jmaceno1 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I'm a married father of two who is at his wits end. My wife and I have been together for over nine years (7 married + kids) and I don't want to be with her anymore. It isn't not wanting to be married, it's just the relationship doesn't make sense anymore outside of the kids (and not even) and the fact that she has no means of sustaining herself without me. I do love her, she has good qualities as a person, just not so much as my spouse. That's not me saying I'm the cats meow cause I'm not, we've both admittedly done damage in different ways. All of this came to a head last year when I told her that I wasn't happy with her, I couldn't be happy with her, I didn't want to be happy with her. I was genuinely firm about it, expressing my desire for divorce. Naturally she fought it tooth and nail, and I had long sleeve shirts and face masks at the ready. I wanted out, she refused to let me out. Like I said before she has no means of sustaining herself, we've depended solely on my income (which isn't much) to get by in a new city where she has no family and I have very little support from mine despite their active presence in our lives. So she couldn't leave, I couldn't kick her out. So we fought and fought. In that time I had become emotionally and intimately involved with another woman who knew what the situation was. My wife had more or less known about her too (more at the end of the fling), she'd also found out about a video that had been filmed of me and a 1x hook up (by found out I mean this video somehow came into my wife's hands). I had a tattoo of my wife's name covered up, you can imagine that didn't go over too well. Things got physical, property got destroyed, things got potentially life threatening for all parties involved...including my kids. She refused to give up on us. I wanted her to give up on us. When it was all said and done I decided I couldn't keep up the fight and my sanity so I gave in. It wasn't just because I didn't want to fight, the situation was out of control and we both talked out the uglier points of it. The other woman and I stopped seeing each other, I told my wife the whole story. She seemed to have owned up to her faults, I owned up to mine. It was more of us giving our marriage/family a fair shot knowing more now then when we started....yet a year later here I am again. I'm unhappy with her, she makes me unhappy. I have no true connection with my children, I have no mental freedom, I feel like nothing more than a slave to my responsibility. I just can't go through that whole fiasco again. Not a single part of it. I also can't deny how I feel in anyway shape or form. If I'm not saying it I show it, If I'm not showing it I'm acting out. I've started drinking now to cope (I recently quit smoking and switched to vapor). So she knows I'm not willing to be with her, and is content to stay together so long as I act like nothing is wrong, even though she knows I'm acting. I feel like this is the beginning of a very self destructive path and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Thanks to anyone who read all of that, greater thanks to any who offer constructive responses. I'm not sure what I expect to get out of posting here but I'm glad I got to put it down and look at it.
dama739 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 That's a rough situation to be in. I've got no business giving advice, but I've always liked the quote, "Anyone has the right to end a relationship whenever they want to." It sounds like you're not happy and are in a downward spiral, which isn't a good thing for your, or your kids. It doesn't sound like she's really happy, either - she just kind of wants to tune out and be taken care of. Ultimately, while it appears you still care about her/her well-being, you have a responsibility to yourself and your kids. Unless there's something that physically prevents her from getting a job/working, she needs to get out and there and make her own way. Not to be harsh, it almost sounds like she feels enabled by the control she has in this situation.
Author jmaceno1 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 @dama thanks for your feedback...worry not about positions of advice giving...it's what I poured my heart out for. I've actually never heard that quote before and it makes a lot of sense...she would beg to differ though. To her, I don't have the right if she doesn't want to...and if she makes and empty threat... I don't have the right to agree or not care. It def is downward spiral...and the worst part is being aware of it as it's happening. I'm not even trying to hide it...I'm just drinking and drinking away. You summed it up perfectly though...she's totally enabled and stubborn to boot. It's admirable but misplaced and misguided. I just don't want to care anymore.
FreeSpiritLady Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I'd like to know where you reached the point of no return. Where did you realize that your marriage didn't make sense any longer? I'm in a sort of relatable position... my husband, more along the lines of your wife. I believe he'd let me leave. He just REALLY doesn't want me to, so whenever it comes up, the conversations that have usually been somewhat civil, switch dramatically. I hate that you're going through all of this. It's hard feeling. I suggest seeking an outlet somewhere other than in alcohol though. In the end, you'll be more miserable than before, if you don't. My thread: We took a wrong turn somewhere and just kept going, is long, but I'd love if you could read it.
pteromom Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 The kindest thing you can do for yourself - and for her - is to leave. She deserves a man who can be faithful to her and who can love her. She is clinging onto you in desperation, and probably due to financial fears, but she deserves more. So get your own place and file for divorce. Keep paying for your family, and in the divorce, make sure you set up child and spousal support. Don't make things harder than they have to be for her by making it difficult for her financially. You will have to stick to your guns. Obviously you can't go NC, as you have children and will have to settle everything. But you can make sure you DO NOT sleep with her; do not say ANYTHING that gives her hope; and keep telling her it is over and nothing can change that. Just go already. In the long run, she'll find someone else. And for goodness sake, start building a connection with your kids. That is actually the saddest thing in your post. Makes me wonder if the issue isn't your marriage at all, but something within you that makes you incapable of connecting with people.
secretlady76 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 @dama thanks for your feedback...worry not about positions of advice giving...it's what I poured my heart out for. I've actually never heard that quote before and it makes a lot of sense...she would beg to differ though. To her, I don't have the right if she doesn't want to...and if she makes and empty threat... I don't have the right to agree or not care. It def is downward spiral...and the worst part is being aware of it as it's happening. I'm not even trying to hide it...I'm just drinking and drinking away. You summed it up perfectly though...she's totally enabled and stubborn to boot. It's admirable but misplaced and misguided. I just don't want to care anymore. Before you totally kill your self worth and respect and spiral into depression, I really do think you need to go to MC and if that doesn't work then you need to make arrangements to divorce. Can you not see that your wife is controlling and manipulating you. A true sign of lack of self-esteem on her part. She cannot bear it if you do anything that is outside the perimeters of what she allows you to do. It's now got to a point that you're losing the will to live and drinking to numb the hell that is your current life. I am sure the affair you had was a little bit of you rebelling against the wife's controlling behaviour. Please take back some control, man up and do something about it before it is too late. Keep talking here. We are here to help and support. Much luck to you.
Author jmaceno1 Posted June 6, 2013 Author Posted June 6, 2013 @Everyone Who Posted Since My Last Reply - : Thank you all for the feedback given. I honestly forgot about this thread for a couple of days with everything going on. So I wanna follow up with each of you with details in response to the replies. Good or bad I really appreciate all of your contributions. Thing is the only time I feel safe coming here is while I'm at work and work has ramped up so...you do the math...
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