Thoreau Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hi guys and girls, I'm a 24 year old guy and have been on a couple of dates with a girl, who's also 24. The first date was dinner and went really well (after she rescheduled because of work commitments). No kiss, but obvious chemistry. The second date we went to a concert and we basically couldn't keep our hands off each other. She ended up coming back to my place and we fooled around etc, but didn't have sex. I was the one who decided not to, thinking it was the gentlemanly thing to do, given it was only the second date and I didn't want her to think that was all I was interested in. As soon as I made the decision I regretted it (I'm pretty attracted to her) but I stuck by it. It seems to have been all good, because we were getting on well after and we'd arranged for date 3 for last week. I was going to go to her place and she was going to cook me dinner. But then she got called into work and cancelled. I was pretty disappointed, but just replied with a light hearted message teasing her for having to work and saying I'd catch up with her another time. I figured because she cancelled (for the second time now) it was up to her to reschedule. I didn't hear from her at all. A few days later it was her birthday and I sent her a text and told her I had a present for her (it's just a little in joke thing I bought - I didn't want to get her something too serious). She sent me a pretty blunt reply saying thanks, so I left it at that. I waited a few days and tried to call her but got her voicemail, so left a message. It's been two days and haven't heard back from her. She's also deleted her Facebook (I know it's deactivated and I'm not blocked because she posted a message saying she was having a "break" from FB for a while and her profile can't be found at all - not just when I'm logged in). That sort of makes me think there might be something else going on with her? Anyway, my buddies think because I didn't have sex with her, she thinks I'mnot interested. This can't be further from the truth. She's is the first girl I've wanted to actually have a relationship with and not just sex with for a long time. In fact, I can't stop thinking about her - which is why I'm posting about her on a dating forum haha. Thoughts? Should I have done it? Is it over now? Thanks.
ksinger Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) I think you did everything right in my opinion (and kudos for you for being a gentlemen and I wish I met more like you when I was in my 20's). And if she had any doubt whether you were still interested, in my opinion, the fact you texted her on her birthday and that you had a present may have shown that you were still interested. She might feel a little embarrassed that you were the one that stopped it from going further... maybe one more text that shows that you really are interested in her and have respect for her... maybe mention a quality about her that you like and appreciate about her.... (intelligence, her humor, her personality, her kindness, etc. ? (something you really liked about her that you really think)... Edited June 3, 2013 by ksinger 1
myriam5182 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Totally agree wish there were more guys like you in my book! 1
Chief Wiggum Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 She might have some other stuff going on. Perhaps an old boyfriend or someone? Hence the break from Facebook. Or, maybe she's not interested in a relationship or anything. Just sex is good enough for her. But with you being a gentlemen, it may have led her to believe you're after something more serious than what she wants. I don't know. My guess would be the former - personal/past problems have suddenly popped up.
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Girls are annoying sometimes! I apologize for my gender. Honestly, I would forget about her. I hate to tell you this but I feel like it's best to start moving on before you get more invested. The fact that she cancelled your first date is, to me, a red flag. I've done that before when I was only "meh" about the guy. Then I've rescheduled when I was bored or when my friends told me to "give him a chance." This is NOT a nice thing to do but sometimes girls are mean. Were you drunk at the concert? This may have something to do with getting touchy-feely or perhaps she really was feeling it in the moment. Sometimes girls, just like guys, really do want to make out and that's it. Now she's cancelled again and is making no attempts to reschedule. I would never do this with a guy I was interested in. I would DEFINITELY apologize profusely and mention rescheduling. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I don't want you to keep trying only to be disappointed
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 On the second date, when you decided not to take it further, how did it end? Did she stay the night? Did she leave abruptly? Did you explain to her why you didnt want to take it further? My guess is she is either a) embarrassed and thinks you arent that attracted to her, so her ego is hurt or b) worried that you are more serious than she is
SoulJazzBlues Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 On the second date, when you decided not to take it further, how did it end? Did she stay the night? Did she leave abruptly? Did you explain to her why you didnt want to take it further? My guess is she is either a) embarrassed and thinks you arent that attracted to her, so her ego is hurt or b) worried that you are more serious than she is
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Or she was never that into him in the first place (hence the first cancellation) and was using him because she liked the attention/was bored. Girls are horrible sometimes. 1
happykat Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Having to cancel date 3 and not trying to reschedule is a definite sign that she is not into you. I suspect that she got carried away on date 2 and is embarrassed. And now you guys went so far on date 2 that she may feel pressured - almost that sex is required on date 3 (if not, she feels like a tease). idk -- depending on what your voice mail said, you can text her just asking if she's ok or something.. or just let it go- there's not much you can do now.
Author Thoreau Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Hey, Thanks everyone for your replies. It's great to get a new perspective (even if it is to hear what I expected but didn't want to hear!) So, anyway, I ended up sending her another message tonight. She saw it, but didn't reply. I guess that's it. I could keep trying but I don't want to be that clingy guy, which I'm afraid I might be on the path too. She has mentioned some ex-BFs she's had some dramas with, so that's what I suspected was going on. I didn't think it was my place to ask about it though. Also, you know when you get that gut instinct something isn't right? I've had that for a little while, but was hoping I was wrong. Anyway, I think I'm just looking for a reason why it didn't work out. I think the not wanting to rush sex thing just the only thing I could think of. And for those who asked, we were making out on my bed and fooling around etc, clothes were coming off gradually and then I said something to the effect of, "I like you, so I think think we should take things slow.' her response was: 'great, i want to too. I like you as well. I just want to lie here next to you.' Taking that literally, I thought 'great'. But when translating to 'girl speak', who knows. She was the one to initiate most if the contact after that night... Up until she cancelled the dinner date that she suggested! It's just frustrating because it seems like girls say they want something but really want something completely different. Or don't know what they want! My first girlfriend cheated on me (a lot i later found out) and I've found it really hard to trust girls since. Most of the time since I have been the one to just want something physical and nothing more, because I've been afraid of being vulnerable. It just sucks that when I do have a bit of faith, something like this happens - particularly when it seemed to be going so well. I guess the trick now is to not be bitter about it and not blame the next girl for this experience. Thanks for the feedback guys and girls. There's something quite therapeutic about getting out what has been swirling for days in my head and onto the Internet for the world to see.
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Glad you got your answer!! I think one of the worst things about girls (my gender!!) is how we're taught from such an early age to be polite and always please. In situations like this it is really detrimental because it gives the guy hope. When I'm not interested I TRY to just be upfront about it no matter how awkward/bad I feel. I think stringing the person along/ghosting them is sooo much worse.
Author Thoreau Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Yeah, that's fair enough. And to be honest, I have been on the other side of the fence too. I know it's hard to let someone down blatantly. I just didn't get how she would send messages between and even after the second date (but before she cancelled the third) saying how excited she was to catch up etc. I think I'm just going to put it down to the fact she liked the attention for a while and then when she realised I liked her a lot she put the brakes on it. Hard. Haha, that seems to make the most sense to me anyway, so I'll go with that. It sucks, but oh well, it happens.
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