Going NC on emotional infidelity

[Wambo]

I'm in a bit of a problem and I would like some advice. I'm a single OM and I was involed in an emotional infidelity at work.

 

I had a very healthy friendship at work with a woman. At the beginning she showed interests in me and the first I had noticed when she flirted with me. The problem was we had no prior conact with each other and her flirt was out of the blue. I basically smiled and walked off scratching my head. Days later she stared at me multiple of times but our friendship started a month later when she was down in the dumps. We got along very well and enjoyed each other company ever since. However weeks later I discovered she was in a relationship with a much older man and a scumbag too. I thought the earlier signs she had an interest in me. Looked like I was originally right. However I enjoyed her company and got on well with her.

 

Our friendship developed and we enjoyed each other company. I tried not to cross the line and aviod meeting with each other outside of work. However when the friendship became too much I tried to back off but she noticed it and drag me back in within a fortnight.

 

As our friendship developed the more complicated it became to hide each other feelings. It became too much for me to know she is seeing another bloke and I tried to walk away. She wouldn't let me and at this point I googled my problems and discovered I was in an emotional affair. So I asked her out on a date which she wiggle out of and so I sent her a NC statement through Facebook. Giving her the reasons why and how angry I was being used in this type of way.

 

 

 

Question

 

A month has past since sending the NC to her. I'm emotionally torn to pieces, upset and angry for being used in such of a way. The problem is she haven't removed herself from my facebook friendship list. However I allowed her to choose to because in my personal experience is never to burn all the bridges.

The main problem is we hardly seen each other since NC because we had booked time off work on different weeks. However now we are both back at work tomorrow we are going to see a lot more of each other. What are the chances she is going to break NC?

[Praying4Peace]

So she just has a boyfriend, who is a 'scumbag' according to her? But she doesn't want to break up with him? Go NC with her. Yes, she's using you. And do NOT look at her FB.

[whichwayisup]

A month has past since sending the NC to her. I'm emotionally torn to pieces, upset and angry for being used in such of a way. The problem is she haven't removed herself from my facebook friendship list. However I allowed her to choose to because in my personal experience is never to burn all the bridges.

The main problem is we hardly seen each other since NC because we had booked time off work on different weeks. However now we are both back at work tomorrow we are going to see a lot more of each other. What are the chances she is going to break NC?

 

No, the problem is, you haven't removed her. Do it. Just delete her off of your facebook.

 

Just keep it professional if you two are to talk. Won't be easy but try your best to just focus on your job and not her.

 

This is the problem about getting involved with co workers, when things end badly it makes it weird afterwards as you have to still work with her.

[Wambo]

So she just has a boyfriend, who is a 'scumbag' according to her? But she doesn't want to break up with him? Go NC with her. Yes, she's using you. And do NOT look at her FB.

 

No acording to me and a racist one too.

 

Facebook is not a problem and I hardly ever use it. It just there if I need a direct communication to someone or confirm to an event invite. Other than that I don't use it.

 

My biggest concern is how she is going to feel especially we are going to see each other aprox four times a week. I want to know how realistic the NC is going to hold especially she is in a very questionable relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Worry about yourself, not her. She's a grown woman and can take of herself. What happens and what she does in her own relationship with the guy that you don't like is her business. Seems you're putting your own spin on things. Either way, she has not ended her relationship so obviously there are reasons why she's still with him..

[2sunny]

She's right where SHE chooses to be.

 

Quit handing her all our power.

 

Take a stand and stick with it - a solid, healthy boundary.

 

A good way to begin would be to block her FB or delete her. Block her phone number, email too!

 

Take charge of your life!

[Wambo]

Worry about yourself, not her. She's a grown woman and can take of herself. What happens and what she does in her own relationship with the guy that you don't like is her business. Seems you're putting your own spin on things. Either way, she has not ended her relationship so obviously there are reasons why she's still with him..

 

 

This is why I had ended our friendship and why I want to move on. It's up to her to continue her relationship or end it. I don't want to be used in such of manner while she still feel fit to continue her questionable relationship.

 

My problem is I'm very hurt over the matter and want to move on. What I'm concerned about is the chance she could get upset and may want to chat to me. Hence putting my NC in danger and the possibility of restarting the whole process again. I want to know if there is a strong possibility of her contacting me in person at the workplace?

[carhill]

My biggest concern is how she is going to feel especially we are going to see each other aprox four times a week. I want to know how realistic the NC is going to hold especially she is in a very questionable relationship.

 

Tip: She has not yet earned the privilege of you caring about how she feels. Hence, erase that though process.

 

Generally, if you must interact at work, keep your conversations professional and work-related. If she ventures off into personal stuff, merely state 'that's inappropriate' and switch the subject back to work or end the conversation. At best, the dynamic will end amicably; at worst she may try to undermine you at work. Hope for the best and plan for the rest.

 

I've been involved with MW's before and it's a minefield. Keep it simple and put yourself first. It'll work out.

[Wambo]

Tip: She has not yet earned the privilege of you caring about how she feels. Hence, erase that though process.

 

Generally, if you must interact at work, keep your conversations professional and work-related. If she ventures off into personal stuff, merely state 'that's inappropriate' and switch the subject back to work or end the conversation. At best, the dynamic will end amicably; at worst she may try to undermine you at work. Hope for the best and plan for the rest.

 

I've been involved with MW's before and it's a minefield. Keep it simple and put yourself first. It'll work out.

 

Interesting way of seeing it, however if I'm going through hell then surely she must be going through a lesser extent?

 

I talked to a few people about my situation and some are saying I should remains friends with her while we both working in the same building. I understand the idea because we both have to tolerate each other and it would ease the tension. The problem is she need to know how I feel and how upset I am being used like that. Our friendship couldn't continue in it original form.

 

End of the day I treated her with total respect and gave her space to sort out her relationship. At least I didn't shout at her and threaten to sell her dog if she leave me.

[weedsandposies]

Interesting way of seeing it, however if I'm going through hell then surely she must be going through a lesser extent?

 

I talked to a few people about my situation and some are saying I should remains friends with her while we both working in the same building. I understand the idea because we both have to tolerate each other and it would ease the tension. The problem is she need to know how I feel and how upset I am being used like that. Our friendship couldn't continue in it original form.

 

End of the day I treated her with total respect and gave her space to sort out her relationship. At least I didn't shout at her and threaten to sell her dog if she leave me.

 

You would do a great service to yourself and your family by shifting your focus off xMW and onto your family. You're so hung up on this former affair and yet planning a wedding? Seriously, she is NOT your friend. She stomped all over your heart and moved on from one man to the next to the next.

 

There is NO friendship. Friends do not use each other nor do they aid in the distruction of their relationships. My bet is on she does not care how you feel. So why then are you so hung up on her? Keep it civil and professional at work. Cut all other ties.

 

ETA: If you're going to tell your fiance do it in the presence of a therapist. She will need the extra help.

Edited June 3, 2013 by weedsandposies

[Wambo]

Here is my question once again.

 

My friend at work has a VERY questionable relationship with an older man and his behaviour isn't right from what I had seen or heard. My friend had tried to develope our friendship outside of work but in my opinion it means crossing the line and I had refused these situations. However our friendship continue to grow and later I had discovered it contains elements of emotional affair when the friendship became too much for me.

I had put our friendship on hold and sent her a message wanting no contact from her. However I allowed her to choose to remove herself from my facebook friendlist. Due to past experience with another matter I felt it is best to leave a door open just in case when things settled down.

 

I'm emotionally suffering, does that mean she is too? Is it possible she will try to let herself back into my life? Making me having to restart NC?

 

 

 

Some people here has misjudge my situation. I'm not in a relationship, I'm not getting married and far as I'm aware I don't have children. However I'm in a difficult situation and one point almost got assualted for being a friend.

[AussieLady]

Here is my question once again.

 

I'm emotionally suffering, does that mean she is too? Is it possible she will try to let herself back into my life? Making me having to restart NC?

 

 

My opinion, as the MW who is struggling through NC with my single man, yes she is emotionally suffering. You filled an empty place in her life. If you let her, she will try and get back into your life, it is very hard to walk away from something that completes you.

 

So that is why it is so important that you keep the NC. I agree with Carhill with regards to the work interactions, it is difficult when you see each other regularly, but you need to put boundaries in place. I have broken NC with my other man and he fell right back into place. It is now even harder to stop the contact, particularly as today is his birthday (and a significant one too!). Would it be easier if he told me to go away instead of being there when I want him - probably? I think this is why it is important to delete her from Facebook, it sends her the message this is over with.

 

But really, does it matter if she is emotionally suffering? What are you going to do if she is, console her and start it all back up again? She put herself in this situation; she has to deal with it. You need to stay focused and let her take responsibility for her own life and actions.

[Clemenza]

But really, does it matter if she is emotionally suffering? What are you going to do if she is, console her and start it all back up again? She put herself in this situation; she has to deal with it. You need to stay focused and let her take responsibility for her own life and actions.

 

It doesn't matter in any sort of practical way. I think that people just like to know that they're missed, even during NC. It's a weird way to validate one's self. I know, I definitely have that mindset. If I can't have contact with my MW, it's comforting to know that she's probably missing me and thinking about me. I guess, in my mind, it means that what she and I had wasn't completely fleeting. It confirms there were/are real feelings there. Even if the R can't work, it's nice to know that I was loved. It's weird validation that I need that really has nothing to do with the MW specifically. I'm working on it in therapy.

 

At the same time, I don't want to know that she's suffering by missing me. I don't want to see her sad, nor do I feel it would be real healthy to console her if she is. Just convincing myself, in my mind, that she misses me is good enough for a few peaceful moments. Without prompting from me, she told me on Friday she does miss me and she has to stop herself from contacting me. She saw me sitting outside, looking kind of down, and decided to come up and talk to me. So that's why we were in contact. When she confirmed that she misses me, I didn't do a touchdown-celebration dance or anything, hah, but it did give me some validation.

 

We're probably not in the most productive place right now but, like I said, I'm working on it.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Clemenza

[Wambo]

Thanks for the infro and experiences.

 

Luckily for us we never ever worked together. Our interactions normally happens in our breaks, when we bumped into each other or when I sneaked off to see her. However the good news is she left to join another department and the chances of bumping into each other has greatly decreased. There are moments she had looked at me but there were two concerning events recently.

 

I'm starting to think the best option is to discuss the matter with her. My previous NC failed because I didn't inform her we were in an emotional affair. She got upset because I was ignoring her but she kept pressing me untill I ran out of will power. Yesterday I saw signs she is being emotionally effected by it.

[Pierre]

I'm in a bit of a problem and I would like some advice. I'm a single OM and I was involed in an emotional infidelity at work.

 

I had a very healthy friendship at work with a woman. At the beginning she showed interests in me and the first I had noticed when she flirted with me. The problem was we had no prior conact with each other and her flirt was out of the blue. I basically smiled and walked off scratching my head. Days later she stared at me multiple of times but our friendship started a month later when she was down in the dumps. We got along very well and enjoyed each other company ever since. However weeks later I discovered she was in a relationship with a much older man and a scumbag too. I thought the earlier signs she had an interest in me. Looked like I was originally right. However I enjoyed her company and got on well with her.

 

Our friendship developed and we enjoyed each other company. I tried not to cross the line and aviod meeting with each other outside of work. However when the friendship became too much I tried to back off but she noticed it and drag me back in within a fortnight.

 

As our friendship developed the more complicated it became to hide each other feelings. It became too much for me to know she is seeing another bloke and I tried to walk away. She wouldn't let me and at this point I googled my problems and discovered I was in an emotional affair. So I asked her out on a date which she wiggle out of and so I sent her a NC statement through Facebook. Giving her the reasons why and how angry I was being used in this type of way.

 

 

 

Question

 

A month has past since sending the NC to her. I'm emotionally torn to pieces, upset and angry for being used in such of a way. The problem is she haven't removed herself from my facebook friendship list. However I allowed her to choose to because in my personal experience is never to burn all the bridges.

The main problem is we hardly seen each other since NC because we had booked time off work on different weeks. However now we are both back at work tomorrow we are going to see a lot more of each other. What are the chances she is going to break NC?

 

In my line of work I had a lot of EA type relationships with MOWs and single women. However, I never lost it like you did. I never had any intentions of going further.

 

These EAs are great and one looks forward to go to work everyday. The flirting and lunches are great ego boosters for those of us that are married. It is a supplement for many married people. For you it is the real deal.

 

I will tell you a secret: You are supplementing her relationship with the so-called scumbag. It seems she is not planning on leaving that guy for you.

 

 

Do not go PA. You will get hooked a 100 times worse and your suffering will be much worse. She was using you and loved the ego boost you provided.

[Pierre]

Thanks for the infro and experiences.

 

Luckily for us we never ever worked together. Our interactions normally happens in our breaks, when we bumped into each other or when I sneaked off to see her. However the good news is she left to join another department and the chances of bumping into each other has greatly decreased. There are moments she had looked at me but there were two concerning events recently.

 

I'm starting to think the best option is to discuss the matter with her. My previous NC failed because I didn't inform her we were in an emotional affair. She got upset because I was ignoring her but she kept pressing me untill I ran out of will power. Yesterday I saw signs she is being emotionally effected by it.

 

She is attached no doubt. She may even love you. That is the norm for these relationships. Those that are in great need of external validation fall in love very quickly. In fact, you are in love with her.

 

Dude: It is not sound to fall in love with a woman that is sleeping in the bed of another man on a nightly basis.

[Wambo]

She is attached no doubt. She may even love you. That is the norm for these relationships. Those that are in great need of external validation fall in love very quickly. In fact, you are in love with her.

 

Dude: It is not sound to fall in love with a woman that is sleeping in the bed of another man on a nightly basis.

 

However she lives with her parents and her boyfriend got his own place?

 

End of the day I don't know if she intentionally used me or liked having me around. The problem is part of me wants to forget the recent months and continue the friendship. However end of the day she seeing another person and the result of their poor relationship is causing me harm. So it make better sense walking away and hope her future goes well.

 

One thing that alarmed me is the way she became so happy to see me. Always waving at me from the distance or smiling. Much happier than seeing her crossed arms and walking with her boyfriend. Then again it was after D Day and the crossed arms could be meant for me.

[Wambo]

I'm a god damn fool. A week after going NC, I sent a reply to her saying we are friends and I would speak to her about my concerns. Since then my emotions are spiraling out of control and been keeping my distance from her.

 

I work in a big shop and this explain why I see her together with her boyfriend from time to time. Yesterday was my day off and I had a chance to clear my head. I had decided to speak to her and sort out a possible solution. See if there is a possible future together. However today I didn't get a chance to, however I did see them together doing a shop.

 

It's now obivious and very clear to me. She could of spoke to me anytime and ignore my NC. I haven't seen much of guilt or pain from her. She knows how I feel about her and I was a good friend to her. She is more focus sustaining her relationship and happy to let me go. In the end I feel like I am the one who been cheated on, not her boyfriend. Her boyfriend probably didn't care if she used me as an emotional affair. End of the day he still able to **** her.

 

At least work will be easier now I know how she really feels about me. I don't understand why some people told me I should continue being friends with her. End of the day she used me and happily let me go for mr facist.

[2sunny]

She used you because YOU allowed it!

 

Stop allowing it!

[Wambo]

NC is starting to pay off and emotionally I'm starting to feel better. I think it's safe to say I'm over the worst of it and I'm glad she had co operated with the NC this time.

 

I'm still not 100% focused but I'm a lot better than the other week. Hard to believe one moment I was an emotional wreck and then a few days later I'm a lot better. Just shows how it's important to remain focus on aviodance to obtain clarity.

I'm now starting to think about if I should talk to her and when. Is the NC process still effecting my judgement enough that I would require another week or two of NC for further clarity? The more I think about the more space I need from her before I will break the NC. At least it give her a chance to see if there is anything actually missing from her relationship and able to fix it. At the moment I want to see there is a chance we could be friends again. Possible limited contact.

 

Bumping into each other the other day was very akward. Probably the first time she saw me for nearly a week? Errily silent and both giving way for each other to pass.

[Wambo]

Today I broke NC and I had a private chat with her.

 

At first she seemed very cautious and a bit weary of my presence. It's like she didn't know what to expect. She told me to find a table and she would join me shortly. As she sat down she had a complete transformation. She was excitable we were talking again and I could tell she was happy.

 

I brought up my issues with our friendship. I didn't go into much detail and I didn't want to grill her. However I didn't let slip I been reading Not Just Friends and going to websites like this for information. She denied there isn't anything going on and she said she doesn't say hello to anyone when she with her boyfriend except her best friend.

 

Am I convince she is telling the truth? I do have great concerns and will monitor the situation more closely. This time round I'm more aware what goes on in emotional affairs. This raised the question does she know what an emotional affair is?