Marry young or never? Is it worth the risk?

[joebroz]

Hello everybody,

 

We are from Europe. I am 21 and my girlfriend is 20. I got my dream job making $60 000 per year, but the company wants me to move to the US. I have already posted on this site before, and you all agreed I should take the job no matter what. I totally agree, I've worked SO HARD for it over the last 4 years. But I really, really want to be with my lovely girlfriend too.

 

She is currently in college, extremely intelligent, beautiful and mature (not blinded by love, everybody says that and guys hit on her 24/7). I took her virginity away and we have a really strong connection. We have been communicating every single day, at least twice per day, and we see each other 4-5 times per week. She is currently studying to become a police attorney, but once she graduates, she will be obligated to work in our home country for the next 10 years.

 

So, my plan is the following:

 

1. Go to the US, check it out for a few months and see if I like it.

2. Take a flight back and propose.

3. Get married or move on.

 

She will have to drop out of school, and will not be able to work in the US (spouse VISA), so I'll have to pay all the bills on my own. I am willing to make this sacrifice, she is truly special. If she says no, we move on and that's that I guess. However, what if she says "yes"? Am I asking for trouble? I hope you can share some of your stories/advice with me.

 

Thanks,

Joe

 

edit: We have been dating for 3 months

[CarrieT]

 

edit: We have been dating for 3 months

 

I know you don't believe us, but you guys are NOT mature yet.

 

I invoke the TaraMaiden find on the Half-Baked Brain.

 

The important part: "Recent studies show that neural insulation isn't complete until the mid-20s."

 

You guys are both going to go through SO MANY CHANGES in the next decade and there is no way you can anticipate your desires for at least eight to ten years.

 

I was the same way. I got married at twenty because I believed - and was even told by teachers and those in authority - how mature I was for my age. It wasn't until my mid-30s (after a tumultuous divorce at age 25) until I realized how immature I really was.

 

Please - again - trust us that at 20, your girlfriend and YOU will change drastically.

[joebroz]

Thanks for the response!

 

I still want to believe IT WILL work.

 

But maybe it's a lost clause. I'll talk to her about it before I take off for the US. Not sure I can handle a 3-year LDR. Not sure I can trust her, or even myself for that long.

[CarrieT]

I still want to believe IT WILL work.

Of course you do - that is part of the half-baked brain syndrome working...

 

It is okay to try and keep in contact and see how you two develop and mature as you pursue your respective careers, but don't be too upset if you and/or she lose interest in each other as you grow and live apart.

 

You can chalk that up to life experience and, perhaps, see if just staying in contact during your time apart helps the connection grow or now.

 

But do you want her to put her life's career on hold to come with you? Or have to reinvent herself to be with you? Trust me that both of you will resent yourselves if you do this.

[Jon Tenzo]

Sorry man but 3 months isn't long enough. At this rate it seems you are both going in completely different life directions. As a man you need to focus on increasing your net worth to be able to provide for the family. At the same time she needs to find who she is independent of you. That will not happen if you come here.

 

Bringing a woman to the states who can't work is a recipe for disaster. She will get bored quickly not being able to work and then want to have a baby to keep her company. Then you will be stressed because you'll have to provide for 3 on a salary of 1. Now if it's 7-10 years later and you are a C-level exec making $150K that is a different story. But then it will still be hard, and with the work/life balance of most executives here you will never be home. Then she'll ask for a divorce and take all of your money and the child back to your home country. OK, I know I sound like Jerry Springer or Maury but these days it's a very real possibility!

 

This sounds like it could be a great relationship. But moving to a foreign country with a significant other is a huge step. You need to be solid as a rock, and at just 3 months in you're simply not there yet unfortunately. Due to the critical timing of this I'd say take the job, and keep your options open.

[eleanorrigby]

I think you two should date at least a year or two before getting married.

 

Getting married young can work, my husband and I married at 21, but we had known each other for 5 years before marriage.

 

Getting married young is already a "strike" against you and the odds of making it. I wouldn't add an extra one by marrying someone I'd only dated such a short amount of time.

[CarrieT]

As far as listening to some of the people on this site for advice beware, for example, "Carrie T" is a 55 year old ex-hooker, what she knows about healthy relationships can be stuffed into a thimble and you would still have enough room left over in there for the Goodyear Blimp.

Ummmm... I am 49 (my birthday was yesterday) and while I have been around the block a few times, I was NEVER paid for having sex.

 

And I believe it is important to listen to those who have had unhealthy relationships and learned from those mistakes.

 

Lastly - excuse me, Helsinki - but you have been here ONE WHOLE DAY and you think you know all about me??? I smell a troll....

Edited June 3, 2013 by CarrieT

[Lauriebell82]

Why is it all or nothing? I think you guys need to slow down, 3 months is too short a time even if you werent so young. Why not have a relationship for awhile and see what happens? She may find a job as a police attorney and hate it. Or she may decide to do something else. You may hate your job in the US. Take the job, continue to see each other, and see what happens. If your relationship is truly special then it will work out no matter what happens.

[Thegameoflife]

I always laugh when people say you'll regret something. I don't regret a single choice I've made in my life. The people who regret are those who can never be happy with their choices. For you OP, you might regret not taking a job, or you might regret not staying with the girl. Regardless of choices, there is always something to regret in life. You always have something to dwell on when you think "what if", when all that matters is "what is".

 

I would suggest you talk to your GF about different possibilites. To leave a love for a job, is the most horrible thing to do ever. Sharing your life with others that you love brings happiness. Ask people around you how much happiness a job has brought them. Then ask them how much the people they love have enriched their life. I guarantee people win over a job. Maybe you'll be lucky, and you can have both.

[smoky eyes]

I definitely think she should finish university, if nothing else. Why don't you try a long distance relationship until then? Yes, they kind of suck (veteran of FOUR long distance relationships here) but they do at least give people a chance to finish the important things in their life (like degrees) and are a good test for how strong your relationships is.

[marriedman321]

I do not think the amount of time you dated matters, but more or less your needs, and her needs. Neither of you at this point really NEED to be together, so much so it would involve her moving, you moving to the US with her, or passing on a great opportunity just to marry at the age of 21.

 

If you were both 35, and you loved her, and dated 3 months it might be a different story. More mature, biological clock, etc. Right now it is not worth it, in my opinion.

[Fromoutofnowhere]

DON'T DO IT!!!! Seriously, you need time to get to know yourself and figure out what you need and want out life. These things are most important right now. Do all the things you want first. When you get married your priorities have to change because you need to take your spouse's feelings and their needs and wants into consideration in EVERYTHING if you want to have a happy and peaceful marriage. Take it from me, it's incredibly frustrating to do this. Don't rush into a marriage. It's never the solution to a problem, you just inherit new problems. I'm not saying to never get married, but there are lot more important things, early in life.

[tas001]

Some of the top causes of divorce (and I have studied the subject extensively)(sadly) are: married too young, married without dating a lot of people; married after a short amount of dating; married after a long distance relationship. All of these apply to you so I would say, don't do it. Stay connected over the years, either as a couple or as friends, if the time is right and circumstances are right, you'll come together again - at that time you should live together for a while to be sure this is the person you want to live with - and only then should you get married. I made all the above mistakes myself ... and it hurts when you wake up one day and realize how immature you were way back then ...

[Pastypop]

We married young and basically grew up together. It won't be easy and you both will grow in different directions but, it can be accomplished and you can succeed if you two always communicate with each other. I won't lie, it was really hard for us but, I only got married to get away from my abusive mother. Think it was the only thing that kept me in the marriage until I became successful enough to stand on my own two feet. By then, we have worked out most the kinks and have a lovely relationship now.

[pink_sugar]

There is already a nice long thread on this topic.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/401687-do-young-marriages-actually-work-how-young-too-young