izzybelle Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 i'm really tired of this roller coaster of emotions. it's only been a few months, or maybe that's a lot, since things ended with my mm, and i find myself on this roller coaster of emotions that at times is unbearable. after i saw him to say goodbye last week, i felt at peace and i thought i'd finally made it through the worst of it. i felt great for about 5 days, on top of the world, more like my old self again. then this weekend two of my pets died and i felt myself missing him more than ever and wanting the support that he used to give me. and then i end up feeling so, so angry that he's not there any more and i just want to smack him (figuratively of course) for doing this to me. i know i did some of it to myself, but i have to hold him responsible for his part. then i find myself feeling that love again. and then i want to talk to his wife and find out her side of the story (she knows about me). and then the anger, and the love, and the missing..... is anyone else going through these wild swings? i just want it to end and i know that's up to me to move on. but how long does this all last?
2ndConfusedfemale Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Well Izzy I can't really give you any time period on when the pain stops, but I can tell you that I went through the same emotions when I found out the guy I had(have?) feelings for had a girlfriend. So, what I can tell you is that the pain is lessoned if you really, yes, really accept the fact that is is REALLY over. As long as you even humor the idea that you two MIGHT get together at one day, or that he MIGHT come back begging, or any of those scenarios it gets worse. Oh, and another that makes it a little more bearable is giving yourself "a time" to get angry so that it doesn't consume you. Do something lame like say, "at 8pm I'm just going to moan, cry, listen to some sad music (the sadder the better), and be sure to make your appointments until that day comes when you think "am I serious?" Trust me you WILL get there, because I'm quite sure that when you think about doing this for a whole week you can see yourself getting sick of being sad. And when the thoughts come back throughout the day say something like "I'll think about this at 8pm"...oh, and one more thing, write a ton of letters that you don't send until you get ready to write and you realize that there is nothing more to write about. ...and think about this time next year, do you really see yourself on this rollercoaster ride then? Think of yourself and who you would like to be by this time next year. And if you don't do anything to side track your progress (like talk to him, or actually send one of the letters) you'll be getting there MUCH quicker. ...on another note, if you do give in (which some of us do) keep on giving in, and give in some more, until you are finally sick of giving in. And once you are really tired of it, you'll finally let it go and move on with your life.
Author izzybelle Posted October 6, 2004 Author Posted October 6, 2004 2nd, thanks. i wish there was some magical timeline, like if you take antibiotics or something you know whithin a certain amount of time it's over. i definitely seem to fall more into the giving in category. there are many letters i've written and never sent but there have also been a bunch that i have. and i call periodically although it's been over a week and i find that my desire to hear his voice is decreasing and email is enough. the odd things with the email, which may be what you're talking about, is that the more i do give in, i feel bad for a bit while i'm writing and then better for a while after. even though i know he won't respond. in other ways, there's a part of me that knows that by still emailing and venting to him sometimes that i'm quite probably destroying any chance of getting back together with him. and in some ways i wonder if that's my brain and hearts way of making sure i don't fall for the same crap again. by ensuring that i won't happen, no matter what, i'm closing the door. it just feels like everytime the roller coaster reaches the station and i feel strong enough to get off something happens and i end up on yet another ride. and sometimes i feel so guilty for wanting his marriage to fail, not because of me (although i know it would be a factor) but more in spite of me. it wasn't any where near good before me (or so he says and he's had at least one affair that he confessed to before me) and there's a part of me that hopes she walks out on him next year which is what she said several months ago. part of me hopes that she's just playing him to get back at him for hurting her, although she's done her share of hurting him over the years. i know that sounds childish and vengeful but sometimes that's how i feel. then i end up feeling guilty for feeling that way because how could i want anyone to hurt someone i feel so deeply about. i know i need to let go, and last week i thought i was getting so close. and there are times when it all doesn't feel so real any more so i am hopeful. i'm just so tired of it all. i know we all, regardless of the circumstances, know what it's like to put on the happy face and pretend that all is well in the world. spent too many years in my marriage doing that and i hate it. i like your suggestions and may give the others a try, not much to lose at this point! and god, i hope that next year this time i'll be with someone new. there are still times when my fantasy is that he'll come back, but lately in my more sane momments, i don't know if i'd take him. he's broken my trust in him too and i don't know that he could easily fix that. it's just hard to even entertain the possibility of being with someone else right now. i'm sure it's something a lot of us fear that if we give our heart so completely to someone again will that person just trample on it as well. no way to know and nothing ventured nothing gained but the thought of going through anything like this ever again is almost enough to make me become a nun! well..... maybe not... no intention of giving up sex forever!!!
meanon Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 You'll stay on this rollercoaster until you stop hoping for a reconciliation for good and that's unlikely to happen while you are still in contact with him, whether he replies or not. Think about why the contact makes you feel bad. It brings back memories of the good times but that only emphasises what you've lost. No matter what happens now it will never be the same. You won't recapture that broken trust. Eventually, you will tire of going through the cycle of falling apart and putting yourself back together. You'll realise that you do much better when you don't give in, no matter how tempting and addictive it is to just have one last go. Then you'll get off the rollercoaster, just like that. Your head knows it but your heart has to learn the painful way. Unfortunately, for most people, it's the heart that wins out every time until the hope is gone. Then you'll be free to love again, and you will.
Author izzybelle Posted October 7, 2004 Author Posted October 7, 2004 meanon, i understand what you're saying and for most everyone the no contact approach is probably the best way to go. for me, for the rest of my professional life, i will more than likely be in contact with him periodically. that's how i know him, that's why i've known him for so long and that's why our paths will most likely cross a number of times over the next 10, 15 years. so i know, given that i need to do one of two things, or both. i need to at least, eventually, stop the personal contact and leave it just on the professional level. but oh... that is so hard right now because there are times when i just want to smack him, or sit there and cry depending on my mood. my other choice, which i'm not sure will work is to find another person in his area that can/will be my contact. as much as that may be the preferable choice, because of our history with the institution i work for, it's not very likely that that will work. i really need to work on getting back to being friends with him or at the least be able to get back to the professional relationship that we had. but first i need to figure out another way to get off the roller coaster. i need to work through the hurt, anger and frustration to be at peace with myself again so i can get back to doing my job!!! today, the anger i feel toward him makes me feel stronger about making much more of a break, but who knows how i'll feel tomorrow?
meanon Posted October 7, 2004 Posted October 7, 2004 If you didn't care you wouldn't feel anger. It is the flip side of love. If friendship is possible it is more likely if you can find a way to maintain a fairly long period of no contact, to give the feelings of intimacy time to fade. If no contact is not possible then I'm sure you'll find another way off that rollercoaster. You're a survivor. I just think it may be much harder and I hope that if you find this, that you show the same courage and place the same priority on your happiness that you have in the past. Meanwhile working through your feelings will help, as will a rant room for the anger
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