Trying to figure myself out

[LoveProxy]

It's a positive first step.

 

Given time, your crisis of conscience will lead you to voluntary disclosure, if you can find the courage. I think you might. The lack of honesty will keep a wall between you that makes true reconciliation and intimacy impossible.

 

The good news (believe it or not) is that about 90% of women will at least initially try to reconcile. And if you voluntarily disclose (as opposed to a discovery), you double your chances of reconciling long-term (2 years, statistically).

 

This isn't working for you. End the affair. Keep reading and educating yourself. Your marriage can be saved.

 

I appreciate the advice. Maybe I will come clean one day but now is not the time for several reasons. I can see bringing it up after some time has passed.

[Artie Lang]

^i agree it's a positive step, but it doesn't go far enough. you are still living a lie. by not telling your wife, you are depriving her of vital information pertaining to her marriage, and of serious choices she needs to make.

 

you're basically in self-preservation mode. you're not so worried about how this will affect your family, but more worried of the consequences to yourself because of your cheating.

 

you're not living an authentic life until you come forward and admit this to your wife. right now, you're just half-a$$ing it. you're doing the bear minimum just so you can keep your precious little world intact, while your wife is totally oblivious. that's cruel.

 

be a man and face the consequences.

[BetrayedH]

^i agree it's a positive step, but it doesn't go far enough. you are still living a lie. by not telling your wife, you are depriving her of vital information pertaining to her marriage, and of serious choices she needs to make.

 

you're basically in self-preservation mode. you're not so worried about how this will affect your family, but more worried of the consequences to yourself because of your cheating.

 

you're not living an authentic life until you come forward and admit this to your wife. right now, you're just half-a$$ing it. you're doing the bear minimum just so you can keep your precious little world intact, while your wife is totally oblivious. that's cruel.

 

be a man and face the consequences.

 

I wouldn't bet against Artie's advice too often.

 

The fact is that you can't pay for the kind of advice you'll get here.

 

Stick around. I'd like to see you as a happily reconciled fWH as soon as posssible. And I think what you would really want is a restored relationship with your wife.

 

I encourage you to read two books, How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair by Linda McDonald and, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. As well, read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every Wayward Spouse Needs To Know.

 

You can do this.

[2sunny]

I'm happy for you if you have decided to work on your issues that allowed you to initially think this was the solution to your problem.

 

Individual counseling could help you if you dig deep about why you didn't think you could take your issues to your wife and learn to make compromises together after stating exactly what has been missing in the marriage.

 

IF your wife isn't willing to open her mind and consider how no sex must make you feel - then that would be the time to present other options to her.

 

You two could work on building trust and intimacy. You could ask your wife what you could do that might help her get in the mood more regularly.

 

It's a whole new world to explore WITH your wife if she is willing.

[sayyes19]

Hello - I just discovered this forum and am happy to have done so. My story:

 

I met my wife in college - she was gorgeous and I knew immediately that I loved her as she was an even better person than she was beautiful. I definitely married out of my league when we married two years after graduating. Also, she was the first woman with whom I had any kind of physical relationship - kissing, sex, etc.

 

 

As the years go by, we had two daughters and moved to LA. Our marriage remained strong but had the inevitable ups and downs. My wife remains beautiful inside and out but her reverence for me both in and out of the bedroom faded over time as life progressed. That being said, we continued to have sex a few times a month throughout our 30s.

 

 

My career has caused me to have to travel extensively to SF these past few years. My wife and I see each other a few nights per week but I spend a lot of time on the road. Concurrent with this travel, our sex life began to go south as we both turned 40 recently. As a result, I began to feel that I needed some intimacy in my life and after a lot of reflection, I used the service of a call girl in SF about ten times in 2012. Ultimately, I stopped doing that for many reasons. Part of my reason for engaging in this kind of behavior was that I have only been with one woman my whole life and I just wanted to see what it would be like with someone else.

 

 

However, one thing that surprised me about my behavior was that I did not feel guilty. I still love my wife and family very much and other than having a lot less sex than I would prefer, everything at home is pretty stable. I am a good provider, and my wife and I communicate pretty well together. I often joke with her that I will need to get a girlfriend on the side if we don't have more sex together but she just laughs me off.

 

 

Earlier this year, I was grabbing a drink at my hotel bar in SF when a young lady approached me and asked if I would buy her a drink. I agreed as I found her attractive but also thought that she was a pro for sure. After two drinks, she told me she was a student and not a pro and was seeking a sugardaddy relationship. I didn't believe her but we exchanged private email addresses and she kept in touch.

 

 

More recently, we met again and agreed that I would help her out in a monthly basis and she would spend significant time with me when I am in SF. This arrangement has proven to be very good for both of us these past few months. I am getting the intimacy (both inside and outside the bedroom) that I need and when I come home, I feel like I am actually a better father and husband since I can listen more my wife doesn't feel like I am trying to bed her the minute I walk through the door.

 

 

So my arrangement seems to have enhanced my life even though I know in my heart is not the right thing to do. I often wonder if I am just going through a mid life crisis and whether I should disengage from this extramarital relationship. My new friend and I spend a lot of time together in SF eating, drinking, talking, and yes, having sex. And although this woman is 15 years junior to my wife and better looking simply by virtue of time, I actually prefer sex with my wife when I can get it.

 

 

No one in the world knows about this relationship and everyone in my circle would be shocked by my behavior. Again, I don't feel any guilt and conduct the remainder of my life in the most ethical manner possible. I feel like this arrangement fulfills my needs and makes me a better person. But the fact that I am writing this post suggests that I need to perhaps end this relationship and focus on the home front.

 

 

Have any other MM here experienced what I am going through and how did they balance their lives? I am looking for any and all advice and feedback. Thanks in advance.

 

Man, you are ruining it for the rest of us guys that want love, marriage, kids. If your wife is not satisfying your sexual needs please communicate with her. I'm sure a lot of guys would like to experiment with younger women and not have any repercussions and then come to a website to have their behavior validated, but the truth is you are selfish. I'll tell you the same I'd tell my fiance. Divorce the other person before you go decide to step out.

[ComingInHot]

love proxy wrote, " As for my family, yes I have two daughters who are both doing very well in life and I am blessed to make a lot of money which is why no be notices my spending on the side."

 

So, let's say the $$$$ goes away. How would You feel if your own daughters whore'd themselves out to a guy who is your age & "happily M" but just wants More Sex?

You'd Have to be okay w/it, right?

Then being young And fertile Your daughter gets Pregnant...

Or your daughter gets pi$$ed when MM dumps thm & OUTS the A to W...

Or gets or gives an STD...

Or tells You what she's doing for $$$....

 

You'd still be "all good" w/it though, right? You wouldn't go to MM aka "Sugar Daddy's" home and rip him a new one IN FRONT of W & children? You would support your daughters behaviors and have everyone over for a BBQ?

 

Doubt it. Consider that if you TRULY do drop young OW that your whole world will blow up. Consider that if you Don't drop little miss hottie that your whole world will blow up.

 

Sounds to me like you've never had Consequences before etgo the no guilt. Well one thing is for certain, "you're W IS Better than you".

 

Good luck pal. You're gonna need it...

[2sunny]

What if, out of revenge, the younger OW gets angry and contacts your wife?

[LoveProxy]

Excellent points!

 

OP,

no one is looking down on you for having issues...we've all got them. After all, no one is perfect.

 

Getting some counseling for yourself is a great idea. I would also suggest marriage counseling...even if telling your wife about the affairs isn;t an option right now.

 

If and when you decide to come clean, having counseling already set up and in place will help the two of you work through it.

 

best of luck to you...if you find ending the affair hard, please come back for support...people here sometimes may be hard on you, but it does come from a good place

 

I appreciate the comments. I already feel better about the future. I am not going to have any problem ending the affair and have already planned how to do so. I don't want to leave anything to chance and therefore plan to never see the OW again.

 

What if, out of revenge, the younger OW gets angry and contacts your wife?

 

 

I guess that's a risk I have to take. There is no alternative.

[jnel921]

Why don't you ask your wife what it is that she needs. Don't assume that because the sex life has dwindled she is not interested. You obviously had a role in that as you are ok with this as well.

 

I am sure you have stepped outside of your marriage because she was the one and only and I am sure you were curious and flattered.

 

The student whom you are keeping sounds like a hooker. You pay her for sex. You are wrong. What makes you think you go home new and improved? You may have an STD and how crushed will your family be to know about this behavior?

 

I would be upset if my H were paying anyone for something he can get at home for free.

 

Stop payment on those checks and appreciate and work on rebuilding your M.

[Spark1111]

Loveproxy, you sound like a good guy who loves his wife and just wishes she were more sexually into you.

 

other than a passing comment, and God forgive me, all husbands make sexual comments, What have you done to let her know how serious you are?

 

I don't see in this post......

 

if she discovers what YOU have been up to, it would destroy her, no? She loves and TRUSTS you, no? Why wouldn't she? You love her....

 

If she were to do what you are doing, secretively, it WOULD DESTROY you, no?

 

I think, in an effort to not displease, or push, or communicate with her effectively, YOU have taken a left turn outside your character. WHY?

 

Start dating, seducing and wooing the woman you love. Book a B and B. TELL her how much you desire her and take her away. Line up the sitters, send her flowers, pack the electronic BF, buy her lingerie.....

 

Start courting and dating the woman you love and stop this conflict-avoidant nonsense with your young hooker.

 

You are smart. Stop the nonsense. Devote your time and attention to the woman you really want. Give her time to shift gears from mommy/ wife to lover....

 

And get it RIGHT man.

[ForeverHopeful1]

You date one person.

You go to school.

You rent a apartment.

You buy a home.

You work.

You pay bills.

You put some children in the home.

You keep that home and love growing strong.

Together. All of it.

 

THEN, one day, the MM decides he will look outside the marriage to fix something within it. All of a sudden, although through all the years he had done EVERYTHING with this one partner, they look outside the box they have built to fix something. Then they call it "balanced." Why in Gods name would you look outside your marriage to fix something within it? You dont even need to answer me, but please ask yourself this question. WHY alll of a sudden are you trying to balance your life with external things? I mean, you have literally done EVERYTHING else with your W and fixed/worked out the kinks along the way. Why with this one issue was it something that couldnt be fixed? Did you take the easy way out? If so, why?

 

I HAVE to shake my head sometimes. What do you mean "balanced?" BALANCED!! Seriously!!! Counselling! Yesterday. Do it. Although I have read your responses and realize you are completely and utterly new and naive, I have to believe you are not THIS out of it that you see things like this. I can only hope you re-read your posts on this thread and think youve completely lost it. If not today, someday. I hope you realize how messed up this is. I even liked your responses and would really like to believe you. ALSO. DUMP YOUR WHORE. What do you mean you have it all planned out? Do it now. Are you just dumping her next time you see her? Or do you mean youre calling her tomorrow morning and ending it? What exactly is your plan of action?

 

I would be worried about STDs. You are not 100% safe from anything. I have a girlfriend with herpes. Both of her and her boyfriend were devastated/mortified when she got it. They were open about him having it and used condoms all the time. Well one day she called me absolutely hysterical because she had these sores developing. She had no idea when she contracted it from him as it had been quite a while from the time they started having sex until the time they started to show on her. I was devastated for her. Not only did she feel like she had to continue dating him, but she also felt like her sex life would be over even if she did leave him. So she felt a lose-lose coming on. Fortuantely, they have worked through it. There was no cheating involved though and he had it and discussed it openly before engaging in sex with her. She knew she was playing with fire and she got burned, even though they used condoms all the time. Thats just one story though, right? That wouldnt happen to you. So, never mind.

 

Your "girlfriend" was a hooker and a darn good scammer. You werent the only one and you would be a complete idiot to believe her. You were probably one of 7 guys she was with. She saw you coming from a mile away and she was on you like white on rice.

 

The question is better stated. What happens if you OW is the one who exposes the A and not you, her dear, loving, sweet, perfect, built her whole entire life around, husband? You dont want that happening and Im sure she would much rather hear it from you than from some 24 year old bimbo whore (Im sort of sorry about my judgement here. More of me is not sorry though.)

 

It is a risk you do NOT have to take. Be the one who tells your W about your affair. BEFORE "someone" else does. Who knows what will happen if you dont and it will eat you alive to keep this from her. It should if it doesnt. There is something wrong here to feel no remorse and this should be looked at.

 

Good luck to you. I truly hope you can take what the LS'ers have said to heart, and make your words become your actions. I know you dont think it would benefit your wife to let her know, but isnt that 100% selfish of you? You dont want her to know because youre scared she would leave with half your sh*t. Rightfully so, if that is what she wanted. Does she not deserve the right to choose what SHE wants? Right now, her entire life is complete lie. A lie.

Edited June 5, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1

[LoveProxy]

Thanks to all of you, I officially terminated my relationship with the OW earlier this week. I feel like I am a renewed person. I have begun discussions with my wife about our relationship and there is some progress there.

 

I know most of you advise that I come clean to her and to be honest I am still thinking that over. Thanks again to those who posted, critical and supportive, for helping me get back on my feet and work on my primary relationship.

[2sunny]

Primary relationship? That's what you call your marriage? What an odd term to use - signals went off in my head that asked "what's the second or third"? Odd - to me...

 

 

And what was your wife's response and input about how to improve your marriage? What ideas did she have? What ideas did you suggest?

 

What action did you TWO agree to that would bring about change to make the ideas happen?

[Artie Lang]

I feel like I am a renewed person.

 

well, i'm glad you're so "high" on yourself.

 

feel sorry for your wifey, though. her marriage is a sham.

[2sunny]

Primary relationship? That's what you call your marriage? What an odd term to use - signals went off in my head that asked "what's the second or third"? Odd - to me...

 

 

And what was your wife's response and input about how to improve your marriage? What ideas did she have? What ideas did you suggest?

 

What action did you TWO agree to that would bring about change to make the ideas happen?

 

Can you address these questions?

 

Also - how much are you thinking of how you feel vs thinking of how your wife feels?