Feeling uncertain about ex-girlfriend wanting to rekindle relationship

June 2, 2013

I'm in need of some advice... I've been following no contact since March, but I've come to a crossroads with the most recent apology & texts. (I'm 21, she's 20 currently)

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Background: I met my ex-girlfriend 7 years ago back in my 9th grade year of high school. Right off the bat there was a connection between us and we instantly bonded as best friends. We stayed best friends hiding from our feelings for a few years, then by 11th grade we finally made the jump and started a relationship. It was everything a relationship could have been at the time, as we were both completely infatuated with one another, doing everything together - completely stuck in a 'honeymoon' phase (one could say). We were hardly apart.

We had some early falling outs in highschool that we discovered were just tiny highschool crushes as we had entered a fairly long term committed relationship at a young age. We broke up 3 times over the last year of high school, 2 occasions were silly crushes & one was just a fight. I can give more background if needed here, but I don't feel it's too necessary as this was quite a bit in the past.

Fast forward to 2012...

We had been together for over 3 years by this point, we were both in college together, and her mom had begun having some financial issues. December hit, and due to the external stresses of her mom's financial status, we hit a rough patch and somewhat split apart without officially breaking up. She treated me poorly even though I was trying to be understanding of her situation, but what I was doing was 'wrong' - rather than listening I tried to input my own opinion of how I would handle it, which lead to problems. We let things cool off for a few weeks, then I wrote her a heartfelt apology letting spilling my feelings for her, telling her that I cannot be without her and that I've never felt such love for a girl before. I also acknowledged my poor dealing with her situation and sought to fix it. She read the letter, and after a few days we were together again.

The 2.5 months that went on (Jan - Mar '13) after this were perfect, we had no significant relationship problems, other than typical squabbles between one another over normal relationship things. There were no big fights, no tears or anything. I had improved all the problems that she had brought up before the December incident and things felt perfect... until one random day in March.

Almost out of no where (before she was leaving for a week to stay with some friends for a music festival), she acted distant for a day. The following week I was asking what was wrong, and she just pushed it off as being 'needing some space for the week, and the stress at home wasn't helping.

I backed off and let her be, but then at the end of the week before she left, she came to my house and told me she felt 50/50 in the relationship. She wasn't sure why, but she felt that she needed a break for some time. I told her that I would do anything to keep it how it was and at least work things out, I gave her an ultimatum between staying and leaving - but she choose to leave as she felt it wasn't fair to stay with me without treating me as a boyfriend (texting/talking on a frequent daily basis, spending a lot of time together, etc). My heart felt as if it had been crushed. I told her that I would never speak to her again after this, and she left in tears.

The weeks following were as you would expect for me, I was depressed and hurt inside - I cut her out of life completely.

She never left my head since that day. I constantly have thoughts and dreams about her, everything reminds me of her and the comfort of the relationship as it was everything I had wanted. Then, in April, I received a text from her stating how she missed me. The subsequent days following I received numerous texts from her trying to coax a response out of me, she would reply as if nothing had happened asking how my day was etc; I never once responded.

She started to get more panicky after this, and explained how much she missed me and that she's having constant panic attacks. She kept asking "did I really ruin things for good?" while sending messages using what I said about her, telling her that she would always be there for me, how she loved me and wants to do anything to make it up to me. She also included a full apology, saying she lost the greatest treasure of her life, admitting that she was wrong - completely wrong & that she took me for granted. My friend advised me not to respond and that I need time to work things out with myself. I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do or not, but I kept following the advice. More recently (days ago) she texted me that she was moving and just signed her lease & that if I wanted to say goodbye that her last month would be September. Last night, she texted me that she was feeling uncertain about things...

I'm not really sure how I should handle this. I haven't responded to her as I'm afraid that things will just end up like they have before, and eventually she will leave me again for whatever reason. I don't know if I should even try and speak to her again, maybe have her explain things - but I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready to handle that as I still have a strong desire for her and miss her immensely. Does anyone have any advice as to what the best approach is? Should I just move on and cut her completely, continuing ignoring the texts, or should I give her a chance and talk things out with her and see where we stand after that? Thank you in advance for any help you might have.

TL;DR Long Term ex-girlfriend from high school left me. Previous history contains some break ups and issues in the relationship, but we were committed to fixing them and did so. Everything going well this year until one one day before a trip out of town for her were she abruptly ended it. ~1 month following she begins to want me back, continuing to this day but I have not spoken to her since she left me after giving her an ultimatum of to try and fix things or leave.

June 3, 2013

one major piece of information is missing from her "contact".

not once (based on what you've posted) did she ever say she wants you back, or wants to work on and start the relationship, or anything else related to "getting back together".

so, from that, one could presume that she has absolutely no intentions of getting back together, otherwise she's had march-june to say it to you.

June 3, 2013

one major piece of information is missing from her "contact".

not once (based on what you've posted) did she ever say she wants you back, or wants to work on and start the relationship, or anything else related to "getting back together".

so, from that, one could presume that she has absolutely no intentions of getting back together, otherwise she's had march-june to say it to you.

The closest thing she said along those lines was "Let me be there for you like you're always there for me" and admitting that I was her greatest gift in life... but I guess that doesn't translate into "I want you back, I can't be without you." no matter how much I want it to.

She's still texting me to this day after the NC treatment (she's blocked on all social media since the day she left me, haven't made any contact to her whatsoever), which I guess is giving me a false sense of hope.(?)

June 3, 2013

The closest thing she said along those lines was "Let me be there for you like you're always there for me" and admitting that I was her greatest gift in life... but I guess that doesn't translate into "I want you back, I can't be without you." no matter how much I want it to.

She's still texting me to this day after the NC treatment (she's blocked on all social media since the day she left me, haven't made any contact to her whatsoever), which I guess is giving me a false sense of hope.(?)

dude, major congrats on sticking to hardcore NC. you're one of the bright ones.

"...let me be there for you..." also applies to friendship. that's not exclusive to bf/gf relationships.

obviously your gut instinct is telling you that this is probably not what you're hoping it is. often your gut is right, your brain and heart AREN'T.

if you decide to see/talk to this girl, be prepared for disappointment, and don't expect any answers to the questions about the breakup because you're not going to get them. she's obviously really trying to contact you, especially since you've not said a word back to her, but still...the fact she's not telling you her motive or her intentions lead me to think she's trying to ease her own guilt.

June 3, 2013

dude, major congrats on sticking to hardcore NC. you're one of the bright ones.

Thank you. Funnily enough I kinda of used this method for years without even realizing it's a thing. It's always been successful for me and helps with getting over people, but this case isn't one like I've ever had before.

"...let me be there for you..." also applies to friendship. that's not exclusive to bf/gf relationships.

obviously your gut instinct is telling you that this is probably not what you're hoping it is. often your gut is right, your brain and heart AREN'T.

if you decide to see/talk to this girl, be prepared for disappointment, and don't expect any answers to the questions about the breakup because you're not going to get them. she's obviously really trying to contact you, especially since you've not said a word back to her, but still...the fact she's not telling you her motive or her intentions lead me to think she's trying to ease her own guilt.

Yeah I've considered that she'll probably never be able to actually explain why she left, or will deny it in her own head and feed me bull**** instead. I've considered asking her to write me a letter explaining what she has to say, but I'm not sure if that's the right plan of action or how to go about it. I've found that writing things down helps a lot as you don't get your words mixed up in conversation, allowing you to think about what you have to say more so than impulsively saying it and the discussion turning into an argument/disagreement.

I'm not sure what guilt she would be trying to ease, the fact that she hurt me, or the fact that she messed up the relationship and lost me in her life when she did so?

June 3, 2013

Rereading all her messages... it doesn't seem as if she's coming across as trying to rekindle a 'friendship'. She uses love and our previous infatuations with one another... it doesn't add up to someone who is looking for just a friend.

June 3, 2013

I will caution you against doing what I did, which is to try to find an "answer" as to why the relationship ended. There will never be a satisfactory answer, and, if anything, thinking or talking about it raises more questions. It's a sick cycle. I would not ask her to write a letter about how she feels, ect.

Continuing to entertain those ideas just keeps you emotionally bogged down, and, in the end, what has changed? Only the fact that you wasted an hour trying to dissect what happened. And guess what? You're still just as d*mn confused or more so. I did this for a good two weeks before I saw the light.

June 3, 2013

Thank you. Funnily enough I kinda of used this method for years without even realizing it's a thing. It's always been successful for me and helps with getting over people, but this case isn't one like I've ever had before.

Yeah I've considered that she'll probably never be able to actually explain why she left, or will deny it in her own head and feed me bull**** instead. I've considered asking her to write me a letter explaining what she has to say, but I'm not sure if that's the right plan of action or how to go about it. I've found that writing things down helps a lot as you don't get your words mixed up in conversation, allowing you to think about what you have to say more so than impulsively saying it and the discussion turning into an argument/disagreement.

I'm not sure what guilt she would be trying to ease, the fact that she hurt me, or the fact that she messed up the relationship and lost me in her life when she did so?

actually, the best way to solve this mystery and put it to rest? ask her. ask her if, by all this contact, she is trying to get back together with you. she'll either say yes or no, OR give you the runaround and make excuses or false promises.

i don't recommend this...and i dont recommend engaging in conversation, but...this will get your answer.

June 3, 2013

actually, the best way to solve this mystery and put it to rest? ask her. ask her if, by all this contact, she is trying to get back together with you. she'll either say yes or no, OR give you the runaround and make excuses or false promises.

i don't recommend this...and i dont recommend engaging in conversation, but...this will get your answer.

I guess I shall ask her and see..

I think I will let her know I want to hear what she has to say on everything that's been said / done. Going straight to the point, no time for small talk really.

June 4, 2013

I guess I shall ask her and see..

I think I will let her know I want to hear what she has to say on everything that's been said / done. Going straight to the point, no time for small talk really.

just don't get sucked in. remember this is a very clear, very black and white answer she needs to give. it's a yes or a no, and if it's "i dunno" that means "no".

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