JackTheRipper1888 Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Hi all, Recently my ex dumped me see post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45747/ But i managed to get her back. I thought i would advise some of you on my stragety that obviously worked. Many people say that the NC works but i vowed i wouldnt, instead i stood by her and was there through all her hard times, the relationship with her bf didn't work out yet i was still there for her. When she realised that i was always there for her and still cared for her she did some thinking and then asked me out i said YES straight away, she said that it was the fact that i supported her and cared for her and also the fact that we got on so well that helped her come back, she also said that it made us stronger in the relationship. It took 45 days to get her back which may not seem like a long time, but if you really love someone you will always be there for them no matter what, thats what i did and she realised it and came back, so even if NC works there is an even better tatic called caring and showing her you care Good Luck :-)
love the gypsy87 Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 my ex recently dumped me for his ex but he still comes over and we talk ALL the time and he tells me how he misses me and i am just very nice to him and supportive of him and his decision but i know hes going to come back but i cant wait any longer wat do i do to help him realize that its not ment to be with them(i think he just misses wat they used to have before all the fights). and i need to kno how to let him kno shes not good for him (even if it wasnt me id say this) how do i let him kno that without sounding like a jealous bitch
UnicornGirl Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 thanks, this is very inspiring -- it's exactly what I'm doing with my ex -- showing that I love him 100%. He said there's a chance we will get back together and a chance we won't, but he wants to see me and be friends with me. we're just seeing how it goes for now. your story gives me hope, thanks!
iceisles Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 I did show my ex I cared for awhile after our breakup, then laid off on the pursuit for fear of pushing her away. I wanted her to know that I wasn't indifferent to being dumped and that I would be willing to work on things one day. Now I'm executing some stringent NC because she clearly isn't ready to talk about anything substantive. I guess the emotional state of any relationship dictates what the best course of action will be. With my scenario, I felt that I oversaturated my feelings for her and that I needed to lay low for awhile - perhaps even a long while.
netrie Posted October 10, 2004 Posted October 10, 2004 Originally posted by JackTheRipper1888 Hi all, Recently my ex dumped me see post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45747/ But i managed to get her back. I thought i would advise some of you on my stragety that obviously worked. Many people say that the NC works but i vowed i wouldnt, instead i stood by her and was there through all her hard times, the relationship with her bf didn't work out yet i was still there for her. When she realised that i was always there for her and still cared for her she did some thinking and then asked me out i said YES straight away, she said that it was the fact that i supported her and cared for her and also the fact that we got on so well that helped her come back, she also said that it made us stronger in the relationship. It took 45 days to get her back which may not seem like a long time, but if you really love someone you will always be there for them no matter what, thats what i did and she realised it and came back, so even if NC works there is an even better tatic called caring and showing her you careGood Luck :-) You really are so sweet. She is so FORTUNATE to have you----I hope she knows this. BTW, how old are you both? Today, are you still on good terms/together? Netalia
Nick14 Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 sometimes, it works and sometimes it doesn't. I like I am trying to talk to my ex and leave communication open, but she is not responding. So, basically I am forced to use NC and have her start chasing me, whenver that time is. Trust me, I want to support her but she just won't reach out right now. Its been a month and 2 weeks and well I dunno. I feel like, 2.5 years was a waste now, sighs....
iceisles Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by Nick14 sometimes, it works and sometimes it doesn't. I like I am trying to talk to my ex and leave communication open, but she is not responding. So, basically I am forced to use NC and have her start chasing me, whenver that time is. Trust me, I want to support her but she just won't reach out right now. Its been a month and 2 weeks and well I dunno. I feel like, 2.5 years was a waste now, sighs.... I'm with you, man. It's hard when you want to work things out but she just keeps you spinning your wheels in the mud. As hard as it is, just keep your mind off her and keep living your life. When the time is right for her, she'll come looking for you.
iceisles Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by ck_guy02 All I can think about in this situation is, what happens when she meets the next guy she wants to be with and dumps you again? I am in a bad situation myself... but once my gf makes that move to a new guy, I will never forgive for that or accept her back.... I will never be an insurance policy for any relationships that don't work out to suit her... just my thoughts...... Precisely my thoughts. My ex cheated on me and I will never take her back no matter what sob story she gives me. Everyone makes mistakes, but betrayal is a fatal blow to trust, IMO. If someone wants me, it's because I'm their one and only choice. I don't want to be the "fallback guy" as a second or third-choice. What I'm basically working on salvaging is a friendship, as I do still want her to be part of my life. Of course, part of me also wants to keep her around so she sees me happy with someone else one day and realizes that she screwed up.
Nick14 Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Precisely my thoughts. My ex cheated on me and I will never take her back no matter what sob story she gives me. Everyone makes mistakes, but betrayal is a fatal blow to trust, IMO. If someone wants me, it's because I'm their one and only choice. I don't want to be the "fallback guy" as a second or third-choice. What I'm basically working on salvaging is a friendship, as I do still want her to be part of my life. Of course, part of me also wants to keep her around so she sees me happy with someone else one day and realizes that she screwed up. Ya, I think the same way, thats why i am trying to keep communication open, but she is not reaching out still or even attempting, except to say "I am seeing someone". This hurts, its like she isn't even thinking about how I feel about her still. Everyone says "Don't worry Nick, Its a rebound, everyones first love will come back and realize how stupid they are", I really dunno guys.
iceisles Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Originally posted by Nick14 Ya, I think the same way, thats why i am trying to keep communication open, but she is not reaching out still or even attempting, except to say "I am seeing someone". This hurts, its like she isn't even thinking about how I feel about her still. Everyone says "Don't worry Nick, Its a rebound, everyones first love will come back and realize how stupid they are", I really dunno guys. Trust me, she still thinks about you. When two people form a bond, the other person never gets erased from their memory. In fact, it's very likely that she is constantly making comparisons in her head between you and the new guy she is seeing. It's not uncommon for the dumpers to downplay residual feelings, as they don't want to give you any false hope. I'm no expert, but that seems to be the trend I observe. My ex still contacts me, which is baffling because I suspect she is dating someone new. This tells me that she is thinking about me and is perhaps even missing what we had together - particularly if this new guy wasn't the answer to her happiness.
Mollyanna Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 I have been "standing by" my ex since our breakup last February. And we got back together and then we stopped again, and then we were just friends with extras and then just friends and for the past 2 months - just dating. But it is exhausting and difficult. He dated me too soon. He wasn't over his ex-wife and all the pain she inflicted upon him and still isn't over it. His heart isn't open. He is generous and fun and dependable, but he doesn't love me. I have stood by him all this time because I love him so much and I am waiting for him to let me into his heart. But how long do you do that? Some days when I leave him, I cry all the way home because I don't want to leave him. But I also drive myself crazy waiting for him to say again that this isn't working because he doesn't love me. And I try sooo hard and it is so humiliating sometimes. So, I am not sure if "standing by them" is always the best thing to do. I guess I will know more when this finally ends one way or the other...
jjhung Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 I know what you mean. I am back w/ bf for 4 months now. I asked for open relationship to test him because I suspected he wasn't over w/ his ex and he did started seeing her. Was devastated and broke up w/ him twice. He said he played by the rules. I said I couldn't commit seeing that he still has her pix on his desk all this time and he said it meant nothing except a nice pix of a friend. When the whole love triange was revealed and he really felt the tug-of-war between me and his ex, he couldn't make up his mind. He was confused, all the good memories w/ her that came back and she was convincing that all the problems they had before she had taken steps to solve them. He also said he wanted me but back then he didn't tell me he wanted a committment from me -- it was all bad communications. He finally picked her, but 3 days after he told me about it, I went to see him asking to give us a last try. He said he already gave her his committment so he has to honor it. During this time, I stood by him, not pressuring him but told him I love him and my door is open. He finally dumped her after 3 more weeks (partially they are not working out as well as he thought since he said he couldn't get that same feeling he once had for her, and what he previous thought were the problems that we couldn't communicate and have no desire for a committment have all been resolved now that we started talking) and we got back together right away. But the after effect of the hurt never healed yet. I still get depressed and angry and upset thinking about what happened and all the hurt that I went thru. Luckily, these emotional outbreaks are getting less and less and farther and farther apart. Just need to rebuilt the trust and I know he is trying very hard. I am just insecure and have so much fear that he will go back to her. But only way is to talk, talk and talk. He does notice when I am not in a good mood and always concern asking if something is bothering me. Still trying to test him if he is really now all for me, even though deep down I am still comparing myself w/ his ex and know that they have 5 yrs and we only have 1 so I can't just get rid of her in his mind. Find it hard but it is the fact that they have so much history and he admitted he is over w/ her but he is not completely over her, still cares for her. He said he still wants to be friends w/ her but now know that at most a 50/50 chance and not until she has a bf. My thought is are you kidding? I don't think I can stand being in the same room w/ the women I now call a man-stealing whore that was making things hail for me for 3 months. Sometimes I even wonder myself if we got back together too soon, may be I should wait until he doesn't think about her at all (but is that possiblty?). The point is if you really really want this to work, just love him with all your heart and be patient (for now) and stand by him, giving him your support if he needs it and tell him you are there for him and all that. But of course you don't have to mention that you will not wait forever and it is kind of implicit. Give him his space if he needs it and during this time make yourself feel better. You always have to prepare that you are not willing to wait indefinitely and it is time to move on. Good luck, things will get better, I promise you, whether if it works out w/ this guy or not. Time will heal everything. You need to take care of yourself first. I find reading about relationship books help how to communicate effectively, ie. make it a safe environment to talk about things but not hurt each other's feelings and fighting fair.
Mollyanna Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 JJhung, Thank you for your response. I have went through a very confusing and difficult week. Wednesday night he said some things were going to have to change. I assumed he was breaking up with me again because we have been getting really close lately and whenever that happens, he gets scared and runs. I knew something was wrong and kinda pressured him into talking and he wasn't ready. He promised we would discuss it the next day. Well, he called and called on Thursday and I wouldn't answer any of my phones. Finally at 6pm I listened to his messages and he sounded so down that I had to call him back. He came and got me and took me shopping and then to dinner. I told him this time I wasn't ready to talk and he said that was fine. I guess I just wanted to delay the inevitable.. But during dinner I got upset and finally just told him to tell me. Well, he said he is fine now - that he was just stressing over other parts of his life not working out well right now and wasn't sure if he could deal with the complication of falling for me. He isn't ready to love again. Plus he is worried that since he had a vasectomy, I won't be satisifed with not having kids of my own. I know he isn't ready, but I don't want to let him go. Even though I have just met a new man who I am interested in getting to know better. (part of me wants to move on to a more normal relationship - one I can depend on.) But love isn't always safe or dependable. I love him more than I have ever come close to loving anyone. You are right, I need to stand by him and give him the space to heal. He knows I am not going to wait forever, so I am going to date but I worry that no one else can compare to him...
jjhung Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 wow Mollyanna, you have to be sure you don't want any children. People go in blinded by love and lowered their expectation only to find out later they can't live with it. At least he is honest so you know what to expect. I believe no matter how many fish there are in the sea, if you want this one only, then go for it. My friend rescued my relationship when he asked me to think ahead in one year, will I regret not trying to do anything more to make this work instead of walking away. I was at first too proud to admit defeat that I am not the only special one in his heart and walking away seemed more dignified than waiting for a men to pick between his ex and me. But I realize that I love him and I have to be partially blamed for the situation so I should try to make things right. In any case, you hang in there. I suggest you should not date anyone only because it is not fair for the other guy either. You were kinda his rebound girl and so don't do it to your next poor guy until you are really ready. Go to facial and massage, read relationship and self-help books, do yoga and meditation. Heal your pain first. Don't try to numb yourself with another relationship. Just to take care of yourself, and things will take care of themselves.
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