Just smile Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I've been on here , on and off for a year, been with the man five years . To fast forward you and not bore you with details. Over the Christmas holidays he went through a depression, broke up with me before holidays and I was traumatized with depression, he left to do whatever he did, took off to visit family in another state, and during that time, drove two hours to visit with his ex girfriend and her friends, he has always remained friends with this woman, who is ten years my senior. He always reassured me it wasnt sexual. But who knows. When he came back after the new year he began calling me again, it took me several weeks to build the courage to meet him, and when I did, he gave me a " promise ring" a beautiful diamond ring, absolutely beautiful and for that commitment phobe man it spoke volumes. For the next several months things were beautiful. Trips to bermuda, dinners, more time spent together than ever, but still never interacting with my kids which has always been an issue.... This time, I must take the blame, I have trust issues with him and alot of time experience doubt, insecurities and jealousy. I'm a attractive woman, for my age, 45. And never been a needy jealous woman, but this man has brought out the worst in me at times. When we go out, he never wants to stay out late, always home by 8 in bed by 9 night done. Most recently he tells me he is out with his buddies and is out really really late at a local pick up joint known as cougar bar. I was furious. Immature I know. He is ten years older than me, sexual dis functions, and many issues, allof which I have accepted and took on. Well, he broke,upmwith me yet again. Saying same thing as always, can't give u what u want, what u need, blah blah blah.please don't call or text me, and please find someone else. As usual I'm a mess. The ping pong , the ride has begun again, and again, I'm depressed with my life and situation. I just need some advice.. Please.
oberon84 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I don't really know the whole background of your relationship, but my advice would be not to hang all your hopes for happiness on someone else. Especially someone who seems so reluctant and flakey. He said he can't give you what you want and to find someone else. It's sound advice, but i'm not sure he really means it. First and foremost, find your own happiness and then everything will change for the better.
youngnlove89 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Welcome to the commitment phobe club. Jeez, this is starting to be more well known. Every time I come on here, it's another thread where the guy can't commit. Makes me wonder if commitment is really the issue? Anyways, I'm sorry. I'm going through this too. On and off with the same guy for over 2 years now. We are currently on. But I've been the one to end things with him the last 10 times I broke up. First 6 months into our relationship he broke up with me 3 times. He always came back, but it made me grow this fear that he would break up with me again so I'd "beat" him to it. It's a tough situation. It's not fun. What other traits does this guy have? You can read my thread, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/396971-second-chances-heck-i-m-my-sixteenth Has a lot of good advice on there.
Author Just smile Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 If u can somehow how read my old posts from several months ago you will see. His traits are many: very quirky guy, has erictile disjunction, most recently began taking testostorne meds to increase testostorne levels which hasn't really worked. He could never get it up. Yet , at times our sex life was very passionate and fulfilling, but not alot. I'm young still and wanted to be close to him,,he would tell me sex is all I care about and he had performance anxiety. Ugh, well. It seems when he was away on business he was always " aroused. And would ask me to have Skype sex with him while he masturbated, this was frustrating to me! His kids who are grown women hate me. They tell him, I'm too young for him and will break his heart, they've treated me with disrespect and he never put a stop to it. The last time we got back together we started spending more time together than our every other weekends which we played house. This time, he is in process of buying a home, he never really spoke to me about it and boom is moving 45 misnutes away and this made me uncomfortable because I'm the one always doing the leg work in the relationship. He swore to me nothing would change, but this brought on new feelings for me that we will always be in a dead end with no future ever. Recently he said I like our relationship, I have no intention of marriage or living together but I will always remain faithful because you are all the woman I need, you leave little room for me to want anything from any other woman. But he said... I don't want to be with you ALL the time. Basically he is saying just when HE wants to see me. All of these things leave me feeling insecure. Like, what's wrong with me? So I think he is always looking for the next best one . I went into a silly jealous rage the other night when he was out with the guys, it was silly, but at the same time, I'm struggling financially as a single mom, and never ever in 4 years have ever asked him for money. I'm very independent. But im struggling now, and he is financially secure. He never helps me, or offers to help me with anything. Nor, does he understand I have a lot of stress and responsibility in my shoulders, unlike his ex wife who sits in her ass all day while he shells out thousands of dollars a week in child support. I'm resentful. And angry. He broke it off with me telling me he can't deal with the stress of our relationship, he says im gonna give him a heart attack. That I'm too jealous , and not to contact him anymore.,hes done. The last time we went through this, as always he comes back screaming how much he can't live without me. Promising me his love will be unconditional. But it never lasts long. Everyone tells me to wake up, my head tells me to walk. But my heart loves him deeply and wants him with me.despite all the bull****. I believe he is a narcissit. Even though physically older and not so attractive. He has not contacted me at all. It's been three days. I know if he loved me this wouldn't be happening. But I'm still depressed and conflicted. And oh so angry, with myself for being needy. Because I've always be a strong, independent take no **** kinda woman.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Strong, independent women change their numbers and avoid the ex as much as possible. You don't need him. He's added grief and if you expect him to come back, expect him to treat you like a ping pong and break up with you again. Only you can break the cycle. So move on. Don't talk to him and dont listen to him beg. If he bothers you, call the cops cause you sure as hell don't need his drama.
Author Just smile Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 & I know this. But I can't seem to break the cycle, and I just want to know WHY DOES HE ALWAYS COME BACK?
Phoebe Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 My mum and her boyfriend were on/off again throughout their entire relationship. They were "together" for about 15-20 years (not sure exactly when they started, I just can't remember a time when he wasn't in the picture). They would have an argument, he'd go back to his place, a few days or weeks might go past then they would get back together again. It got to the point that my mum would be telling us kids that everything was over, that every time they split they lost something from the relationship, and that THIS time was definitely the time they were going to stay separated for good. I don't think it took too long for us to completely stop believing her. Towards the end he didn't even consider it a separation just some time apart, while my mum would be giving us the usual breakup spiel. She wasn't happy, she wasn't appreciated and he didn't stand by her in times of trouble. I think that she was too scared of starting over with someone new so she kept going back to the devil she knew. The only reason this on/off again relationship ended was because he died. She did end up finding someone new, and although he had his own different issues she seemed so much happier and loved. I guess basically what I'm saying is to go NC, you don't want to be in the same ping pong situation in 5, 10, 15 years time. You can find happiness without him.
Zahara Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 & I know this. But I can't seem to break the cycle, and I just want to know WHY DOES HE ALWAYS COME BACK? He comes back because you are always available to accepting him. What man won't keep coming back when he knows no matter how much he keeps ping ponging you around, you're still there to cater to his needs. It's not that you can't break the cycle, you just choose not to.
Phoebe Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 & I know this. But I can't seem to break the cycle, and I just want to know WHY DOES HE ALWAYS COME BACK? Because you give him what he wants when he wants and you always take him back. He isn't interested in a mature healthy relationship with you, he's only interested in fulfilling his own needs.
mammasita Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 & I know this. But I can't seem to break the cycle, and I just want to know WHY DOES HE ALWAYS COME BACK? because YOU Let him. I wish I could scream this to you from the rooftop of the highest building. only YOU can stop him from coming back.
Author Just smile Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I know you are all right. He does what he want for days or weeks, ( last time it was over 2 and half weeks no contact, but he was happy and busy basking his ass in the sun etc. then back home, lonely and silly me, fell for it once again. I have a **** load of clothing, jewelry and belongings at his house , I do not want to get them ,nor do I want them sent here! I'm sure his children are thrilled and his ex wife to hear I'm gone. H always brags when he breaks it off with me. He is 55 years old and very immature. Pompous and callous. I'm so angry and hurt,
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Welcome to the commitment phobe club. Jeez, this is starting to be more well known. Every time I come on here, it's another thread where the guy can't commit. Makes me wonder if commitment is really the issue? This may sting a bit, but here's the thing… It's not that someone is a 'commitment-phoebe'. I believe this is actually a false term and really has no meaning. The fact of the matter is that they just didn't want to commit to you. They could turn around and be 100% committed to the next person. I think this term is designed to put some sort of label on someone who has decided to leave you or stick around with no intention of committing to you. Again, not trying to be harsh as this happened to me too. Just seems that label really makes no sense. Unless you know, for a fact, this is a repeat pattern, occurring many, many times for this person… And, it's not just guys. It can be anyone who just doesn't want to commit to us. Man or woman!!
youngnlove89 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Remember when you said all this: All negative traits of my ex: Low testostorne. Limp dick Low sex drive due to above Strange fetishes of wanting to be peed on ( yea strange) I know Porn love despite his inability to screw me,,he would rather jerkoff than perform Kept an arsenal of sex toys for back up. Wack job. Kept in close contact with his fat old ugly transvesitie looking ex girlfriend on back burner and when I would react he would call me jealous and insecure. Big show off Would buy women drinks in bars Had a wandering eye. But would deny it and claim I'm once again jealous and insecure. And crazy On a ****load of meds just to get thru the day and Xanax to sleep Kids hated my guts and they were both horribly spoiled 23 and 17 BRATS Ex wife was a cold hearted greedy thorn in my side who he also kept in his back pocket. He was a pussy never standing up for me Didn't want to be around my kids...ever Never would come to my home I always had to go to his Selfish Self centered Cold Manipulating Condescending and calculating Indifferent Evasive Cunning Devious I believe he got off on making me jealous and now devaluing me and discarding. Compartmentalize the entire relationship only taking me off the shelf when bored, lonely or needed. Hold onto that. Focus on the bad. It was all bad. He is bad. You are good. You deserve the best. Remember this. 1
Zahara Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 You can ask a friend to pick up your belongings or ask them to contact him to arrange pick-up. If these things aren't important to you then let it go. Only you can break the cycle. It's isn't his responsibility to do that for you. 2
mammasita Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I know you are all right. He does what he want for days or weeks, ( last time it was over 2 and half weeks no contact, but he was happy and busy basking his ass in the sun etc. then back home, lonely and silly me, fell for it once again. I have a **** load of clothing, jewelry and belongings at his house , I do not want to get them ,nor do I want them sent here! I'm sure his children are thrilled and his ex wife to hear I'm gone. H always brags when he breaks it off with me. He is 55 years old and very immature. Pompous and callous. I'm so angry and hurt, I'm like you, we think we can love someone enough to make them want to be a better person. You KNOW he's an immature ass, all the love in the world won't change him.....
youngnlove89 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 This may sting a bit, but here's the thing… It's not that someone is a 'commitment-phoebe'. I believe this is actually a false term and really has no meaning. The fact of the matter is that they just didn't want to commit to you. They could turn around and be 100% committed to the next person. I think this term is designed to put some sort of label on someone who has decided to leave you or stick around with no intention of committing to you. Again, not trying to be harsh as this happened to me too. Just seems that label really makes no sense. Unless you know, for a fact, this is a repeat pattern, occurring many, many times for this person… And, it's not just guys. It can be anyone who just doesn't want to commit to us. Man or woman!! True, BUT when a guy hasn't committed to any of the woman he has dated and has a fear of getting close or letting someone in, then it has something to do with HIM and their commitment issues. No girl will ever be good enough because he won't let them.
Author Just smile Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I do know he is a commitment phobe. He was married twice. Both marriages ended, first one was the love of his life,,she cheated on him and boom he became an alcoholic and met his second wife in a meeting, knocked her up and married her to do the right thing, marriage ended, and he went on ( according to him) to have THREE serious relationships all of which ended because he would not commit the way these women wanted. I feel if I had no children, he would of married me long ago, this man wants nothing to do with my kids. He won't come over my home , he feels uncomfortable, doesn't interact with my little ones who are 10 and 11, I have a 20 year old and 17 year old,never tried to gain friendships with them either. Hey, I know the writing is on the wall. I'm majority ****ed up here. Why I allow this abuse is the question. Why I want him back ? Do I crave this insane drama? He brings nothing to the table for my life, I am a part time girlfriend. Needless to say, doesn't make me feel less depressed .
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