Lauriebell82 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Other thread got long so... Things are a bit better. Husband and I havent fought as much and havent mentioned divorced. I am not feeling quite as miserable but I still feel depressed. Maybe the fights scared me out of being 100% happy. I guess sometimes I wish my husband acted differently about some things. That will never change though because its him. I want to be happy. How can that happen.
carhill Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Good to read. One tip would be to build on the positive so this doesn't become a cycle of good times/bad times. You're you and he's him. Remember why you're together and your commitment to each other and your child. It'll work out.
Zapbasket Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 This may or may not be useful, but do you and your husband share a group of friends or social contacts? Sometimes I think it helps when you have regular opportunities to see each other outside the dynamics of your relationship. Kind-of along the same principle as rotating your tires--you get to interact across all the many attributes, good and less-good, of each of you, and thus don't "wear one another out" as often. Doing social activities together doesn't necessarily solve your relationship problems, but it opens some vents for happiness and fun to blow through the space of your relationship at times when it's tough to generate those things just between the two of you. And then it might help each of you see things in a new light, over time. Just a thought.... Glad you are doing a little better.
xxoo Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I guess sometimes I wish my husband acted differently about some things. That will never change though because its him. I want to be happy. How can that happen. Have you taken steps toward finding a new marriage counselor?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Have you taken steps toward finding a new marriage counselor? Yes, I found one but husband doesn't want to go though. Not because he doesnt want to work things out but because he doesnt like therapy. He feels like we are just going to argue
xxoo Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Yes, I found one but husband doesn't want to go though. Not because he doesnt want to work things out but because he doesnt like therapy. He feels like we are just going to argue Will he go? How do you feel about therapy and fighting? What ideas does he have to work things out?
Nyla Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 If you are arguing in therapy, that is a sign that unhealthy dynamics are being discussed and hopefully disregarded. Remember that marriage is not perfect, so it is normal to have times when you are not 100% happy. Nobody likes the emotional excavation of therapy. It is very hard to examine where patterns of behavior may stem from, as well as bringing bad behavior to light. In the end, it is all worth it for the health of your marriage.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 If you are arguing in therapy, that is a sign that unhealthy dynamics are being discussed and hopefully disregarded. Remember that marriage is not perfect, so it is normal to have times when you are not 100% happy. Nobody likes the emotional excavation of therapy. It is very hard to examine where patterns of behavior may stem from, as well as bringing bad behavior to light. In the end, it is all worth it for the health of your marriage. Yeah, this is why he doesnt want to go, I think. He doesnt want to have to admit that he is part of the issue and that it doesnt ALL revolve around my low self esteem. If he goes to therapy then he will have to acknowledge that he is controlling, wheras now he can just delude himself. Example: i had on a sexy tank top that showed my tattoo on my shoulder. It wasnt slutty. So we were going to go to the mall and he commented on it, asking me if I was going to put a shirt over it.(which I do sometimes). Well it was 95 degrees yesterday so I said very calmly, no I am going to wear this shirt only because it is hot and because I like it. He nodded his head and said "well i am not trying to be controlling, you are an adult and can wear what you want, I was just wondering." well dddduuuhhh, if he wasnt being controlling then he wouldnt have commented on it in the first place. So I calmly repeated myself and said that if he really wasnt being controlling the he would accept it. Which he did. I could tell he was upset and didnt want me to wear the shirt but he went with it. It felt good for me to stand my ground in a healthy way also.
Nyla Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Yeah, this is why he doesnt want to go, I think. He doesnt want to have to admit that he is part of the issue and that it doesnt ALL revolve around my low self esteem. If he goes to therapy then he will have to acknowledge that he is controlling, wheras now he can just delude himself. Example: i had on a sexy tank top that showed my tattoo on my shoulder. It wasnt slutty. So we were going to go to the mall and he commented on it, asking me if I was going to put a shirt over it.(which I do sometimes). Well it was 95 degrees yesterday so I said very calmly, no I am going to wear this shirt only because it is hot and because I like it. He nodded his head and said "well i am not trying to be controlling, you are an adult and can wear what you want, I was just wondering." well dddduuuhhh, if he wasnt being controlling then he wouldnt have commented on it in the first place. So I calmly repeated myself and said that if he really wasnt being controlling the he would accept it. Which he did. I could tell he was upset and didnt want me to wear the shirt but he went with it. It felt good for me to stand my ground in a healthy way also. Why shouldn't your husband comment on something he doesn't like? You don't have to do what your husband says, but he should have the right to state his opinion without you immediately thinking he is controlling you. Of course, you should also have the same freedom of speech without being labelled. My husband is insecure about our age difference. He has always been a bit prickly about me showing off cleavage or wearing very short dresses. As a compromise, I try to only wear such things around the house or when I am with him in public. I would rather be happy than right and dressing sexy isn't a huge deal to me anyway, especially since I don't like idiots hitting on me. My husband doesn't like me to go anywhere without my wedding set on my finger and I think this is because he wants other men to see that I am taken. I always wear my rings not just because I love them, but also because it makes my husband happy. No big deal. It may seem that I am being controlled, but I am choosing to soothe my husband's insecurity as I know how it feels.
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Why shouldn't your husband comment on something he doesn't like? You don't have to do what your husband says, but he should have the right to state his opinion without you immediately thinking he is controlling you. Of course, you should also have the same freedom of speech without being labelled. My husband is insecure about our age difference. He has always been a bit prickly about me showing off cleavage or wearing very short dresses. As a compromise, I try to only wear such things around the house or when I am with him in public. I would rather be happy than right and dressing sexy isn't a huge deal to me anyway, especially since I don't like idiots hitting on me. My husband doesn't like me to go anywhere without my wedding set on my finger and I think this is because he wants other men to see that I am taken. I always wear my rings not just because I love them, but also because it makes my husband happy. No big deal. It may seem that I am being controlled, but I am choosing to soothe my husband's insecurity as I know how it feels. Why are you making this LB's fault? He himself acknowledged "controlling" behavior.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I see what you are saying Nyla. I feel like there is a big difference between voicing what your clothing preferences are and actually telling your spouse to take off what they already have on. (which is what he meant) 1
xxoo Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I want to be happy. How can that happen. If he won't go to therapy, or he stops going, keep going alone to explore this question. Glad to hear that you asserted yourself, and it felt good! 1
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 If he won't go to therapy, or he stops going, keep going alone to explore this question. Glad to hear that you asserted yourself, and it felt good! Thanks! I think its more challenging to recover from low esteem with a husband who is always thinks he is right.
Nyla Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) Why are you making this LB's fault? He himself acknowledged "controlling" behavior. SG, LB stated that she understood what I was trying to say. Since she is the one who started the thread, I am mostly concerned with how she interpreted my words. I would rather focus on LB's issues than threadjack by explaining my words to other members. Thank you for understanding. LB, your husband didn't tell you change your clothes. He simply asked if you were going to wear that shirt and he also asserted that you are free to make your own clothing choices. Am I missing something? Perhaps it was the way he said it...hard to tell since I wasn't there. In any case, I hope you don't think I am simply taking your husband's side. I just wanted to offer a different perspective. I do not wish to offend you or any other member. The fact that your husband refuses to go to therapy, shows that he does not want to take responsibility for his actions. This is not a helpful attitude. Edited June 4, 2013 by Nyla
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Yeah, it was the way he said it. It was more of a "are you REALLY going to wear THAT? It was good though that he acknowledged that his comment sounded controlling, although he doesnt really think it was. He plays the low self esteem card. If anything I feel like my self esteem is improving because I am trying to set boundaries. I set up an IC appointment so we will see. If my husband is in such denial though then I am scared what that means.
Nyla Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Yeah, it was the way he said it. It was more of a "are you REALLY going to wear THAT? It was good though that he acknowledged that his comment sounded controlling, although he doesnt really think it was. He plays the low self esteem card. If anything I feel like my self esteem is improving because I am trying to set boundaries. I set up an IC appointment so we will see. If my husband is in such denial though then I am scared what that means. Gotcha. It is rarely what people say, it is how they say it. I'm glad your husband acknowledged that his comment was controlling. That is a step in the right direction, though I think your husband may be talking about your low self esteem to deflect responsibility for his behavior. I have been with controlling men in the past. I can tell you from my experience that you will meet with resistance when you start to set boundaries or call your husband on his BS. Controlling people come down harder when they start to lose their sway. What do you think it means that your husband is in denial?
xxoo Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Thanks! I think its more challenging to recover from low esteem with a husband who is always thinks he is right. Sometimes life gives us exactly what we need, or more likely we subconsciously seek out exactly what we need, to grow. If your husband were super accommodating, you might never face your self-esteem issues head on. You'd live under his protective umbrella and stagnate. In the same way, if you remain over-accommodating, he won't grow. He needs you to toughen up, too, even though he doesn't want it. The choices are: remain the same and stagnate push and break apart push and grow together We're hoping for the last one 3
TaraMaiden Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Yeah, it was the way he said it. It was more of a "are you REALLY going to wear THAT? It was good though that he acknowledged that his comment sounded controlling, although he doesnt really think it was. He plays the low self esteem card. If anything I feel like my self esteem is improving because I am trying to set boundaries. I set up an IC appointment so we will see. If my husband is in such denial though then I am scared what that means. He played - for himself - the passive-aggressive card. he avoided an argument, but had what he hoped was 'the last word' and was clearly miffed (if your perception is correct, and i cannot see any reason to doubt that it was) and yet, he refuses to co-operate and contribute to any possible remedy towards getting you guys on a better level of communication. Until he can be made to understand - and he agrees, in this understanding - that he has a controlling temperament, then any repairs to this stuation are going to be one sided. Lauribell, I'm only going to say this once: One person cannot do the work of - and for - two. If you find you're contributing 85% of the effort to keep this relationship on an even keel, and he is contributing 15% - well, you can see how exhausted, frustrated and resentful you might become. Just bear in mind that however strong, as a wife, mother and Counsellor you are - you alone cannot save this 'world' by use of your superpowers alone. Do whatever you feel is right, and do what you have to do. But should things reach a level where you feel further effort would simply be wasted energy, consider alternatives. Don't for heaven's sake stay within a situation simply because you hate to be wrong, or you don't want to give up, or you'd lose face, or 'for your child'. (worst reason of all.) Remember, IF the horse dies, there's no point continuing to flog it. 1
Nyla Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Staying in a marriage filled with tension and sadness is bad for children. 1
sunshinegirl Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 LB, how are things going? Hope you're doing okay!
Els Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I'm glad that things seem to be working in a positive direction? Honestly, if he has shown the desire to change and shown that he is working on it, I would give things a bit of time. Relationships rarely go from troubled to 100% happy in a short time. While he may still have a lot to work on, NOT mentioning divorce during arguments seems like a good first step and should be encouraged.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Update: I went to therapy last week for the first time. New therapist is awesome. She has a PhD and really knows what she is doing. We talked about me the entire time. I am realizingI need to stop trying to get my husband to admit that he has a problem. I need to worry about myself and my life, not obsess about his issues. I hope the psychologist can help me. I feel so lost. 3
xxoo Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Glad you found a therapist that you really like! Give it some time. Getting a grasp on your own issues can only improve your family dynamics in the long run.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I was wondering how you were doing, LB. I'm glad you found someone you have more confidence in, and agree with xxoo that you just need to give it some time. Even if only one of you is stronger, it'll make for a stronger relationship.
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