

I'm not vindictive towards either - I have no feelings for the MM any more, and the wife, I like. A lot of people know about the affair- including his friends. I'm looking for a POV, that is all.

 

You're right that most on here are for disclosure to BS (not me) but most. This affair was short-lived and he has not initiated any contact with you so why cause her and yourself problems?

 

If he does contact you again to restart the affair you might get differing opinions.

[LabellaTriste]

No don't tell. He's basically leavig you alone, you're the one initiating all the contact. Stop. Write it off and just move on.

 

He is the one who begged me not to cut him off when I told him I wanted out of the picture. So I did my part to try and remain on friendly terms. He should just grow a spine and straight out tell me that he can't follow-up with this friendship business that he wanted from me. I'll respect that. We were, at some point, very open to each other and he should at least respect me enough to be honest about that.*

 

* ETA, I should also add that this is the main reason I'm a just a bit annoyed (but not worthy of being vindictive over) at HIM. He should have just told me to leave me alone right up front so that I didn't waste time worrying about him whenever something bad happens near his work place upstate.

 

I haven't contacted him in a long while, and don't actually want to. Also, it was the wife who wanted to meet me, (because the MM had spoken a lot about me) but I was the one who initiated that contact because I'm more out-going and approachable.

 

The reason I contemplated telling is because I hate keeping up the pretense. She has been nice and friendly to me, and I did not reply to her last email (we had been chit-chatting for a couple of weeks via email before I just couldn't handle it anymore), which was a while back, but it's only a matter a matter of time before I see her around, since we live just about a couple of block away from each other.

Edited June 3, 2013 by LabellaTriste
*to add

[Artie Lang]

if you feel so strongly about letting his wife know, you might want to send an anonymous letter informing her.

 

i strongly recommend you stop interaction with her. the facade of being "friends" with her is very cruel. you certainly are np friend to her, being that you were f'ing her husband while she was away.

[LabellaTriste]

You're right that most on here are for disclosure to BS (not me) but most. This affair was short-lived and he has not initiated any contact with you so why cause her and yourself problems?

 

If he does contact you again to restart the affair you might get differing opinions.

 

My main concern is bumping into his wife, and having to make conversation with her, and me not being very good at lying (MM had also asked me to lie, outright, if ever confronted). That's why I wish he that would just tell her himself and get it over and done with. Or that they would just leave my town. Or the country.

[LabellaTriste]

if you feel so strongly about letting his wife know, you might want to send an anonymous letter informing her.

 

i strongly recommend you stop interaction with her. the facade of being "friends" with her is very cruel. you certainly are np friend to her, being that you were f'ing her husband while she was away.

 

Well, if you've read above, you should probably know that I did stop interacting with her (and him) because the facade was tiring on me. So that advice is redundant, but thanks. It would be ideal if we didn't meet at public places, but that's the uncomfortable, unavoidable part where one has to keep up the pretense (which is what I don't want to do).

 

And as for f'ing her husband, well, I wish I could have been the vile temptress breaking a good man's willpower while his poor wife is away - for ****s and giggles - because that's so much simpler, but the real story is a bit more complicated than that.

[underwater2010]

Well, if you've read above, you should probably know that I did stop interacting with her (and him) because the facade was tiring on me. So that advice is redundant, but thanks. It would be ideal if we didn't meet at public places, but that's the uncomfortable, unavoidable part where one has to keep up the pretense (which is what I don't want to do).

 

And as for f'ing her husband, well, I wish I could have been the vile temptress breaking a good man's willpower while his poor wife is away - for ****s and giggles - because that's so much simpler, but the real story is a bit more complicated than that.

It is simple...you slept with a MM while his wife was tying up lose ends in another part of the country. Your story is has been told over and over on here by other OW. I am glad you feel guilty, but this sounds more like revenge.

 

However, please do tell her.

 

It will be all over you neighborhood before the sun rises again. Can you deal with that? Every woman that has a significant other with be looking at you, trying to guess what you intentions are with her husband.

 

You don't have to confess because you see her in a public place. All you have to do is say hi and make idle chit chat. This is more about marking your territory and you know it.

[Coolit]

I think W already suspects and was fishing. Most women are pretty intuitive. It would seem odd to her that her husband's bff is suddenly out of the picture when she arrives.

 

I know, even pre-cheating, i would have suspected something.

 

Me, I wouldn't tell unless you have an std or are pregnant. I do not think you can "fix" what you did by telling. My motivation would be that I wanted to fix what i had done when you can't.

 

But I also believe everybody has to make their own choices.

 

If I was going to tell I'd write an anon letter saying what was happening while she was gone withought giving details so the letter looked like it came from a third party. If she confronts you, you know she wants to know the truth. If you don't hear from her, she wants to keep her head buried in the sand. Then you can respect her wishes on the matter.

[BeholdtheMan]

I would let it go.

It is not your place to tell her. It's his. And if he doesn't want to tell her, then it shouldn't be you who brings it up.

So the cheating husband has an exclusive right to tell, and if anyone else tells, this sacred right of his has been infringed? Get outta here...

 

This guy has betrayed his wife's deepest trust. TS isn't an unrelated third party. She's the other woman. If she wants to tell the wife, she has every right to.

 

It's not her place to be husband's accomplice in perpetrating the worst sort of lie against his wife: letting her live a sham of a marriage

[Artie Lang]

And as for f'ing her husband, well, I wish I could have been the vile temptress breaking a good man's willpower while his poor wife is away - for ****s and giggles - because that's so much simpler, but the real story is a bit more complicated than that.

 

how much more complicated is it..... you were f'cking a MM?! it doesn't get much simpler than that. sure there are other factors involved, but the "right & wrong" of it is pretty cut-and-dry.

 

 

like i said, if it bothers you that much, go ahead and tell her. i don't mean to bash you, as you seem to have grown some sort of conscience, but it's not about it being complicated- it's about it being WRONG!

Edited June 4, 2013 by Artie Lang

[ComingInHot]

The story IS pretty twisted. MM moves to new town. MM meets woman. Woman Knows man Is M. MM and woman jump in the sack right away. Woman is now OW. MM tells W he has new "female" bestie. W moves into the new marital home. OW befriends W. W is thankful for first new friend in new town and builds the "friendship". MM dumps OW. ExOW feels guilty because W is a lovely woman. ExOW a bit pi**ed at MM for "luring" her into sack (right away) . W has NO idea why new friend disappeared and is probably internalizing. MM is telling W MORE lies, this time about exOW.

Now what??

You & MM did this. You both created this. Regardless of the reason, MM's W should know the TRUTH!

Tell her & tell her soon. Because... MM having Not been caught, may go on to do this again. And You (exOW) may go on to do this again.

 

She will probably guess it is You who had Sex w/her H. Expect that. But geez, let his W decide for herself what she wants to do.

 

Pretty simple.

[BetrayedH]

I'm pretty established as being in the honesty camp. His wife deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to live the rest of her life. It's that simple. You have an opportunity to give her that. It's obvious that her H won't.

 

If you don't do this, she remains the town fool and you keep the awkward status quo for you (which is pretty disrespectful to her).

 

Tell her and let the cards fall where they may. Don't walk away while she has a knife in her back. How much more of her life could be wasted while he is out getting it on with other women? Wouldn't you want the courtesy of beig told the truth by someone, anyone?

[drr6]

What are you seeking to accomplish by telling her?

 

Despite what you say, your thoughts come across as vindictive and erroneously self-righteous. Motivated it would seem by having "been played" and so now you need to have the last blow. You cheated with a married man. It's over.

 

Move the eff on and try not to do this shizz again.

[BetrayedH]

What are you seeking to accomplish by telling her?

 

Despite what you say, your thoughts come across as vindictive and erroneously self-righteous. Motivated it would seem by having "been played" and so now you need to have the last blow. You cheated with a married man. It's over.

 

Move the eff on and try not to do this shizz again.

 

Why move on? Why not free the woman from wasting her life? She does the woman some common decency by sparing her wasted years of her life. It's a good step regardless of her motivation. The end result is honesty.

[whichwayisup]

if you feel so strongly about letting his wife know, you might want to send an anonymous letter informing her.

 

i strongly recommend you stop interaction with her. the facade of being "friends" with her is very cruel. you certainly are np friend to her, being that you were f'ing her husband while she was away.

 

No way. If she is going to tell, she should face her consquences too. She was willing to get involved with someone she knew was married. She has to own her part in all this and not just exMM take all the blame. Sending an anon letter is a cop out and for her to avoid any fall out, and also puts her in a spot since she's 'befriended' his wife, and chances are, she will want to know who it is and when it comes out (it always does) all hell will break loose.

[Washingmachine1980]

Think I would try to just put them into acquaintance mode and be done with it.