daisybuchanan55 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Hi guys-- I wanted to ask for advice on a problem that, over and over again, ruins potential relationships. I don't get crushes often but when I decide I like someone I become COMPLETELY OBSESSED with them way too early on. I want to know everything, I fantasize, I go on their FB and Twitter and whatever other social media they have and pour over the wall posts/tweets/pictures, I even look at their family's pages. I'll Google them and find out things I wouldn't know otherwise. I'll imagine us being married. I'll name our kids. I'm like this in all areas of my life (become easily obsessed with projects, goals etc) and obviously this trait carrying over to my relationships is not a good thing. The guys never know I'm obsessed with them/doing all this "research," but it definitely affects my behavior and mind in such a way that I end up killing the relationship before it even has a chance to grow. It prevents me from being my authentic self and makes me nervous around the person. I put them on a pedestal and it makes getting to know who they actually are kind of impossible because I've already "imagined" who they are in my head! It's really a shame because there's no reason I should have any trouble dating. I am really lucky (this board has made me realize HOW lucky) that I have no social anxiety, no trouble meeting people, am attractive and get asked out frequently. I have a good job and lots of friends. Because I know this about myself I try to keep dating others, I never friend them on FB etc. But then eventually they'll friend me or I'll be bored and Google. And as for dating others, it's pointless because I remain fixated on the one I really like. Any tips on how to curb my obsessive tendencies and let the relationship develop naturally?
Maleficent Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 best way I found is to stalk them on Facebook and google them endlessly
tricolors Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I'm fairly certain everyone does that these days to some extent. If the information is there and easily accessible, you can bet people will be looking it up. Thankfully I personally have one of the most common first and last names in existence, making it hard to find anything about me. In addition I have no Facebook page. It's nice to be a ghost in the digitally aware era.
Treasa Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Get focused and obsessed with your own life. For me, that's work, working out, seeing movies, playing games, visiting my mom, playing with my bunnies, traveling...if a guy can manage to fit in after all those things, that's cool. He's getting maybe a few hours from me a week at most, though. My stuff comes first. Dudes come second. This is why I'm happily not in a relationship. 4
SoulSoldier Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Get focused and obsessed with your own life. For me, that's work, working out, seeing movies, playing games, visiting my mom, playing with my bunnies, traveling...if a guy can manage to fit in after all those things, that's cool. He's getting maybe a few hours from me a week at most, though. My stuff comes first. Dudes come second. This is why I'm happily not in a relationship. This. Seriously, I'm going through the same thing myself with my relationship. Being clingy = not a good thing. You gotta continue to live your own life, pursue your own passions. The less clingy you are, the more attractive you are to your partner. The more clingy you are, the more you risk ruining the relationship. Like Treasa said, focusing on your own life is the best medicine for it. Get involved in activities you enjoy. When you're feeling especially clingy, rather than taking it out on your partner, instead journal about it. For me, I find journaling, doing things with family, playing with my doggy, listening to music, watching movies, playing golf, playing guitar, playing video games, focusing on work....all of it helps me to be less clingy. 1
Babolat Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Tresea nailed it. Focus on you, work on you. And, if you don't want to know the answer to a question, don't ask it. I told the last girl I dated to not FB me; I did not want to learn about her electronically or see photos, comments, posts, etc and take them out of context.
FebruaryAmor Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Girrrrrl i know how you're feeling! I've learn to calm it down a little and this is how. 1) i dont follow or add them on ANY social media sites. I'm not even friends with my bf on fb.. i deleted him. being fb friends doesn't validate us. 2) I try my hardest not to initiate contact. I don't call, i dont text. I always allow him to come to me. this will make the guy think you're busy like "damn what is she doing? let me hit her up" 3) while ur not texting or calling.. i would suggest you put down any device you use for this snooping. If it's your iphone.. but the iphone down for a few hours. If its your laptop.. get off. do something else. 4) go to the gym (this is the best one). Get a schedule popping where u start going habitually. If the dude hits u up.. u wont be phased. why? because youll be working out, you wont have your phone on you. When u check ur phone after u work out youll be like "oh he called. ill call him back when i get home". When u call him u can then tell him "oh hey just got back from the gym or wherever". he will be intrigued like "damn she work out too she is sexy she cares about her health" my obsession stems from anxiety..this is what i do to put my anxiety down. works for me. the first few days it will be hard but you have to put yourself FIRST. 1
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