Granin Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 No particular sob story here, just recently I've been through a couple of rejections with girls I liked quite a lot, and it's taking a bit of a toll on my happiness and confidence, but I find I'm getting better at dealing with it. I was wondering if people could share their own rejection stories and practical tips on how to deal with it? Things you did, changes you made, mental paradigms you used to cheer yourself up and get back in the game quicker and healthier. Stuff I can use Personally I think I might have a bit of a problem with handling rejection. At least with girls I like a lot. I don't think it should knock me down as much as it does and I seem to be susceptible to depression after a rejection. I don't mean just any girl, but girls I've taken some time to get to know and asked out or been on less than 3 dates with. Most people I know seem to brush it off within that same day or at least within a few days, but I find it takes me a few weeks, a least with girls I genuinely admire and like. I can't just brush it off, but I'd like to. Maybe that's not possible for me, but I've really appreciate some advice that could make me better at dealing with it.
happykat Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Well one good thing is you ARE getting dates, so you know that women find you attractive. I think you really need to reflect on what's happening during the dates that is keeping women from wanting to continue seeing you. Do they ever tell you anything? Give you any feedback? What is happening at the end of the dates - like do you ask them out again at that point? I kind of look at dating/relationships just like I do job interviews. Try to learn from the ones that didn't go so well so the next one will be better. And keep improving. Sort of like perfecting a craft .. Make it a goal to be a good, charming date and do what you can to learn how.
lissa90 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I don't think its ever easy to feel ok when it comes to rejection, even more so when its from girls you actually like. People who "brush it off in a day" are just hiding it. They've got their poker face on. If they genuinely don't care then perhaps they weren't quite so into it in the first place. Don't feel bad if you need time to get over something. Rejection is a b!tch but its also part of life.
pyramid Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 It's easier said than done, but try not to take rejection personally. Think about it like those secret key contests at the car dealer... ooh let's see if this key fits! Eh, nope, on to the next one. If it doesn't fit, all you have is a dumb key and a car that you can't drive. Yeah, it's a super cool car and you really liked it, but turns out it's not for you. You just have to keep looking for the right one. If you keep wasting time trying to make that key fit that car, you might miss the next one. One of my dating "mottos" is this: if it's meant to be, there's nothing you can do to mess it up. If it's not, there's nothing you can do to make it work. (And before someone tries to pick that apart - come on, within reason.) 1
Sunshine87 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Hey, My problem with Kat's advice is that it makes rejected people feel like there is something wrong with them. Sometimes, this is the case other times there might be issues that are not beyond the control of the actual date. For example, the dumper/ person doing the rejecting might not feel strongly about the dumpee. Or the dumber might have other things going on in her life. Kat's advice is good but that's my issue with it. While I agree that people should always aspire to be better and learn from their mistakes nobody is perfect. Most of the people in happy relationships are there not because they have the perfect skills or the perfect attitude. Come on, we are all humans and the beauty bout love is finding someone who accepts you for who you are and loves you regardless of your flaws. Right ? OP: I am really emotional too and do not take rejection well. Infact I am so petrified of rejection, that I often don't take too many risks/I'm very shy. What I do, is give myself a few days to feel low ( or a few hours) and then naturally I begin to feel better. There is no magic cure but try to keep expectations low until you have established a relationship. Even then, people get rejected after three, for or even five years! It's something that's difficult to escape completely. Try and cut contact with the dumper or person who rejected you. Stay busy and occupied. Hang out around who care and love you. Stay away from your phone for a while I.e don't constantly check it. Allow time do the rest. There is no magical cure don't forget that everyone faces rejection....some more than others but many beautiful, smart, intelligent and kind hearted people face rejection. You just need to stay strong.....muster strength to forge ahead.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 No particular sob story here, just recently I've been through a couple of rejections with girls I liked quite a lot, and it's taking a bit of a toll on my happiness and confidence, but I find I'm getting better at dealing with it. I was wondering if people could share their own rejection stories and practical tips on how to deal with it? Things you did, changes you made, mental paradigms you used to cheer yourself up and get back in the game quicker and healthier. Stuff I can use Personally I think I might have a bit of a problem with handling rejection. At least with girls I like a lot. I don't think it should knock me down as much as it does and I seem to be susceptible to depression after a rejection. I don't mean just any girl, but girls I've taken some time to get to know and asked out or been on less than 3 dates with. Most people I know seem to brush it off within that same day or at least within a few days, but I find it takes me a few weeks, a least with girls I genuinely admire and like. I can't just brush it off, but I'd like to. Maybe that's not possible for me, but I've really appreciate some advice that could make me better at dealing with it. Ah. Finally a topic on LS that I know something about. I have been rejected hundreds of times. From bars, clubs, to networking events, house parties, friends of friends, co-workers, you name it. I'll tell you what. You are going about things the right way. You say it's really bad if you can't get over it in a few weeks. That's nuthin' bro! Three separate women, it took me over a year to get over, and one of them over two years. Yes, women that I never dated. These are women I knew well, and fell for, that friendzoned me. I have read posts where other unsuccessful men here have taken a similar amount of time to get over women who rejected them in a similar fashion. So, now you see how it is for lonelier men. So, that's your tip! There is no tip. You're doing fine if it 'only' takes you a few weeks to get over it. Just make sure you don't allow yourself to fall for a female friend, the sooner you express interest, the better. Also try not to get too many rejections in a row without a success. That might get you down. But in terms of handling rejection, you're doing well.
Joaquin Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) U just get back on the horse. U keep trying and put yourself out there. An eventual success, which WILL happen, trumps a few bad months or years of rejection. My tip is not to give a crap. See it for what it is. Someone didnt fancy u or wasnt available for whatever reason. Big deal. Edited June 3, 2013 by Joaquin
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 My tip is not to give a crap. See it for what it is. Someone didnt fancy u or wasnt available for whatever reason. Big deal. In general yes. But for some particular circumstances, it takes a lot longer.
Xinreeki Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I know dealing with rejection can be really hard. It took me over 2 years to get over my ex when he rejected me (decided I wasn't good enough for him and told me that he was happier without me). But you just have to keep reminding yourself that its not personal. Ultimately, you just weren't compatible, so its better to move on and find someone who is a better match for you. And in many ways its better to realise that someone isn't compatible with you sooner rather than later, so that you become less attached to them.
Roadkill007 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Think about it like those secret key contests at the car dealer... ooh let's see if this key fits! Eh, nope, on to the next one. If it doesn't fit, all you have is a dumb key and a car that you can't drive. Yeah, it's a super cool car and you really liked it, but turns out it's not for you. You just have to keep looking for the right one. If you keep wasting time trying to make that key fit that car, you might miss the next one. I love that analogy ! even more so because of the silly key/lock analogy for men/women If I remember the douche phrase correctly... : a key that opens lots of locks is a master key, but a lock that's opened by many keys is a crappy lock. Even if I disagree with it, it's still a pretty funny comparison. but yea, don't think of the fish you missed out on catching... think about the fish you'll be catching next! or something like that.... My analogies need game
Author Granin Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Well one good thing is you ARE getting dates, so you know that women find you attractive. I think you really need to reflect on what's happening during the dates that is keeping women from wanting to continue seeing you. Do they ever tell you anything? Give you any feedback? What is happening at the end of the dates - like do you ask them out again at that point? I kind of look at dating/relationships just like I do job interviews. Try to learn from the ones that didn't go so well so the next one will be better. And keep improving. Sort of like perfecting a craft .. Make it a goal to be a good, charming date and do what you can to learn how. Last couple of issues? First one I definitely screwed up, won't repeat that mistake ever again Second one? I asked her out, she said yes, gave me her number, when it came to arranging the date she said she was busy (believable at first because she had 3 jobs)but assured me she was up for it, until eventually I asked if there was a problem and she told me she had a boyfriend, tried to friendzone, so leading me on basically Learnt from both! I don't think its ever easy to feel ok when it comes to rejection, even more so when its from girls you actually like. People who "brush it off in a day" are just hiding it. They've got their poker face on. If they genuinely don't care then perhaps they weren't quite so into it in the first place. Don't feel bad if you need time to get over something. Rejection is a b!tch but its also part of life. That's good advice I think, feeling bad about feeling bad is just going to make you feel worse It's easier said than done, but try not to take rejection personally. Think about it like those secret key contests at the car dealer... ooh let's see if this key fits! Eh, nope, on to the next one. If it doesn't fit, all you have is a dumb key and a car that you can't drive. Yeah, it's a super cool car and you really liked it, but turns out it's not for you. You just have to keep looking for the right one. If you keep wasting time trying to make that key fit that car, you might miss the next one. One of my dating "mottos" is this: if it's meant to be, there's nothing you can do to mess it up. If it's not, there's nothing you can do to make it work. (And before someone tries to pick that apart - come on, within reason.) I guess so! To a certain degree you do have some control, it's always the little details that play on mind, and I run every ambiguity through my head and just dwell on it far too long @Sunshine: I do try and work on myself Some rejections have got me motivated (albeit depressingly so) to try harder and do more things! I've started working out, travelling, and expanding my career and education due to rejection, so there are some positives I think @July: Well it's nice to hear other people find it hard/harder! Very comforting U just get back on the horse. U keep trying and put yourself out there. An eventual success, which WILL happen, trumps a few bad months or years of rejection. My tip is not to give a crap. See it for what it is. Someone didnt fancy u or wasnt available for whatever reason. Big deal. Definitely the way I WISH I could think @Xinreeki: I do like that mindset, but at the same time I think being accountable for everything and taking responsibility can be extremely empowering @Roadkill: Still a good analogy haha Thanks for the responses so far everyone! Helps a lot! Having a bad day
aloneinaz Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Ive also felt dating was like making sales calls. EXPECT lots of rejection, it comes with the territory. Like someone else mentioned, you're getting dates so thats a good thing. I had a date with an attractive gal but she turned me off due to her overly sexual talk on the first date. I didn't ask her out and she texted me a few days later asking me if I'd mind telling her why. I was quick to reply to her so she could learn from it. She thanked me as well. The other thing I remind myself of when I couldn't get a second date from someone I liked, was to say there's lot of women I've also went out with once that I'd never want to see again. My Momma always said you have to date lots of frogs to find the princess.
Xinreeki Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 @Xinreeki: I do like that mindset, but at the same time I think being accountable for everything and taking responsibility can be extremely empowering Well yes, learning from your mistakes is advisable too. That way, hopefully in subsequent relationships, you will be better able to cope / deal with any similar situations that arise.
Maleficent Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Wow. Geesh you guys! A little attitude change may be in order here. Stop counting the number of people who rejected you and try to figure out what 'you did wrong' - most of the time, you did nothing wrong the attraction was just not there. why not count the people who did not reject you and try and figure out what you did right? You know! Puppies! Rainbows! Sunny days! Kittens! Birdies! Kumbaya yay! lol
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