TheGuard13 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half about two months ago. Almost immediately, I went out with and started seeing a girl I've known for about a year, who was friends with my ex-girlfriend (we have her blessing). We talked about being friends with benefits at first, and due to some circumstances outside our control, have basically been friends with non-sex benefits, but we've been getting closer. Until a few days ago, at which point the sex became incredible. I really like this girl. We have a lot in common, she's a genuinely good person with some seriously amazing qualities and loads of talent, and we have amazing chemistry. We talked about what we want relationshipwise when we first started seeing each other, and neither of us were/is ready for a longterm commitment. She's been hurt in the past, and I've not gotten what I wanted out of relationships for a few years now. So she and I both have some issues to work through. She's had a bad past couple of years of relationships, including a difficult marriage and divorce, as have I. I'm currently still living with my ex-girlfriend, and will be until the end of the year, when I plan to get my own place. We're all being very mature about it, as my ex's new boyfriend comes over and stays a few days a week. We're all fine with it. We all like each other, are friends, and there's no weirdness over the situation. The new girl is having some personal health issues at the moment, and for various reasons, she's not emotionally been able to introduce me to most of her longtime friends yet. Only last week was she okay with us letting my friends know we're an item of sorts, all of which I'm okay with for the time being. Thus far, she's not the jealous type, and neither am I. We tell each other about our various flirtations and experiences and crushes and so on, and I'm okay with her dating around and seeing other men, and she claims she's all right if I do the same. We've promised to be safe, discreet, etc. But we're falling hard for each other in the meantime. Spending time together, going on dates, doing creative stuff, and falling asleep and spending the night together a few days a week. We're far more than friends or ****buddies at this point. I really like her, and I know she really likes me. She's told me as much, and is more or less fighting herself not to say "I love you" from time to time. We've already basically told each other we do love each other...as friends. In the meantime, my best friend's wife has a best friend who is apparently super interested in me after a quick dinner chat a few months ago and a couple of flirtations, and she's a model and a nice woman to boot. I'd like to get to know her in general, though I don't see anything longterm at this point. There's another woman a few years older than me, a friend of a few years who is interested in a purely physical relationship. There's a younger college-age girl who seems to be interested, and more or less also only interested in a physical relationship. And this weekend, an older woman who is the mother of a few kids in my community invited me out on two separate occasions, once to a hotel for drinks with her and a girlfriend, and once just for general drinks/food. We're trying to set something up. I'm also supposed to spend a weekend at a hotel/fan convention with a longtime friend in the next few months. So I have some very nice options and potential life experiences at the moment, and I don't particularly feel like limiting myself datingwise just because I really, really, really like the first girl. Nor do I want her to be or feel like a rebound, or in any way, shape or form. So I intend to talk to her about where we are, what my plans are, what she wants, etc. Is it remotely silly/irresponsible at this point, given our feelings for each other, for one or both of us to date around a bit somewhat casually until we're both ready for something committed and more consistent with each other? I intend to be honest with whoever I'm dating regardless.
Eggplant Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 You do what you feel is best for you. It's your life. If you aren't ready to commit, tell the girl that. She doesn't want to get in your way. Just make sure you are honest and up-front always. When you come down from your exploits, she may have found somebody else. But it sounds as though you attract women easily.
paigej91 Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 So I have some very nice options and potential life experiences at the moment, and I don't particularly feel like limiting myself datingwise just because I really, really, really like the first girl. Nor do I want her to be or feel like a rebound, or in any way, shape or form. So I intend to talk to her about where we are, what my plans are, what she wants, etc. Is it remotely silly/irresponsible at this point, given our feelings for each other, for one or both of us to date around a bit somewhat casually until we're both ready for something committed and more consistent with each other? I intend to be honest with whoever I'm dating regardless. This is honestly a decision only you can make for yourself. I don't know the girl, but she likely isn't going to wait around so ask yourself how you would feel if she became taken by the time you were done dating others. This sounds like it could be the classic "the one who got away" situation. To me, you saying: "I don't particularly feel like limiting myself dating-wise just because I really, really, really like the first girl" sounds like you would rather date around. 1
shexy Posted June 2, 2013 Posted June 2, 2013 The girl you like sounds great, but if you're not ready to be in a committed relationship with her, tell her NOW, before she get involved any deeper. I personally think that a lot of people (men and women both) throw perfectly wonderful relationships away because they perceive the grass to be greener on the other side of the fence. From my experience, that's never the case. Just think long and hard before you trash a great relationship for some random sex. 4
othersideofthepillow Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 We're far more than friends or ****buddies at this point. I really like her, and I know she really likes me. She's told me as much, and is more or less fighting herself not to say "I love you" from time to time. Translation: She wants you to give it a try - slow but a try. She will say whatever she knows you want her to say so she can avoid being the "serious one" in your "friendship". From the sounds of it you are looking for others to tell you it's ok to date around because you are in high demand. IMO man, if you already know you really really like her - DON'T F*@K it up because you wanna date around. From my experience, she WILL NOT wait around for you and will look for another guy even though she really likes you. If your 100% ok with losing her in any sort of romantic aspect both now and in the future - date around. I can guarantee that even if you do, you will experience the "grass is greener" sydrome and by that time it may be too late to start something....the question is if you are willing to take that chance...
shexy Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 no reason you can't bang her and a few more on the side. jus string her along until you decide I have a feeling that's probably what he will probably do
scorpio1978 Posted June 3, 2013 Posted June 3, 2013 This is the kind of stuff that drives me as a woman crazy. Stop looking for the next best thing! Accept what you have in front of you and put your focus on that. It would be one thing if you just weren't sure and didn't really have feelings for her, but the way you are describing this girl is as if she is a little more serious than just some chick, so don't treat her like that. Respect her, care for her, treat her right. Who cares about your pasts and nonsense. The fact that you can feel the way you do right now with her despite your issues says a lot. Many men cannot get past the woman who wronged him or whatever and make it impossible for us other women to even have a chance to show that we are not all the same and maybe, just perhaps, have good intentions for you. You're in high demand, big deal. Stop looking elsewhere. The grass is not greener everywhere. Stick with what you have. 2
Author TheGuard13 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Its not a grass is greener situation. Nor is it a question of looking for the next best thing, or "more". She's amazing in so many ways. Pretty much everything I look for in a woman, but she's not able to give me all of herself at the moment. It's also more about the fact that given the circumstances, I'm not quite where I need to be in my life in order to be comfortable getting into a committed relationship. I live with my ex girlfriend for another six to eight months. I don't have a steady job, and am currently transitioning there. Distance from my ex, a place of my own and a steady income, these are things I feel like I need to be in a longterm, committed relationship. Meanwhile, she has her own set of issues, including some fairly serious ones, that she's working on resolving, but its going to take some time, and until she gets some stuff worked through, these issues are going to make a committed relationship difficult. We've talked about it, at length. Neither of us seems to feel like we're ready for the next step at this point. Her words and actions bear this out.
Author TheGuard13 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Ok, so I went out with another woman (an older woman) on Saturday night. Told this other girl I'm seeing about it beforehand, and lo and behold, during the date, I get a text that she was hurt by the last ******* she dated (who lied to her about being single when he was married), doesn't think she can handle me seeing other women until I'm ready to commit and basically saying she thinks I've lost her and that she's ending things. I finished my date and called her afterward...she had calmed down considerably, and today when I saw her she was more open to the idea of me dating around, and appeared to have put it in perspective. Then I get a voicemail tonight from her asking if I'll ever be okay with one woman, and a text tonight that says she isn't getting any younger, she doesn't have the luxury of having fun anymore and she's looking for a potential partner. All of which is a tad annoying, and really kind of feels, not just clingy, but also a bit selfish, because she was fine with not defining our relationship, keeping it a secret, not introducing me to her friends, etc for two months, until she realized I was going to actually do what I said I was going to do, which is date like an adult for a while. I told her that we'd talk tonight, but not sure how I feel at this point.
shexy Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Ok, so I went out with another woman (an older woman) on Saturday night. Told this other girl I'm seeing about it beforehand, and lo and behold, during the date, I get a text that she was hurt by the last ******* she dated (who lied to her about being single when he was married), doesn't think she can handle me seeing other women until I'm ready to commit and basically saying she thinks I've lost her and that she's ending things. I finished my date and called her afterward...she had calmed down considerably, and today when I saw her she was more open to the idea of me dating around, and appeared to have put it in perspective. Then I get a voicemail tonight from her asking if I'll ever be okay with one woman, and a text tonight that says she isn't getting any younger, she doesn't have the luxury of having fun anymore and she's looking for a potential partner. All of which is a tad annoying, and really kind of feels, not just clingy, but also a bit selfish, because she was fine with not defining our relationship, keeping it a secret, not introducing me to her friends, etc for two months, until she realized I was going to actually do what I said I was going to do, which is date like an adult for a while. I told her that we'd talk tonight, but not sure how I feel at this point. Yeah, you just efffed that up big time. She's into you enough to want a relationship with you. If you don't want the same thing, and you want to go around and be Mr. Playa, DONT keep stringing her along!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She obviously has feelings for you. Geez 1
Eggplant Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 All of which is a tad annoying, and really kind of feels, not just clingy, but also a bit selfish, because she was fine with not defining our relationship, keeping it a secret, not introducing me to her friends, etc for two months, until she realized I was going to actually do what I said I was going to do, which is date like an adult for a while. I told her that we'd talk tonight, but not sure how I feel at this point. OK, so she lied. She's not going to tell you what to do, but what she wants is a relationship. Assume that with women, unless they prove otherwise. You can't have her and "date like an adult for a while" both. I thought you decided you wanted the latter, which is perfectly fine. But of course you have to formally tell her, so she knows. I didn't understand from your prior posts that you were going to try to have both her and the flings... No don't..
shexy Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 OK, so she lied. She's not going to tell you what to do, but what she wants is a relationship. Assume that with women, unless they prove otherwise. You can't have her and "date like an adult for a while" both. I thought you decided you wanted the latter, which is perfectly fine. But of course you have to formally tell her, so she knows. I didn't understand from your prior posts that you were going to try to have both her and the flings... No don't.. So true. You can't have your cake and eat it too. And you blew it with a girl that you even said was wonderful and great. The grass is not always greener my friend.
neveragain34 Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Ok, so I went out with another woman (an older woman) on Saturday night. Told this other girl I'm seeing about it beforehand, and lo and behold, during the date, I get a text that she was hurt by the last ******* she dated (who lied to her about being single when he was married), doesn't think she can handle me seeing other women until I'm ready to commit and basically saying she thinks I've lost her and that she's ending things. I finished my date and called her afterward...she had calmed down considerably, and today when I saw her she was more open to the idea of me dating around, and appeared to have put it in perspective. Then I get a voicemail tonight from her asking if I'll ever be okay with one woman, and a text tonight that says she isn't getting any younger, she doesn't have the luxury of having fun anymore and she's looking for a potential partner. All of which is a tad annoying, and really kind of feels, not just clingy, but also a bit selfish, because she was fine with not defining our relationship, keeping it a secret, not introducing me to her friends, etc for two months, until she realized I was going to actually do what I said I was going to do, which is date like an adult for a while. I told her that we'd talk tonight, but not sure how I feel at this point. How can she go from being so wonderful to selfish? Maybe you seeing other people was a wake up call and the reason for the change of heart, but isn't that how it usually is? (You don't always realize what you have until its gone. In this case, almost gone.) Most woman cannot compartmentalize sex like men. It is very hard for us to sleep with multiple men, the way you want to sleep with multiple women. It's also very hard for a woman to imagine and allow a man they are in love with to share your pen** with someone else! You have to decide now or you will seriously hurt this girl (it already sounds like she has enough pain to deal with right now). You either need to give her 100% commitment or nothing at all which mean NO MORE SEX! Ps. It doesn't sound like you are dating like an adult either, nor is she. 1
KungFuJoe Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Op, There's no right or wrong in these situations. You're gonna do what your heart tells you to and it's not always going to work out. In fact, most of the time, relationships don't work out. That's just life. Look around...ask anyone on this site...how many relationships worked vs didn't. I guarantee everyone has more that didn't than vice versa because that's life and otherwise, we'd all be happily married to our soul mates. In my situation, I met the girl of my dreams...I had her, but I let her go, twice, because I wasn't ready to leave the girl I was with (the first time) and then I just wasn't ready to be with anyone (the second time). But, as luck would have it, the third time was the charm and here we are today, happily married. Do I regret not being with her from the beginning? Yeah...there's a part of me that does. But then there's another part of me that feels like things happen for a reason, that perhaps I just wasn't ready back then and that I did the right thing because look how well things turned out. You'll never know what lies ahead of you. Never. But, you gotta make a decision and stick with it. All the back and forth just drags things along and you end up going nowhere.
ses Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Sounds like you all had developed some form of an attachment to one another without the formal label of exclusivity. If you guys know that a committed relationship is impossible at this point due to extenuating circumstances then act like an adult and treat her as a friend, nothing more. Don't make promises to her. Don't string her along and put her on the back burner as a future option. Nobody deserves to be treated in that manner. She deserves to be someone's first option who can offer her what she wants and needs NOW without waiting for you to get your s*** together. It's fun and a great ego boost to feel so wanted, but you'll attract women single or attached. You have a brain and some self-control so bring yourself down to reality. Don't throw away a good thing for some hedonistic pleasure. As others have noted, she's not going to wait if she's smart and a great catch. I've waited for a guy to get his act his act together and ended up really hurt and quite attached to him. It took years for me to recover and realize I'm not going to do that again. I want a here and now, not intangible possibilities. Her hurt and jealousy indicated that she really liked you, and as her friend, she deserves your honesty and respect. Gently close the door and move on (if you desire it). Be firm on that decision. Don't be surprised or resentful if you change your mind and find she's not there waiting with open arms.
Author TheGuard13 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I don't want to string anyone along, and I've already said this isn't a case of the grass being greener elsewhere. I want to make new friends, broaden my horizons a bit, and have sex, because I love sex, and it's been forever since I've had regular sex. But I don't just want sex. I want companionship and support, too. I suppose the main issue I have with what's happened is that for two months, the first woman I dated has more or less wanted to keep our relationship a secret, wouldn't introduce me to her friends, told me that we're friends with benefits, that she doesn't want to get attached, and basically said "You can date around, because I'm not ready for a relationship" multiple times. We've had several indepth discussions about where we both are, what we want, and what we need from each other, and the outcome was what I posted earlier, about neither of us being ready for commitment. I initially felt like there had been some dishonesty to her approach (which I have some personal issues about), though I realize now that it's probably because she was afraid to be hurt in the first place. Anyway, all that said, I think I'm going to give a committed relationship with the first girl a shot. The conditions for it aren't ideal, but I realized last night they're even less ideal for dating around at the moment. I'm still young.
Recommended Posts