MelodyRye Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Is it just me or are the guys actually the ones being more understand and willing to forgive? I'd had experience a fallout with both guy friend (Joe from my first post I wrote; if any of you don't remember you can dig it up) and my now ex girl friend. In the first case, it was absolutely my fault and hurt him in one of the worst possible way but in the latter case it was over something very insignificant and I didn't even start the argument, she did. It has been about 4 months later and she not only isn't speaking to me but has completely erased me from facebook, was told she does nothing but speaks ill of me and how she wished I would be alone, how she's more pretty than me etc. All this for nothing. I didn't even started arguing with her. The argument our lifestyles and how suddenly I get told inconsiderate. With Joe, I was forgiven 6 months later and we on speaking terms again. He told he doesn't hate him and we're on each other's facebook. At least, I have not heard of him wishing bad things nor gossiping about me to other though I did so when I hurt him.
Author MelodyRye Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I'm beginning to believe that all this ''Women are the more forgiving gender'' must be nothing but a myth. I thought she was a good friend and now it's like she completely hates me. I don't even know what I did to her to deserve that type of extreme reaction and ill talk. Joe should be the one reacting like this but he isn't. At least he would be justify to hate me but doesn't.
Eggplant Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Do you have more examples? Because these are 2 different people with individual personalities, who don't necessarily represent their entire gender... 1
MercuryMorrison1 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 It could just be who she is personally. I had a semi falling out with a female friend not to terribly long ago, and her and I are back on speaking terms and working towards improving our relationship again. In sharp contrast I had a similar fallout with a male friend a couple of years ago and he and I haven't spoken sense. Maybe gender didn't really play a part here...Maybe your friend Joe is just a more forgiving person by nature. 1
Author MelodyRye Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Do you have more examples? Because these are 2 different people with individual personalities, who don't necessarily represent their entire gender...Sure. After dumping these former girl friends from my HS, they started getting nasty to me with mean messages on my facebook and trying to ruined my friendship with Joe. I had to block them. My female cousin has dumped her bf several times and he still keeps coming back. When they get back together, he never says no. I bet if the other way other, she wouldn't hesitate to go NC with him. Lorena's ex husband forgave her for what she did. Yet, she never apologizes. Turns the tables around and no women would want to sit next to the man that mutilated her. What she did was horrible. Extreme case of forgiveness IMO. The way my aunt constantly argues about anything with my uncle in front of others and gets emotional yet he does nothing nor tells her to stop.
carhill Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 these are 2 different people with individual personalities, who don't necessarily represent their entire gender...In fairness, the title says 'some', not 'most' nor 'all', relevant to 'women'. I'll offer one 'why' and it has to do with that big ball of wire they have as a brain. When they form an emotional memory, and it's exceedingly common to do so, it's burned in there forever and that ball of wire brings it to the surface in a nanosecond. That was a marked lesson I learned from being married. Stuff would come at me from places completely beyond comprehension. The key was... beyond *my* comprehension. I don't have a ball of wire for a brain. She's not holding a grudge. To her it's as real as if it just happened. In fact it could feel as if it did just happen. 'Feel' is the key. 2
Author MelodyRye Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Maybe gender didn't really play a part here...Maybe your friend Joe is just a more forgiving person by nature.True but why is it that I have no best girl friend? Just when I think I have, she somehow turns on me or tries to compete with me. I don't have this problem with Joe or other guy friends. Unless I must be having bad luck with girl friends.
Author MelodyRye Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I'll offer one 'why' and it has to do with that big ball of wire they have as a brain. When they form an emotional memory, and it's exceedingly common to do so, it's burned in there forever and that ball of wire brings it to the surface in a nanosecond. That was a marked lesson I learned from being married. Stuff would come at me from places completely beyond comprehension. The key was... beyond *my* comprehension. I don't have a ball of wire for a brain. She's not holding a grudge. To her it's as real as if it just happened. In fact it could feel as if it did just happen. 'Feel' is the key.Thank you for the explanation. It's more of an overreaction they have. They should learn to stop taking something insignificant so personal. What's worst is in her mind she thinks I caused this fallout.
carhill Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If, as a woman, it is difficult to have female friends, it is possible that you don't think and feel in the same way as the classic women do, so it is difficult to find synergy, platonic synergy, with other females. I noted a similar problem as a young man, with male friends, yet had many satisfying platonic female friends. As I aged, the men in my demographic changed, as well as myself changing to a more 'male' way of thinking and feeling, and deep friendships with men become more common, and continue to this day. If you've ever felt 'outlier' as a woman, that could be one potential reason.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 In fairness, the title says 'some', not 'most' nor 'all', relevant to 'women'. I'll offer one 'why' and it has to do with that big ball of wire they have as a brain. When they form an emotional memory, and it's exceedingly common to do so, it's burned in there forever and that ball of wire brings it to the surface in a nanosecond. That was a marked lesson I learned from being married. Stuff would come at me from places completely beyond comprehension. The key was... beyond *my* comprehension. I don't have a ball of wire for a brain. She's not holding a grudge. To her it's as real as if it just happened. In fact it could feel as if it did just happen. 'Feel' is the key. Brizendene, author of The Female Brain agrees with you. I do too. And I personally experience this quite intensely as my memory is pretty sharp. Once a pattern forms, it is pretty hard to undo.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Thank you for the explanation. It's more of an overreaction they have. They should learn to stop taking something insignificant so personal. What's worst is in her mind she thinks I caused this fallout. :facepalm: Given your perspective, of course you will reach that conclusion. Which, if you were to share it with her, would strengthen her case to be rid of you. Why? Because to her it is clearly not inconsequential. It is her reality that these interactions are painful and staying in contact a bad idea because one gets exposed to more pain. Part of why women tend to slice off relationships and not return. Whereas men will break-up to even "cool down and regroup." I find it behooving (from my perspective of course) that a man will breakup with his gf, toss her off for a month or two, try to come back when he misses her and is in some kind of shock when she A) doesn't want him back or B) has already started dating someone else. Often he will call her "cold" or "how could she move on so quick?" etc. Well, what happened to us is that when we are done, very very often we are DONE. WE do all that we can to process the abandonment and possible hurting words used against us. We cry, we call friends, we eat ice cream, we deal with the actual trauma. Men when broken up with feel a sense of "oh good the conflict is over for now, I'll watch tv, I'll made myself a bacon sandwich, maybe I'll go on some dates. If and when she comes back I'll be okay." But then she doesn't come back..... and a few weeks/months later he starts wondering when the return trip is. Then it hits him that she's gone. The the emotional processing begins. But it often seems that guys don't fully process that type of stuff as quickly. They will even get into other relationships but just not "attach" until they have come to terms with it on their own time. Meanwhile, she's developed a 1600 page philosophy of love and pain that she's published all over facebook and looking for another man to fill the bond that was left wide open. And there's already a decent number of takers for that bid. To her it wasn't inconsequential. To her it was painful enough to cut the cord because she could see that you would only dismiss her again in the future, after she would be more significantly invested. Only to be hurt in an even greater way. And you would've because you believe her emotional impact after such events is simply "an overreaction, a refusal to forgive, a grudge or perhaps the ever-kind standard, 'irrational.'" Of course to you it is irrational, you go, you cool off, you get back in the game. With her brain, you would have certain sets of triggers where it would pop up week to week and you would have to even consciously say to yourself, "nope nope I forgave him weeks ago, let's try to remember the way he considered me yesterday." A man who tries to reverse the damage by acknowledging his woman's feelings and listening to her viewpoint tends to be the one who has the longest-lasting relationship. And the happiest. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I apologize, I didn't realize that you were a woman and I thought it was your ex-girlfriend who you were missing. Not your "ex girl friend."
Roadkill007 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I apologize, I didn't realize that you were a woman and I thought it was your ex-girlfriend who you were missing. Not your "ex girl friend." great post... no, triple post! I was confused on the girl friend thing too for a second. Super sound advice though. Amazingly insightful stuff. OP, you should definitely carefully read through that long post, because if your brain is wired a bit more like guys tend to be, then it may be illuminating. 1
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