Why do I still feel like this

[tom22]

Hi Guys,

I've posted on here a few times before, and have always received some great advice, so here I am again with another issue hopefully someone can reassure me about!

 

(Sorry about the length of the post!)

 

I've been OLD for about 2 years now, with varying success. The problem I often have is that I "Invest" too much in a girl that I'm talking to, only for us not to click alot in real life when we meet and I end up feeling completely down and upset about it. I just can't help it. The problem is that I'm not the most confident guy and I always like to get talking to someone alot before we meet, and I always start feeling alot for the girl I'm talking to.

Well, at the weekend I finally met a girl that I have been talking to for about 8 months (which is ALOT longer than I would usually leave it before meeting!). At the start we only used to text each other, alot. Then she met a guy and got into a relationship and we spoke less, but still text about once a week and just kinda became friends. About 2 months ago she split up with him and it was then we first actually spoke on the phone. The last 2-3 weeks we have started chatting every night on the phone and my feelings for her have been getting stronger and stronger. So, we arranged to meet the weekend just gone. And since agreeing a date, I have been a nervous wreck! I was terrified that we wouldn't get on in real life, just like the others before. And what made it worse was that she has told me that she is worried about us meeting would change how she feels for me, so I knew that she felt the same as me! The fear I've always had is that she is too good for me. She is incredibly attractive, and just such a lovely, confident person. And to make matters even more nerve wracking, she'd asked if I would mind coming to a BBQ with her at her family home - so I'd be meeting her family on the same day too!

Well, this happened yesterday (sunday) and it went amazingly well! I felt completely comfortable with her. I was so concious about her not feeling attracted to me, and to be honest for the first half of the day, I felt that she didn't. But in the evening, after the BBQ, we went back to her house and watched some DVDs and she fell asleep cuddled up to me, holding my hand. Then, before I left, we hugged for about 5 minutes and kissed.

And so I got home last night feeling really, really happy. She even text to thank me for a lovely day and asked if I'd been put off by anything about her!

 

But all of today I can't shake the feeling that she's not as interested as I think she is. I had an email notification for the OLD site I use, and so logged on this morning and saw that she was online, which doesn't bother me massively, but it is the only thing that I can think of that is making me feel like this. I have alot of feelings for her now, so maybe its the fear of being rejected again? She had mentioned yesterday about going with her to her friend's birthday meal next week, so she obviously wants to see me again.

 

So have you guys got any thoughts on why I can't stop feeling like this? is it just the fear of rejection? and what do you think about her being online today?

 

 

Thanks again for reading if you have got this far!

[Eddie Edirol]

But all of today I can't shake the feeling that she's not as interested as I think she is. I had an email notification for the OLD site I use, and so logged on this morning and saw that she was online, which doesn't bother me massively, but it is the only thing that I can think of that is making me feel like this. I have alot of feelings for her now, so maybe its the fear of being rejected again? So have you guys got any thoughts on why I can't stop feeling like this? is it just the fear of rejection? and what do you think about her being online today?

Its because you dont know what youre doing. It looks like you dont have choices and you get attached to the first woman that shows you any interest.

 

You dont know how you attracted her and thats why you dont know if she really likes you. Theres alot to learn about how women work to understand why you shouldnt get emotionally invested until you know youre doing it right.

 

When you dont know if youre doing it right, you wont stop feeling like this. So you gotta do your research. You read about it, then you will know exactly what you are doing right and what youre doing wrong with her now.

 

Another reason you dont get your emotions involved, because from my POV, it looks like she is online checking to see if something is better out there. She could be one of those women that feel bad about ignoring well thought out messages from men, but I always assume that they are shopping. So until her actions, and words say that she is done online shopping and is ready to give you a fair shot, keep your heart to yourself.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Eddie Edirol

[Cutiepie1976]

Well he's online too, should she check his profile, and could be wondering if he is still searching. Paranoia about last visits to a site are counterproductive IMO.

 

OP, it's unclear to me whether you are a convenient companion to accompany her to social events since she broke up with her boyfriend or whether you have actual dating potential at this point. You need to behave in a manner that makes it clear which role you will play.

 

You are awfully passive in the way you handle things and that will work against you with many, if not most, women. If I may ask, why haven't you asked and taken her out on a real date yet? It's been eight months. I would encourage you to develop more initiative when it comes to dating.

[tom22]

thank you both for the replies.

 

Well he's online too, should she check his profile, and could be wondering if he is still searching. Paranoia about last visits to a site are counterproductive IMO.

 

OP, it's unclear to me whether you are a convenient companion to accompany her to social events since she broke up with her boyfriend or whether you have actual dating potential at this point. You need to behave in a manner that makes it clear which role you will play.

 

You are awfully passive in the way you handle things and that will work against you with many, if not most, women. If I may ask, why haven't you asked and taken her out on a real date yet? It's been eight months. I would encourage you to develop more initiative when it comes to dating.

 

Cutiepie1976 - Thank you. I would like to think I'm more than just a convenient companion - I certainly think I'm more than that to her. As for why we haven't been on a date yet - its a little long winded! but in short: initially she had reservations about seeing someone who wasn't local to her ( we are only an hour's drive apart, but she meant more local than that!). And then when she was with her boyfriend, we were going to meet up just as friends, but decided it wasn't the best idea seeing as it was likely at least one of us would want more than friends and so decided just to keep in touch as friends. Then she broke up with her boyfriend and we started getting closer, she changed her mind on the distance thing, ans so we arranged to meet - and here we are!

 

 

I know really that I'm worrying over nothing. she has always been completely open with telling me things, and really when I look at it she has given me no reason to make me think she isn't interested anymore. The fact that she has still been on the dating site isn't really something that I should worry about I don't think. If she is, as Eddie says, still "shopping" then I'm am sure she would have told me she isn't interested. If getting to know her has taught me one thing, its that she isn't the sort to lie about her feelings and string people along, unless I'm a terrible judge of character that is! also, I'm sure she will have conversations going with other guys, and I can hardly expect her to stop talking to anyone on there! I guess I'll just have to wait a couple of days to see if anything has changed, but so far it hasn't.

[Cutiepie1976]

Originally, my impression was that she was very interested, but gave up and started dating someone else because you weren't progressing things. Always nice to get additional data. Now, I'm less sure since she delayed meeting and opted to date the guy who became her boyfriend instead. Different people define distance differently, etc. Why communicate with someone in the first place if they are too far away? Who knows what she was thinking? At any rate, I am glad to hear that she didn't want to meet up while in a relationship with the other guy.

 

At this point, as an unbiased observer, it's unclear how she views you. You say, "Here we are," but why is she still driving this bus while you play timid passenger along for wherever the ride might go?? Why didn't you ask her out on a proper date following the BBQ? It is on you, as the guy to define what you want and to seek it out. If you want to date her, then ask her out on one-on-one experiences that you plan. You are hurting yourself with your dating style and approach.

 

BTW, terrible idea IMO to agree to be run through the critiquing and approval gauntlet of family as your first in-person encounter with her...and then her friends as your second meeting with her (at this birthday she has suggested you attend). Your focus early on should be on building a connection with her, not distractedly seeking the approval of a crowd. You don't date by committee.

[Eddie Edirol]

If she is, as Eddie says, still "shopping" then I'm am sure she would have told me she isn't interested. If getting to know her has taught me one thing, its that she isn't the sort to lie about her feelings and string people along, unless I'm a terrible judge of character that is!

 

Wrong my friend. The whole reason this site was made is because people who are not driving the bus in their relationships were getting lied to-by people they thought would tell them the truth. Just look at the breakup forums. If your girl has no intention of getting involved with you, but has the intention to use you for attention, then she has every reason to lie to you. Any guy that knows she isnt into him wouldnt still talk to her, but you will, so she could get that attention from you. She wont tell you the truth if she thinks you will disappear. Dont be naive, dont give her the benefit of the doubt. Assume she snt really interested until she truly shows she is.

 

Your focus early on should be on building a connection with her, not distractedly seeking the approval of a crowd. You don't date by committee.

 

Cutiepie I dont know if you made this up, but "You dont date by committee" should be your sig. Simple and brilliant

[Cutiepie1976]

I made it up.

 

No offense to the OP, but it's silly to subject oneself to these group evaluations by strangers before one has even gone on an actual date! Why would anyone agree to this?

 

Why hasn't there been an actual date in eight months...or the last two months or whenever she broke up with the guy she picked after talking/texting the OP? Why is she getting into dating relationships with another guy but not the OP?

 

Clarity is needed, and it's up to the OP to push for a date if he actually wants one. She'll either agree, or make it clear that he's just a good friend and companion.

[tom22]

Originally, my impression was that she was very interested, but gave up and started dating someone else because you weren't progressing things. Always nice to get additional data. Now, I'm less sure since she delayed meeting and opted to date the guy who became her boyfriend instead. Different people define distance differently, etc. Why communicate with someone in the first place if they are too far away? Who knows what she was thinking? At any rate, I am glad to hear that she didn't want to meet up while in a relationship with the other guy.

 

At this point, as an unbiased observer, it's unclear how she views you. You say, "Here we are," but why is she still driving this bus while you play timid passenger along for wherever the ride might go?? Why didn't you ask her out on a proper date following the BBQ? It is on you, as the guy to define what you want and to seek it out. If you want to date her, then ask her out on one-on-one experiences that you plan. You are hurting yourself with your dating style and approach.

 

BTW, terrible idea IMO to agree to be run through the critiquing and approval gauntlet of family as your first in-person encounter with her...and then her friends as your second meeting with her (at this birthday she has suggested you attend). Your focus early on should be on building a connection with her, not distractedly seeking the approval of a crowd. You don't date by committee.

 

 

Thank you again!

 

Ok, so it was my intention to ask her about a 2nd date when I was there, but since she got in about her friends birthday first I had no need to ask, and her parting words when I left were "see you on saturday".

I completely agree with what you are saying about being a passanger along for the ride... I know I need to be more in control.

 

Now, I'm not sure what to do. Like I said, I spoke to her on sunday night, after I got home, it was kind of a goodnight phonecall and it was just as our normal conversations. We exchanged a few texts yesterday, although not as much as usual, and nothing since yesterday afternoon. I know though that she had to work a long 14 hour shift yesterday from 8am - 10pm (she is a police officer) and she is working again today an early shift until mid afternoon I think. So I would expect her to be quiet. But what should I do about contacting her next? should I leave it to her to contact me? or should I contact her and confirm we are on for saturday? or maybe I should suggest a different date, one on one? what do you guys think?

obviously the last thing I want to do is come across overly keen, but I'm getting more and more concerned that her texts have dried up slightly.

I really, really like her, and I can already feel myself getting depressed that maybe she doesn't like me back - although she has said that her feelings haven't changed for me.

[Cutiepie1976]

I suggest being less passive.

[tom22]

I suggest being less passive.

 

 

I know you do, and I am going to try and be more assertive - I will certainly be the one to decide on a 3rd date, should it get that far. But do I just leave it and see if she decides to contact me? and if not just assume she has lost interest? or do I maybe send a text this evening just catching up and asking how her day has been, and judge how her responses are to me?

[Cutiepie1976]

You said that was your plan when it came to a second date after the family barbecue. Yet the second "date" is another group activity...with her friends.

 

Who is driving the bus? ...while you are planning to try to be more assertive at some undefined future time point?

 

Perhaps that plays into why it's unclear what role you serve or could have in her life.

Edited June 4, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[tom22]

I did have every intention to be the one to set up the second date. I was talking about next weekend and what her plans were, with the intention to arrange a date. She said that she is working friday night and is going to a birthday meal on saturday night. She then said that she had asked her friend if she could bring me with her (Her friend knows all about me and her). And so she asked me if I could come and I said yes. I dont really see that as her "driving the bus", but maybe I'm wrong.

 

I'm going to continue texting her as I normally would - before we met up. I usually send an evening text to see how her day has been and she usually gives me a call before bed. I'll see how she is towards me and if nothing has changed then I'll bring up our next "date".

 

Thanks for your advice cutiepie1976, it really does help. I'll give an update incase you are interested in what happens

[Cutiepie1976]

You seem like a really nice guy, so I hate to be critical, but honestly, this is more than a little ridiculous!

 

I did have every intention to be the one to set up the second date. I was talking about next weekend and what her plans were *blah blah blah EXCUSES AND FLUFF!* And so she asked me if I could come and I said yes. I dont really see that as her "driving the bus", but maybe I'm wrong.

Dead wrong, my friend.

 

What exactly is your idea of a great date? Is it being screened over a meal by her friends? Who suggested this screening? You?? No, her. What do you have planned on the calendar--a real date or part two of her village screening process? Did you want to date the rest of the village you missed in part one of your screening or this particular woman? Which option would be more exciting and appealing to you?

 

So, who is actually driving this bus?

 

Why were you so passive that she had to ask you out on both outings...while you continued to intend to plan to try to be more assertive about asking her out on an actual date?

 

This is part of the reason why, since you connected on the dating site eight months ago, she has dated someone else, started, experienced, and ended a relationship with that guy, and is likely considering others on- and offline while you have intent but do nothing more than serve as confidante/friend and agree to be hauled around to sundry group activities when she doesn't have a boyfriend.

 

Are you holding yourself back from getting to a relationship with your behavior? Absolutely. Are you holding her back? Of course not. She won't allow you to waste her time. While you dithered, she hopped into the driver's seat and drove your bus where it suited her...to another guy, while she made it clear to you that you were a friend.

 

How have the last eight months worked out for you while you let her drive?

 

Very simple to get a date with her (or clarify that she really doesn't want to date you). But you have to stop being Jello that is too timid to ask for a date. "Here we are," to quote you...without an actual date eight months later because you refuse to turn intent into action...into an actual, tangible request to take her out on a date.

 

So on reflection, how could you have handled things differently? Why is there still no date on the calendar? Until you choose to change, lose the excuses for why you couldn't ask for a date, and become more assertive, she will continue to drive the bus since you aren't/can't/won't/are too frightened/timid/unprepared/inexperienced or whatever is going on that prevents you from simply asking her out on an actual date. She previously drove the bus into a relationship with another guy, while you became her friend. Where will she take you next since you still refuse to drive?

 

 

I'm going to continue texting her as I normally would - before we met up. I usually send an evening text to see how her day has been and she usually gives me a call before bed. I'll see how she is towards me and if nothing has changed then I'll bring up our next "date".

I agree that you should at least maintain your current level of communication. I have to say though, if she calls you, why are you texting her? Why not call her instead? Real logistical issues that preclude a call or more timidity and passivity on your part? If the latter, lose it! Neither is an appealing trait to most women if you are trying to date or be taken seriously as a potential dating option. Quite the opposite.

 

 

Thanks for your advice cutiepie1976, it really does help. I'll give an update incase you are interested in what happens

Glad you're finding it helpful. Good luck and definitely update us.

[tom22]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write these replies Cutiepie1976.

 

Ok, so last night we were texting each other, and I just couldn't help myself. I asked her straight how she was feeling since we met and whether she wants to see me again. She told me to stop being silly and asked what had made me think she wouldn't. I just told her I was worried and was just being paranoid. She said not to worry and we said goodnight.

This morning, I gave her a text first thing to see how she was (she went to bed last night feeling sick). I didn't get a reply at all. I've been feeling like a total idiot all morning for saying what I said last night and I was convinced I'd ruined it with her. So I gave her a call, and she was fine. She said she thought I'd been acting strange the last day or so, but I apologised and just said again that I was a little worried and that I just didn't want to be bothering her if she wasn't interested. I asked her to come out with me on saturday afternoon, I thought we could go for a picnic to a nice park local to her, if the weather is nice. She said she will have to let me know because of work (I know how this sounds, but I do know that it is hard for her to plan things around her job because of changing shift paterns and being called in at the last minute). Although I'm still not totally convinced all is ok, I think I've given her enough opportunities to say she isn't interested, and I know for a fact that she IS the sort of person to just ignore phonecalls when she isn't interested. I'm going to try and back off now and wait for her to call/text me and see how she is with me over the rest of today and tomorrow. I've asked her on a date now, and I will make sure that the next time we meet it is doing something just the 2 of us.

[Cutiepie1976]

What are your ages?

 

Actions tell you where a person's priorities and true feelings lie.

 

Data point: She can plan ahead...more than a week ahead...when it's committing to meeting her friends and family, but for a random walk in the park where she will be alone with you, work suddenly surfaces as an issue that makes it difficult to plan or commit to meeting...on the day she had committed to attend a friend's birthday event.

 

Data point: Eight months of various excuses from her why a meeting one-on-one can't happen--distance, found a boyfriend, schedule...perhaps others, I don't know.

 

Data point: Her feelings haven't changed, she claims. I believe that. Her actions and choices have been consistent throughout.

 

Your timidity about progressing things and seeking clarity have also been consistent, and is really working against you. That's why you are so confused and remain in limbo from your perspective. You asked about her feelings for very good reason, but then immediately backed off and apologized, blaming it on your paranoia. As I asked before, why are you texting when she is clearly open to phone calls and based on her actions, prefers those? Why would you attempt to have a serious discussion about where you stand with her via text? And why retract the question, claiming paranoia on your part?

 

Are her actions and choices aligned with the direction in which you hope to take things with her? Are you okay with your progress and the pace of things so far? How do you see things changing, if at all?

[tom22]

our ages: I'm 23, she is 25.

 

Once again, you've made some really good, clear points! thank you!

 

Ok, so I did take on board what you said about phonecalls, which is why I called her this morning. Although I didn't ask the question again, she brought it up by saying that I had been acting a bit strange, and said that if she wasn't interested or just wanted to be friends, she would say so.

To answer your question about progression - I'm happy in the sense that we have finally met, and that I am quite sure there is a connection there. But the thing I am not so happy about is that we do not seem to be talking as much as we did before. But its hard to say why that is - it could just be mere coincidence that she has been busy, or perhaps having crossed the landmark of meeting, there isnt need to talk so much as before.

How do I see things changing? its a bit hard to say right now. I know I like her, thats for sure, and so if she likes me back, which I think she might, then I would hope to see things changing in the direction of us growing closer. But again, until I've seen her again, its hard to say for sure how I see things going.

 

To pick up on your point about her being able to plan ahead with friends and family - they are fully aware of the fact that plans can change with her at the last minute. She has said to me in the past that she wouldn't want that to happen with me - to plan something then have to cancel, not at first anyway. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for her, but I do understand that she doesn't want to mess me around like that.

 

I know my worries are coming from the fact that we aren't talking as much, but I don't want to initiate conversation so much as to appear overly keen.

 

As you have no doubt guessed, I'm not very experienced with women at all. I know that I am a decent guy. I'm very caring and very down to earth and I know I am what she is looking for. I'm just waiting, and hoping, that I get the peace of mind that I've got her interest and that I don't need to worry about losing her before I've had the chance to see where things go with her.

[Cutiepie1976]

Ok, so I did take on board what you said about phonecalls, which is why I called her this morning. Although I didn't ask the question again, she brought it up by saying that I had been acting a bit strange, and said that if she wasn't interested or just wanted to be friends, she would say so.

Fantastic! So you have a one-on-one date scheduled now? Hopefully, you aren't still nailing Jello to the wall when it comes to getting an actual date.

 

 

To pick up on your point about her being able to plan ahead with friends and family - they are fully aware of the fact that plans can change with her at the last minute. She has said to me in the past that she wouldn't want that to happen with me - to plan something then have to cancel, not at first anyway. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for her, but I do understand that she doesn't want to mess me around like that.

So if she can't make the birthday event, how does that work with you? You get ditched with a bunch of strangers? Or she cancels on you too and you don't go? Just trying to understand how that or the BBQ she invited you to would have worked in such a scenario.

 

How did she manage to date the other guy? She was okay "messing him around like that" but not you? I don't understand why on the surface, at least, she's okay scheduling with friends, family, and another guy despite the "risks," but not you. Ditto for group events vs. individual dates. Somehow, it's not adding up for me.

 

I know my worries are coming from the fact that we aren't talking as much, but I don't want to initiate conversation so much as to appear overly keen.

Passively waiting for her to initiate calls is a choice, and "here we are." Don't complain about the ride experience, route, or final destination if you are too timid and afraid to drive the bus.

 

As you have no doubt guessed, I'm not very experienced with women at all. I know that I am a decent guy. I'm very caring and very down to earth...

We all start off inexperienced and then get better with time.

 

Does she like you? Yes! That is clear. As a friend vs. potential romantic partner? Unclear and my guess is she herself may be unsure. Does she want to date you? Unclear but, if she does, she seems to have very strong reservations given the length of the delay. That's my assessment.

 

As an outsider with very limited facts, while I believe she is interested, I'm simply questioning what exactly it is that she's interested in--friendship, the companionship you provide, having you as a confidante, having someone she can dependably turn to when she needs someone, dating you, having you as a boyfriend. Each of these, or some combination of them, are distinct possibilities.

 

Here are the things arguing against her seeing you as boyfriend material:

• While speaking with you and avoiding dates with you, she met, dated, and had a relationship with another guy, all the while keeping you as a friend and being careful to define her friendship with you as platonic.
  
• While claiming feelings and interest, she has deflected all attempts to date you for eight months. Do you have a one-on-one date following her statement this morning?
  

 

Her excuses also don't add up:

• How was she dating the other guy if her work schedule is such that she can't commit to scheduling a date (with you)?
  
• How is she inviting you to accompany her to scheduled group events but scheduling dates (with you) are somehow problematic because she might have to cancel on you?
  

Please help me understand why this makes sense to you. It doesn't make any sense to me. What am I missing here?

 

 

I am what she is looking for. I'm just waiting, and hoping, that I get the peace of mind that I've got her interest...

No doubt you're a great guy and you sound like one from your posts, but with all due respect, based on what you've shared, I highly doubt she feels as strongly as the bolded statement. If this were true, she wouldn't have picked another guy as a boyfriend over you. You've gotten nothing but excuses for eight months about why she can't date you. He got dates and a relationship. A more realistic interpretation, based on her choices and actions, would be that she is ambivalent. She may feel you have some good qualities but remains unsure whether those are sufficient to offset whatever concerns she seems to have.

 

At any rate, it is your responsibility to progress whatever it is you have to actual dating, assuming she has romantic interest in you. Passively waiting around and hoping that you might get what you want, while being too timid and afraid to pursue it actively tend to be counterproductive in securing your desired outcome.

[ChessPieceFace]

I've had this problem -- getting close to a girl online / on the phone, then having disaster dates in person. I'm MUCH more outgoing online than in person; one time a girl was gaga over me online, then one phone call and it was over. Other girls I had great, long phone conversations with, and every RL meeting was an epic disaster. I'm just "boring" in person, and at this point it's not even really fear or shyness, it just feels like it would take entirely too much energy to be outgoing. I am absolutely sure it is chemical in nature.

 

Anyway, I'd try to meet these girls sooner in your process, even if it's just a quick meetup for a bite to eat. That way you'll be much less likely to waste your time and emotions in pairings that will never work in real life.

[Cutiepie1976]

She has invited him out twice (group events). If the first had been a disaster, there wouldn't have been a second invite. Clearly, she doesn't find him "boring" in person. She seems to enjoy his company, being around him, and talking to him.

 

The problem is that, so far (unless something changed yesterday), she has avoided an actual date with him, but not with someone else.

 

OP, since you really like her, I wouldn't give up just yet. But I certainly would be asking her some tough questions about why she can't seem to go on a one-on-one date with you. Many guys would have put her on the spot after her declaration yesterday about wanting to be more than friends, and asked very tough questions. You either get a concrete date following a statement like that, or you bail because the ensuing conversation that you have provides clarity that what she wants isn't what you want! But then again, they typically drive the bus. To date, you had relinquished driving to her...the main reason for your ongoing confusion, anxiety, and lack of clarity about your role in her life. That's a choice.

[tom22]

Sorry for the lack of update, I haven't had chance to come on here for a few days.

 

So nothing has really happened since I last posted. We haven't met again, but things seem to have reverted to as they were before we met, we talk on the phone and text alot still and just seem to be friends. I did ask her out, but the date I had suggested she is in court (through work, not an accused or anything!). I am going to ask her out again when I know I am next free, but to be honest I just don't see it leading to anything anymore. As much as I want it to, she is definately not as keen on me - for whatever reason. I think to be honest I am ok with being friends with her, although I would love there to be more, I would hate to lose contact with her. I guess time will tell, but following my gut feelings about how things are, I can't see us ending up together.

 

The problem this causes me now is that I don't think I can deal with OLD anymore. I just can't handle with the frustration and heartache of being constantly disapointed that things dont work out. I just can't stop myself having feelings for someone I havent even met. But the problem is, I just dont have the social life where I meet women. But - this is a subject to be addressed in another thread!

 

Thanks cutiepie1976 for all your help and advice.

[Cutiepie1976]

Cut your losses and move on. You can't be her friend. It's a one-way street where her needs are being met, but yours never will be. Unhealthy. Besides, you aren't going to be open to anyone else as long as you're orbiting in her extended circle as a "friend."

 

The issue isn't OLD. The issue is your behavior and choices. Learn to read the tea leaves. If someone won't meet within a short timeframe (a week, maybe two, but not eight months), move on. Learn to ask for what you want. Learn to accept no. Anything that isn't a definitive yes to a one-on-one date is a no. You became attached and are now annoyed and frustrated because you chose to hang around and develop a largely virtual platonic friendship with someone who repeatedly told you she didn't want to date you (too far, in a relationship with someone else I met after you, work, group events). Too far should have been your cue to move on to someone else, not engage in becoming her platonic confidante in the hopes that it might somehow turn romantic. Failing that, her finding a boyfriend should have prompted you to leave, especially when she then clarified that your friendship was purely platonic.

 

The tool isn't the problem. It's the technique that's at issue. Instead of blaming OLD, learn from your mistakes.

Edited June 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Cutiepie1976]

I did ask her out, but the date I had suggested she is in court (through work, not an accused or anything!). I am going to ask her out again when I know I am next free, but to be honest I just don't see it leading to anything anymore.

 

IIRC, you asked for a Saturday afternoon date, immediately preceding the friend's birthday meal.The court system in the UK schedules hearings on Saturday afternoons?

 

Just struck me as interesting...not that it changes anything.