My Story...

[JustBeenMe]

I'm terrified of actually being 100% honest because my story is one that I'm ashamed of, and it's one that I never saw happening, and all that that's been said 1000 times before. This may get long, and boring, so if you read it, and give any feedback, I may just be eternally grateful...

 

In 2010 I went through a breakup, he left me, once again, when I needed someone the most. I'm a single mom, and I don't have the easiest set of circumstances around, but that's never slowed me down. He was not my daughter's father, he is not around.

 

I had a married friend, who had always expressed an interest in me, and I'd always turned him down, told him not to cross the line, at one stage I even cut all contact because he was being inappropriate. Before he'd done any of that he'd painted the picture of the typically unhappily married couple, he hates his wife, all that. They have a son around the age of my daughter, so we'd become friends, done playdates, shared interests, all that. After the breakup I went through, I was fairly desperate, I was left in a very difficult position and had nobody to lean on. He was there. After a month or 2 of being close friends, I went there, I crossed the line. Yes, it was stupid, it was wrong, I regret it, I started regretting it from shortly after it began. The misconception that a happily ever after awaited us didn't last long, then the relationship turned bad. He helped me, financially, so that I'd stay. Yes, I know what that makes me. I knew it at the time, it was an almost conscious decision. I took the easier road for a while.

 

He spent the entire relationship lying to me, I was aware of it as it was happening, and I accepted it, because it was easier. The feelings I had for him had disappeared fairly soon after it started, I had made other friends, and was basically using him. I'd find out about his lies, and I'd get more out of him as "punishment" Yes, I'm aware of what kind of person that makes me. I have already been called all the names, I have already been through all of that.

 

Before the relationship ended with MM1, I had made another friend, and it was purely platonic. I initially did not know that he was married, it hadn't come up, and when it did he didn't deny it, it was just an oversight, as it was a platonic friendship I didn't find it odd that it had never come up, when it did his response was one of great embarrassment, as if to say "sorry if I led you on" but he hadn't, because I had honestly not considered it, I was committed to MM1. Needless to say things with MM1 were rocky, he'd been promising me divorce for longer than I can remember, and yet doing nothing about it. MM2 really was a friend, he's older than me, not too much, 12 years, and we met through work. He was just a sweet guy that I chatted to occasionally, we saw each other through my work every so often, I supplied him with stuff, it was nothing. (the fact that I keep saying that makes it sound super suspicious)

 

When feeling did start to develop between myself and MM2, I put a stop to it right away. This was still before the end of MM1, but I told him that I know he is not that kind of person, and I know he does not want to cheat on his wife. He respected that and simply said "Things aren't always as they seem" Everything continued to be friendly for 6 months or more, but totally safe between us, and he respected the line that I had drawn. Until I erased it.

I eventually blurred the line between being the cheater and the cheatee. I was seeing MM2 on the side of MM1. Look, as I said earlier, the relationship side, physical and emotional, with MM1 had died, so I was not wh*ring around, but I know it doesn't make what I was doing much better. MM2 was my safe place, where I could just be, he made me happy.

 

He confessed to me eventually that he had no desire to hurt his wife, nor did he have any ill feelings towards her, he just didn't love her like he should. She is his best friend, and he loves her like a sister. This was kind of evident in how things had always been between them, not doing all that much together as they have very different interests. He's not unhappy with her, but he's not happy. He initially did not know if he would, now he says he will.

 

About a month or more ago I ended it with MM1, not for MM2, not for any other reason than he is toxic to me. I ended it. At the point when he said his divorce was coming through, and he was losing his child. I still didn't believe him. I had caught him in too many lies to believe anything he said. I'd fallen out of love long before that, so the "mourning" was/is not too bad. I think about him, I wonder if he was lying, I wonder if his stories about her being gone by 1 June were true, but I don't want to be with him.

 

MM2 on the other hand, we've spoken at great lengths, honestly, from the start, about where we both stand. I believe him, I trust him, I can't explain why without claiming to have that "special" kind of love, where you find your soul mate. He's the one person in the world that knows me, as I am, all the time. He makes as much effort as he can to be with me, and to be good to me, and we're both very honest about what is going on between us. I genuinely don't believe that he would lead me on intentionally, look, I'm well aware of the fact that he could change his mind at any point and stay with his wife. He has told her that he does not want to remain married to her, he called me in tears when he did it, because he (and I believe this) does not want to hurt anyone.

 

Look, truth be told, I don't know if we would last if things work out, because of who he is compared to who I am. But I'd like to find out. I know that we are compatible, it's our lives that I'm not sure about. I'm sure I could add pages and pages about MM2, but that's a basic rundown of why I joined this site, and why I was so relieved to find this topic of discussion, because I could really use a place to actually be honest about all this.

 

I guess that's all for now, if you read all that, thank you. I have no doubt I'll be around here a bit

[ComingInHot]

Justbeenme wrote, " "punishment" Yes, I'm aware of what kind of person that makes me. I have already been called all the names, I have already been through all of that."

 

Good morning justbeenme, you sound like you're in a whirlwind of emotions from getting involved w/MM1 to the internal conflict of knowing what you're doing to MM2 along w/surviving in a world that just doesn't seem to care.

 

I'd like to address the quoted above in that No One should be calling You names. Sure people are going to talk & make judgements about Your "behavior" and choices but it doesn't necessicarily mean that is All of who you are. Your internal struggle indicates that you Have a conscience and have decided what you're doing is not "good" nor healthy.

 

Where is your family in all of this? Is there not One person related or otherwise that you can open up to besides another man (M'd or not)?

 

Î don't know if you're at ground Zero yet, but sometimes when you "hit the bottom" that is where you start to get clarity, to disect what led you to the decisions you've made and what is/are the most important thing/s in Your life that you are responsible for.

 

It isn't always pretty, the person you see in the mirror, but it Can Change, if you Want it to.

Give yourself and your son a hug,

[JustBeenMe]

Justbeenme wrote, " "punishment" Yes, I'm aware of what kind of person that makes me. I have already been called all the names, I have already been through all of that."

 

Good morning justbeenme, you sound like you're in a whirlwind of emotions from getting involved w/MM1 to the internal conflict of knowing what you're doing to MM2 along w/surviving in a world that just doesn't seem to care.

 

I'd like to address the quoted above in that No One should be calling You names. Sure people are going to talk & make judgements about Your "behavior" and choices but it doesn't necessicarily mean that is All of who you are. Your internal struggle indicates that you Have a conscience and have decided what you're doing is not "good" nor healthy.

 

Where is your family in all of this? Is there not One person related or otherwise that you can open up to besides another man (M'd or not)?

 

Î don't know if you're at ground Zero yet, but sometimes when you "hit the bottom" that is where you start to get clarity, to disect what led you to the decisions you've made and what is/are the most important thing/s in Your life that you are responsible for.

 

It isn't always pretty, the person you see in the mirror, but it Can Change, if you Want it to.

Give yourself and your son a hug,

 

 

I guess my first reaction to my situation is to criticise or attack myself, because everyone that I've told has done that. My best friend since childhood responded only with "Are you trying to raise your child to be a wh*re" So I stopped talking to people about it.

 

I have a friend that lives in the USA that I speak to openly, she's the only one other than MM2.

I'm the black sheep of the family, so they're not the most supportive, I have 2 older sisters, and both parents, my dad actually lives with us, so I effectively have 2 kids. Like I said, not an easy situation, and I guess that also made MM2 my safe place.

 

I think rock bottom was when I eventually ended it with MM1, not only did I just kill the only constant that I'd had for around 2 years, but also my support (financial) so things have been rough since then, but I know that if I contacted him it would be for financial gain only, and I don't want to be that girl anymore.

 

I've figured out a lot of what and why everything happened with MM1, and why I did that, I have a very bad history of relationships, so I guess one that could never work out was a safe option for me.

 

I said something to MM2 earlier about "Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe that's what I'm doing?" (meaning getting into a relationship with another unavailable man) and his only response was "The only way for me to prove that you're not doing that is when I change my situation, and you stick around" which is almost a mirror image of what I told him when he asked if I'd see him through the bad times with the divorce etc. Our bond is so strong because more than anything we're GREAT friends, I mean, sure, everything else is amazing, but more than anything, we know each other.

 

I guess I have just been too embarrassed to tell anyone the full story, so most people assume he's further along with splitting up with her than he is. I haven't given anyone the chance to be there really, but I'm nt sure that I trust any of my family to be that person.

 

I really hope that made sense.

[Praying4Peace]

OP, you have to get to a place where you do not need a man to take care of you. Only then will you find happiness and a healthy relationship. Please just try and do everything you can to get to that place.

[Praying4Peace]

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

 

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

 

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while.

 

Bolded that part especially for the OP.