Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) My online dating experience has been... "interesting". Despite a well-written profile and good first emails only 10% of women respond. And very often (over 50% of the time) when we go out there is no chemistry. So this weekend I did something I usually don't do... I went out to a bar. Met one girl and we had our arms around each other in 15 minutes. And she is taller than I am. I'm confused. Girls on match don't go for guys shorter than they. And how come there is chemistry with girls I meet in real life but not on Match? I'm the same guy! The only thing that I can think of is that I go for what I want. I'm not the smoothest talker in the world--I'm an engineer-type which might hinder me in that department haha. At any rate I needed the boost. Met another girl last night who is 10 years younger and taller than I am and again I had my arms around her and we exchanged numbers. (She is suppa suppa smart too!) Girls like that hardly ever write me back online. Still though, very confusing. What gives?? Edited June 3, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) My online dating experience has been... "interesting". Despite a well-written profile and good first emails only 10% of women respond. And very often (over 50% of the time) when we go out there is no chemistry. So this weekend I did something I usually don't do... I went out to a bar. Met one girl and we had our arms around each other in 15 minutes. And she is taller than I am. I'm confused. Girls on match don't go for guys shorter than they. And how come there is chemistry with girls I meet in real life but not on Match? I'm the same guy! The only thing that I can think of is that I go for what I want. I'm not the smoothest talker in the world--I'm an engineer-type which might hinder me. At any rate I needed the boost. Met another girl last night who is 10 years younger and taller than I am and again I had my arms around her and we exchanged numbers. (She is suppa suppa smart too!) Girls like that hardly ever write me back online. What gives?? it's well established that online dating is very tough for most men. So, there's your answer. Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 You were at a bar. That environment is prone to the behavior you experienced (because she's drinking), as well as just as much flakiness after the fact as you'll find in OLD. 4
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Lol dude! You get attention from women THAT easily and you keep on bagging on me for whining about my lack of success. *shakes head* Anyway, back to your topic, it's well established that online dating is very tough for most men. So, there's your answer. Haha, no dude. If I didn't say or do anything I'd be passed over like the furniture. Nothing happens for me unless I assert myself. I'm not special. If you asserted yourself as I do you'd have all my success and maybe even more. Thanks for your answer. 1
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 You were at a bar. That environment is prone to the behavior you experienced (because she's drinking), as well as just as much flakiness after the fact as you'll find in OLD. Maybe. But even when the women aren't drinking... And it is a bit more fun having a woman flake after having a lot of fun hanging out than after a first date where you're buying drinks and trying to keep the conversation going for someone you know will never see you again. It just seems that I do a lot better meeting women "the old-fashioned way". 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Haha, no dude. If I didn't say or do anything I'd be passed over like the furniture. Nothing happens for me unless I assert myself. I'm not special. If you asserted yourself as I do you'd have all my success and maybe even more. Thanks for your answer. Oh. I've been to tons of bars. And hit on TONS of women. I've been rejected by hundreds. Often, rather badly. You need a certain baseline of good looks to be successful at bars. But I digress. You seem to have it, so keep mining it.
USMCHokie Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 My online dating experience has been... "interesting". Despite a well-written profile and good first emails only 10% of women respond. And very often (over 50% of the time) when we go out there is no chemistry. How are your pictures and stats...?
Emilia Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 It just seems that I do a lot better meeting women "the old-fashioned way". Of course. I've been saying this for years but no-one listens. You waste way less time face to face than over OLD. You can't tell what someone is like from a photo and a wall of text 2
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Well I did ask SG for advice on my profile and she gave me some great advice... I think I'm a good-looking guy haha. Anyway, if she wants to comment (and be brutally honest) she can go right ahead! 1
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 It's well-written, but I'd have to go back and see if you added any pictures where you're smiling with teeth and look like you're having fun outside the box. Muy importante! I will say though, if you wrote to me, I don't know that I'd answer, solely because I don't feel drawn in by what's there. Which is weird, given our interaction here; you're a cool, handsome dude. Hmph. So, I still think it could stand more improvement to reflect who you really are. Then again, that assumes you're trying to attract a woman like me! Haha! 2
Xinreeki Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Maybe you're just naturally better at showing off your personality etc in real life, than you are when it comes to getting it across in words on a screen? And maybe that is why you have better success with women when you have the chance to talk to them face to face? I think OLD can help shy people who struggle with dating in the real world, but to be more successful with OLD, I think you have to be very good at expressing yourself and your personality with words. And, with OLD, the more original and unique your turn of phrase, the more likely you are to catch a woman's eye and get a response.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Well I did ask SG for advice on my profile and she gave me some great advice... I think I'm a good-looking guy haha. Anyway, if she wants to comment (and be brutally honest) she can go right ahead! Obviously women do too. All I know is that if I had two women in one weekend respond to me that way in bars, I'd be milking the bar scene for all it's worth.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Online you start with compatibility and assess for chemistry when you meet. Photos can't tell you whether you will have chemistry with someone. IRL, by picking up strangers in a bar, you start with chemistry (you only approach people you find sexually attractive who are giving some cues that they might be open to you) and assess for compatibility. Are you attracted to every person walking down the street or in a bar? You picked a particular person to approach who had a certain "je ne sais quoi" that her often equally attractive friends did not. Part of that je ne sais quoi was the cues you received (a glance, a smile, whatever) before you picked her to approach. Your success rate IRL appears higher than it actually is because you are comparing apples and oranges. Of the universe of people you find attractive, and might want to date, you won't approach most because you were given subtle cues that you would be rejected. You never think about these. You smile at an attractive woman, she turns her back or doesn't return your smile, for example. Now if she held your gaze or smiled, you would progress things...possibly. Maybe make a remark to start a conversation (the equivalent of your first online message). Online, those cues are missing, so you progress with the whole universe of who you like and send them all a first message, rather than just sending it to the select few who gave some cue of interest. Some will smile back (respond). Most, as IRL, will turn their back (ignore your message). 2
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Obviously women do too. All I know is that if I had two women in one weekend respond to me that way in bars, I'd be milking the bar scene for all it's worth. If you were within driving distance of DC or Baltimore I would take you out. You would see that (a) I'm nothing special, I just put myself out there (and get my share of rejections too) and (b) looks matter a lot less than what you think--it's more about tonality body language even what you say. Hell, it's dark they can hardly see your face! 1
mammasita Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Ive had MANY crushes on guys IRL that I would never speak to based on their pictures on dating sites. Downfall of OLD I suppose.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Maybe. But even when the women aren't drinking... And it is a bit more fun having a woman flake after having a lot of fun hanging out than after a first date where you're buying drinks and trying to keep the conversation going for someone you know will never see you again. It just seems that I do a lot better meeting women "the old-fashioned way". How are you defining better? I don't know what your dating goals are, but I'll assume it's to get beyond having a couple of dates each time. Is this happening when you use the bar scene? Are you getting what you want with the type of women you want? If so, then yes, focus more heavily on the bar scene. 4
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If you were within driving distance of DC or Baltimore I would take you out. You would see that (a) I'm nothing special, I just put myself out there (and get my share of rejections too) and (b) looks matter a lot less than what you think--it's more about tonality body language even what you say. Hell, it's dark they can hardly see your face! I actually am, but won't be taking you up on your offer. I've actually been to bars in Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan, Arlington, Inner Harbor, and around Annapolis. It was more a response to your OP than a whine. If you can do well in the bar scene, why not milk that? Right? Don't even worry about online.
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 How are you defining better? I don't know what your dating goals are, but I'll assume it's to get beyond having a couple of dates each time. Is this happening when you use the bar scene? Are you getting what you want with the type of women you want? If so, then yes, focus more heavily on the bar scene. I agree with these inquiries. What is "better"? Responsiveness? Flirtation? You haven't gone beyond that to know if you've really been successful, ya know?
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) I agree with these inquiries. What is "better"? Responsiveness? Flirtation? You haven't gone beyond that to know if you've really been successful, ya know? Cutiepie and Star Gazer: I would define "better" as getting physical (I'm a guy--although it is mattering less and less--sex isn't that hard to come by honestly) and going beyond a couple of dates. Even if it ends in friendship. I've had that happen a couple of times off-line. BUT as my ultimate goal is to end up in a relationship with an amazing woman (and not just have some physical fun or make a cool new friend) I would not define myself as "fully successful". More as on my way there Edited June 3, 2013 by Imajerk17
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I would define "better" as getting physical (I'm a guy) and going beyond a couple of dates. Even if it ends in friendship. I've had that happen a couple of times off-line. From random meetings in bars? Or, where? BUT as my ultimate goal is to end up in a relationship with an amazing woman (and not just have some physical fun or make a new friend) I would not define myself as "successful". More as on my way there You and me both, friend. Admittedly, the most optimistic situation before me right now is with someone who I met through mutual friends who coincidentally was also on Match (and it's through that website that we first corresponded after meeting, because we didn't know each other's full name for FB or have each others' numbers; now we do). We'd both seen each other on Match but never made contact of any kind. Honestly, his profile didn't do it for me at all. But having met him in person through different avenues, I was a little taken with him. It just goes to show how a profile doesn't necessarily translate, even when a guy puts in effort in OLD. I'd make some suggestions as to how he could improve his profile, but obviously I have reasons why I don't want to do that. 1
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) From random meetings in bars? Or, where? Honestly, the grocery store. It's typically where I approach. I have also met a girl last year on the streets of my home town (she is from out of town) and we still keep in touch. Although I am rather taken with the girl I met last night, which was at a bar. Basically if I see a girl I want to meet I meet her. You and me both, friend. Admittedly, the most optimistic situation before me right now is with someone who I met through mutual friends who coincidentally was also on Match (and it's through that website that we first corresponded after meeting, because we didn't know each other's full name for FB or have each others' numbers; now we do). We'd both seen each other on Match but never made contact of any kind. Honestly, his profile didn't do it for me at all. But having met him in person through different avenues, I was a little taken with him. It just goes to show how a profile doesn't necessarily translate, even when a guy puts in effort in OLD. I'd make some suggestions as to how he could improve his profile, but obviously I have reasons why I don't want to do that. Yeah. OLD is an artificial environment. Even "first meets" from OLD are artificial I must say. I dub it the "Small Talk Olympics". You're meeting someone without any context and there really isn't much of a story about how you met--e.g., "I saw her across the street and I dashed across and got her attention just before she got in her car and she was impressed with my boldness...". I hope it works out with you and this new guy! Edited June 3, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) Seriously though. Forgive me if I am displaying ignorance here but I don't know of any rom-com or romance novel that starts out with anything like "It was the start of a meet-and-greet at Starbucks". A guy could have an amazing profile and be perfect for the girl but how is he going to make a strong impression there? He is more or less stuck to having the same conversation the girl had with all the other guys she met online. He actually would have been better off making contact with her *for the very first time* at that Starbucks with her just going in for her coffee not expecting anything, and he approaching her out of the blue. Then she would have a story to tell. Edited June 3, 2013 by Imajerk17
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Seriously though. Forgive me if I am displaying ignorance here but I don't know of any rom-com or romance novel that starts out with anything like "It was the start of a meet-and-greet at Starbucks". A guy could have an amazing profile and be perfect for the girl but how is he going to make a strong impression there? He is more or less stuck to having the same conversation the girl had with all the other guys she met online. That's really not true. The conversations I have online are as varied as the conversations in bars. It really depends on how I'm approached. Most of it has to do with the initial email. "Hi" or "What's up?" gets you nowhere, even if you're a Ryan Reynolds clone and your profile is awesome. "Hi, I liked your profile. Care to chat?" or "You're really pretty!" also gets you nowhere. Writing me something witty that I can relate to and that also shows me that you read my profile and relate to it in some way, or some cute comment that makes me laugh or smile? If I'm available and not otherwise distracted with someone else? Even if your profile is just average, you can bet you'll get a response, and a nice one at that. Pretend you just saw my profile and are contacting me. What do you write in your message to me? Word for word. 3
Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Also, women aren't looking for a "meet cute" rom-com story to tell. They're looking for a guy they connect with, regardless of how he makes himself known to her for the first time. 2
Author Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) Damn SG you're going to give me coaching too... Awesome and thank you Star Gazer! This is an email I sent a girl...she said she loves doing cartwheels... Can you really still do them? Cartwheels. Most people can't. If you can I am impressed. If we meet up I might have you demonstrate though [laughs]. Well I think you more or less described me, and I am from New England too. Although I do drive too fast from time to time...hey I'm Italian! I like what you have to say and I look forward to hearing back from you... Jerk Edited June 3, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
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