Fiance broke it off, rebound one week later, kicked her out then took her back! Lost.

[heartinthecity]

Hi all. Just wanted to vent.

 

Ex fiance and I had a great relationship in that we were very zen to each other. Never fought, always solved disagreements calmly and rationally. We genuinely cared for one another, supported and lifted each other up. Unfortunately, I've been depressed on and off since 2009. It just so happened the last few months of our relationship were an "on" period. Fiance would call me beautiful and I'd feel awful inside because I didn't believe it. I was never jealous or lashed out at him, but I did tell him more than once that I thought he deserved someone who was happy. I didn't mean it quite like that, though. I thought he deserved me happy.

 

Anyway, this obviously hurt him and hurt me. I've been in therapy for the past few months and am growing by leaps and bounds. Exercise and a sensible diet help a lot and I am starting to feel like the old "me" before I ever was depressed.

 

We broke up Mother's day, and I agreed with the breakup. Initially there was sobbing on both ends and we parted ways, but stayed in touch. Wednesday ex contacted me, saying he missed me and needed me but after our breakup (a week ago) moved in a girl from work. This girl is a snake in the grass (she told him when they met a month ago that she was lesbian so they could hang out without him being uncomfortable--we break up? Poof! She's now straight). Not only did she move in, they're going on a trip to the Dominican Republic with her, her cousin and her cousin's little kid. I'm sure all on his dime (he makes well over 150k per year and she knows this because she's some sort of assistant at his job).

 

When I tell you this girl is no good, I mean it. She comes from a rough part of town and essentially lied to get with him. Anyway, ex and I share 130 e-mails that day wherein he eventually proceeds to kick her out of his apartment and he begs me to come back. Everyone at work tells him to come back to me and that if I am on his mind while she's there I obviously mean the world to him.

 

I go to his place and we chat on the bench for two hours. It's like old times but I am cautious. He tells me he wants to marry me again and from now on it's just him and I like it should be. He says she is asking him about our sex life and all sorts of questions about me. He says when he got drunk he said he loved her because she reminded him of me and alcohol helps. I was angry but kept my cool. He said me keeping my cool shows about my character and how I've grown. He tells me he wants to be a part of my family again, that he needs me and that I am a conversationalist and a lady and he's proud to have me on his arms and he's afraid she might embarrass him. He says when she left he didn't cry or feel anything but when I did he was devastated. We go back to his apartment after she texts him that all her stuff is now gone.

 

We sit down and kiss and embrace. He tells me I kiss better than she does. I see the rose in a vase on the table, champagne glasses and dishes in the sink and am visibly upset. He says he expected me to joke with him about it and be okay. I don't flip out just yet, but he gets a text from her saying "I'm hurt." He goes into bed and sulks, saying he is confused. He doesn't want to get hurt by me again and that the hurt has caused his romantic feelings for me to subside. He says he feels anxious and pressured. I tell him I need to go but want to be held one last time by him. He says he wants to hold her, but the thought of me with another man kills him. I call him a bunch of mean things because I am devastated. While doing so, he tells me how beautiful I still am. He starts to cry, saying he thinks he needs therapy and that he knows when I walk out the door he will miss me so much and he's afraid of the hurt. He kicks his bed frame hard four or five times and screams.

 

I get cab money from him and tell him I wish he hated me to make it easier for me to leave. We embrace. I tell him I love him, he tells me he loves me back. He says I can still visit him in January (we were semi-LDR) because I have the ticket but we need time off. I say ok.

 

On the ride home we text. He says he's upset he hurt me and upset about hurting her and that he can see a future with her (how, I don't know. She's from the projects--nothing wrong with that in and of itself--and he lives in the Netherlands, is refined, couth and from a completely different world).

I get home--she e-mails me. I tell her all that went down. She says she won't pursue a relationship with him (yeah, right) but they'll still go on the trip. Apparently she must have said something mean to him because he texts me, "well you got your wish, I hate you now." I start comforting him, telling him everything will be okay.

 

Reddit, that's the last time we spoke. It's been three days, going on four and I haven't heard a word from him. Is she just a rebound chick? He's going home to the NL in less than a month. He said if our relationship were like it used to be, he would be with me in a second. I continue to get better and can forgive all this, but need to be with someone who is all in.

Do breakups ever survive this? This man was the love of my life, bar none. I'm devastated.

 

TL;DR: Ex fiance dumped me, sort of mutual breakup. Were both devastated. He jumped into a rebound right away, kicked her out and came back to me then got confused/scared/hurt and went back to her. I'm hurt and upset.

[heartinthecity]

I want to write him a letter or speak to him or something, but I won't.

[eleve82]

Everything about this just screams warning signals --- does he want to be with you or with her?? It's bad enough if a guy can't decide whether he wants to be with you but if there is another person involved, it makes it far far worse when he is still indecisive. His actions speak louder than his words my dear... You need to put distance between you two and get a clear head. No matter how much you "love"someone, you can only be happy with a love that is steadfast and secure.

 

I hope you can reach your resolution soon.

[heartinthecity]

Hey thanks for your reply. Just saw this now.

 

In the time since then he's contacted me via e-mail to say that he will do anything he can to get back what he had with this girl (over less than a month, how much can you really have with someone?!) and that we will never be romantically together and I shouldn't speak to him unless I can be platonic.

 

We don't speak.

 

I miss him so bad. I don't know the person he has turned into.

 

I know that she is a rebound and he is with her because she's fun and easy to be around whereas my depression made him afraid I'd hurt him, despite all our love and despite me wearing his ring. However I am continuing to get better with or without him because *I* need to. It begs the issue though--do I still use my ticket in January? And if so, how do I do it? Do I even remind him I'm coming back? There is now way they're going to last--he's moving home to the Netherlands this month!

 

I am moving there no matter what. I paid for grad school there. If I stay in the U.S. my particular program (conference interpreting) is $72,000 from the one school that offers it in California. Moving back to Europe was going to happen for me even before I met him. It just sucks now that he's in the Netherlands in the same town and we're not together anymore.

 

Will the hurt subside in time? I want to see him again so bad, if for nothing but to say thank you. He was a huge part of the reason I got off my ass and decided to go to therapy in the first place months ago before we broke up. I still can't say a bad thing about him and wish him happiness.