vixee Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 so my story is between me, H & OM, OM's W don't know anything about it. Our companies partner on many projects and get to visit each other's office but hardly meet/see each other because his office is spread across 3 buildings 12 -15 floors. I was visiting in Building A floor 5 he used to be somewhere in B 5 or 6 floor. Mine is equally a maze so bumping into each other is rare unless we call each other and plan. On Friday I visited his office, this was my 5th visit after BU and during A, or before/after that I never just met him or saw him. He also travels a lot. So back to Friday, I went on a lunch break with colleagues as they were hosting us and I saw him in a different wing standing chatting with a lady, they were not very far. I could tell the chat was not work related. If I were his wife witnessing them I would seriously question him. I am 90% sure there is something fishy and it's been bothering me. So I told H and he went , so what were you thinking he may have many more and may had many before. I asked him to tell his W, to which he said she will have good idea the kind of person he is. H refused to speak to her. I know I will be beaten up here if I be honest. But honestly, my first thought was, how can he do that!!! second thought, compared myself with her and was disgusted, because it looks any girl would do!!! and third, his wife should know. I did not talk to H for more than a minute about it and not again but I am bothered. I shouldn't be I know, just being honest!! I wanted to confront him, I should have done that, I may have done that but I was with lots of co-workers. Tell me to forget it and move on...
Bryanp Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I am sorry vixee but you now realize that you were just another notch on his belt and you were willing to throw away your marriage and dignity on this guy. I do not understand why your husband did not contact the OM's wife when he found out about the affair initially? My guess is that your husband does not want to do it now because it is quite clear that you are jealous that the OM has moved on to another prey and continues not to suffer any consequences for his affair with you. I understand that it is very painful to realize that you have been played and used. It seems the only way the OM's wife is ever going to know is to have you contact her directly. To me it does not matter what you reasons are. The only thing that matters is for the OM's wife to know the truth. 1
Artie Lang Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 (edited) sounds like you're a bit jealous of this attention being given to a potential OW. why are you just now coming to the conclusion that his BS should know..... why now??? this woman should've been informed as soon as it was revealed. very selfish of keeping this to yourselves. furthermore, you're now realizing that you were nothing special to him, just another conquest- stings, doesn't it. Edited June 2, 2013 by Artie Lang 1
Confused48 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 , his wife should know. Tell me to forget it and move on... No, do it. His wife should know. That is true. Make it happen!!!
jnj express Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 send his wife an anonymous letter/e-mail/phone call/text----she has the right to know, what a POS, she is married to----
BetrayedH Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 As has been said on this board so many times before, the betrayed wife deserves to know the truth so that she can make an informed decision about her life. Telling her is obviously the right thing to do by her. It just takes courage because there is always a risk involved for yourself. So the question becomes, will you continue with a selfish path or will you choose to do right by her? The ethical choice is staring you straight in the face and requires no mental gymnastics. Are you done making selfish choices or not? Your decision will reflect a lot about what you have and haven't learned thru this whole situation.
BetrayedH Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Forget it and move on. If you weren't willing to tell her before, why would you tell her now? I don't mean any offense here but this particular argument baffles me. Just because she may have made stupid choices before doesn't mean she needs to continue them. What relevance is there to her previous choices to be selfish? If she has learned anything from this, why would she make similar choices again? It is time to change to living a more honest and authentic life.
Spark1111 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 See, this is the horseh&! Behavior that continues without a DDay and exposure! Somewhere along the lines he cheated and never was caught so decided it was a pretty enjoyable hobby. Without exposure, I'm sure MANY a WS just continues cheating and MANY an AP is shocked to realize they were not the first and will not be the last partner to hear ILYs, I want you, blah, blah, blah..... If I were that wife, I would hope someone had the courage and honest to inform me, even anonymously, with PROOF! 2
grassisorisntgreener Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 It baffles me that people suddenly "decide" that they are going to suddenly be the better person and tell for "altruistic" reasons. That's bull as well. They're telling cause they didn't get what they wanted, their feelings are now hurt and it's all about revenge and tattletale behavior. They DID participate, they made a choice for a night, a week, a month, a year, a dozen years... and so now that they aren't getting anything out of it anymore or now that they are hurting they are going to go tell just to blow up his/her world? It just seems so petty and vindictive to me. If they really wanted to do the right thing they would have ENDED the affair and told. Anything else is hypocricy and I question the motives. And now that I've probably made EVERYONE mad at me by being honest with that I'll just say that I'm sorry if you don't understand but I don't understand lots of the thinking that goes on on ANY side. I agree with this completely. 2
Confused48 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 It baffles me that people suddenly "decide" that they are going to suddenly be the better person and tell for "altruistic" reasons. That's bull as well. They're telling cause they didn't get what they wanted, their feelings are now hurt and it's all about revenge and tattletale behavior. They DID participate, they made a choice for a night, a week, a month, a year, a dozen years... and so now that they aren't getting anything out of it anymore or now that they are hurting they are going to go tell just to blow up his/her world? It just seems so petty and vindictive to me. If they really wanted to do the right thing they would have ENDED the affair and told. Anything else is hypocricy and I question the motives. And now that I've probably made EVERYONE mad at me by being honest with that I'll just say that I'm sorry if you don't understand but I don't understand lots of the thinking that goes on on ANY side. I understand why you take this position. Since you are an unrepentant OW. I forget are you a MOW or just OW? I also understand that Vixee is being vindictive. I don't care. The right thing is for the BS to know what a POS her H is. And to be able to protect herself. Whatever Vixee's motives are as long as the end result is a good one, she should do it. Its not too late for some good to come of her bad actions in the past.
Furious Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Vixee, your reaction is typical of very many OW. Cheat with me but not on me. Finding out that there is an OOW puts you in the same camp as the betrayed spouse in a way. Perhaps this can be a sort of wake-up call and see that cheating causes so much damage. Whatever your reason as to why you now want the betrayed spouse to know the truth about her WS, I still believe she should know the truth regardless as to your motives. This gives everyone the truth and reality they've been denied. 4
BetrayedH Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) It baffles me that people suddenly "decide" that they are going to suddenly be the better person and tell for "altruistic" reasons. That's bull as well. They're telling cause they didn't get what they wanted, their feelings are now hurt and it's all about revenge and tattletale behavior. They DID participate, they made a choice for a night, a week, a month, a year, a dozen years... and so now that they aren't getting anything out of it anymore or now that they are hurting they are going to go tell just to blow up his/her world? It just seems so petty and vindictive to me. If they really wanted to do the right thing they would have ENDED the affair and told. Anything else is hypocricy and I question the motives. And now that I've probably made EVERYONE mad at me by being honest with that I'll just say that I'm sorry if you don't understand but I don't understand lots of the thinking that goes on on ANY side. I'm not mad, LFH. You know me better. So, her motives before were not altruistic and you doubt them now. Fair enough. Yet, the question of what to do remains. The BW needs the truth regardless of motive. And even if the OPs motives aren't entirely altruistic, this is still a step towards honesty for the OP. There are two benefits to telling, one for the BW and the other for the OP. And for once, there is no benefit to the MM. This situation has been imbalanced for long enough. Conversely, what is the advantage of not telling? I don't see one. The betrayal continues and the OP just continues to protect the MM and herself. There are certainly potential disadvantages to telling but those would fall upon the MM and the AP, which is overdue, and some accountability might do them both some good. Staying silent keeps the status quo. While her motives may be in doubt, I still see disclosure as the right thing to do by both women. The BW has the info she needs and the OP makes a step away from selfishness. Edited June 3, 2013 by BetrayedH 2
Spark1111 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I remain amazed how well secrets are kept when believing your AP could NOT resist you and you alone..... So in the name of all that is held romantically fated, and sigh, it just happened, one will be more inclined to keep their mouth shut.... Until, they realize they were not "the ONE," but ONE of MANY and it was all a facade. Now they can glimpse the pain and betrayal a BS feels as they realize their soul mate has been at for a while and was pretty darn good at fooling many women. Tell her, no matter what your motivation may be. 2
Confused48 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Vixee, Now that you know what kind of person he is and what he is up to, do you not want to at least try to prevent him from hurting others like he hurt you? Telling his Wife may put an end to his ability to hurt others like he did you. Please let us know what you decide and if you do tell her, let us know how it goes. 1
Author vixee Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) I am being misunderstood here by some of you. During my affair I never slept with OM, he asked for it and I always told him after he separates from his W and I from H and we live together. He used to say that will be a long process I said so we will wait no matter 1, 2 or 10 years. But I was adamant. Now I am thinking that if OWs are not of same mentality then his W may be at risk and knowing about it, I should make her aware, even if I was not his OW and witnessed a friend cheating on his W I would do that. No I am not shocked to see him with someone else and no it is not bothering me, his W who I hardly know is bothering me. Should I let her remain happy or break her M. I wanted to tell her but was strongly advised that I may not be taken seriously so my H should tell her. I was with that suggestion. Earlier and now again I asked H if he would do that. H refused and thinks we should stay out of their business. My H has not given me any reaction that I was expecting all this while. He has known me for 12 years as his wife and 2 years before that as his GF. He always repeats this that you can only be somebody's queen and not anyone's mistress, you are just not that type and you won't be able to handle anything like adultery, you got carried away but I realize you have learnt your lesson. My all these years of no-nonsense and character paid off. In our 2 years of affair before we got married I did not sleep with him, he kept asking for it but I always said after we get married. So he knows me and my values really well. I used to have many admirers and I still do now but I do maintain my distance and never encourage anyone. If you read my story you would know that my intention was not to cheat. It just happened. I got carried away and thought it was what nature wanted. I did not even knew back then that a world of OM & OW & infidelity was so spread and I will ever be writing here. Not justifying myself but just defending myself a bit here. For now I am taking my H's advise on this and stay out as I see if I wrote anonymously OM will easily handle her. If I expose myself, I will be misunderstood. I deleted all his contact/texts/emails and I don't have any proof that he is cheating, may be he is not. I have no proof whatsoever. So best person is H to break the news and he is not up for it. Edited June 3, 2013 by vixee
So happy together Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Vixee, Now that you know what kind of person he is and what he is up to, do you not want to at least try to prevent him from hurting others like he hurt you? Telling his Wife may put an end to his ability to hurt others like he did you. Please let us know what you decide and if you do tell her, let us know how it goes. I don't think there is any good that will come from telling the BS. I also don't think that telling with stop him from doing it again. If someone is intent on having an affair, they will find a way.
Artie Lang Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If you read my story you would know that my intention was not to cheat. It just happened. sh()t just happens. ema, whether they be emotional and/or physical, are cold and calculating. your boundaries were loose and you let yourself get caught up in this- it didn't "just happen." own it! 2
Confused48 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Good for who? Vixee, and/or the cheating MM? Because, certainly the BS would most likely find some good to know the truth about her sham of a marriage. And I agree with you, telling wont prevent him from cheating again, but really, is that the point? He can cheat, cheat, and cheat some more when his BS kicks his sorry ass to the curb. Some cheaters when caught, do quit. It happens.
BetrayedH Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 I am being misunderstood here by some of you. During my affair I never slept with OM, he asked for it and I always told him after he separates from his W and I from H and we live together. He used to say that will be a long process I said so we will wait no matter 1, 2 or 10 years. But I was adamant. Now I am thinking that if OWs are not of same mentality then his W may be at risk and knowing about it, I should make her aware, even if I was not his OW and witnessed a friend cheating on his W I would do that. No I am not shocked to see him with someone else and no it is not bothering me, his W who I hardly know is bothering me. Should I let her remain happy or break her M. I wanted to tell her but was strongly advised that I may not be taken seriously so my H should tell her. I was with that suggestion. Earlier and now again I asked H if he would do that. H refused and thinks we should stay out of their business. My H has not given me any reaction that I was expecting all this while. He has known me for 12 years as his wife and 2 years before that as his GF. He always repeats this that you can only be somebody's queen and not anyone's mistress, you are just not that type and you won't be able to handle anything like adultery, you got carried away but I realize you have learnt your lesson. My all these years of no-nonsense and character paid off. In our 2 years of affair before we got married I did not sleep with him, he kept asking for it but I always said after we get married. So he knows me and my values really well. I used to have many admirers and I still do now but I do maintain my distance and never encourage anyone. If you read my story you would know that my intention was not to cheat. It just happened. I got carried away and thought it was what nature wanted. I did not even knew back then that a world of OM & OW & infidelity was so spread and I will ever be writing here. Not justifying myself but just defending myself a bit here. For now I am taking my H's advise on this and stay out as I see if I wrote anonymously OM will easily handle her. If I expose myself, I will be misunderstood. I deleted all his contact/texts/emails and I don't have any proof that he is cheating, may be he is not. I have no proof whatsoever. So best person is H to break the news and he is not up for it. Sounds like you've come to a conclusion on your dilemma.
Author vixee Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Sounds like you've come to a conclusion on your dilemma. Looks like that .. I have no other option.. I wonder if any BS has ever believed any anonymous email and if anyone ever wrote one!! What all you have to be mindful about?
underwater2010 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 My take on all this: If your BH did not inform the BW upon DDay, then he is not going to pull the trigger for you now. I am pretty sure you just screwed with your BH's mind by bringing this all up. If you are truly in Reconciliation, then you just set him back big time. Who cares who your exMM is sleeping with? I didn't seem to bother you when you were engaging in an affair with him.
jnj express Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If the wife gets it, and it is not intercepted by the H, if nothing else, it will set her spidey senses to tingling She will wanna know, what it is all about, and she might strt investigating---specially, if you give her good information, as a base to investigate from If she doesn't use the info---that's on her---you did what was best, that is all you can do 1
underwater2010 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Also, I am a firm believer in letting all BS know what is going on. So go ahead and tell her, but be prepared to be ripped a new butthole. Or she could just laugh at you. She might just well be aware that her husband is sleeping around and you where just another number in many. Can I ask....Do it burn you that you weren't his only one or that he will settle for any attention? Funny when you realize that it isn't all about looks right?
BetrayedH Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Looks like that .. I have no other option.. I wonder if any BS has ever believed any anonymous email and if anyone ever wrote one!! What all you have to be mindful about? I respect that you did not have a PA. I still don't see why it's not an option to disclose your EA since I suspect you have plenty of proof of that. And you can reveal that you suspect he's doing it with others. It's more information than she would have otherwise. And I thoroughly do not understand why your H is being called upon to do the disclosing for you. This is your problem and an ethical choice is in front of you. Why are you skirting responsibility for the disclosure and putting it on him? 1
beatcuff Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 i am uncertain how i would react to an anonymous email, especially if my W firmly denied it. and claiming EA not PA. if i was in the wrong i would look my W in face and state: she took my flirty behavior wrong and got upset when i said no. i have proof the email even says we did nothing. and how far will you go? what if you see no result from the email --- how can you be certain it was received? it is obvious you feel betrayed - and you should be. but you are only ASSUMING what that conversation was about. it seems at this point you are causing yourself agony. move on.
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