Can a boyfriend ever really have a friendly, "how are you" convo with the ex?

[BornToDie]

I really need help with this. I am under so much stress that it is making me literally sick.

My boyfriend dated his ex for a year and a half. About a year later, he met me, and we've dated for 3 and a half years. I feel like all problems he and I have had revolve around his ex.

The first 2 and a half years that he and I dated, things were complicated because we went through many transitions in our lives. It began when we'd just turned 17, and we went through the transition of high school, graduation, and going to college; we were so young. Due to this reason (IMO), he was always never really sure if he wanted to be with me in the far off future or not, and he always remarked that he wasn't sure what love was. The ex would always pop up, and he'd talk to her occasionally (towards the end, he hid it from me). I know after we graduated high school, they met up, and things went farther than they should have. That caused so much hurt, and I eventually got to the point where I didn't know what I wanted either, so we parted ways.

 

In the time we were apart, he hung out with the ex a few times, but nothing occurred (she had a boyfriend). He got his first job an hour away from home and had to be completely by himself. Months later, he came back into my life, saying that the grass really wasn't greener on the other side, and being alone made him see that. Last November, we began dating again. He'd matured, inside and out, and people still make remarks about how much he's changed. Not only that, but he bought me an $800 ring (which we referred to as an "I love you and am not going anywhere" ring) last Christmas, and he constantly appreciates me like he never did before ("I love you so much," "You're the best girlfriend ever," "You're the best decision I've ever made," etc.).

 

Things have been on cloud 9 until this weekend. Late Friday night, he told me, saying that he wasn't trying to hide it from me, that driving into town, he passed by the ex's house. She happened to be outside, and she saw him. When he got home, she called him, and they talked for about 45 minutes. He told me they talked about college, how their lives were going, but most of all, me. She congratulated him for us getting back together, and he told her he was extremely happy with me. At the moment, she's single.

Naturally, I lost it. I began crying and did so all night. He told me to please stop crying, that he wasn't going anywhere, loved me, wasn't going to leave me, and that their conversation was just platonic. I asked him how he could do that to me when he knew the problems she'd caused, and he told me that she's not the monster that I think she is, and that this is a huge problem because I'm making it more than it is. I asked him if he had feelings for her, and he said that she was his first love, and he'd always care a little bit about her, but he knew that was nothing in comparison to what he had with me, and that he and his ex could never make it work like we could. He said, "like it or not, she was a huge part of my life." He reassured me that he thinks he's on the path to marriage with me, and that his ex wasn't worth screwing that up over. He said he loves me and has a great relationship with me, so nothing was going to come between us, and he's not going to hide anything from me. He merely "wanted to see how she was doing."

 

Is that even possible? I've been shaken up the rest of the weekend, and he keeps reassuring me that he isn't going anywhere and loves me very much. Still, why would he do such a thing like that? I am so stressed because he works an hour away during the week, so until the weekend, I don't see him and have no idea what he's up to. He swore to me that he wasn't going to do anything to upset me. Is it possible that he just wanted to say hello? What do I do? You may think I'm insecure or just stupid, but I love this man more than just about anything.

On one hand, I'm terrified because this girl has caused problems, but on the other, I'm reminding myself that my relationship with my boyfriend has come such a long way, so all I can do is trust him.

[shexy]

Well, she called him, he didn't call her.

 

I'm civil with most of my exes, when I see them, I can chat and we can catch up and it's no big deal.

 

He sounds like he's crazy about you, I wouldn't even worry about it.

 

If he was her first sex, she'll always mean at least a tiny bit of something to him, but he sounds like he's really in love with you.

[BornToDie]

Yes, she was his first everything, including sex, and he was hers. I used to have so much animosity towards this girl and said hateful things towards her and to her. Last night, I sent her a message (with my boyfriend's approval) that basically apologized for the hatefulness to her because I was only angry and felt threatened, and then I told her that I only wanted friendly boundaries to be respected if they were going to be friendly every now and then.

 

She read it, but no response. Still, my boyfriend said what I did was very mature and that I did the right thing.

[Ami1uwant]

Yes, she was his first everything, including sex, and he was hers. I used to have so much animosity towards this girl and said hateful things towards her and to her. Last night, I sent her a message (with my boyfriend's approval) that basically apologized for the hatefulness to her because I was only angry and felt threatened, and then I told her that I only wanted friendly boundaries to be respected if they were going to be friendly every now and then.

 

She read it, but no response. Still, my boyfriend said what I did was very mature and that I did the right thing.

 

 

Its called trust.

 

How are you goin to be if he makes friends with a female at work??

 

Between 17 and 23 there is a lot of growth that occurs in people as well as more maturity and knowing what they want.