Am I being bullied by my housemate? Or am I just a bad friend?

[chocolatepudding]

It will be difficult to squeeze the whole story into this box because it spans over two years. Sorry about the length!

 

For the first couple of years of my friendship with this girl everything was fine, then I became really depressed and it became quite tense at times. I lived with this friend, and she tried to help me by telling me what I needed to do, booking a doctors appointment for me and dragging me along. I understood from this that she did care about me, but she did become quite angry with me when I decided not to do some things (which she thought would help, like visit a counselor) because I felt I wasn't emotionally ready and after all, I am an adult who can make my own decisions. She also appeared to me to get quite angry a lot of the time when I made negative statements like "i'm stupid", but I understand that she couldn't completely put herself in my shoes.

 

At the time I often responded quite negatively to what I felt was sometimes a brash approach to my depression. Sometimes in the moment I may have said some things that didn't help, but as much as possible I allowed a few hours or days for it to blow over before discussing my feelings over a difficult argument or conversation. I always tried to see how my words could have hurt her, and apologized.

 

A year and a half later, I finally was feeling much better about my life. Time was healing, and I met a nice guy. This was unfortunately timed for my friend, who suffered a horrible split from her boyfriend. I was concerned for her and tried to be there for her to chat as much as possible, listen and show empathy. I was also really worried that whilst falling in love, I would not be as able to support her and thought the timing sucked because for a change, I was happy but my friend wasn't.

 

You would think my concerns would have helped me do a better job at consoling her, but she did not feel that way. From her side she thought that all I could do was talk about my boyfriend (I tried my best to avoid it but apparently didn't manage to do a good job) and because I didn't go clubbing with her on one particular night when she needed cheering up (she had other friends to go with so I didn't realize she needed me, plus I had work the next day and am not really into clubbing). So she told me she felt like I wasn't there for her, and I tried my best to understand how she felt I wasn't there for her and identify how I could have done a better job, apologized and tried to do a better job from then on.. I did personal favors for her on a regular basis, was there for her talk through her problems and have a hug, and spent time with her when my boyfriend wanted to see me.

 

Over the past several months small problems have come up regarding our housing situation. We disagree on some things like cleaning and the use of heating. When a problem has arisen and I've said something like "I'm a bit upset about x" and it results in "you weren't there for me when I split up with my bf, you're a terrible friend, I was a shrink for you for two years and you just got angry with me all the time and accused me of being angry at you". This included about 15 minutes during a phone call of her naming all sorts of ways she feels I've let her down, without me saying anything at all and leaving me speechless and I eventually burst into tears. Incidentally my boyfriend heard the whole conversation (it wasn't on speaker phone, her voice travels) and was fuming. I know he may be biased because he loves me but he was dating me when she split up with her boyfriend and feels like I did my best at trying to support her, even if I feel there are some thing I could have improved on. He even thinks she was just jealous of me.

 

Even if there are things I could have done better, I had tried to address them so we could put them behind us and feel it is unfair to bring them up when talking about completely separate issues to do with our house.

 

Of course I ended up once again apologizing for absolutely everything and being the one to give in. I guess I can seek comfort in the fact that over the past months she has since not stopped coming to me to talk about her own problems (followed by me attempting to respond sensitively and show empathy, the same approach I took when she split up with her boyfriend), whereas I would absolutely hate to come to her to talk about my problems because there is a chance it may bring on criticism/a brash response and almost certainly an excuse to say "oh I was there for you when xyz so I'm the better friend", and I don't think the friendship is healthy when it involves weighing up who does more for who.

 

Feeling really quite disheartened because of this. It doesn't help that I don't really have any other close friends in the area anymore to turn to and that I have low self confidence, low self esteem and I am not very outgoing. Nevertheless, my boyfriend and Mum have reassured me that they think I've done the best I can with this friendship and that they think I'm a lovely person.

 

I'd really like to know what people think about this because it's getting me down.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited June 2, 2013 by chocolatepudding

[chocolatepudding]

Please someone tell me what you think. I feel uncomfortable now in my own home now and feel helpless. As I know what my housemate is like, I know if I talk it out and calmly tell her I'm upset, I will be accused of "playing the victim and guilt tripping" (I often am accused of this and I'm always trying not to be the "victim" and allowing her be the "victim" by apologizing and listening to her tell me how awful I am for long periods). If I avoid her or stay at my boyfriends I will be accused of "disappearing" which will be used against me (it has before when I didn't come home for two nights because I felt too nervous and depressed to come home). At the same time I don't want her to go around hurting people and behaving like this, and also part of me wants her to understand how this is making me feel. I expect her not to care though.

[GorillaTheater]

I'll take a crack at it: I think both of you are pretty needy, her apparently more so than you, but neither of you are particularly well-equipped to meet those needs.

 

I don't think it's a matter of you being bullied (although there's a hint of that), or you not being a good friend, I think it's more of a matter of being a little too incompatable to be good roommates with each other. I think both of you would be better off by making other living arrangements.

[SpiralOut]

She is someone who keeps score and holds resentments. She is projecting herself onto you by accusing you of guilt-tripping when in fact she is the one doing that to you.

 

Is there anyway for you to move out? I know that sounds extreme, but it sounds like she needs a punching bag and you just happen to be right there. Getting away from her might be the one thing that can save the friendship, if you think it's worth saving. She reminds me of a "friend" I used to live with, and moving out was what I had to do once I realized she was too self-absorbed to be reasoned with. Of course my opinion is biased, so you may want to take my advice with a grain of salt.

[Taramere]

I had a friend a bit like this. Initially I thought she was a fantastic friend - though her sister, who I knew her through, had warned me that she was a control freak. Looking back, I was forever feeling in her debt because she was putting me there. Giving me little gifts that I didn't actually want, doing favours that I didn't ask for and so on.

 

It's okay to have these intense female friendships when you're very young, but as an adult you have to watch out that you're not getting sucked into something a bit dysfunctional. I personally think that somebody dragging you along to counselling when you're depressed is a strong flag for future problems in that friendship. I know people talk about that sort of behaviour being the actions of a true friend, but I'm dubious.

 

Your friend describes herself as having been your "shrink". People gravitate to that role for different reasons and inevitably some of those reasons are going to be related to their own personal needs. When they portray it as an altruistic, selfless act then you know something's going on. That something usually being that despite their professions of skill in analysing human behaviour and motives, they haven't quite mastered the knack of being honest and insightful about their own.

 

Your response to her spate of problems sounds pretty healthy to me. You've tried to be there for her, but not at the expense of your own needs and life. You know what they say on planes. Make sure you've got your own oxygen mask on before you try to help anybody else with theirs. Your friend hasn't learned that basic rule. If she had, she probably wouldn't be lashing out at you in the way she is.

 

Things would probably improve for you dramatically if you were to move out. You might be a quiet sort of girl who doesn't meet people easily. Maybe a bit too much of a people pleaser who could do with learning to assert herself a bit more, but these things come with time and practice. It sounds as though you have a great relationship with your bf and your mother and I bet there are lots more great friendships waiting out there for you.

 

A new home - sharing with a bunch of fun girls sounds like the tonic you need after a bit too intense a living arrangement with this angry control freak.

Edited June 4, 2013 by Taramere

[chocolatepudding]

Thanks for all your posts.

 

Taramere, I definitely feel like you did with your friend about being forever in her debt. I don't feel comfortable taking favours from her anymore and try my best to avoid receiving any. Months ago in response to her being angry at me I wrote a letter explaining how things can be difficult for me too, and listing all the things that I actually have done for her that she didn't seem to realize. I never sent it though. I knew things would only escalate and I didn't think it was healthy to have to weigh things up and justify why I deserve her respect/friendship/just for her to not be angry at me all the time.

 

It may be possible to move out. In fact, there are two potential people who, as far as I understand, would like to live here with this housemate (one is her friend since childhood, one is her sister). The plan (although we've only talked a little about it, is that when either myself or housemate number three moves out (which he definitely will be at some point in the next few months), they will move in.

 

The issue is just where I go. I don't know anyone I could potentially live with. I guess the only thing I can do is look for housing shares with strangers, which I find a bit scary. How do I know the same sort of thing won't happen all over again? I suppose I just have to make myself vulnerable in life anyway. I guess that was partly why I posted, because I wanted to find out what non biased people I haven't met thought of me based on my side of the story.

 

I think the best thing to do though is just try and find a way to move out, PROBABLY put the friendship behind me (I don't see a way it can work out if she still feels the need to bring up the past) and to not "have words" with her. I guess our personalities are just incompatible now and we've been though too much that has taken its toll.

 

I appreciate your replies!