Caldespair Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I have felt the pull of this site lately and now I must post. My marriage/relationship of 27 years ended 6 months ago. I was content and happy in the marriage but my sbxw was not. Now in middle of messy divorce. She was the one who ended it. She was a walk away spouse. After hanging on for dear life in months 1-3, I started corresponding with a nice gal and having relations with her. I have been upfront with her that I am messed up and dealing with the end of my long term marriage. It has been nice, to share and have somebody who is interested in me. It has made me feel more positive and upbeat. The problem I am finding is, seeing this new gal makes me pine for my ex even more. Additionally this nice gal wants more then I am willing to give. I try to put limits on our time spent together, not wanting to fall into a relationship. I can feel the pressure build from her for a more regular thing. Also the new gal could never be a person I could be with long term. She is Ms "right now" for me (mind you I am respectful and kind to her and she knows my reluctance) So now, I am not only missing my ex, but am having to deal with this nice gal that seems like she can be a handful if she does not get what she wants. I guess this is all part of our/my life. I don't have the clear choices I had when I was married and part of a family unit. I guess this is better then the despair and loneliness, but this is not how I ever envisioned my life to be. Life used to be so easy and straightforward for me. Does anyone have similar "dating" stories post separation? Thanks for letting me vent.
LadyLee Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Hi Caldespair, whew. I'm no expert but I don't think that you are being fair to Ms. "Right now". Especially if you know that you are "messed up" and healing. Also that she is expecting more. The most humane thing that you can do is to free her so that she can move on to someone who will appreciate her. I know that she is probably helping you by distracting you from your problems but you aren't being fair to her. Take this time to heal yourself so that you are ready for another relationship when the time is right. Lee 2
TailSpin75 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Hello Caldespar - Regarding the 'dating' world - my experience has been a bit different than yours. Where you seem to have honed in on a single woman - I have met up with a number of women... and like you I've been open and upfront about where I am. Where I have failed to 'make a connection' you seem to have recognized some chemistry. For myself... I've had to throttle back as what I want seems to change every time I think about it. I'll hit 6-months next week (and will probably post an update on my thread) - but in response to your post here... I found that pulling back took a lot of the stress I was feeling away. There was one woman that I had met a couple of times and spoke with and texted with on a daily basis for awhile. But (like you) I found that thoughts of my STBX became more and more persistent. I don't like to admit that I miss her but I accept it... throttling back from the dating scene has helped me to gain more focus over me. I hope you are doing well my friend!!! 3
trippi1432 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I have felt the pull of this site lately and now I must post. My marriage/relationship of 27 years ended 6 months ago. I was content and happy in the marriage but my sbxw was not. Now in middle of messy divorce. She was the one who ended it. She was a walk away spouse. After hanging on for dear life in months 1-3, I started corresponding with a nice gal and having relations with her. I have been upfront with her that I am messed up and dealing with the end of my long term marriage. It has been nice, to share and have somebody who is interested in me. It has made me feel more positive and upbeat. The problem I am finding is, seeing this new gal makes me pine for my ex even more. Additionally this nice gal wants more then I am willing to give. I try to put limits on our time spent together, not wanting to fall into a relationship. I can feel the pressure build from her for a more regular thing. Also the new gal could never be a person I could be with long term. She is Ms "right now" for me (mind you I am respectful and kind to her and she knows my reluctance) So now, I am not only missing my ex, but am having to deal with this nice gal that seems like she can be a handful if she does not get what she wants. I guess this is all part of our/my life. I don't have the clear choices I had when I was married and part of a family unit. I guess this is better then the despair and loneliness, but this is not how I ever envisioned my life to be. Life used to be so easy and straightforward for me. Does anyone have similar "dating" stories post separation? Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure you knew I was going to weigh on this right? The thing is C, you were in a very long marriage..your identity was husband, father, provider. The new woman cannot validate that, she sees you as someone different. She doesn't know you that way, she knows her sense of you. So this is where you are not being fair to her, because you haven't taken the time to know yourself first, in this new role of divorce. Your push back to the new woman is because she is not your wife, wife/mother/care taker. First, never get pulled into something by someone else when your heart is somewhere else...it becomes a lie. Second, don't carry a torch and put your ex on a pedestal or hate the ex so much you can never be happy with someone after divorce. That can takes decades off your own happiness. 4
Author Caldespair Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Thanks for feedback guys. To clarify, I am completely honest about where I am to this new gal. She knows I am in transition, and we communicate clearly. I've even told her why go out with someone who's separated ? She is accepting of situation. But that does not make it right. Tripp, I know what you are saying but look at it this way. I was very despondent(still am at times) and this gal came along. Was I to stay with my misery or take a chance on improving my frame of mind? I guess I can say I am weak, but this entire life event had completely blindsided me. I feel lucky I'm here now, it was so dark it was scary. I don't put my ex on pedestal and the anger has gone. I am trying to stay as positive as possible.
Shocked Suzie Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I'm sure you knew I was going to weigh on this right? The thing is C, you were in a very long marriage..your identity was husband, father, provider. The new woman cannot validate that, she sees you as someone different. She doesn't know you that way, she knows her sense of you. So this is where you are not being fair to her, because you haven't taken the time to know yourself first, in this new role of divorce. Your push back to the new woman is because she is not your wife, wife/mother/care taker. First, never get pulled into something by someone else when your heart is somewhere else...it becomes a lie. Second, don't carry a torch and put your ex on a pedestal or hate the ex so much you can never be happy with someone after divorce. That can takes decades off your own happiness. Agreed..again you need to heal first..find you again! this sounds like it will just end in heart ache why jump from the frying pan into the fire..have some time out so you can find out what it is your looking for in a new partner and get over your W first SS x 2
trippi1432 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Thanks for feedback guys. To clarify, I am completely honest about where I am to this new gal. She knows I am in transition, and we communicate clearly. I've even told her why go out with someone who's separated ? She is accepting of situation. But that does not make it right. Tripp, I know what you are saying but look at it this way. I was very despondent(still am at times) and this gal came along. Was I to stay with my misery or take a chance on improving my frame of mind? I guess I can say I am weak, but this entire life event had completely blindsided me. I feel lucky I'm here now, it was so dark it was scary. I don't put my ex on pedestal and the anger has gone. I am trying to stay as positive as possible. In Bold - If that is the case, then she will be understanding if you need to take a break to work things out for yourself. It's the next part that worries me C...despondent, until this gal came along...should you have stayed with your misery or take a chance on improving your fame of mind....and the initial post, pining for your ex-wife to be and this girl only being "Mrs. Right Now". This shows your frame of mind which means you are leaning on her to fix a part of you that you cannot fix right now...that's getting to acceptance of your situation. In addition, you stated in your OP that this woman is wanting more than you are willing to give, wants a more regular thing and the "pressure" you feel is because you are not at a point in your healing where you can share a healthy relationship yet. Set her free before it gets to the point that you view her as a nutcase because she is ready for a relationship whereas, you are not. (as you stated in your OP, she is a nice girl but can be a handful when she doesn't get what she wants....do you see the black and white thinking about her already?) It's using C, and while you feel you are being honest with her, it's impossible to be honest with her until you are honest with yourself. Sorry..... 4
Shocked Suzie Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 In Bold - If that is the case, then she will be understanding if you need to take a break to work things out for yourself. It's the next part that worries me C...despondent, until this gal came along...should you have stayed with your misery or take a chance on improving your fame of mind....and the initial post, pining for your ex-wife to be and this girl only being "Mrs. Right Now". This shows your frame of mind which means you are leaning on her to fix a part of you that you cannot fix right now...that's getting to acceptance of your situation. In addition, you stated in your OP that this woman is wanting more than you are willing to give, wants a more regular thing and the "pressure" you feel is because you are not at a point in your healing where you can share a healthy relationship yet. Set her free before it gets to the point that you view her as a nutcase because she is ready for a relationship whereas, you are not. (as you stated in your OP, she is a nice girl but can be a handful when she doesn't get what she wants....do you see the black and white thinking about her already?) It's using C, and while you feel you are being honest with her, it's impossible to be honest with her until you are honest with yourself. Sorry..... Couldn't have put it better myself
Deerhunter Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 My wife left in December after 26 years. I have a nice gf but we only go out every other weekend. We text and talk maybe once a week. I still love my wife but I don't see any hope with us as she has ptsd, bipolar and an alcoholic. She is and has been in outpatiant treatment since February but not much progress. The gf and I get along great and always have a good time. I don't know where it will go but I'm enjoying the ride. You should do the same.
Steadfast Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 you were in a very long marriage..your identity was husband, father, provider. The new woman cannot validate that, she sees you as someone different. She doesn't know you that way, she knows her sense of you. So this is where you are not being fair to her, because you haven't taken the time to know yourself first, in this new role of divorce. Wow. My goodness. Spot on. In my opinion and on strict ethical terms, you have no business dating while you're still married. More ethical (but still not advised) is dating too soon after divorce. That said, I made the same mistake with the same outcome. It's bad for her and it's bad for you. Bad for everybody. Among many other things to complicate your life and slow healing, you've fostered the merry-go-round of relationship woes. Kept the pain alive and added some of your own. Not sure what I mean? Listen to "Love Stinks" (J. Giles). Silly, but truthful. She doesn't hear what you say, she feels what you do. How insulting is it to crawl out of someone's bed and tell them 'Hey, don't get your hopes up about a commitment. I'm just using you to make myself feel better." How is that any different than a cheater/user? Does telling someone looking for love and happiness that you're crapping all over them justify doing it? Justify wiping your feel on their self-esteem? Break the cycle Cald. Don't just do right, be right. For the right reasons. 2
trippi1432 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 She doesn't hear what you say, she feels what you do. How insulting is it to crawl out of someone's bed and tell them 'Hey, don't get your hopes up about a commitment. I'm just using you to make myself feel better." How is that any different than a cheater/user? I'm sure, based on Cal's contradicting posts, that is exactly what is NOT being said but is his assumptions that she is in agreement with it. <shakes head> Being back out in the dating world, it's men like this that I steer very clear of just for the exact reasons I posted previously and the above part as well. When you are at a healthy place for a relationship Cal, you will be able to see your wife for who she is, your new love for who they are and you won't make comparisons. You'll find appreciation for the good and you will have grown through the bad. More importantly, you'll be able to open your heart and be emotionally available and that is what a relationship is about. What you have right now is not a relationship, it's a matter of convenience and (well to be blunt) messing with someone's mind and emotions. 3
Author Caldespair Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 Bravo guys I am living and I am learning. I don't want to be "that" guy. The one you guys mentioned above. For the record, my gal friend was completely informed of my situation and my torn emotions. You correct in that the action is the translation, not my words to my gal friend. I've saw her for lunch and told her I'm not ready for this and she wants to remain friends (no benefits). This site is helpful and I appreciate your comments. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Bravo guys I am living and I am learning. I don't want to be "that" guy. The one you guys mentioned above. For the record, my gal friend was completely informed of my situation and my torn emotions. You correct in that the action is the translation, not my words to my gal friend. I've saw her for lunch and told her I'm not ready for this and she wants to remain friends (no benefits). This site is helpful and I appreciate your comments. Thats good...if it's meant to be it will be, there is no rush and if she is right for you she will wait I'm reading (well I've read a couple) of books and they both say the importance of healing and finding yourself before jumping into a relationship soon after a breakup as you have more chance of going into a similar situation/relationship to what has just been left behind... Finding YOU in time will be exciting, you will see and learn from the faults from your past relationship 'yours and her faults' you'll then have standards wants and wishes...hopefully leading to a better stronger future you and relationship ..well thats the plan anyway 1
Author Caldespair Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 This leads to my next question. Do I wait/ is it healthiest to date after divorce? The way it's going it can be at least another full year? What about just dating ? Meeting new women, but no hanky panky? And keep it light and with no relationship? FYI , for men it may be different. Lots of loneliness and sadness over ending of marriage to women I loved like no other or ever will. I do feel lost. It,was said here "when married we meld into one". I am basically handicapped here. I believe women get much more support then men. I am seeing therapist 4 times a month. 6 months since seperation and I still sob at times. I miss my best friend immensely (my ex) and I'm 49. Not getting any younger. Your input is awaited. Thanks
Steadfast Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I am living and I am learning. What really jumped out to me was how the relationship made you desire your ex more. That hit home. What's great is that you recognized it wasn't doing anyone any good; save for very short term moments. As I recall, the affection withdrawal and sense of abandonment were the most difficult emotions to deal with. The pain is acute; very focused and strong. All made worse by knowing that affection is going somewhere else. This pain can and does lead many to seek relief in the next pair of available arms. It is good that you recognized that it isn't a solution. It isn't even a good option considering the aftermath and anguish. Compounded issues. Who needs that? Interestingly, the rebound experience served greatly in my eventual understanding and healing...at a cost. I realized afterward just how much I loved my ex and why I didn't cheat. The rebound reaffirmed my true feelings for my ex-wife...and exposed her feelings (or lack of) for me. I ran away from the arms of another woman, she ran into the arms of other men. That realization confirmed to my heart what my head already knew. It was then that my love began to fade. Not just knowing, but feeling that I was in love alone is what I needed to finally let her go. The catch here of course, was the innocent soul used in the process. She 'paid the bill' so to speak, and did so generously. Sometime after we split I contacted her to explain and apologize in a way that I simply could not before. She seemed to understand and expressed that she was open to my return if I felt inclined. That did not happen. This divorce stuff is not for sissies. We function with rebuilt hearts. 5
Musubi Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 I've read this somewhere and validated by other divorcees I know. Not speaking from my own experiences though. The "standard" is so far as getting out and about and meeting someone new is when you absolutely could care less if you ever do so or not; that is to say complete and total "indifference". 2
Shocked Suzie Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 For sure 'mingle', but don't put a time limit on it... Think you need to have that settled feeling, one that where you feel, 'you know what' I can live like this.. I'm happy with me, the life that I'm leading and people new/old that are in it... This might take time...what's the rush. I personally feel too dealing with seperating home, money, divorce and child care isn't the greatest destraction when starting a new relationship. As far as support goes 'from a women' i feel it's pretty much down to me.. My family lives abroad, my close friends here are happily married ... They are willing to hear me out after that I'm pretty much alone. I admit having my kids full time is a good diversion tho Try to start to do simple enjoyment type things nothing heavy just stuff that makes you happy SS x 2
Steadfast Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 What we do with ourselves post separation/divorce is a real challenge. Often times we're forced to rebuild our social structure...either from need or desire. After rebounding and going through that, I used the opportunities I had to better all the relationships I was in; my family, friends, and new people I'd meet. I did focus on the latter, mixing my passions with business and stepping into social circles where I knew no one. I opened my eyes. When I'd meet a woman, I would steer clear of 'dating possibilities' and just try to learn more about them. I developed this attitude and applied it to every new person I'd meet. Young or old. Single or married. Beautiful or plain. I stopped viewing every single, attractive female is a potential mate and embraced all of my relationships the same. I made a point of listening more than talking. I trained myself to not talk about me, my issues or my problems unless someone specifically asked. Even then, it was condensed. Frankly, I had been humbled. I did not think about what I had to offer. My virtue turned into someone who was just honest and forthright. No plan. Maybe I was just sick of the dialog in my own head. The change was welcome. I figured if the sparks flew with someone, I'd know what to do. 6
trippi1432 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 This leads to my next question. Do I wait/ is it healthiest to date after divorce? The way it's going it can be at least another full year? What about just dating ? Meeting new women, but no hanky panky? And keep it light and with no relationship? FYI , for men it may be different. Lots of loneliness and sadness over ending of marriage to women I loved like no other or ever will. I do feel lost. It,was said here "when married we meld into one". I am basically handicapped here. I believe women get much more support then men. I am seeing therapist 4 times a month. 6 months since seperation and I still sob at times. I miss my best friend immensely (my ex) and I'm 49. Not getting any younger. Your input is awaited. Thanks The healthiest thing to do is wait until you realize that having a relationship with someone is about enhancing your life, not filling a void. It's when you feel just as good being alone as you do sharing a part of you with someone else that isn't filling a void either. Make friends, but keep sex out of it for now. 5
Author Caldespair Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Detour in thread Tomorrow I will be seeing my ex for first time since February. I have not even spoken to her. We will both be supporting our daughter for a sport injury surgery. I am fn&@&@ hating that I will be with her, around her while my daughter has this procedure. 6 months and I feel really mature - not. There is just sooo much wrapped up in her and our 27 year relationship. Plus ongoing divorce litigation. My default will be to be polite and nice. I will appear as I am completely happy and content in my new lonely life. But, if she wanted to talk, I,would welcome it. I know we idealize our exes, and I am doing that. But she gave me so much love, and as I read on LS, it's our reflection from our spouses eyes that I miss,oh so much. All the previous discussion about dating, is,just an exercise in not being completely wrecked. Any similar circumstances for any of you? Thanks LS for this valuable outlet.
Steadfast Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I am fn&@&@ hating that I will be with her, around her while my daughter has this procedure. 6 months and I feel really mature - not. There is just sooo much wrapped up in her and our 27 year relationship. Plus ongoing divorce litigation. My default will be to be polite and nice. I will appear as I am completely happy and content in my new lonely life. I understand and empathize with everything you've written except the bold Cal. In my opinion, it serves no purpose to be disingenuous at any time. Then again, you don't want to suffer with the aftereffects of being a weeping willie either. That'll do your self-esteem no good. As you might imagine, I worked through this as well. I hated being around her after I knew her mind was made up. Rediscovering myself, my passions and healing were not helped by these forced encounters. But? We had kids. Yes, kids; the little people that often make divorce unbearable. My advice? As you suggested. Be kind. Be polite. Be genuine. When it all seems like it's all too much to bear, focus on what you'll do after. What you will have accomplished by only stating what needs to be stated. How you'll feel about yourself when you walk away. Lonely? For now. How could you not be? What is so terrible about being lonely? It is a natural emotion brought about by the actions of someone else. Best case? Not happy about the situation, but dealing with it. Moving ahead...if only by inches everyday. Plans will be made when it's time for them to be made. If pushed ("How are you? How are you holding up?") reply honestly; "Thank you for asking. Some days are better than others. How are you?" Move ahead in the situation if you have the chance. Ask her if she wants a coffee. Offer her your chair. Be a gentleman. Focus on what needs to be focused on. Pay attention to your daughter and the details surrounding her needs. Focus on what you can control. Avoid what you can not. Breathe. I do feel for you friend, but you must face this with courage and determination. Like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Hang in there. 4
trippi1432 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 My advice? As you suggested. Be kind. Be polite. Be genuine. When it all seems like it's all too much to bear, focus on what you'll do after. What you will have accomplished by only stating what needs to be stated. How you'll feel about yourself when you walk away. Lonely? For now. How could you not be? What is so terrible about being lonely? It is a natural emotion brought about by the actions of someone else. Best case? Not happy about the situation, but dealing with it. Moving ahead...if only by inches everyday. Plans will be made when it's time for them to be made. If pushed ("How are you? How are you holding up?") reply honestly; "Thank you for asking. Some days are better than others. How are you?" Move ahead in the situation if you have the chance. Ask her if she wants a coffee. Offer her your chair. Be a gentleman. Focus on what needs to be focused on. Pay attention to your daughter and the details surrounding her needs. Focus on what you can control. Avoid what you can not. Breathe. Great advice here Cal! I'm going to add one thing to this, if I recall your story correctly, pride and anger is what got you and your wife here (on BOTH parts). Time for two responsible adults to lay down that pride and anger while working together for their child. If my exH and I could do it, I'm sure you and your wife can too. 1
2sunny Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Thanks for feedback guys. To clarify, I am completely honest about where I am to this new gal. She knows I am in transition, and we communicate clearly. I've even told her why go out with someone who's separated ? She is accepting of situation. But that does not make it right. Tripp, I know what you are saying but look at it this way. I was very despondent(still am at times) and this gal came along. Was I to stay with my misery or take a chance on improving my frame of mind? I guess I can say I am weak, but this entire life event had completely blindsided me. I feel lucky I'm here now, it was so dark it was scary. I don't put my ex on pedestal and the anger has gone. I am trying to stay as positive as possible. Are you saying you used her to cheer yourself up? And now your uncomfortable because she expects more than being used? Or did you not tell her you've been using her like a tampon to soak up your negative energy. You can't "avoid your own pain" you need to face it, change it for YOURSELF by being courageous - in order to move PAST your pain. It's not fair that you've had her play the role of "distraction" for you - get counseling that helps you face those fears and move forward. The more needy she becomes - the more it's bound to be uncomfortable for you.
Author Caldespair Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Wow I am amazed at this website and the participants. I am moved by your cooments and sage advice. Stead, i dont envision us having coffee, but I would melt with any kind words from her. I'm so anticipating seeing her ( I know there can't be, or I don't want to hope, that there ever could be reconciliation) for the 5 am sports surgery on my daughter, that I'm making sure I have the appropriate clothes. I agree, no fake sentiments will be needed. After 6 mo separated I'm left with only the good memories. I will update after the encounter. Thanks!
2sunny Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 As far as the surgery tomorrow - you are there for the sake of your daughter. Stay focused on that! Do not have any personal conversations with your W. if she asks any questions just remind her you are there for your daughter - IF she needs to talk personal issues then tell her to call you next week. Keep the focus on your daughter! If she asks any questions other than that - one word answers are adequate = yes, no or maybe are sufficient. Nothing more, nothing less. Let her fill the uncomfortable quiet time with nervous chatter. Bring a few good books to read!!!
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