Its a long story

[idkwhattodoanymore]

We started dating and she was kinky into the man being the boss him being controlling jealous and to make threats that she can never leave or id kill her, during sex. How she wanted me to act was definitely not me im not jealous or any of those things. Then after a few months of dating i start to act a bit more like how she wants during intimate times and she liked it. I start acting like how she wants because I think itll please her. I boss her around make her do stuff / be controlling of what she can do she has to ask me for permission / making threats that shes trapped and cant leave. Just giving her everything she begged me to act like so i would get jealous she would go out with her friends and i would make claims shes with guys and get jealous and be controlling and all that jazz. She hated it. She ****ing hated it and started to resent me for it and feel like she wanted to escape. Me thinking this was all a game she was into and i love her i just wanted to please her and not everyone agrees with their lover but you gotta give them some of what they like. She was scared for her life feeling trapped and that i was jealous and didnt trust her. This caused so many fights i kept trying to convince her thats not me i was just doing what you wanted me to do. We fought alot about this ****. I was just shocked she begged for this she wanted this and not she hates it and wants to leave me because its an unhealthy relationship it was ridiculous how hard i had to convince her thats not me and i was doing what she constantly asked me to do. THIS IS ONE PART OF WHY I THINK I HAVE RESENTMENT TOWARDS HER! HERES ANOTHER PART

 

so the first few months of our relationship were great wow she was SO COOL ! it was like my twin thats how much we connected she would ask for kinda crazy dominating stuff but besides that we were happy we clicked loved all the same music same stuff really connected on alot of levels. Then after a few months She put me down alot. I have been with 13 girls and shes a virgin she bashed me night after night. I would work a 12 hour shift 6 days a week to come home to her bad mouthing me i love her and i know shes just getting her frustrations out. She knew about the girls before but when she fell in love she changed. i knew it must be really hard for her especially being a virgin and i didnt want to hate my past my past is already really messed up some nights she had me really upset and trying to force me to say i was a whore and slut and i hated my past at my weakest times i said itjust to get her to stop but the next day she just kept putting me down about that. Youre a slut youre a whore piece of trash etc it made me really mad and sad i began to develop a lot of animosity towards her. She would cause so much drama and i had to work but she didnt give a **** she would say things like o you dont fight for me you make me feel like im worthless so even tho i had to work a 12 hour shift 6 days a week most nights i was up taking her abuse and trying to resolve the problem because she wants someone to fight for her and love her shes never had a bf before ever Im her first. So i fought for her i wanted her to know someone could love her. That she was desirable and meaningful she was great and lovable. But now idk if im doing this out of pity or if i really love her anymore. theres more

 

This went on for about 6-7 months her insulting me i was dominant for about 4 of the last months of that. After all that drama SHES FINALLY OK! No more keeping me up late fighting over my past which was over 8 years ago no more insults and i finally convinced her i wasnt a dominating psycho trying to keep her trapped. All is well shes happy she got all that off her chest but now im the problem. I have such mixed emotions for her. Im so annoyed that she would insist on me acting like only to flip it on me and call me crazy and act like im a problem. ****ing ridiculous and her putting me down for so long and me trying to be nice about it and letting her "vent" has caused even more resentment. so now im the problem over any little thing i snap and break. I just get really mad and tell her i hate her and how i feel like hitting her she can still be so stupid she wont let me get a word in when we talk unless i yell or else she just dominates and makes it worse i end up yelling trying to get her to calm down because i cant with a normal tone and i keep having thoughts of breaking up with her. She gets mad over small **** insults me and i get mad now because I dont let her insult me and not roll over anymore. I get mad at her acting up and when i get mad ALL OF A SUDDEN SHES SO COOL AND LIKE WHOA WHOA WHOA WHY ARE U SO MAD she acts as if shes so calm and chill when seconds ago she was insulting me and being a huge bitch.

 

We met and it was like fire we connected so much she was everything i ever wanted LITERALLY MY DREAM GIRL then she fell in love and changed So heres my dilemma shes getting better shes not that bad anymore. No more bashing me for my past which was over 7 years ago and pressuring me to do things that she doesnt like she stopped all that bull**** she still has her small problems but shes more tolerable. I just cant stop freaking out now over small stuff over any small dispute or argument i end up breaking down and getting really emotional and angry just yelling I HATE YOU and i feel like hitting her just to get her to shut up sometimes i dont hate her goddam i knew she would get mentally healthier in time she had a rough life and seen some horrible stuff i just was being patient loving caring as long i could be to show her someone can love her and she has gotten better but now im sick and i dont know how to get over this. Shes becoming that girl i fell in love with like i knew she was just upset because shes a virgin/ she has a rough family life / she never loved anyone before / first boyfriend .. she vented for 7 months and now shes cool back to normal. Just as i predicted. She would suggest weird sexual things. I thought she was young and didnt really know what she wanted so gave her it and see if she does. which it turns out she didnt like it. I was right all along now shes becoming more mentally healthier but im not i been on edge for months i erupt over anything with her. I wanted to be someone who always fought for her who made her feel loved since she never had it. id hate to break her heart i want to get over this its been months i just dont know if i can. Shes getting pretty sick of me erupting on her when she acts a little annoying i know she wont fight for me like i fought for her and put up with the abuse for months i want to get over this but deep down i feel like i wont ever get over it. I feel like i hate her. I wanted to make her feel special loved cared for everything she wanted everything but i dont know if i can do this anymore. i have so much resentment towards her i want to continue but i dont think i can. I love her so much guys i knew shes wasnt mentally stable but shes getting better is it possible for me to get better or should i just walk away Part of me likes yes shes chill now shes happy fun the woman i love and the other part has hated her for so long I think im still here out of pity and because im attached and i dont want to break heart because im not even sure if i love her anymore I dont know what to do im so angry i think shes crazy but also i feel bad for her kuz she needs alot of love some guidance please

Edited June 3, 2013 by idkwhattodoanymore