hppr Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 What is it that makes you willing to go on a second date with a guy? This is different for every woman. Some women don't go on second dates, period. You'll meet lots and lots of women like that online. Most women aren't like that though and if there is some attraction, or they at least had a good time, they will go on a 2nd or 3rd date no problem.
Forever Learning Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) Thanks everyone for the responses. Anyway my goals are to be a more effective dater period. Not necessarily online. I really am on a quest to (a) understand and get better with women and people and (b) meet someone amazing. Anyway, this is now my burning question to the women... What is it that makes you willing to go on a second date with a guy? How do you define a connection? I know it is more than just a nice conversation that flows well... If your goal is to be "a more effective dater, period", then, as in anything in life, practice makes perfect! I think you should just start going on dates, period (inexpensive ones, meet ups for coffee). Not every date has to be with a super model or your future wife. Just ask out (for coffee, or a beer, or whatever) a relatively likeable female, who seems somewhat interesting to you. Just like going on job interviews, it will become easier and easier the more experiences you have under your belt. I think eventually each date will be like collecting pieces of a puzzle, which down the road will build a picture for you of something you can't see clearly at the moment. Such as, the answer to this question: "What is it that makes you willing to go on a second date with a guy?" If you go on a bunch of dates with a variety of women, the answer to this question will surely be revealed to you over time. There likely is no one correct answer. As for me, the answer to this question - "What is it that makes you willing to go on a second date with a guy?" depended on what stage in life I was in. The answer was way different in my college days and early 20's than now, post-divorce, in my mid 40's. In my 20's, I wanted masculinity, electricity, excitement, charisma, confidence, and sexual chemistry in a man. I had alot of fun, but dated alot of losers/alcoholics/drug addicts/dare devils/ hair temper dysfunctional knuckleheads with that criteria! Today, my idea of a good man for a relationship is someone who is honest, possesses integrity, is authentic, kind to humans and animals, loving and unafraid to express it, caring, not self-centered, not materialistic or money driven, had hobbies that interest him and a broad scope of friends and acquaintences that I deem as fairly decent people, has goals in life, is financially prudent (adheres to the financial concepts promoted by Dave Ramsey, the conservative money guy), is spiritual and believes in a higher power, and is willing to accept and love my sons as part of the package of having me in his life. And has a decent job/career that he enjoys to a reasonable extent (no job is perfect) A pretty tall order indeed, you are probably thinking. But I would argue, that what I have described, is just your basic good guy, and there are plenty of them out there. You may notice, my criteria does not include that he must be funny. I don't think being funny is a necessary part of being a great person. I can be funny enough for the both of us . Only teasing. Him having a sense of humor, and able to laugh at things in life, well that is important. But he doesn't necessarily have to 'keep me in stitches' or be a professional comedian. That is not required. The younger guys put too much emphasis on being a crack up, I sometimes think. Nor does he have to be a super model. Looks don't play a big factor for me. I joke about hot guys around here, but that's just on Love Shack. Having some sexual chemistry is definitely important. But that is an intangible that is hard to describe, and sometimes springs forth from other good qualities already inherent in the person. In real life, it is most definitely what's on the inside that counts. That counts for EVERYTHING in the long run! And two good people can work through so much. You've heard "trash in, trash out". Well, if you look for someone who isn't trash on the inside, then you have the foundation in which to build what could be a great relationship, given time and effort. At least, that's my perspective. Honesty and integrity are the nuts and bolts of what you are looking for. And to find them, you have to cultivate these qualities in yourself as well. Hope this helped somehow. Gotta run! Edited June 4, 2013 by Forever Learning 2
Ruby Slippers Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think most men just don't have the courage to approach "in the wild". So ANY guy who has that courage automatically has a significant advantage. 3
jcrew11 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My online dating experience has been... "interesting". Despite a well-written profile and good first emails only 10% of women respond. And very often (over 50% of the time) when we go out there is no chemistry. So this weekend I did something I usually don't do... I went out to a bar. Met one girl and we had our arms around each other in 15 minutes. And she is taller than I am. I'm confused. Girls on match don't go for guys shorter than they. And how come there is chemistry with girls I meet in real life but not on Match? I'm the same guy! The only thing that I can think of is that I go for what I want. I'm not the smoothest talker in the world--I'm an engineer-type which might hinder me in that department haha. At any rate I needed the boost. Met another girl last night who is 10 years younger and taller than I am and again I had my arms around her and we exchanged numbers. (She is suppa suppa smart too!) Girls like that hardly ever write me back online. Still though, very confusing. What gives?? Because you have a good personality that women like in real life. Women will choose a cool, charming, fun guy over any "height requirements" But with online dating, its very difficult to convince a girl that you are cool and fun, when they are weighing your stats - height, race, religion, profession etc. and they have other taller men to choose from with OLD, so women are more picky. But if you are right in front of a girl at a bar, its harder for her to reject you if you are a decent guy. 2
Ed the 3rd Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I found that as well, sort of. The key is to not take it seriously, I mean you are messaging girls who could have fake pics and horrible lives for all you know. Really, most online dating sites are meat markets and you have to know how to work that sort of setting to get dates. I figured it out, it wasn't that hard really, just part of playing the field. Completely true but my point is that at least for most people (If you have the magic touch on OLD all power to ya) its easier just to throw yourself out there and see if something bites. 1
Phantom888 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I think online dating is a gamble, but the payoff is great. It's perfect setup for knowing compatibility first, and chemistry (sexual compatibility) when you meet. It's very common for two people to match perfectly online, and no chemistry in real life. I was talking to my lady for a couple of weeks before we met in person. We talked for hours on the phone, and laughed a lot. We had so much in common it was almost strange. The day before we met, we told each other that it would be too cruel if the universe decided that we can't have chemistry in person. A deal-breaker (in the chemistry department) would be scent for me, and touch for her. I need a woman who smells nice to me. I don't mean perfume or anything, I mean the natural pheromone. For her, she needs a man who feels good to the touch. Needless to say, we were very glad there was intense chemistry on the 1st date. 3
shexy Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 it's well established that online dating is very tough for most men. So, there's your answer. I think it's tough for women too, honestly....you have to look like Heidi Klum, or else all you get is propositioned for sex. 1
ThaWholigan Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I think it's tough for women too, honestly....you have to look like Heidi Klum, or else all you get is propositioned for sex. The Heidi Klum's of OLD get the same treatment 3
Star Gazer Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Thanks everyone for the responses. Anyway my goals are to be a more effective dater period. Not necessarily online. I really am on a quest to (a) understand and get better with women and people and (b) meet someone amazing. And I think you're taking the right steps by asking WOMEN these questions in order to understand them better. Anyway, this is now my burning question to the women... What is it that makes you willing to go on a second date with a guy? How do you define a connection? I know it is more than just a nice conversation that flows well... Such a hard answer to articulate, but I want to address your word choice here: "Willing"? Do you want to date a woman who is "willing" to go on a second date with a guy? I'm "willing" to go on a second date with any guy I didn't find offensive in some way, who didn't completely turn me off, or who I'm not already convinced is absolutely not my match (for dealbreaker-like reasons that somehow come to light during the first date). You want the girl who wants to go on a second date with you. With that said, to answer your connection question: When I feel a "connection" with someone (male or female, romantic or platonic), it's because I feel like they "get" me, and I "get" them. Sometimes, people with very little in common have that sort of connection, but they have that connection because they understand and relate to each other on an emotional level. Sometimes, it's commonalities that forges that connection, which results in shared dreams and aspirations, and they feel understood that way. You said that your conversations "free flow" for 45 minutes, but what are those conversations made of? "Small talk Olympics," as you put it? Or are those conversations made up of stuff that speaks more to who you and she are at your core, what makes you you, what drives you, what inspires you, what makes you happy, what your fears are, what annoys you, what lights your fire? So many people decry having any sort of "serious" conversation on the first date, like it's some sort of no-no because apparently you don't want to get too heavy too fast. But for me, personally, it's sharing/exchanging the heavier stuff (and I'm not even talking all that heavy here, really) that makes me feel connected... to anyone. (It's what makes me feel connected to people here on LS - those people who really open themselves up, and bare their fears and their pain, and later their happiness and good fortune. That makes me feel like a part of their world, and they're apart of mine.) I'm not saying you have to get all deeeeeep and super seeeerious. Dates, especially first dates, are supposed to be fun. But if you're true to yourself and able to make yourself vulnerable, and laugh at yourself (and along with your date)... that's when the magic happens. That's the sweet spot. But talking about mind-numbing chit chat? Snooze fest. The most recent example I can think of is the guy I talked about before who I met through mutual friends yet also through Match. He, like me, started running just under 2 years ago. We could both sit there and talk about how much we love running, what our favorite races are, what our training currently involves, etc., etc. BORING. Or, we could (and we did) talk about what motivated us and inspired us to start running in the first place (both of our parents suddenly became ill based on lifestyle choices, and we realized we didn't want to end up like them), and what we overcame to get to where we are now (regaling nightmare stories of race performances gone awry and the resulting embarrassment, as well as the lessons learned and accomplishments thereafter). When you're nodding (literally or internally) at the person sitting across the table from you and thinking, "Yeah, yeah, I totally get it...", or you're telling your own story and recognizing on their face that they get it - THAT's "connection." And it could be about everything from lifestyle, to goals/dreams, the family you have/want, etc., etc. And then of course, there's gotta be the physical chemistry/spark, which is truly indescribable. 1
USMCHokie Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Or, we could (and we did) talk about what motivated us and inspired us to start running in the first place... Yea, the most important of the 5 W's in conversation is the why...and it's what really opens up conversation in a good way. You can talk about the whos and the whats and the whens until you both go crazy, but when you start talking about the why, it's when you actually learn about a person. As with Star's example, millions of people are serious runners, but what sets them apart is why they run. If you can't explain the why, then you're no different from those millions of other people. So for those of you who have trouble keeping a conversation afloat, focus on the why. Lead the conversation by asking her the "why's" and be prepared to give your own "why's." You'll notice that conversation expands a hundred-fold and transition between topics is fluid and natural, and you'll never feel like you've run out of things to say. 1
Star Gazer Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Yea, the most important of the 5 W's in conversation is the why...and it's what really opens up conversation in a good way. You can talk about the whos and the whats and the whens until you both go crazy, but when you start talking about the why, it's when you actually learn about a person. As with Star's example, millions of people are serious runners, but what sets them apart is why they run. If you can't explain the why, then you're no different from those millions of other people. So for those of you who have trouble keeping a conversation afloat, focus on the why. Lead the conversation by asking her the "why's" and be prepared to give your own "why's." You'll notice that conversation expands a hundred-fold and transition between topics is fluid and natural, and you'll never feel like you've run out of things to say. Beyond keeping a conversation going, it's the common or understood "why" that connects people.
USMCHokie Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Beyond keeping a conversation going, it's the common or understood "why" that connects people. Of course. The "why" is our own story. The flow of conversation is just a bonus and wasn't intended to be the primary focus... But all that aside, it does keep a conversation. You ask a girl "why," and she'll go on forever...
SJC2008 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 IMO many women miss the boat when it comes to OLD. Reading "You're profile/first message doesn't draw me in" solidifys that thought. So you want to "feel" something through a computer screen? Besides, how many of us are writers? Do you know how hard it is to trangsress your personality in an OLD summary? MOST OLD profiles I've come accross are vanilla and if I went by what some of the women here say I would of never asked a single women online out. The goal of OLD is to get a date!!! If you like his pic, have some things in common and he hasn't messaged you something sexual or lame like "Sup babe" meet up with him and see what happens.
USMCHokie Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 If you like his pic, have some things in common and he hasn't messaged you something sexual or lame like "Sup babe" meet up with him and see what happens. I think we'd all be surprised by how much this actually works... 1
ChessPieceFace Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Online dating is you staring at a computer screen. There are none of the cues of attraction present. Your critical mind is engaged and you are sitting there looking for flaws and deal-breakers, rather than meeting a person. That said, you had (what I would deem) trashy encounters with (probably) drunk women. To me that would be as fruitless as a lack of response online.
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