AZA Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) Trying to move forward and be myself takes so much damn energy out of me. It's the end of the day and my friends aren't available anymore. I won't get to sleep tonight and I don't want to experience the agony that comes with trying anyway. I want to stay up tonight and chat with someone new. :\ I feel deep feelings in my body. Humbled by the experiences. Shy, again. Sad and a bit scared. Able to put on a social presentation if I need to. I don't walk with pride anymore. My arms hang a little closer to my sides and I stay infinitely introverted, watching other people, interacting with them being able to detach myself from what I feel. I'm not okay, but I make sure to look otherwise. The love I had is now a scar etched aggressively into who I am. I will know this for the rest of my life. I'm still trying with her. It's not over, but it's damaged me deeper than I had EVER known could be possible-for anyone. There is so. much. turmoil. I hurt myself so badly to pursue this woman and sometimes I wonder if I'll be broken even if we enter a real relationship. I feel like there's nothing anyone could say to me to make me feel better or be more positive. It's just how things are. I just feel this. I can function just fine in society, work, and life. But all the creativity, the passion for life, love, friends became replaced or maybe buried with the flat-line ambience that has changed who I am. I don't know what I'm doing typing here at 10:42pm, listening to ambient meditative music through headphones in my room. I just... want someone else to understand that I'm not actually okay >_<" ... I want someone to get it. I want someone to acknowledge that this part of me exists. Because it's the biggest part about who I am and no one gets that. And I can't even describe how lonely it feels. I just want anyone to say anything, really. >_> Edited June 3, 2013 by AZA
seahawker64 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Dude, it sucks. I know it does. I'm 2 1/2 months NC and think about her alot. Not as much as I did but still more than I want to. This break up thing is a roller coaster. One day you start feeling OK with it and the next your a friggen mess. I've been a mess again for 3 days and can't wait til tomorrow and see if it's a new day. It feel's like someone cut your arm off and now there's just this empty feeling. I get it as do so many others here on this board. The good news is, someday you will be over this and will have leaned. The bad news is, no one knows how long that takes. All you can do is go day by day and be aware it's a roller coaster.
FebruaryAmor Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 hi! you're not in this alone!! Remember that. You took the biggest chance ever in life and that is LOVE. You're amazing. You're strong. This is grief. Grief hurts.. but hey.. idk if this will make u feel better.. but it's not going to get worse than how u feel now. Its only going to get better. I'm in the same boat as you. I have been NC for ... 8 hours :-) hang in there! something that helps me is watching netflix documentaries. gets my mind off my bf/exbf
IS IT Better late Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 AZA, I know your pain. I'm a good deal older than you, so be glad you are going through this now at a young age and will be better prepared if you ever have to go through something like this again. It's horrible! It comes and goes! It ruins all other motivation! I've lost my focus on other things in life too. She's always on my mind. What is she doing right now? I can't believe I let a girl do this to me. You're not alone.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Yes, many of us are in the same sinking boat. And as IIBL mentioned, try adding age into the mix. I feel like I should know better and be stronger in mid-life. But, no. It's absolutely dreadful and now I just feel like my options are so much more limited than they were 5 or 10 years ago. But, life goes on and so must I... 1
BustedUpInside Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Yes, many of us are in the same sinking boat. And as IIBL mentioned, try adding age into the mix. I feel like I should know better and be stronger in mid-life. But, no. It's absolutely dreadful and now I just feel like my options are so much more limited than they were 5 or 10 years ago. But, life goes on and so must I... Ditto to this..........exactly.
McGriff Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Yes, many of us are in the same sinking boat. And as IIBL mentioned, try adding age into the mix. I feel like I should know better and be stronger in mid-life. But, no. It's absolutely dreadful and now I just feel like my options are so much more limited than they were 5 or 10 years ago. But, life goes on and so must I... I respectfully disagree with this (at least in my case). Being over 40, there's that "you should know better" mentality, and while that's true in some or most areas of life, affairs of the heart are completely unpredictable at any age. And on your second point about options---I assume you are talking about potential partners---I have found that it depends on how well you take care of yourself. Over the last year, after I got divorced, I started working out and am now in the best shape of my life, and I get interest from all ages! I think it has a lot to do with mindset---if you think you are too old, then you will send that out to the universe and people will think you're too old. I used to think that way, but I meditate on it and keep in shape, and I know I can hang with my younger crowd of friends.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I respectfully disagree with this (at least in my case). Being over 40, there's that "you should know better" mentality, and while that's true in some or most areas of life, affairs of the heart are completely unpredictable at any age. And on your second point about options---I assume you are talking about potential partners---I have found that it depends on how well you take care of yourself. Over the last year, after I got divorced, I started working out and am now in the best shape of my life, and I get interest from all ages! I think it has a lot to do with mindset---if you think you are too old, then you will send that out to the universe and people will think you're too old. I used to think that way, but I meditate on it and keep in shape, and I know I can hang with my younger crowd of friends. True that ^^^ I guess it's just easy to fall into the 'traps' of getting older and breaking up. Come on Universe, I'm ready 1
lissa90 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 A friend of mine once told me that people want to be understood more than they want to be love. I guess there is a grain of truth to it. You have definitely come to the right place. The people here can understand and relate to the pain you are going through. It hurts and it feels consuming and never ending. As much as you want to be happy again, you do just want to revel in your misery. So do it. Get it all out of your system. Day by day you'll feel a little less sad. You'll start to piece yourself back together again. Its a tiresome and sometimes frustrating process but you will get there eventually. You have no option but to carry on
Chrisal23 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I completely understand what you're feeling. You're not the same after all the pain you go through for someone. It's truly sad how some people can cause us pain but we have to learn to be smarter and grow stronger. I feel like this place is a great place to vent your feelings when none will hear you. A lot of my friends are gone and my ex is moving on. I'ts true at this point we're at rock bottom. One day you will wake up without that pain you're feeling.
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