d0620 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I couldn't understand why I allowed myself to be with someone who for 10 months never committed to be with only me and took far more than he was willing to give. I kept making excuses for his behavior and hoping he would change his mind a commit to me one day. Inside I knew it wasn't probable, but in an attempt to save my dignity I tried anyway. After all, I couldn't have possibly did all I have for nothing. NC has forced me into a depression. During these many days in bed all I did was reflect on my life and this relationship. That's where I realized that I co dependent. It's not my ex's fault, its mine. NC is really hard for several reasons, 1. Because I am dealing with losing someone I love while also in the process of finding someone I love "Myself". 2. Because its lonely and scary, it's like detox and breaking an addiction. 3. Because I fear that I will not find someone to replace him, but most of all I fear that the next girl will come and claim the prize that I worked so hard to win. After thinking about the situation I realize that after getting to know this man both sick and well, that he couldn't possibly make me happy because he is rude, selfish, and a womanizer. Once again my co dependency steps in because even though I knew all this stuff from the beginning, I stayed and I loved him anyway. He was always emotionally unavailable to me. Now the hard part, letting go It's hard to give up on my dreams and what I wanted him to be. Hard to accept that my best was not good enough, hard to accept that I sacrificed myself and my resources for someone who didn't appreciate it. It hurts quite frankly. My every emotion and thought was obsessed with him and now I have to focus on myself. I don't even know where to begin. I sleep all the time and I have pains in my chest. It takes all my strength to keep from riding past his house and texting him even after knowing all these things. I feel pathetic.
mammasita Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I understand completely how you feel. I highly recommend this book - I read it immediately after my break up and it was like a ray of light. Women Who Love Too Much: Robin Norwood: Amazon.com: Kindle Store
Author d0620 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I am reading this book and it has helped a lot. Thanks
Infomercials Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I'm doing the same thing, but it was six years for me. I would say you know the best, but I believe that people CAN change. I just realize now that I can't change him. However, we can change ourselves. I'm reading that same book actually. I can't lie and say that I don't hope my ex will change and figure things out and come back to me. Right now, though, I'm just trying to focus on me. I need to learn how to let go, and I need to learn how to love myself.
Author d0620 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 This book has taught me that it was wrong to love him in the first place and we need to focus on breaking addictive dating behaviors. Tough day for me, but at least my urge is not to profess my love, my urge was anger and sadness. Most important I haven't acted upon it.
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