Phateless Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Yesterday I broke off a 5-year relationship with many ups and down because in my gut, moving in just did not feel right. Now I'm freaking out and wondering how this can possibly be the right decision when we both want to be together and I love our time together? I keep thinking there is nowhere I'd rather be than on the couch with her and the dog. When I was with her I felt pressured and in my gut I didn't feel like I was super into the relationship, but now I'm thinking that was just simple fear of commitment. I love her and want to be with her, so why when I was with her did it not feel right?
youngnlove89 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Can't wait to see the responses! I'm currently dating my commitment phobe. Going on for over 2 years now. Back and forth. Up and down. He breaks up, misses me. We get back together. I break up (fear of him doing it first), miss each other. We get back together. You know what I've done now? I just stay. Right where I am at. No more breaking up. Because obviously this breaking up stuff isn't working for us. We keep getting back together. So what is the point? So you either need to stay and work on it. Or leave and don't look back. One question: What is more painful, being with her and unsure of your feelings or being without her and unsure of your feelings? 1
tbf Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Phateless, can you forget your ex-relationship for a second and consider the future. What kind of person and relationship structure would be reasonably optimum? 1
Author Phateless Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Phateless, can you forget your ex-relationship for a second and consider the future. What kind of person and relationship structure would be reasonably optimum? Great to see you and your new name again, TBF! I'll write out a detailed list when I have more time, this is a great idea. 1
tbf Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Great to see you and your new name again, TBF! I'll write out a detailed list when I have more time, this is a great idea.Good to know you're still alive and working through your issues. Please do. It might help whether you remain in your relationship by communicating your vision to her or in any future relationship, whether superimposing it on a potential partner or realizing how an existing relationship doesn't work. Can your partner do the same and if there's fallout, identify where the two concepts don't meet? 1
eleve82 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I thought it was interesting when a commitment phobe got married Katy Perry, he talked about how he was able to overcome his commitment issues. He was very honest about it and confessed that the notion of "spending eternity" with just one woman was daunting but he knew he loved her and wanted to be with her and so to avoid feeling overwhelmed, he focused on how he felt NOW at that moment and it has worked. That being said I've also dated someone for 5+ years and he still hasn't got a clue if he wants to be with me so I've no bloody clue. 1
eleve82 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Btw that commitment phobe was Russell Brand. Too bad just as he committed, Katy couldn't commit due to her career! Lol 1
Author Phateless Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Btw that commitment phobe was Russell Brand. Too bad just as he committed, Katy couldn't commit due to her career! Lol The perfect woman to commit to - no danger of any real commitment.
Woggle Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 People who get caught up with commitment phobes tend to be afraid of commitment themselves. 3
Author Phateless Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 How are you doing, Phate? Ok, I guess, thanks for checking on me. I haven't really had time to move out of my place yet because work has been insane, although I have been living with her. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's frustrating, but we're doing ok. I really miss being able to set things up my way, and I do like having my own space. I really don't know where to begin as far as getting rid of stuff. I have way too much random stuff, and I don't want to keep most of it, but it's hard to get rid of it and I don't know what to do with it. My mom asked if I'm enjoying living with her or if I'm tolerating it, and at the moment it feels more like the latter, although it's hard to tell if it's her or the situation. Most of the time I would rather go home to my own room where I have everything set up my way. I just can't shake this feeling that whatever is making me unhappy is more about me than her, and that I will continue to feel the exact same way no matter who I'm with, until I solve that problem.
Author Phateless Posted August 4, 2013 Author Posted August 4, 2013 People who get caught up with commitment phobes tend to be afraid of commitment themselves. Agreed, though not sure how you're applying that to my situation.
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 I thought it was interesting when a commitment phobe got married Katy Perry, he talked about how he was able to overcome his commitment issues. He was very honest about it and confessed that the notion of "spending eternity" with just one woman was daunting but he knew he loved her and wanted to be with her and so to avoid feeling overwhelmed, he focused on how he felt NOW at that moment and it has worked. And they divorced about a... year later? Of course nobody but those two can really know why.
tbf Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 Phateless, ever notice that no matter what the situation, you've always got one foot out the door?
Author Phateless Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Phateless, ever notice that no matter what the situation, you've always got one foot out the door? Yes, and you're not the first to use that expression.
sweet-pixie Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I know that feeling of leaving someone but still wanting to be with them after. My boyfriend and I have left each other more than a few times. But managed to find each again. Living with someone is hard I've done it for one year so far. It takes a lot of getting used to and isn't easy. It makes me happy coming home to my boyfriend though. I think you just have to see whether in that time you guys are apart if you feel more complete with or with her. I would try to communicate your feelings with her.
JitteryCoffeeBean Posted October 25, 2013 Posted October 25, 2013 I'll tell you about my mothers 10 year relationship with her boyfriend. Now fiance. My mother is a very independent woman. A survivor of an abusive marriage and has shown life that she can succeed on her own. She met her current partner 10 or so years ago. They have not ONCE lived together and they're both in their 50's! They see each other maybe twice a week and, although the topic of marriage has come up, my mother still wants to be independent and he seems to be okay with that. Imagine that. Married and living separately. Regarding your situation, perhaps you were just not ready to live with her? It doesn't mean you don't love her. You just may like your own personal space and to have your own apartment. There is nothing wrong with that! I haven't gone through all the posts yet, but if you still love her, call her up and explain. Hopefully she'll understand
Recommended Posts