LoveProxy Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 Hello - I just discovered this forum and am happy to have done so. My story: I met my wife in college - she was gorgeous and I knew immediately that I loved her as she was an even better person than she was beautiful. I definitely married out of my league when we married two years after graduating. Also, she was the first woman with whom I had any kind of physical relationship - kissing, sex, etc. As the years go by, we had two daughters and moved to LA. Our marriage remained strong but had the inevitable ups and downs. My wife remains beautiful inside and out but her reverence for me both in and out of the bedroom faded over time as life progressed. That being said, we continued to have sex a few times a month throughout our 30s. My career has caused me to have to travel extensively to SF these past few years. My wife and I see each other a few nights per week but I spend a lot of time on the road. Concurrent with this travel, our sex life began to go south as we both turned 40 recently. As a result, I began to feel that I needed some intimacy in my life and after a lot of reflection, I used the service of a call girl in SF about ten times in 2012. Ultimately, I stopped doing that for many reasons. Part of my reason for engaging in this kind of behavior was that I have only been with one woman my whole life and I just wanted to see what it would be like with someone else. However, one thing that surprised me about my behavior was that I did not feel guilty. I still love my wife and family very much and other than having a lot less sex than I would prefer, everything at home is pretty stable. I am a good provider, and my wife and I communicate pretty well together. I often joke with her that I will need to get a girlfriend on the side if we don't have more sex together but she just laughs me off. Earlier this year, I was grabbing a drink at my hotel bar in SF when a young lady approached me and asked if I would buy her a drink. I agreed as I found her attractive but also thought that she was a pro for sure. After two drinks, she told me she was a student and not a pro and was seeking a sugardaddy relationship. I didn't believe her but we exchanged private email addresses and she kept in touch. More recently, we met again and agreed that I would help her out in a monthly basis and she would spend significant time with me when I am in SF. This arrangement has proven to be very good for both of us these past few months. I am getting the intimacy (both inside and outside the bedroom) that I need and when I come home, I feel like I am actually a better father and husband since I can listen more my wife doesn't feel like I am trying to bed her the minute I walk through the door. So my arrangement seems to have enhanced my life even though I know in my heart is not the right thing to do. I often wonder if I am just going through a mid life crisis and whether I should disengage from this extramarital relationship. My new friend and I spend a lot of time together in SF eating, drinking, talking, and yes, having sex. And although this woman is 15 years junior to my wife and better looking simply by virtue of time, I actually prefer sex with my wife when I can get it. No one in the world knows about this relationship and everyone in my circle would be shocked by my behavior. Again, I don't feel any guilt and conduct the remainder of my life in the most ethical manner possible. I feel like this arrangement fulfills my needs and makes me a better person. But the fact that I am writing this post suggests that I need to perhaps end this relationship and focus on the home front. Have any other MM here experienced what I am going through and how did they balance their lives? I am looking for any and all advice and feedback. Thanks in advance.
2sunny Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 If you're asking for permission to "balance" your life, your guilt - it's best relieved by getting honest with your wife. Make a decision after an honest conversation with your wife. Allow her to understand she's not been meeting your needs. Tell her you've gotten your needs met "elsewhere" since she hasn't been participating in an important aspect of your marriage. How can she be expected to fix what's broken if you don't get honest about what she doesn't know? Your wife also needs to be tested for diseases... Yes, even if you only got a blowjob - she's till at risk - but you obviously have participated in a much bigger way than just that risk. She can't be expected to make more effort if you don't honestly tell her that its SO important to you that you went looking outside the M. 2
Bryanp Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I am just curious but would you be upset if your wife engaged in the same type of behavior as you? 6
Author LoveProxy Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 I am just curious but would you be upset if your wife engaged in the same type of behavior as you? Actually, I have thought long and hard about that and the answer is no. No one else could replicate the friends we are for each other. We have been together sonoong and have established the very same bedroom routine. I have tried and begged to change things up but to no avail. If my wife had a casual affair (not one of the heart), I don't think it would bother me.
Author LoveProxy Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 If you're asking for permission to "balance" your life, your guilt - it's best relieved by getting honest with your wife. Make a decision after an honest conversation with your wife. Allow her to understand she's not been meeting your needs. Tell her you've gotten your needs met "elsewhere" since she hasn't been participating in an important aspect of your marriage. How can she be expected to fix what's broken if you don't get honest about what she doesn't know? Your wife also needs to be tested for diseases... Yes, even if you only got a blowjob - she's till at risk - but you obviously have participated in a much bigger way than just that risk. She can't be expected to make more effort if you don't honestly tell her that its SO important to you that you went looking outside the M. Are you suggesting that I tell her I have cheated? Or that I have thought about it?
2sunny Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Are you suggesting that I tell her I have cheated? Or that I have thought about it? Ummmm, honest would mean you tell her exactly what you've been doing. That way she can make an educated decision about her future based on what's real - instead of what crappy lies you've been spoon feeding her. Stop pretending. You're not the husband she THINKS you are - tell her what kind of guy she's really married to = one the would betray, disrespect and disregard her and the marriage. She has the right to know. You've made your M a sham, own it! 3
sweet_pea Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 So, you're in a sugar daddy relationship/cheating? Yikes. What happens when your wife finds out you've been spending money on a young little thing? The fact that you're spending money that could be used for your family, without your wife knowing, to cheat... just no. Your wife deserves to know. She really does. If your needs aren't being met, tell her, instead of making her life a big lie. I hope you tell her. 3
Eggplant Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 If my wife had a casual affair (not one of the heart), I don't think it would bother me. If I were your wife, this sentiment would upset me more than your cheating. Everybody views relationships differently, however. 1
jnj express Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 What is it you want from us, you know da*n well you are wrong in every way shape and form---you wanna go have sex with other women, get a D--- Your wife is entitled to know what she is living with---she is entitled to decide about her future, with full knowledge of what goes on in her life, and that would include that her H, cheats on her, what is it, 10 times last yr. Just out of curiosity, if you have kids, and I don't remember reading whether you do or don't, but if you do, if ever caught, what do you intend to tell them, ---let me see----"I'm bored with my mge, so I will just go and have sex with other women, I can't be bothered to work on the mge, and DO WHAT IS RIGHT BY MY FAMILY" 4
fllygirl Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) Actually, I have thought long and hard about that and the answer is no. No one else could replicate the friends we are for each other. We have been together sonoong and have established the very same bedroom routine. I have tried and begged to change things up but to no avail. If my wife had a casual affair (not one of the heart), I don't think it would bother me. This really bothers me. If you still want to keep your family you need to end your affair now. You are turning to the roommates/friends with your wife. In a few months you will start developing feelings to your sugar baby and any romantic feelings to your wife will be gone. Talk to your wife again, concentrate on bringing the passion back to your marriage, seek a sex therapist. Edited June 3, 2013 by fllygirl 4
BetrayedH Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 (edited) Your wife deserves an equivalent bank account that is set aside for her to get her sexual needs met by other men. You are spending marital/joint funds on your own sexual gratification but she has no such opportunity? Do you think she doesn't want a fulfilling sex life? Make no mistake - She most certainly does but you have failed to meet her needs. She's likely emotionally disconnected from you. In general, women need to feel an emotional connection to have sex while men need to have sex to feel an emotional connection. You have both failed at your roles but now you have taken care of yourself with no opportunity for her to do the same. If you have marital problems, you have an obligation to either fix them or leave. Why does she get stuck keeping her end of the bargain while you violate yours? She is spending precious years of the one life she has to live dedicated to you while you are breaking your end of the agreement. There's no justification for wasting her life. It's simple selfishness and your lack of guilt is just a reflection of how much you have compartimentalized the double-life you're living. Rest assured, you'll be sorry if it's ever discovered. The question is whether you'll be sorry that you devastated your wife's life or if you'll just be sorry you were caught. Bottom line, your wife deserves to be released from this contract. At bare minimum, she deserves the truth so she can make an informed decision about her own life because she only has one and she'd likely make different choices if she knew she's wasting it on someone that is no longer faithful to her. You do realize that she is the one person in life that has dedicated her whole life to you and that she expects you to be the last person in the world that would betray her in the worst possible way, right? If you love your wife, give her the honesty that Sunny suggested and let her go. Keeping her dedicated to you is heinously disrespectful and something she doesn't deserve. Edited June 3, 2013 by BetrayedH 5
SmokeRat Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 ^ But Frozen, that would end his cake eating. <--- sad face. Listen mate, The fact that you have a such a clear head about this entire matter, that you feel no guilt and that you are trying to justify your actions behind the giant load of bull**** called 'but I'm not getting enough sex at home', tells me you have some serious issues. The least of which is a lack of empathy, compassion, honour and loyalty. Sort your ****ing life out mate. Come clean to your wife, stop dragging her around, and let her make the decision whether or not she would want to waste any more of her life on you. 4
Athens Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 My husband also lied to himself in his affair that it was not a big deal and that he loved me, etc.... The problem is when I found out, reality smacked him in the face because he knew he had been lying to himself that he knew I would be wounded by this behavior. This has hurt the both of us more than you can imagine. He even convinced himself that I was having an affair to make himself feel better. Add to it, the OW went a little nutty and had also been lying to herself about her feelings/intentions. Its a huge mess, one we are working through but a huge mess all the same. Bottom line-if its not something you can admit to, then in your heart you know its wrong no matter how you try to justify or spin it.
waterwoman Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Everything about your arrangment would be fine and dandy assuming one simple thing - that your wife was aware and comfortable with the arrangment, and possibly that it was reciprocal. As it is none of that is true. You also run the big risk that flygirl brought up - this purely sexual arrangment may lead to deeper feelings and then, all of a sudden, your wife and your marriage will become unsatisfactory and you'll feel the need to blow everything up for your young woman. Is that what you want? It doesn't sound like it. 4
Spark1111 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Everything about your arrangment would be fine and dandy assuming one simple thing - that your wife was aware and comfortable with the arrangment, and possibly that it was reciprocal. As it is none of that is true. You also run the big risk that flygirl brought up - this purely sexual arrangment may lead to deeper feelings and then, all of a sudden, your wife and your marriage will become unsatisfactory and you'll feel the need to blow everything up for your young woman. Is that what you want? It doesn't sound like it. Also, rare is the woman who would have sex without an emotional connection FIRST, unless she is a prostitute. So your wonderful wife is most likely unable to have strange on the side and NOT have her feelings become involved. I think what you want is an open marriage, but the problem will always exist that your wife falls in love with another man, or one of your women fall in love with you. Women are NOT biologically engineered like men. Few want to have sex without an emotional connection. Why not work on having a more physical marriage with the woman you love instead of going the sex trade route WHICH WILL destroy her and your relationship? Get to counseling to figure out how women differ from men and how to turn her on. 1
Furious Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 Actually, I have thought long and hard about that and the answer is no. No one else could replicate the friends we are for each other. We have been together sonoong and have established the very same bedroom routine. I have tried and begged to change things up but to no avail. If my wife had a casual affair (not one of the heart), I don't think it would bother me. You're not your wife's friend. You are only letting her think you are because if she finds out what you've been up to she will have very choice words for you and I doubt any of them will be "friend". 3
Artie Lang Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 an affair by your wife wouldn't bother you because that would lessen your abhorrent behavior in your mind. i bet if your wife had cheated on you before you cheated on her, you'd be singing a different tune. i'm calling cake-eater here, and with good reason. i assume your wife didn't marry you with the intention of sharing you with another woman. 7
underwater2010 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 You don't need to look any further. Quite simple you are being a selfish butthole. Sleeping with prostitutes, because lets face it escorts are one step up from a street walker. So what you aren't getting everything you want in bed, I am sure she wants more too. Talking with one on one or even in MC is the right answer, not hooking up with a young thing that wants a sugar daddy. I guarantee you, that if you wife came home and told you some young stud screwed her better that you ever could, you would divorce her in a heartbeat. Which ever way you look at it, women associate sex with emotions. Tit for tat will not make you feel better. It will drive your lack of self esteem further down. 2
Author LoveProxy Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I just read all of these responses and it's like cold water being thrown in my face. I needed this - I really did. Though there is no defense for what I am doing, I think somewhere deep inside I feel like I missed out early in life by not having multiple partners and I am trying to make up for lost time. I did not cheat for the first 13 years of our marriage but the last few have been very different. As for my family, yes I have two daughters who are both doing very well in life and I am blessed to make a lot of money which is why no be notices my spending on the side. I have decided to follow everyone's advice but for one piece - I am going to terminate my affair but I just can't see how telling my wife I cheated is going to help us. I will seek some therapy because I really do love her. In fact, I was thinking of her the last time I was with my girlfriend in order to get aroused. My wife and I are also due for our annual physicals in five weeks so we'll be tested for everything then and hopefully there are no lingering issues. I never had unprotected sex with my girlfriend not that there aren't risks. Thanks everyone again. I will clean up my life ASAP. I needed to see your words in writing to make me return from the dark side. In fact I am convinced that this why I signed up. I knew what I was going to hear. I obviously have told absolutely no one in my life about this relationship and thus my only conversations about this were with myself inside my head. I am indebted to you all. 4
Goodbye Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Actually, I have thought long and hard about that and the answer is no. No one else could replicate the friends we are for each other. We have been together sonoong and have established the very same bedroom routine. I have tried and begged to change things up but to no avail. If my wife had a casual affair (not one of the heart), I don't think it would bother me. So why don't you put it out in the open and ask your wife for an open marriage.
underwater2010 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I just read all of these responses and it's like cold water being thrown in my face. I needed this - I really did. Though there is no defense for what I am doing, I think somewhere deep inside I feel like I missed out early in life by not having multiple partners and I am trying to make up for lost time. I did not cheat for the first 13 years of our marriage but the last few have been very different. As for my family, yes I have two daughters who are both doing very well in life and I am blessed to make a lot of money which is why no be notices my spending on the side. I have decided to follow everyone's advice but for one piece - I am going to terminate my affair but I just can't see how telling my wife I cheated is going to help us. I will seek some therapy because I really do love her. In fact, I was thinking of her the last time I was with my girlfriend in order to get aroused. My wife and I are also due for our annual physicals in five weeks so we'll be tested for everything then and hopefully there are no lingering issues. I never had unprotected sex with my girlfriend not that there aren't risks. Thanks everyone again. I will clean up my life ASAP. I needed to see your words in writing to make me return from the dark side. In fact I am convinced that this why I signed up. I knew what I was going to hear. I obviously have told absolutely no one in my life about this relationship and thus my only conversations about this were with myself inside my head. I am indebted to you all. You need to tell her....because friends don't let friends live a lie. That is exactly what you are asking her to do. Also, my FWH ended his affair before I even figured it out. Not everything that ends can be hidden. Better that you tell her now than she finds out later. 3
underwater2010 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 So why don't you put it out in the open and ask your wife for an open marriage. That only works if you wait to screw the other person till after you receive permission. This is a case where asking forgiveness after the actions, does not work.
2sunny Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I just read all of these responses and it's like cold water being thrown in my face. I needed this - I really did. Though there is no defense for what I am doing, I think somewhere deep inside I feel like I missed out early in life by not having multiple partners and I am trying to make up for lost time. I did not cheat for the first 13 years of our marriage but the last few have been very different. As for my family, yes I have two daughters who are both doing very well in life and I am blessed to make a lot of money which is why no be notices my spending on the side. I have decided to follow everyone's advice but for one piece - I am going to terminate my affair but I just can't see how telling my wife I cheated is going to help us. I will seek some therapy because I really do love her. In fact, I was thinking of her the last time I was with my girlfriend in order to get aroused. My wife and I are also due for our annual physicals in five weeks so we'll be tested for everything then and hopefully there are no lingering issues. I never had unprotected sex with my girlfriend not that there aren't risks. Thanks everyone again. I will clean up my life ASAP. I needed to see your words in writing to make me return from the dark side. In fact I am convinced that this why I signed up. I knew what I was going to hear. I obviously have told absolutely no one in my life about this relationship and thus my only conversations about this were with myself inside my head. I am indebted to you all. Why does this feel like you are appeasing us? For some reason it just does. Living a lie is no way to live. IF you actually love your wife - you'll get honest - then maybe your M will have a foundation built on truth and can grow and become happy. Your wife certainly won't be willing to change if she doesn't know you've looked outside the M for a closeness you're not getting from her now.
Author LoveProxy Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Why does this feel like you are appeasing us? For some reason it just does. Living a lie is no way to live. IF you actually love your wife - you'll get honest - then maybe your M will have a foundation built on truth and can grow and become happy. Your wife certainly won't be willing to change if she doesn't know you've looked outside the M for a closeness you're not getting from her now. Though I can see how you'd feel that way, I am 100 percent serious about this. Seeing all these replies snapped me out of my alternate reality and I had a feeling it would when I created this thread. As I said upthread, when I wrote it yesterday, I knew it was a step towards recovery. I have never peeped a word of this behavior to anyone so in effect I have had no one to talk to about it until I found this site. I know this sounds too easy but all day I have been replaying snippets of all of your different responses in my head. I have decided that I should do almost exactly what everyone is advising but for telling my wife about my infidelity. I am not scared of her but rather trying to protect her from my sins while I rehabilitate. I don't want to be this guy but rather the one I was three years ago before I fell into this unvirtuous cycle. I mean it when I offer my heartfelt thanks to those who took the time to read and respond. If you are not convinced, please accept my apologies and thank you again. 3
BetrayedH Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 It's a positive first step. Given time, your crisis of conscience will lead you to voluntary disclosure, if you can find the courage. I think you might. The lack of honesty will keep a wall between you that makes true reconciliation and intimacy impossible. The good news (believe it or not) is that about 90% of women will at least initially try to reconcile. And if you voluntarily disclose (as opposed to a discovery), you double your chances of reconciling long-term (2 years, statistically). This isn't working for you. End the affair. Keep reading and educating yourself. Your marriage can be saved. 4
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