youngbutoldsoul Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 If a dumper leaves a two year relationship because he feels unhappy with frequent arguing and three weeks after breaking up, he finds someone more attractive, is reconciliation unlikely? Him and I: I'm a year older than him. Strong foundation, built relationship at steady pace (i.e. months of dating before first kiss, almost a year before saying "I love you", and over a year before actually sleeping in the same bed together (because we moved in together for our 2nd year of dating). Values, beliefs, interests, and goals in life align. Our arguments escalates over time due to stresses and neither of us knew how to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. Him and "the one that replaced me": He finds someone 5 years older than him. After a week of them seeing each other, he moved in to her place. Strangely, she does drugs and alcohol (he's always despised those things) and he supports her, tells her he wants to see her become successful, and offers to pick up medications for her when she felt unwell. In the meanwhile, I was hospitalized for almost a week, came home, and he doesn't even ask if he can help in any way. Completely heartless. Can someone help me make sense of this situation? I found out he told his friends that he's happier now than he was with me. It's bizarre to me because he even mentioned our engagement in 2 years not too long before our breakup. He says he just wants to be friends without me wanting to be with him. What should I do? Under what circumstances, if any, would he realize he lost something precious and come back?
KatZee Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Lose any hope you may have about him coming back. It will be your ruin. He left you. At the end of the day, it means he doesn't want to be with you. He left for someone else real fast, and if he's telling other people that he's the happiest he's been, then you need to kind of move on from this situation. Dwelling and hanging onto hope and asking if he's going to come back are going to do you no favors. You don't want to be someone's second choice either. Clearly things weren't great for him if he felt the need to leave you for someone else and already move in with her. You don't want to be his security blanket, or his back up option. If him and this other woman don't work out and he DOES come back, it doesn't even mean that you guys will work out, or that it's meant to be. It could be purely out of knowing what's familiar. Don't talk to his friends about what he's saying anymore, get out with your own friends and put him behind you. 3
Babolat Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I understand his attraction to this new girl who is so different. See my past 12 months of posts. You are better off accepting its offer, grieving now, and moving forward 1
pureinheart Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 If a dumper leaves a two year relationship because he feels unhappy with frequent arguing and three weeks after breaking up, he finds someone more attractive, is reconciliation unlikely? Him and I: I'm a year older than him. Strong foundation, built relationship at steady pace (i.e. months of dating before first kiss, almost a year before saying "I love you", and over a year before actually sleeping in the same bed together (because we moved in together for our 2nd year of dating). Values, beliefs, interests, and goals in life align. Our arguments escalates over time due to stresses and neither of us knew how to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. Him and "the one that replaced me": He finds someone 5 years older than him. After a week of them seeing each other, he moved in to her place. Strangely, she does drugs and alcohol (he's always despised those things) and he supports her, tells her he wants to see her become successful, and offers to pick up medications for her when she felt unwell. In the meanwhile, I was hospitalized for almost a week, came home, and he doesn't even ask if he can help in any way. Completely heartless. Can someone help me make sense of this situation? I found out he told his friends that he's happier now than he was with me. It's bizarre to me because he even mentioned our engagement in 2 years not too long before our breakup. He says he just wants to be friends without me wanting to be with him. What should I do? Under what circumstances, if any, would he realize he lost something precious and come back? Sounds to me like he's looking for someone to "fix" and possibly control. You don't want him back. Your last sentance is a fantasy, sorry for being blunt, but that's what t is. Chances are he's doing drugs with her- usually people don't start relationships with people that use, nor does the user typically pick non users, they're boring...unless they're paying for their habit. 1
Author youngbutoldsoul Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 My guess: You and your ex got into a big fight. He left and found this girl. She gave him affection. Grass is greener syndrome kicks in He start to backward rationalize all the reason to stay with the new girl Your best bet is to initiate no contact. The new relationship won't last for long. He will start coming to his sense once the Oxycontin wears out. For the first few weeks he said he was confused about his feelings for me. Then, he shuns me after he met her.
Leigh 87 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 He may come back, but it will only because he cannot find something better than you. If a guy is still in love with you enough to warrant a second chance, they tend to not be able to just move on and be happy with someone else right away:sick: He may come back but not for the right reasons. And no, even men who are still in love with their partners do not normally come back. My ex is still in love with me, but something is off with us; the relationship is broken so we cannot be together. He even tells me he wants to work it out, yet it is still highly unlikely he will want me back once I move towns and cut contact with him. Even men who actually love their exes rarely come back. Your ex did not sound like he cared that much about you, in a romantic way, seeing as he moved on so fast. You will be so much happier if you move on from your ex, mourn the loss, and then find a guy who truly adores you and WANTS to commit to you eventually. ...................................... There is no way in hell that a women with high self worth and self respect, would accept a guy back, who is only coming back cos he is bored and has no other options in the dating arena. I am not saying you were nothing to him, either; he obviously lacks the deep feelings for you, that compel a man to want to commit long term to a women and truly cherish them. Just know that there is zero chance that he will come back because he is in love with you and desperately wants to commit to you. Why do you want him back if he was so easily able to move on to another girl that he is admittedly happy with? 1
aisuru Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 You have to accept he is not coming back. Take care of you. Enjoy the memories and power forward. You will be okay.
Author youngbutoldsoul Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 He may come back, but it will only because he cannot find something better than you. If a guy is still in love with you enough to warrant a second chance, they tend to not be able to just move on and be happy with someone else right away:sick: He may come back but not for the right reasons. And no, even men who are still in love with their partners do not normally come back. My ex is still in love with me, but something is off with us; the relationship is broken so we cannot be together. He even tells me he wants to work it out, yet it is still highly unlikely he will want me back once I move towns and cut contact with him. Even men who actually love their exes rarely come back. Your ex did not sound like he cared that much about you, in a romantic way, seeing as he moved on so fast. You will be so much happier if you move on from your ex, mourn the loss, and then find a guy who truly adores you and WANTS to commit to you eventually. ...................................... There is no way in hell that a women with high self worth and self respect, would accept a guy back, who is only coming back cos he is bored and has no other options in the dating arena. I am not saying you were nothing to him, either; he obviously lacks the deep feelings for you, that compel a man to want to commit long term to a women and truly cherish them. Just know that there is zero chance that he will come back because he is in love with you and desperately wants to commit to you. Why do you want him back if he was so easily able to move on to another girl that he is admittedly happy with? I want him back because prior to him leaving, I contributed to our arguments. We built something meaningful and he left because he said we were "too much drama". I know deep down that if he came back, we would be stronger than ever.
Leigh 87 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) I want him back because prior to him leaving, I contributed to our arguments. We built something meaningful and he left because he said we were "too much drama". I know deep down that if he came back, we would be stronger than ever. Mine left because I caused too much drama, over a 2 and a half year period. I also know, that if we were both ourselves, but free from our issues that made the relationship toxic, that we would have been a very strong, secure and happy couple. For a long time. He even agreed that we would have been so happy together, for a long time, had only we both resolved some troubling personal issues. He wishes it never had to end, and he is adamant that he had enough love. The relationship was just too broken. Guess what? He isn't coming back. And neither is your ex. Hey though, I'll tell ya what: lets buy a lottery ticket. Or, even better: lets go stand outside and wait to get struck by lighting. Waiting to see if our exes come back has as much chance of happening as the lighting strike. Look, I'm not trying to be negative. I have just learnt that, even exes who seemingly have a lot of trouble leaving us, and still profess to love us dearly, rarely come back. My ex was unsure and said that this break up is just for now; that he could not see it being permanent. He loved me too much apparently, and only wanted our personal issues to subside. Even exes who strongly allude to wanting a second chance, rarely ever come back. And my ex was still feeling like a unit, with me, initially; he was in no place to welcome or even be open to meeting other women. Still. Even when they love you too much to move onto other women, they will still rarely look back! I'm really sorry that you're upset. I am going through a really hard break up too. It's so upsetting to let go of a person you were once so close with every day. Edited June 3, 2013 by Leigh 87 1
Author youngbutoldsoul Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Mine left because I caused too much drama, over a 2 and a half year period. I also know, that if we were both ourselves, but free from our issues that made the relationship toxic, that we would have been a very strong, secure and happy couple. For a long time. He even agreed that we would have been so happy together, for a long time, had only we both resolved some troubling personal issues. He wishes it never had to end, and he is adamant that he had enough love. The relationship was just too broken. Guess what? He isn't coming back. And neither is your ex. Hey though, I'll tell ya what: lets buy a lottery ticket. Or, even better: lets go stand outside and wait to get struck by lighting. Waiting to see if our exes come back has as much chance of happening as the lighting strike. Look, I'm not trying to be negative. I have just learnt that, even exes who seemingly have a lot of trouble leaving us, and still profess to love us dearly, rarely come back. My ex was unsure and said that this break up is just for now; that he could not see it being permanent. He loved me too much apparently, and only wanted our personal issues to subside. Even exes who strongly allude to wanting a second chance, rarely ever come back. And my ex was still feeling like a unit, with me, initially; he was in no place to welcome or even be open to meeting other women. Still. Even when they love you too much to move onto other women, they will still rarely look back! I'm really sorry that you're upset. I am going through a really hard break up too. It's so upsetting to let go of a person you were once so close with every day. You made a really great point, I now see that sometimes love just isn't enough and reconciliation is even unlikely in cases where the dumper has feelings. I am so sorry for your loss as well and I look forward to the day we both find peace. I realize that at the end of the day, people are just motivated to make choices that they believe would make them happy. I know I should respect that as well as his free will, I just can't bear the thought of him investing in relationships when I truly love him and know we deserve to have a future together. I also know that if I truly love him, I should be happy for him even if it means he lives a life that doesn't include me. It's a difficult period for both of us.
Helsinkisyndrome Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 He isnt coming back and even if he did...You have no business taking him back. Run as far away as you can and find someone else.
Leigh 87 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 It is really awful, I also think my ex and I could have been so happy together, if we did not have certain issues within ourselves, that hindered a healthy relationship from occurring. Look, even if they were in love with us and adored us, the sort of love that causes two people to come back together? Let me describe it... I know two people that broke up; they broke each others hearts, once each, and then left the relationship. They went their separate ways. The girl travelled the world and dated other men she really liked at times. YEARS later, they found themselves drawn back together. They had BEEN with other people. They KNEW without a shred of doubt, that they never found anyone else who they felt the same way about, as they did about each other.... THAT is the very very rare type of " in love" two people feel towards each other, that draw two people back together. It normally take MONTHS and living a life without each other to REALISE the love IS truly that remarkable. Us? We are not in that boat. It is just so rare for love to be like in the fairy tales. Both us AND our exes are VERY VERY likely to simply move on, and meet people who we love MORE. Look, my ex and I, despite his issues and the fact he was a jerk in one particular things he did to me; we seriously loved each other. We did. It is not the sort of love that you can EASILY find every day. We had a very unique way that we fell in love. I do not think I will easily find a guy who I can love as much as I loved my ex, nor do I think he will be able to find a girl like me again anytime soon. But we will eventually. And even in the case we have that type of love that was in the notebook? We will not realise until later on; until time and space apart makes us realises we STILL have something that we just cannot feel for other people. It just aint going to happen, I am really sorry to have to tell you this, but it is 100% fact. It is THAT rare to have that undying love that brings couples together. ESPECIALLY since they were the dumpers! I would have worked through even the worst [possible relationship (minus abuse) IF I though the love was enough, and we could potentially be happy together. He did not want to work through it. Most men would not have tolerated me and my antics, MOST would not have stayed that long. I know for a fact he loves me a lot, to have stayed with me. He saw potential for a healthy relationship, but after over two years of me NOT changing my dramatic ways and getting therapy - he had enough. I would love to think that HIS love for me was/is special and strong enough to come back. I am just a realist and I know just how RARE that sort of love is, that begs for as second chance. Don't feel bad please, it is very hard to find the strongest type of love - the type that has couples reuniting after time apart. ..................................... The thing about your story that confirms he does not have that type of love for you and likely never did: he was able to move on so fast with another girl. I mean, my ex was realllllly into one other girl before, about 7 months before he met me. They travelled together for about 3 months. She was the first girl he fell for; he was falling in love. When they had to fly home to their home countries, it took him MONTHS to be able to hook up with a new girl. If a guy is really into you, they absolutely cannot find a new girl right away. Some men can do one night stands that mean nothing to them whilst they are still in love, but that most certainly cannot get girlfriends so early on after a break up! Not if they are into you or in love with you. ................................................
Author youngbutoldsoul Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 I'm sitting here in bed on Christmas Eve after a fantastic dinner with my family and there's still a gaping hole in my heart and soul. It's been 8 months post-BU and 6 months NC. I have gained much clarity but still haven't let go of him inside. I wish he knew there's someone who lives just 10 minutes away from him (me) who have been through hell for almost 2 years to build a future with him and I love him to death still. What can I do when the person who means the absolute universe to me (and whom I meant the same to him just earlier this year) has walked away from me?
BC1980 Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 I'm sitting here in bed on Christmas Eve after a fantastic dinner with my family and there's still a gaping hole in my heart and soul. It's been 8 months post-BU and 6 months NC. I have gained much clarity but still haven't let go of him inside. I wish he knew there's someone who lives just 10 minutes away from him (me) who have been through hell for almost 2 years to build a future with him and I love him to death still. What can I do when the person who means the absolute universe to me (and whom I meant the same to him just earlier this year) has walked away from me? I understand where you are. The holidays are particularly tough. I held onto hope for a long time too, and, in some ways, it seems like I still haven't accepted my new reality. I will tell you that you need to remind yourself of reality everyday instead of dwelling on memories. It makes the ache a little more bearable for me.
Raid Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 It is really awful, I also think my ex and I could have been so happy together, if we did not have certain issues within ourselves, that hindered a healthy relationship from occurring. Look, even if they were in love with us and adored us, the sort of love that causes two people to come back together? Let me describe it... I know two people that broke up; they broke each others hearts, once each, and then left the relationship. They went their separate ways. The girl travelled the world and dated other men she really liked at times. YEARS later, they found themselves drawn back together. They had BEEN with other people. They KNEW without a shred of doubt, that they never found anyone else who they felt the same way about, as they did about each other.... THAT is the very very rare type of " in love" two people feel towards each other, that draw two people back together. It normally take MONTHS and living a life without each other to REALISE the love IS truly that remarkable. Us? We are not in that boat. It is just so rare for love to be like in the fairy tales. Both us AND our exes are VERY VERY likely to simply move on, and meet people who we love MORE. Look, my ex and I, despite his issues and the fact he was a jerk in one particular things he did to me; we seriously loved each other. We did. It is not the sort of love that you can EASILY find every day. We had a very unique way that we fell in love. I do not think I will easily find a guy who I can love as much as I loved my ex, nor do I think he will be able to find a girl like me again anytime soon. But we will eventually. And even in the case we have that type of love that was in the notebook? We will not realise until later on; until time and space apart makes us realises we STILL have something that we just cannot feel for other people. It just aint going to happen, I am really sorry to have to tell you this, but it is 100% fact. It is THAT rare to have that undying love that brings couples together. ESPECIALLY since they were the dumpers! I would have worked through even the worst [possible relationship (minus abuse) IF I though the love was enough, and we could potentially be happy together. He did not want to work through it. Most men would not have tolerated me and my antics, MOST would not have stayed that long. I know for a fact he loves me a lot, to have stayed with me. He saw potential for a healthy relationship, but after over two years of me NOT changing my dramatic ways and getting therapy - he had enough. I would love to think that HIS love for me was/is special and strong enough to come back. I am just a realist and I know just how RARE that sort of love is, that begs for as second chance. Don't feel bad please, it is very hard to find the strongest type of love - the type that has couples reuniting after time apart. ..................................... The thing about your story that confirms he does not have that type of love for you and likely never did: he was able to move on so fast with another girl. I mean, my ex was realllllly into one other girl before, about 7 months before he met me. They travelled together for about 3 months. She was the first girl he fell for; he was falling in love. When they had to fly home to their home countries, it took him MONTHS to be able to hook up with a new girl. If a guy is really into you, they absolutely cannot find a new girl right away. Some men can do one night stands that mean nothing to them whilst they are still in love, but that most certainly cannot get girlfriends so early on after a break up! Not if they are into you or in love with you. ................................................ Hey Leigh do you have any sort of IM? Need to talk to you about my ex. Thanks
Iguanna Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 So after his heartless actions that made you so sad, you still want him back? This is one big question. If you do want him back, what you have to do is go on with your life. Enjoy yourself, meet new people, find a new bf and have fun. When his lust for this other woman settles down, he will see you happy and careless and he may get jealous. Maybe he'll come back. The thing is, do you want him to come back under these circumstances or do you want him to realize that he loves you so much and he can't live without you? If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they're yours. If not, they never were.
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