CurlyIam Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 Hi, Lainie There is no sense in trying to decide right now what to do. You obviouly cannot do it. Deciding your life with a man who's been part of it for so long is the end of a long and very painful process. Try to live again. Try to make peace with yourself. Let the pain in so that it can go out. After a while, after the hurt and the anger and the dispair are gone, you'll see if there's any love left. Each person is different, my friend. If you have faith in him, let him come back to you. But if you're just used to have him in your life, let him go. After a while, you'll grow to hate him. You have to very brave. You have to have the courage to look into your heart and see what's there. And then even more courage to live up to it. For the moment take your time and heal. The answer will still be there once you're ready to face it. Curly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lainie Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Firstly let me say thankyou to everyone for your advice and support. You have no idea how important it is to me right now. Curly, Thankyou for understanding. My friends keep asking me if i've made a decision yet, and this frustrates me because it's not like deciding what coloured undies to wear today. He has been a large part of my life, and a very significant part of my life for 4 years. I know some people may think that i'm crazy, but i can't make a decision right now. I feel lost. I need time. It only happened a week ago. I'm not having any contact with him at the moment because i need to be on my own to sort through all this stuff. I'm torn. I can see the positives and negatives to both sides of the coin. I just don't know which way to turn. Maybe in time, it will become clearer for me, but for now i'm in limbo. You have no idea how much i loved this man. I adored him, maybe i loved him too much. what he has done has shattered me. So for now, I cope, hour by hour, because i can't think ahead any longer than that. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Remember that pain is good. Hurting and crying and loving ang hating. It is a natural process. Don't fight it. I know your friens wish you well. But this is a very important turning point for you. More important than pressuring you into making a decision, they should be there for you. Remind them that it is your life, your choice, your relationship, your right to intimacy. You don't have to explain anything to anybody. Of course I understand what a deep relationship is. I was with my ex for 4 years also. And even though the love was gone at the end, it still was the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life: to break up with him. He didn't love me right, I had stopped loving him for some time. And yet we believed so much in eachother. That was the hardest part: splitting up. Not being in his life, him not being in mine. And I was not inlove with him... May I ask how did you come about a receipt that was almost 2 years old? It's just a bit fishy... Link to post Share on other sites
cateinaus Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 It only happened once cos that is all you KNOW of. If you stayed, it would have occured again whether with a prostitute or someone else. What about one day if you were pregnant/in hospital giving birth/away visiting your parents etc. You would never be able to trust him again and so you would question everything, every moment for the rest of your lives together. Is that what you want? Go through the pain now and get it over with or live with the pain and memory of what he did forever-if you stay with him. A tiger doesn't change his stripes. Get someone you deserve and leave this wanker to his level without taking you down with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 You are greiving the loss of the relationship... Thats where the crying and pain come from but a neccessary part to your recovery ! I remember my pain finally after all these months has dulled to a quiet ache and a definate need to move on. Nobody can understand your pain ! You have to do whatever it takes to get through it Even if that means POURING HONEY OVER YOUR X WHILE HES SITTING IN A PILE OF RED ANTS ! Fantasize your revenge ! You dont have to act on any of it but its a healthy way to visualize your X stranded on the highway totally naked while a bus of serial killers drive by... lol AND READ THESE POSTS DAILY ! That was such a BIG help to me during my loss Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lainie Posted October 11, 2004 Author Share Posted October 11, 2004 Has anyone successfully gone back to their partners after they cheated on them? Or does it only open up a can of more misery? He has sent me a dozen roses just the other day. I'm not sure whether this relationship is worth saving or not. I'm so hurt. But it appears that he is willing to make an effort to patch things up. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 11, 2004 Share Posted October 11, 2004 Relationships HAVE been rebuilt after cheating. It is possible. I don't know how much the roses mean to you...but if my bf patronized a hooker and then sent me flowers as a way to express remorse, I'd stuff them in the trash and not want to see roses again for the rest of my life. The reason you are hurting is not lack of flower shipments...it is because of broken trust, and the feeling that a relationship which was EVERYTHING to you was...shall, we say, not exactly SACRED to him. If he wants to repair that, he needs to use ACTIONS (not WORDS) to demonstrate how much the relationship means to him, and how much he is willing to sacrifice to preserve it, and rebuild trust. HE MUST take a proactive approach to this. You gave him your trust before, and he abused it, so now, the ball is in his court. Somehow, I think that he won't be able to do it. As far as "hooker" vs. "lover/gf/one night pickup" goes...all are bad. I admit that I have an instinctive pukey feel when I hear hooker/prostitute. It's a stigma that goes back many millennia, and I might not be able to fully rationalize it in this modern world. But that "icky" feeling is real: prostitutes seem "dirty", and a man who uses a prostitute is also dirty in a way that the usual man-about-town is not. Unfair? Perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lainie Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 I'm finding it so very hard to cope. I find myself having very stupid thoughts. The pain of this situation is f**ken hard. I never thought that i could feel such pain. I keep trying to make sense of this all. How could he do this? Is it possible that he was happy with me and could still do this? Was the temptation too strong? Was it a one off mistake that some people make? Did i do something wrong? I love him so much, but i feel like i dont know him now because the bf i knew could never do this to me. What threw me was his extreme tenderness and loving behaviour. I believe he really loved me and now i feel like such a fool. I dont know what to do? I desperatley need some help...... anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Just give him another damn chance then. F*ck it, people make mistakes. Tell him to make damn sure it NEVER happens again. But follow YOUR heart. Don't be torn over a bunch of stuff internet strangers are recommending that you do. You know him AND the situation. We, on the other hand, DO NOT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lainie Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 Tikibrandy, Thankyou. I have all these opinions coming in from people as well as my own thoughts and i just dont know what to do. I feel like i'm at a crossroads and i dont know where to go. I feel lost. What is the right decision to make? Whoe knows, do we ever really know??? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 Only you know. Practice forgiveness and see what happens. He owes you big for this though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lainie Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 I was considering giving him a trial, To see whether i could go back or not. There are many issues that i need to work out. I thought if igave him a trial, I could find out for myself, how i would cope with this, and if , indeed i could. I know he owes me big time, and i guess only time will tell. I just dont know if i'm making the right decision or just allowing him to further humiliate me. Will i appear weak if i take him back??? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 No. But you MUST not continue to hold this against him. The art of forgiveness is not one sided. You have to "let it go" too. Don't beat it into the ground. Listen, this is your choice. You know this man. We do not. Do what you think is right. Quit waiting for people to justify the need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lainie Posted October 12, 2004 Author Share Posted October 12, 2004 Thanks Tikibrandy, Your advise means a lot to me. You have no idea. Thanks again. It's truley amazing what we do for love..... Link to post Share on other sites
DJ_Dork Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by ck_guy02 This is purely my opinion: That is not only sick, but totally disgusting. There is no excuse in the world, even if you were drunk or anything like that. That is exactly how STD's and aids gets distributed to unkowing girlfriends and wives. He is a poor excuse for a man. A real man would never choose to pay for sex from a disease carrying prostitute. If he is willing to pay for sex, how can you ever trust him again? Let me ask all you guys out there.... if your girl slept with a total stranger, and even paid him for it.... would you feel comfortable having sex with them again or TRUSTING them again???? Get rid of him..... you don't want anyone who messes with chances on aids or worse..... Dude you crack me up. How many of us GUYS have to go through those 3-8 dates before we get any action. We'd spend well over $200 and many tons of hours to go through crap just to get in their pants. Girls know this and take advantage of dudes by making them pay for stuff or put time. From your point of view it seems like it's some moral standpoint. Having sex with a prostitute is not a big thing, how the hell do you know that girl's history you're dating with anyways. Basically it's like a one-night stand except you're paying for it and you're getting quality sex. Besides it doesn't seem like he doesn't really want to have a relationship with this girl, who cares. Link to post Share on other sites
Urban Rubble01 Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 People really need to stop this moralizing and give advice objectively. It should not be an issue of whether he went to a prostitute or not. Personally, I have no problems with prostitution except for the fact that many women are forced into it due to circumstance. I think prositution would be fine if it were legalized and the women had more of a choice. We should not be giving advice with the thought that this man is a dog because he slept with a prostitute. He's a dog because he cheated. It's not fair to judge him because he paid the girl. I personally would never patronize a prostitute, but I know people who have (not while involved) and I see no problem with it. Then again, I'm no moralist. I'll told you what I told you before. Only you can make this decision. You have to analyze a number of things. How you feel about him, can you learn to trust him, are you willing to try. Things like that. There is a good chance he's a bastard and will hurt you again. However, there is also a chance that deep down he isn't a bastard and he made a human mistake. Yeah, it was a big mistake, but don't let people tell you that there is no other option than that he's scum, because that may not be true. I've seen many good men make horrible mistakes that were out of character. People here are advising you from an emotional standpoint (probably due to their own bad experiences) that isn't good. You need objective advice. I'm telling you, it's not so clear. Good people do bad things often. If he's a good guy then there is hope, he can change and he can learn from this. If he's not a good guy he will hurt you again. It is up to you and you alone to make the decision. Can you gamble on this or is it not worth it ? Personally, I'd say the chances are fairly high of this blowing up, but that doesn't mean that it's inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lainie Posted October 16, 2004 Author Share Posted October 16, 2004 I know this sounds crazy, but this is so out of character for him to do. I still really can't understand why he did it. I would never have in a million years ever dreamed that he could do this. It just doesn't seem in him to do. But what on earth would possess him to sleep with a hooker? We weren't fighting, our relationship was going great, our sex life was great, what's the deal? A moment of insanity???? It just doesn't make sense! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 A moment of Insanity ? Hardly. He saw something he wanted and with some tempting ( or none at all ) he had sex with her. Ouch ! Link to post Share on other sites
clayrains Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Originally posted by nyguidette ...this isn't just cheating. In all honesty, you have to be a really LOW person to sleep with a prostitute. So cheating with a total stranger is wrong but it's even more wrong if you PAY to sleep with a total stranger? I don't understand that logic. From what moral authority such as the Koran, Bible etc, do you support that position. As far as all I've ever read in the Bible, all sex before marriage is equally wrong. It's funny how some people have this pseudo-moral code that's totally manmade and based only on their own prejudices. #1) These two people weren't married, so it was just as wrong when THEY had sex with each other. #2) Cheating is cheating whether it was with a friend, sister, prostitute or total stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
opaleye Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 clayrains- you don't have to base your morals on the Bible or any other source- many people believe that the Bible is just as manmade as any other moral viewpoint you might be talking about. Not everyone believes that sex before marriage is wrong- that's just your view which is based on the Bible. Some people might think that it's more moralistic to decide their views on their own thoughts than to base their beliefs on what the Bible says. Fair enough for you to have your own morals but remember that not everyone believes what you believe and you have no more right to blast their views than they yours. Link to post Share on other sites
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