Amazing connection, but not sure he will want a serious relationship

[anna121]

We've been chatting a lot today, at his initiative, about multiple things (unrelated to relationship) and I eventually brought up the discussion from last night. He says is sorry that he really can't provide clarity right now because he isn't sure of himself. He said that relationships are complicated and take work and he needs time to figure some things out because his life is so unsettled and it's causing him a lot of stress.

 

So now he is saying how about being friends (without benefits) for a while if that's more comfortable for me, and see how things develop. Now I wonder if this means he really wants to pull back and just make it a platonic thing, or if he does think there is potential for a more serious relationship. In the end we decided to just play it by ear. I don't know if this is a good resolution.

 

I just want to date him like a normal person. I understand a bit about why he is this way from being burned in the past - but I wish he weren't such a complicated person!

 

He's giving you two options. Date without expectations, or don't date but still hang out. Neither of these is what you want.

 

I'm sorry but his (lack of) intentions could not be clearer. This, and he, are not that complicated at all.

[Emilia]

I'm sorry but his (lack of) intentions could not be clearer. This, and he, are not that complicated at all.

Unfortunately I agree. I believe in the old 'when there is a will there is a way' saying. If a man starts 'yes but...' then it's time to move on. Sorry OP.

[Ninjainpajamas]

"Amazing connections" might not happen to you everyday and all of the time to you personally, but they happen every day to thousands if not millions of people.

 

The results are usually the same to a very high degree of predictability, don't just assume you are "special". I know it may seem that way because of how you "feel" but when a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, you should believe him.

 

As far as being hurt in the past, look at the forums...every dick and tom uses that excuse for not having to commit, it's probably the most popular reason used by men to not engage in a relationship/commitment...it's like when a kid has to go to school but he says he can't because he feels sick, then 10 mins later he's jumping around playing with his toys good as new.

 

It's just his way of buying time and getting past the hurdle of "expectations"....all guys have to get through that barrier because many women are looking for relationships/commitment/exclusivity while many men are not, and unlike women who think things just develop/change out of thin air or appear with magic because of how they think and feel, men tend to hold onto a consistent and conscious reality of what they want and desire that stays strong and consistent....so while you're thinking the sex is amazing, the intellectual and whatever else chemistry is off the charts and you're so great together and so compatible, yadda yadda yadda the guy is still...in spite of everything that has happened and everything "you feel" is still going to stick to his word...because for a guy to want a relationship it's a whole different mindset, a whole different gear that he's in and a whole different level of investment and expectation....so regardless of what happens, whatever you think you're building together, dating him, spending time with him, whatever it is that you as a woman think is important to a man...will not have the same effect on a man, and therefore you will be far more emotionally invested than he ever will, because that block...that barrier for a man was never crossed.

 

So go ahead and think what you want, twist it and contort it in a way that makes you feel somewhat "at peace" so you don't have to give him up or pass him by...try to take whatever words he says that you want to hear to heart and ignore the rest that seemingly "little part" where he doesn't want a relationship "right now" (oldest trick in the book), so you don't have to pass over this spectacular "opportunity"...but regardless of what happens or what you experience "together" he'll be thinking about other women, other adventures, goals (career or personal) and will choose them over you in the end unless you're the best choice he has and he doesn't have the options or opportunity to pursue his true desires.

[RedRobin]

"Amazing connections" might not happen to you everyday and all of the time to you personally, but they happen every day to thousands if not millions of people.

 

The results are usually the same to a very high degree of predictability, don't just assume you are "special". I know it may seem that way because of how you "feel" but when a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, you should believe him.

 

As far as being hurt in the past, look at the forums...every dick and tom uses that excuse for not having to commit, it's probably the most popular reason used by men to not engage in a relationship/commitment...it's like when a kid has to go to school but he says he can't because he feels sick, then 10 mins later he's jumping around playing with his toys good as new.

 

It's just his way of buying time and getting past the hurdle of "expectations"....all guys have to get through that barrier because many women are looking for relationships/commitment/exclusivity while many men are not, and unlike women who think things just develop/change out of thin air or appear with magic because of how they think and feel, men tend to hold onto a consistent and conscious reality of what they want and desire that stays strong and consistent....so while you're thinking the sex is amazing, the intellectual and whatever else chemistry is off the charts and you're so great together and so compatible, yadda yadda yadda the guy is still...in spite of everything that has happened and everything "you feel" is still going to stick to his word...because for a guy to want a relationship it's a whole different mindset, a whole different gear that he's in and a whole different level of investment and expectation....so regardless of what happens, whatever you think you're building together, dating him, spending time with him, whatever it is that you as a woman think is important to a man...will not have the same effect on a man, and therefore you will be far more emotionally invested than he ever will, because that block...that barrier for a man was never crossed.

 

So go ahead and think what you want, twist it and contort it in a way that makes you feel somewhat "at peace" so you don't have to give him up or pass him by...try to take whatever words he says that you want to hear to heart and ignore the rest that seemingly "little part" where he doesn't want a relationship "right now" (oldest trick in the book), so you don't have to pass over this spectacular "opportunity"...but regardless of what happens or what you experience "together" he'll be thinking about other women, other adventures, goals (career or personal) and will choose them over you in the end unless you're the best choice he has and he doesn't have the options or opportunity to pursue his true desires.

 

Yea.. what he said...

 

Here's another suggestion..

 

Tell him that you would love to talk to him again when his life becomes more settled and then gently send him on his way.

 

You will be fine without him. Save your heart for someone who will cherish it and be thrilled to give you his.

[grlfriendinacoma]

I had to chime in.

 

Don't do it. Just don't. Stop trying to justify it.

 

I waited FOUR years. Great connection, great sex. I knew all his family and he knew mine.

 

He didn't change his mind. He's emotionally damaged, relationships are too much work, his career, blah blah ****ing BLAH. NEVER wants to get married (so he says), doesn't EVER want kids. He told me this pretty early in the relationship, but I thought he would change. HE DIDN'T.

 

I cried so much, but I feel so much better now. In retrospect, how could I have been so blind?

 

There are guys out there willing to give you the world. Why wait around for someone that's unsure of you?

 

Save yourself the time and heartache. Future you will thank you

[Revolver]

That means he doesn't want one with you. He's trying to secure a FWB with you until he finds the girl he really wants to date

[Miri]

I wouldn't be going into it with blinders or naive expectations, I think. Yes, ascendotum is right to guess I've chosen to be single for a while (I've dated but did not meet anyone I was interested in). This guy seems like the best intellectual, artistic, and physical attraction match for me that I have ever encountered in my life. But I know I can't let myself fall for him if he is really not emotionally available.

 

He's not interested in seeing or dating anyone other than me for the foreseeable future. I think we're all quick to assume the worst when a man says he is not sure what he wants and can give, but in this case I actually believe he is a transparent enough person that he would tell me that he doesn't want a relationship if he actually doesn't. He would not lead anyone on with vague words that don't reflect his true intentions - he hates that more than anything.

 

Yes, it's disappointing that he is not sure. If we are so intellectually compatible AND have passionate physical attraction and chemistry (and it has been smoking hot - he is VERY physically attracted to me), why aren't there strong and clear romantic feelings?? That is the mystery of psychology. I think in this case it really has a lot to do with the aftermath of his divorce. His marriage put him through such enormous violations of trust that I can understand why he would have a hard time trusting and committing to any woman again.

 

He just asked me to give him more time and that he doesn't want to rush into anything, especially since his life and career are so up in the air. What I've heard about dating divorced men is that this is typical.

 

The friendship we have is genuine. He enjoys my company and wants to talk to me all the time. By being friends for a while and getting to know each other is there a better chance for deeper romantic feelings to develop, than if we were to get physically involved?

[Miri]

I had to chime in.

 

He didn't change his mind. He's emotionally damaged, relationships are too much work, his career, blah blah ****ing BLAH. NEVER wants to get married (so he says), doesn't EVER want kids. He told me this pretty early in the relationship, but I thought he would change. HE DIDN'T.

 

 

I am sobered by your story, and I am sorry for your experience. This guy hasn't said the same thing however - he never wanted to have kids and still doesn't, but on the subject of marriage he is open to it again someday once he figures out his life (that is his #1 priority, as it should be for any responsible person). When his marriage fell apart there were other circumstances that forced him to abandon the career he had trained for and he is still trying to find his way.

[Miri]

Ok, it seems like everyone is dead set on not heading down the sexual path with him so I think that is wise even though it is extremely tempting.

 

But is it a bad idea to work on the friendship? Are you all so certain that nothing good will come of it?

[grlfriendinacoma]

Ok, it seems like everyone is dead set on not heading down the sexual path with him so I think that is wise even though it is extremely tempting.

 

But is it a bad idea to work on the friendship? Are you all so certain that nothing good will come of it?

 

I don't want to be mean Miri, but please just let it go. It's so easy to want to work on something that you're so sure COULD work. What is the point of a friendship if you have feelings for him? What if you remain friends and he magically changes his mind when he meets someone else?

 

As far as him prioritizing his life, yes that's good and admirable, but why can't you be his girlfriend while he does that? Who knows, maybe he does have good intentions and could see a future with you, but as far as I'm concerned, right now, you should just let it go. As cliche as it sounds, if it will be, it will be. Also, think about it: what if you're so busy hoping it will work out that you miss out on someone better? What if you guys stay friends (non-sexual)? Will you date in the meantime? And if you do date other men, would you tell him? Or would you be scared that he'd be upset and no longer want to see you? Think about all these things.

 

Trust me, I can dish out the advice but when it comes to taking it, I know it's soooo hard. Be strong and think long and hard about what you want and deserve. I wish you luck :-)

[RedRobin]

OP, why are you tempted to settle for something half-assed?? Do you really believe that this is what you deserve as a human being?

 

Trust me... a month of memories is PLENTY for him to go on if you think your connection is SOOO special. Let this butterfly go, honey.

 

AFTER he's had his fun with other women willing to be the retread on his tires of life (which is basically, what you are relegating yourself to), he will come back IF even half of what he is saying is true.

 

If not, he won't... because it was just a lame excuse to begin with. Men are funny that way. Even when they are 'damaged' or just messing around they don't forget a woman who genuinely touched them... Hell... I just got an email from a guy I dated BEFORE I was married. Not even going to tell you how long ago that was.

 

Anyway, the important thing is that you will be liberated to find a man who can give you his all. Which is what any woman deserves.

[SJC2008]

The've known eachother for about a month, have been on a few dates including an overnight trip without sex and a few people here are saying he's trying to set up an fwb? LOL that's WAY too much effort for a fwb. I think he was up front and his actions matched his words. He said his life is in flux, he never slept with her and even said let's just be friends because they're not on the same page.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Miri, look at the thousands upon thousands of posts that are on here day in and day out and you'll see everyone trying to spin their story a little differently or add these little differences to make it "unique".

 

It's right there though, the examples are right out in the open for everyone who is not in it to see it as clear as day (well for some, some are are clueless as the OP)...sure, if you're in it you're going to deny it to hell and back, but people don't want to stop to think "realistically" that maybe they aren't the "exception to the rule"...let alone accept the "truth" even though any and all variations have been done and said before by some man on this planet, and regardless of the fact that you haven't experienced that before or want to trust him and believe in something else because you think he's genuine and sincere doesn't make your situation any different...because that's just how you feel and what you think...which is obviously biased and influenced by your emotions. He doesn't even have all his marbles together right now in his own head, how in the hell can you trust anything he even says!...and yet you think you actually have him figured out.

 

What's always funny to me is people love to compare their relationships to other relationships in a similar situation if it was "successful" but if it was a failure...oh no, not my relationship, mine is waaaaay different

 

You're like a mouse in a maze just trying to find another way around...to justify this or that, make assumptions about his life, how he feels and what he thinks without actually truly knowing and you think you get this and that about him because you think he's been so honest and upfront about it and he hasn't rushed the intimacy with you.

 

Men never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever tell you the whole and complete truth...why? because women are emotional, and they make judgments and assumptions off little details...not to mention men have needs, so the less a man says or the more vague he is about "certain subjects" that are answered with simplistic yet concrete and valid "reasons"...the easier it is for a woman to fill in the blanks and just convince herself of whatever it is she wants to just so she can continuing pursuing the guy. Because that's what she always does anyway, unless he gives her another reason to scram.

 

Now he can be completely honest about his past marriage to a degree, I'm sure he's expressed this that and the other thing and that's all good and great. I'm sure he has to get his life together and the marriage was bad and this and that but that his own problem, you obviously don't need to sweep in and think you have to play savior and repair the man or wait for him to get his life together because you think it'll make him want to be with you in the end...in a relationship, it's a half-truth.

 

You think that you can actually be his "friend"...let me ask you one question..

 

Can you control your emotions/feelings?

 

Because it doesn't look like you can now, you're clearly not demonstrating a balanced understanding or reasonable level of acceptance based on your answers or questions and you're only one month in...and guess what? it's only going to get harder! such a surprise isn't it? that things will just "happen" and you'll find yourself in an intimate relationship with him and/or emotional dependent one...just because the guy needs a crutch to lean on doesn't make you relationship material by any means either.

 

But go ahead...because you feel he's physically attracted to you (oh wow never heard a guy feel that way!) and you think he's transparent (as a man, men are never transparent intentionally, only their actions are and the little truths here and there...let alone a newly divorced man or still going through it because they can't even sort out their own feelings...unpredictable at best) and claim there's some mystery here in psychology...i mean for crying out loud this guy couldn't make it more obvious in his life or his words that he isn't ready to settle down and he doesn't want anything serious...that's the real reason men withhold on sexual progress, not the sex or intimacy itself or because you're just so damn "special"...they know dippin in their stick in your hole is going to make you even more attached and googly eyed and they don't want things to get it out of hand...that's why he's telling you he doesn't want a relationship.

 

But right...you're genuine "friends" after one month because he enjoys your company...man I've seen men coming out of brothels and seen documentaries where they wine and dine them and treat these women like girlfriends...but nooo it's not because men enjoy companionship or company, it's clearly because there's something magical and special amiss...and someway, somehow everything is wonderfully going to come together like two-separated parts of the earth in ancient times and be whole again....ahhhhh, what a love story......................not.

 

No no, you're going to be the one to make him commit...you're going to nurture this little dove back into full flight mode. Come here little birdy, come here.

 

Good luck...because at this point even if you know the cards you're being dealt aren't good, you're still determined to play the hand and you've got more to lose than money...but hey, at least you took the chance right? it's better to live with the disappointment than not knowing for sure you're going to get your heart slammed right? at least when you get your heart slammed, you knew for sure right?...and hey, maybe you'll even have some success, maybe you'll even make it through the "ups and downs" as so many like to call it...and for a moment or period of time, you might actually think you're winning.

 

Go ahead...roll the dice...what's the worse that could happen? maybe you're just so special you'll fix all his problems with your "amazing" connection and love.

[RedRobin]

The've known eachother for about a month, have been on a few dates including an overnight trip without sex and a few people here are saying he's trying to set up an fwb? LOL that's WAY too much effort for a fwb. I think he was up front and his actions matched his words. He said his life is in flux, he never slept with her and even said let's just be friends because they're not on the same page.

 

No, it's not.

 

This time frame is pretty typical of non-committal guys looking for a FWB... ie someone to get regular sex with while they formally or informally keep shopping around.

 

Most guys aren't going to come right out and ask a woman to be a FWB unless she's already saying loud and clear that she isn't anything serious. Otherwise, they do stuff like this. Hedge their bets and dodge/weave with 'innocuous phrases'...

 

There was another thread here recently where an older man was coaching a younger man on exactly how to do it to a woman he was attracted to and liked, but didn't see himself in a relationship with for whatever reason.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/397814-ah-stupid-wait-until-i-meet-right-person#post4935131

[RogerWallace111]

Man, everyone always expects the worst on here. "Don't believe him ! He's just trying to keep you around for sex !" Come on...

 

As the OP reiterated many times, the guy is interested in maintaining a friendship with or without sex. It's really so hard to believe that a person, especially one moving on from a divorce and anticipating major life changes, might honestly not be in a position to commit to someone even if there's strong chemistry..?? This idea that "if he saw you as anything more than a f*ck, his life would already be revolving around you" is just off base. There is such a thing as dormant potential for a relationship. Just cause he's not acting head-over-heels for her doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Obviously not saying it will, but... There are people who have enough self control to know when letting things get real and allowing attachment to develop are bad ideas. And don't allow it to happen as foreseeable changes in circumstance/situation could lead to pain for both parties.